New Person--depressed over being depressed

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Vallie
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/14/2006 4:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there.
My name is Val, 42, married to a wonderful man, and I have been suffering with depression for years. I also have quite a few illnesses, Fibromyalgia, IBS, Panic disorder, Insomnia, TMJ syndrome, Headaches, and a new health issue I am not comfortable disclosing.
I have been on MANY drugs, Klonopin, Paxil, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Pamelor, Wellbutrin, etc. They ALL gave me unlivable side effects.
I am now on Serzone, which helps the anxiety some, keeps me from spinning off.  Now, due to the new health issue, I have been put on Elavil for pain control. (don't know if that will work yet, but it is making me tired)
I have lost interest in EVERYTHING. I used to have many interests, and I have tried to keep busy, but I am at a point where I don't care about keeping busy.
I do see a psyhco-pharmacologist and a Therapist. I have been through many, many therapists and none could help me.  I am at a point where I don't think therapy can help me.
Because of all my illnesses, physical and mental pain, I feel defeated, and there is nothing left for me to try.
I apologize for such a long post, I really don't know what to do anymore.  I wake up every day and wonder why I should. I have no self-esteem.  I don't feel worthwhile at all. I shouldn't be taking up air. I am a failure.
Thank you for listening,
Vallie


Vallie

Post Edited (Vallie) : 2/14/2006 4:29:10 PM (GMT-7)


james73
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 2/14/2006 8:43 PM (GMT -7)   
I cannot relate to all your illness but I can say welcome to hw ,people here will support you ,and try to help you in whatever way they can .
my positive thoughts are with you
J

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


obs ann
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 679
   Posted 2/14/2006 9:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, I can relate to the physical things.

I only put those two below in my sig, because both of those have about 20 things that come with them and I figured, those who know what those two are, know what comes with them well enough.

I also know what getting hit with a ton of bricks of depression is. And the ONLY thing that got me out of it, was Distracting myself with anything I "can" do and like to do.

I've joined this Forum and another that has nothing to do with Illnesses, but is in another area that I'm interested in.
The only TV I watch is sometimes "Starting Over", because I love to watch professional Counselors work. That's my other favorite subject.

But there's a forum for every topic under the sun. Whatever you're interest. Since I can't do much going out or physical stuff, I love my computer and all the fun junk I can do on it, besides the forums.

I got in with a bunch of other sick ladies from two CFS/FMS Support groups in my area and we call and email each other.

I love making funny emails to my family and others.

I keep my mind off of me, and for me, that's all that works... because I tried the other way, and I began to sink into the "disabled" quick-sand of utter despair.
Boy, that wasn't fun at all. I gave up on life and everyone for a few months. But thank God for those Support Group ladies I met .... they kept after me, and I was getting mad at them for doing so (not letting on to them though that I was), but I finally realised, I was so sunk into myself, that I didn't realise that I was hurting others by shutting them out and being like a black-hole-vacuum by myself alone. Never realised that others cared until I shut myself off from them ... or should I say .... "tried" to.

If you have a good husband, you sure are blessed just there. So many of us sick folks are all alone, to fend for themselves.

I hope this place can help you as it's helped so many of us here, with the same type stuff going on.

Good folks and good info here. Keep the hope.
Ann
Late Neuro-Lyme & CFIDS. 


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/15/2006 6:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Vallie,  I just wanted to say welcome to Healing Well forum.  We are glad that you are a part of our group and hope to hear more from you. 

~elisha
A friend in need is a friend in deed. ~ mid 11th; 5th Century BC in Greek


Vallie
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/15/2006 9:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much els, obs ann, and james73.
 
Obs ann,........I used to run a message forum for a year, and it was great, but I burnt out.  I know how fun the computer can be.  Lately, I haven't found anything fun to do, and I don't have many friends, so I don't send e-mails much at all.
I know about the isolation.  I am isolated from everyone who wants to talk to me. I know that is not healthy, but I look at them and say to myself, "they have what I cannot",  i.e., good health, go on vacations, have hobbies that they really get into,..family....etc...
Of course everyone has problems, and often whe don't know the extent of those. 
 
One thing I can do at home is art.  I sculpt as a hobby, but have not done it in years.  I have the materials, but they just sit there, cause I think, what is the point?  Or......maybe I just did art because it is the only thing anyone ever told me that I did well, so I felt important...worth something.
 
I am glad that you can focus on other things, and have found friends and support for yourself.  yeah I am not completely familiar with the specific conditions you list in your siggie, (is CFIDS Chronic Fatigue?) That I do know.....but I do know enough to know that they are extensive and horrible to deal with.  And I am sure the meds you take are not fun either. 
 
I also love Starting Over!!!  I watch it religiously, and have learned a thing or two, more than my own therapist can provide.   Only thing is....I wish I had some of those excersises designed for me...I feel that might help me with direction.  But I am bummed now cause in my area it is postponed for two weeks cause of the Olympics, and will not be made up.. boo hoo!! Oh woes me!    tongue
 
Anyway, thanks again, you are very kind.
"Ladies, BE a great day!" --Iyanla 
 
 

Vallie


obs ann
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 679
   Posted 2/15/2006 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Vallie,

So I've found another SO fan.  That's so neat.  You made me laugh with the Iyanla quote.  Funny, as much as I love her, I say, "Yeah right, BE a great day ?"

I understand what she means, but I need more than 'just me' to help me through a day.

 I haven't been to their website in ages.  Have you ever posted on there ?  I never signed up because I was missing too many shows, though for a good long while there,  I'd watch it come heck or high water.  I'd even shut the ringer off.  Ha.

It's funny, but you actually get attached to some of those ladies.  I felt my heart really went out to Candy, who 'was' a prison guard and felt like she wasn't getting enough attention.  I wonder how she's doing now ... I should go check if there's any updates from her and some others.  Also liked what's her name with the breast cancer.  She lived in my area and so did that other one with the amnesia, Bethany.  Gotta get over there to the Site to see about updates. 

Are there any FMS support groups in your area ?  When I couldn't work anymore in 2002, if I hadn't met those from those 2 support groups, I'd have had nobody here. Absolutely nobody, cuz we were new to this area.

Besides, "well" folks don't understand what we go through, so I felt so thankful to talk to people who I didn't have to "explain a thing to".

Even a CFS/CFIDS group would be good for you, because they usually always have Fibro also.  Most groups are a combo of CFS/FMS.

Yes, CFIDS is CFS ... both names are an insult .... but in every other country it's Myalgic Encephalopathy or Encephalomyelitis (M.E.).   That describes it a little better than our CDC's insulting name for it.  We're working on having that changed.... "someday".

Well, fellow SO fan, it is nice talking to you and SO comes on here in exactly 2 min.s and I think maybe later I'll go see their website again ... it's been so long.

FUN talking with you.  You obviously have more than just one talent and I hope you can see that. 

Maybe you and I should join the SO forum and tell them "what for".   Wouldn't that be fun/funny.

TTYA.   Ann


Late Neuro-Lyme & CFIDS. 


Vallie
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/15/2006 4:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Ann,
 
I also got attached to some of the women on SO.  Yes, Cassie, Allison, a few others.   Vanessa got Fibro after a motorcycle accident.  If you are interested in this, there is a link to her website on the SO message board somewhere......I lost the link, sorry.
I also feel very much for Lisa #1.  The people on the message board slammed her, but I can identify with her situation in many ways.  I really feel her pain, understand her reactions....she is tortured, and I hope she does well.
 
The message forum for SO has been moved, but if you go to the main site, they re-route you to it.  I have never posted on it, because, frankly, the people are MEAN.  The pulled Allison apart, to pieces. And they are very mean about some of the other women,....it is horrible!  A few people say nice things, but I have sympathy for ALL the women.  They have gone through H***, and the posters just sit back and critisize as if they had no problems!
I do go there for only two reasons.  One is if I see something interesting in a coming attraction, I sometimes go to the SPOILERS section!  tongue    I can't wait sometimes to see what will happen.   OR, if I missed a show I will try to get the details of what I missed.
Take a look and see what you think.
 
As for a support group in my area, I don't know of any.  I have done searches.....frankly even though I have Fibro, Depression is a bigger challenge for me, and even that is difficult to find in a group setting here.  So I go to private therapy, which I think is a crock. 
You are very lucky you have found the support you deserve. :-)
 
Good to talk to you Ann,
"Ladies, have a fearless day"-- Rhonda
yeah  


Vallie

Post Edited (Vallie) : 2/15/2006 5:05:15 PM (GMT-7)


obs ann
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 679
   Posted 2/15/2006 7:19 PM (GMT -7)   

Hia Vallie,

I'm glad you told me that about SO's Forum.  I don't care for that type of atmosphere.  Have seen too much of that on all sorts of Forums already, when I was searching for a good one.  Pyuck.  We all need compassion in this world.

I had Allison's email address and wanted to meet up with her at one of the fund raisers she had nearby.  I don't know if she's still living in this area though.

I haven't gotten to the SO site yet today, but will check it after.  I would like to check up on any updates on how the old gang is doing.  Cassie was a real sweetie too.

about the Fibro ... I found one Site for FibroSyndrome that I thought was interesting.  I did a Google search on "FMS symptoms" and I think this site was #4 or close therein ... http://www.geocities.com/ifoundthesun/list.html

The reason I did, is because knowing so many people with FMS, depression and the other things you listed in your first post, seem to go along with FMS.   I just thought it would be interesting to search out that Syndrome and maybe, by doing a similar search, you could find a Support group meeting near you, that you could try it, just to see if you'd be interested.

 

Now, I can handle Rhonda's quote a lot better than the "be" a good day.... Ha.

I'm not tiny at 5'2'',  but I've always aspired to be "fearless" for some reason.  I think, personally, I'm a tom boy at heart and always liked doing carpentry rather than cooking.   Watched too many Mighty Mouse cartoons, growing up or something.  I'm almost 53 ... and back then our cartoons are something I still love.  Ha.  Old cartoons are very medicinal. Ho-ho.

Well, I'm going to visit SO now and let me know if you come up with anything new.

Very nice talking with you Vallie. :-)

Take good care.   Ann


Late Neuro-Lyme & CFIDS. 


Vallie
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/15/2006 8:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ann,
Thank you for the Fibro website, I will check it out.
 
I am 42, and have never been fearless, eyes
My parents were afraid of everything, taught me to be, and I have lived my life afraid and stressed.   I  bought Rhonda's book on living fearlessly, but it was impossible for me to do.
I wish I had your perserverence, good for you! yeah
 
Again, thanks for the website, .....although Fibro is a big issue for me, a lot of my depression stems from feelings of being a failure and unworthy of being alive.  All my struggles with meds (for depression) and sickness and just low self-esteem and guilt collectively make me defeated.  Everything just turns out so badly.
Sorry to be a downer, ......it feels like there is nothing more to try.
 
Have fun at the SO site!

Vallie


obs ann
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 679
   Posted 2/15/2006 9:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Naw Vallie, you're not a downer at all.   You're just 'sucked in' right now. 
 
I was there this last Fall - Big Time.  Didn't want anti-depressants.   Wanted to try to dig my way out some how with any other means I could come up with ... but not at first.
At first, I just wanted to coccoon ... but I already told ya all'a that in the first post.
 
They say there's an antidepressant in chocolate ... I believe it.  I'm eating some now.
Wish you lived closer, we could share some and I could show you some funny emails.
 
I met a nice lady from England on that other forum I'm on, and she's coming here to see me next week.  Their language differs from ours, and I get such a kick out of it.
They say some things, that here are like cuss words, but to them, they mean something entirely different.  Ha, I told her we'd have to do some language exchanges while she's here, for her own safety. 
 
I wasn't always talkative.  I went through a shy sort of time.  But that's another long story, but it had everything to do with what you've mentioned of looking inward and not liking who I saw or how my life had turned out. 
 
Well, I went to SO and didn't learn much about anyone, except that Allison's Site has only the Homepage left up for now.  I guess all those mean things those callous folks said, did it's job.   But just temporarily, I hope.   She's gotta come out ... I've been praying for her and now you also, if you wouldn't mind.   Prayers of others, saved my life literally.  I don't think any book would have helped me.  I had to put it all in Another's Hands.  No human could change my self-image, nor take any guilt I've had, nor heal the hurts of my countless failures or those things done to me. 
 
You said it yourself, "have sympathy for ALL".  That was the only thing that began the healing process inside me.  I realised what I was doing was equivlent to walking around with a mirror in my face and I couldn't see much else, bumping into everything as I walked along, as long as I held that mirror there.  My mirror looked inward to me.  
 
 
I'm glad to have met you here.  It's a safe place.
 
Take good care of you and let your people-love lift you.
Ann
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   
Late Neuro-Lyme & CFIDS. 


Vallie
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/16/2006 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Ann,
I will respond more later........didn't sleep last night, the cat kept us up, and the Elavil wasn't "slept off", so I am in a deep fog.
 
Talk to you later,  it is so great that you have such a positive attitude!
 
 
Glad you met a friend from England and she is actually coming here.  That is so cool.  yeah
Vallie


Vallie
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/17/2006 5:13 PM (GMT -7)   
obs ann said...
....... Allison's Site has only the Homepage left up for now.  ......  But just temporarily, I hope.   She's gotta come out ... I've been praying for her and now you also, if you wouldn't mind.   Prayers of others, saved my life literally.  I don't think any book would have helped me.  I had to put it all in Another's Hands.  No human could change my self-image, nor take any guilt I've had, nor heal the hurts of my countless failures or those things done to me. 
 
You said it yourself, "have sympathy for ALL".  That was the only thing that began the healing process inside me.  I realised what I was doing was equivlent to walking around with a mirror in my face and I couldn't see much else, bumping into everything as I walked along, as long as I held that mirror there.  My mirror looked inward to me.  

 
Dear Ann,
 
You are very kind. I thank you for your prayers.
I hate to say this, but I have become bitter over being spiritual.  I was not always, but I cannot understand all the suffering in the world.  And, with my depression, and old and new ailments, the fact that I cannot function as others can, has made me bitter and skeptical about a higher power.  I believe one exists, but intentions...?.....I dunno. 
I hope I am not offending you in any way, it is just how I feel. I have a great deal of trouble trying to figure out how to help myself.  I feel very scattered, unable to focus, trapped by my physical limitations, and my low, low LOW self-esteem.  I am working on myself, but have been for years, and don't feel I am really gettting anywhere. 
Vent Vent Vent, lol  eyes
You are a sweetheart, and I miss SO.  One more week to go of withdrawl, and then it will be back in my area.
 
I don't know how to find joy in life.  Does anyone out there have advice on building self-esteem and self-worth? 
 
Thanks!

Vallie


hope3
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 3/10/2006 2:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Vallie,Im so glad I found someone who feels about life like I do.Its hard for me to say how I really feel inside.I dont have what you have,but I do have alot of other health problems that keeps me feeling worthless and depressed alot.I have coronary heart failure,thyroidism,depression and anxiety.Quite a list huh haha.I also question why me because i believe in god,but dont understand why I have to suffer this way.I 've been disabled for 4 years now and its very hard,when I think of how active I used to be.This is the most i have said about myself since i've been on HW.You gave me the courage to that.I wish you well,my prayers are with you.I just wanted you to know that your not alone and we can all help each other!
Have questions about CHF or just heart disease,also about thyroid problem,can anyone help please?


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 3/10/2006 5:14 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi hope3,  I am glad to see you over here from the cardio forum. :-)    I just wanted to tell you that I understand how you described.  I was always so active even with my diagnosis of MS and worked everyday.  Now that I have Multiple System Atrophy and autonomic failure, multiple heart problems and depression on top of all of that I find it hard to just get out of bed in the mornings.  That alone will make you depressed.  I have often wondered what did I do to deserve to become like this.  Then I have to stop and remember that my future is not laid out in stone, I may be sick and limited in what I can do but I still make my own choices.  And there is always so much worse. 

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  I am glad that you have come over here to lend your positive outlook to all of us.  Take care.....


~elisha
 


Vallie
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 3/10/2006 5:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi hope3,
 
I am glad that you have found your voice to say what you wish to say.  It is good to talk about all this stuff that many of us keep pushed down inside.   I also ask, why me, God?......lately I have tried to just focus on, well, good and bad happen, now is bad, and good will come again.   Sounds corny, but it difuses the anger for me a bit.  When I can do it. tongue
Don't get me wrong, I am still sick and depressed, but I am trying harder to focus on what I enjoy, reading, watching my favorite TV shows, talking to a friend.  Something to get through the day.
 
Nice to meet you!

Vallie


hope3
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 3/11/2006 2:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks els I think this site will help me very much.I need to learn how to talk more about how this disease has effected my life,and how I feel because of it I dont do that,and I know it will help me.Thanks again and take care!
Have questions about CHF or just heart disease,also about thyroid problem,can anyone help please?


hope3
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 3/11/2006 2:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Vallie,I agree things could always be alot worse and Im thankful every day of the things that I can do.It doesnt sound corny to me,I also try to stay focused on anything but me, it really does help.Thanks and nice to meet you too! Take Care!
Have questions about CHF or just heart disease,also about thyroid problem,can anyone help please?

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