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AMDragon
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 2/16/2006 9:59 AM (GMT -7)   
I am 25 years old and I have had Depression in some form or another since I was 10. I am also a cutter. I use it to get my mind off the pain inside. I don't want to live right now and I can't see why other people do. I hate everything around me and I wish there was a way to just stop. I can't stand to fight this anymore. The only reason I have not tried suicide just yet is that I promised my mom I wouldn't. I am not sure how long that promise will last, I am not sure I care what they think enough for it to matter. I am so confused and I don't know what to do. . . sad

bluemeanies
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 1372
   Posted 2/16/2006 1:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Are you on any anti-depressants or seing a counselor? I would strongly encourage you to seek out someone to help. If money is a problem you can try a behavorial health center or clinic. I hope you are feeling better soon.

aaroncoal1
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 2/16/2006 4:05 PM (GMT -7)   
AMD,
suicide is a permanant solution to a HIGHLY treatable and temporary problem. I have had depression and panic diosorder since I was 14 and I know how you feel. You have got to keep fighting even though every instinct inside you says to lay down and give up. No one has to be destined for a life of depression if they just keep fighting.
I've heard stories of people being depressed for 40 to 50 years and then finally finding a treatment that saved their lives after all those years. Life is precious and even though people like you and I have this illness we should live it to the fullest with every ounce of fight we have in us.

Just know that I am praying for you specifically even as I type this.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/17/2006 5:29 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi AMDragon,  I wanted to say welcome to healing well forum.  We are glad to have you.  I hope that we can provide the kind of information and support that you are looking for.

I also have had depression since I was a child due to abuse.  When I was in high school I tried cutting and other ways of harming myself but it didn't relieve any of the inner turmoil that I felt so I abandoned this idea.  I can sympathize with the feelings that you have posted as I have felt this way most of my life.  I often would have thoughts of ending my life and the only reason why I didn't was because I knew that it would absolutely kill my mother.  It sounds to me as if you have the very same situation.  I have been on antidepressants for over 12 years now.  However, there have been peroids inbetween this time when I have gone off my meds or had to quit taking them for some reason or another.  When I did these feelings always would come back and then I knew it was time to get to the doctor and get medication again. 

Please seek help from a doctor,  psychiatrist or counselor.  We are here for you.


~elisha
 


AMDragon
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 2/17/2006 10:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I have been on various meds on and off through the years. They tried zoloft, prozac (twice), symbiax, and now we are trying a combo of seroquel and one that I can't remember the name. I have been switching now for almost three weeks to this new one, so my control is severly lacking as far as thinking clearly. I am in group therapy and when I leave there it seems easier to handle, but once I get home and, especially at night, I feel like I am attacked. I keep fighting, but it's always there in the back of my mind. I hate it.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/17/2006 3:46 PM (GMT -7)   
I know.  It is a terrible feeling.  I am glad to know that you are on medications and in therapy.  You just have to hold on.  If you know that the night is a difficult time for you maybe try to set some things in place that you like to do to keep your mind occupied and engaged.  Since you just switched meds 3 weeks ago it shouldn't be too long now before you start to feel better (hopefully).  Were here for you.............

~elisha
 


AMDragon
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 2/19/2006 1:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, I just have to keep it one day at a time, I can't function otherwise, but sometimes I just don't want to get up in the morning and it seems like on those days nothing goes the way I want, I end up worse off at the end than the beginning and that wasn't too swift to start with. Is there something wrong with me that I can't get a handle on this, why do other people get better and stay that way, and I don't. I get better then end up worse than when I started, each progression is worse than the last, what is the use in fighting each and every day only to have to fight even harder the next, and then twice as hard thw next one after that. Life does not seem worth the fight. It really doesn't. Why are people so obsessed with living? It sucks, and I don't have any problems/worries- except depression at any rate.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/20/2006 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
It isn't necessarily that people get better it is just that they have learned how to manage their depression.  Either it is with medications, therapy or a combination of both. This is how I control my depression.  Believe me if I went off my Effexor it would not be pretty.  You have to want to keep going.  Life is a gift that you only get to do once.  My attitude regarding it was much like yours is now.  I have had multiple sclerosis for 5 yrs and am in pain much of the time which is depressing in itself.  The weird thing was that this past august I became sick with multiple system atrophy which is an atypical type of Parkinson's disease.  The life expectancy is 7 years after diagnosis, I received my final diagnosis two weeks ago.  I have learned that I cant look forward into the future I have to live for today and make the best of it.  Just like you said one day at a time.  Life is worth the fight.  Keep fighting it.........
~elisha
 


lerie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 966
   Posted 2/20/2006 12:29 PM (GMT -7)   
AM dragon. Welcome to HW forum, hang in there sweetie, you'll find a lot of caring, supportive people here who understand what you are going thru. Hope you feel better soon. Never give up! My thoughts & prayers are with you. later....
"There is at least one good thing in each and every day we just have to find it and if we look hard enough we will.Somedays we just have to look a little harder than others,but its alway's there.
 
Valerie


AMDragon
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 2/22/2006 1:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks every one, I am feeling better all the time. I am just worried that my family (parents and sister) will hate me for being so . . . weak, I think is the word I need to use. I mean I keep quiting job and what not because of the stress it puts on me, so now they think I am the worlds biggerst quitter. At least that is the impression I get, when they talk to me, which is rare. erk. Have you all found that journal writing helps more than if you don't write in a journal?

Texas Aggie
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 80
   Posted 2/24/2006 7:54 PM (GMT -7)   

AM Dragon,

I can't imagine what I would do without my journal. I don't write in it everyday, but when something is really upsetting me its a God send. Then sometimes I will read what I have written a while ago and see how far I have come. Its a great way to get all of your feelings out - like you have a place to put them instead of obsessing about them in your head.

Have you thought about seeing an individual counselor in addition to your group therapy? That might be really helpful - it helped me a lot.

I hope your meds work and kick in soon.

Shannon


Lumbar post laminectomy syndrome, radiculopathy, spinal stenosis, disc degeneration, otesoporosis, spinal cord stimulator. No accidents - just inherited a bad back.
 
Meds: Effexor, Gabitril, Hydrocodone, Percocet, Ativan, Flexiril (not all at the same time) :)


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/25/2006 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Texas Aggie,

I know that you are a regular member but you are new to the depression forum so I wanted to welcome you to our group.  We are glad to have your input.

Take care


~elisha
 


hope3
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 3/10/2006 3:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Amdragon,I also have felt the way you do more than once.Life can be hard at times,but we have to keep going because life can be very surprising at times we never know what it can bring.Your too young to give up,life changes all the time and things will get better,even though it doesnt feel that way right now.I also have severe heart disease and I know my life can be over at any moment.I just take it one day at a time.Please dont give up on yourself your life is worthwhile and you are not a failure.When you feel at your worst,think about the people you will leave behind and how much they will miss you.That is what always stopped me from doing what your thinking about.Get proffesional help,there are 24 hour hotlines you can call to help you.Please callthem if you need to.You can always come and chat here too.People are great here.My prayers are with you,hang in there ok?
Have questions about CHF or just heart disease,also about thyroid problem,can anyone help please?

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