pretending to be someone I'm not

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Moonflower
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 2/19/2006 1:18 PM (GMT -7)   
I feel like I am always trying to hide who I am..I mean, in real life. I should probably explain that I have social anxiety...I have a difficult time making friends and can't handle large crowds. I can't help thinking that nobody wants to talk to someone like me, who is introverted with only a few friends. I mean, I am at Uni, so most of the students I try talking to seem to socialize by going to bars and stuff. Which is fine, except I don't really go to bars because I don't really have anyone to go to them with. It seems like every conversation I have with other students ends up being about what clubs they like, what parties they are going to that weekend and stories about being drunk. And obviously I can't really contribute to those conversations...I mean, I don't go to parties. I am a home body.
 
I feel like this is a secret of mine. That I can't let people see how introverted I am and what a home body I am or they will think I'm a loser or boring. So I make it sound like I go out. Even some of the people I am getting to know better this year, I am afraid of becoming too close to them or they might find out what I am really like. I'm afraid they'll decide that I'm boring and no longer be interested in me. Like I am starting to feel stressed out about this guy I have a crush on, because he's starting to get to know me better and he's very outgoing and I am not and I feel like he might think less or me or pity me or something if he realizes that I don't have very many friends and basically have no life.
 
Anyway I am tired of hiding who I am, but I don't know how to stop hiding, or if I should stop. It's just depressing that I am not like other people. It seems like everyone expects/wants me to be a certain way (outgoing) or else there is something wrong with me. One of my highschool friends from back home told me that I am "kind of a hermit/loner" (I forget which adjective she used). That comment really hurt me. I mean why does she care how I live my life? If she thinks it can be done better, she can go do it herself. I have stopped talking to her since then because I feel really uncomfrotable with her always asking me about my social life. I mean I am doing the best I can, ok? Sorry for not being miss social butterfly.
 
Well I guess that's all I have to say...just wondering if anyone else knows how I feel. I just wish I could be myself and be accepted for that, but I feel like I am not, by most people. I think this is the major source of my depression. Do you know what I mean?

AMDragon
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 2/19/2006 1:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Reading this post is like reading in my journal. I understand all of this COMPLETELY. I too am not one to go outside. I would rather read a book curled up in my favorite chair than even go on a date ( not that I have a choice about it, tehe harhar) -sorry sarcasm got away from me, anyway- if this guy you like is some one that you really want to get to know, if he is someone that you think could be good for you then let him see who you are in little bits and peices, if he seems to draw back, you'll have an answer, even if it isn't the one you wanted. But if you do nothing you risk, not losing, but never having the chance. The chance that he can accept you for who you "really" are, not everyone likes the social butterfly. I have met lots of people that tell me they like being around me because I don't say anything unless I have something to say, I don't babble basically. Of course none of those people are in my circle of friends, so I can't vouch for how true the words are, I just know that they feel right, that if you try it can't go wrong- though it may not go the way you wish. Be strong and NEVER be ashamed/afraid of who you are, you are special because you are YOU, there is no other reason needed. You are a spirit child of Heavenly Parents and you are loved because of who you are, they know exactly who you are, and that person is beautiful and wonderful. Humans are not perfect so they can't show perfect love, but others are not so constrained. (Sorry if my religious bit offened you, it's judt what I know).

yellow
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 2/19/2006 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so glad you started this post bc I completely feel you on what you're saying. I'm in college too and I pretty much got all my partying done in high school so it's hard to relate to my peers. Sometimes I wish I could meet an older crowd, but then wonder if I'm going to find a flaw in that group as well. Basically, I will take my problems with me wherever I go and can't count on interaction with different types of people to "fix me". So, what's my solution? I'm the biggest loner ever. While I get along with my friends, their partying bores me, I way prefer to be at home with a book/good movie. But they don't know this about me, I'm very private/secretive. Anyway, this one is a toughy for me too bc..what am I supposed to do? find other loner friends? Or do I need outgoing people to balance me out?

Papa Bear
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 34
   Posted 2/20/2006 4:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Moonflower I am hyjacking this thread because its very interesting.

All I can contribute is that I wish I had said no to "partying" when I was your age...I caved in to peer pressure at your age and I lost a great deal.

Good luck to you ladies

Glenniem
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 2/20/2006 5:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Oooh! Ooooh! Just lemme add something else here!!!
I have been faking it all my life as well. I am willing to bet if it weren't for years of honing this "talent" I would have never been able to have someone love me. 15 years after my vows, my therapist is suggesting that a happier life can be found if I became more of myself.
I asked him then, "well, whaddif my wife don't like it?"
He sez she might not.

And boy is she ever not liking it. Yes, I am feeling better about myself at the cost of my marriage.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/20/2006 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   

Good thread everyone!!

I am 32 now and have some social anxiety issues also.  However, when I was in my teens and twenties I had no problems dating, partying and putting myself out there so to speak.  Upon reflection of that time in my life it dawned on me that it wasn't me just someone pretending to be someone else.  I made lots of mistakes and hurt some people along the way.  At what price was to be paid? my soul?  I cant say what point I actually made a turn around in my life as I don't know.  I would go back and redo so much if I could.  My point is that you can see people that look carefree and without any problems and wish to be like them or want to join them but deep down they are just like you and me.  They are probably pretending to be something they are not for people to like them.  Those kind of relationships are shallow and not often kept for long term.  I am not in contact with a single person from that time in my life.  I know now that I don't have to hide who I am.  If someone doesn't like me for that then it is their problem, I don't want or need their negativity in my life anyway......


~elisha
 


bluestorm
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/20/2006 7:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Some people "escape" by partying, others "escape" with a good book/movie.  The outgoing, party people are probably just as scared/insecure as the rest of us - it just manifests in a different form.
 
Moonflower, I used to feel like a loner too and longed to be part of the outgoing crowd.  One way I got around this was by almost inviting myself along to events (or creating them - ie. ask someone to a movie, instead of waiting for them to ask me).  I used to always wait for other people to invite me places, or initiate social activities, but once I started to take the bull by the horns, my social life naturally expanded.  If someone mentioned an upcoming party, I would say "that sounds like fun" (or something similar) and more often than not I would get invited.  It did mean really stepping outside of my comfort zone, but in some ways it was a good challenge for my social anxiety.  It took a long time, but I realized that I am more "social" than I thought, and I'm not a bore after all.  I'm sure you have lots of interesting things to talk about, it's just hard to let it flow naturally.  It takes practice, like any other skill.  Some people will never be responsive, but I found that others were really responsive when I engaged them in conversation first.  It's almost as though putting others at ease first (because everyone feels awkward in social settings, some are just better at hiding it) made me feel more at ease, if that makes sense.  Anyway, I hope this helps you somehow!

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/21/2006 7:33 AM (GMT -7)   
UGH at this topic. I have been the same way all of my life. Even has a little kid my mom always told everyone that I was a loner. I don't really remember hanging out with other kids,what I remember is being alone.
I went through a stage in my life though with partying and doing major drugs. From 14 to about 16.
Then I got married at the very young age of 18 and commited my life to my kids and abusive husband.
After my divorce I went through a party all of the time stage. I think I was trying to make up for lost time.
Now, I don't do anything. Sit at home. Feel lucky to go to the store (that is if I can get over the panic attacks while driving).
shynsassy@healingwell.net


Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


Moonflower
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 2/23/2006 9:22 PM (GMT -7)   

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies...

It's nice to know some people out there are like me and know how I feel...sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who is like this! The reason I think that I'm just not very social is because I've always been a "loner" as a kid. My mom has told me that even when I was in kindergarden, I wouldn't play with the other kids very often. Apparantly I was happy playing by myself and left the other kids cuz I "didn't like what they were doing." So it's kinda discouraging when I see that this is just part of who I am...but at the same time, it's kinda cool to see how independent I am? I've always just done what I wanted to do...that is, everything except have too many friends :(. I somehow developed the bad habit of constantly comparing myself to other people. If I see someone who goes out a lot, I look at myself and think "wow I'm kind of a loser in comparison."

I'll read over everyone's suggestions again and try doing some of them...I have to make things better somehow!


browneyesnky402
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 2/24/2006 1:08 PM (GMT -7)   
eyes  I to have depression and other health problem's, You are not alone. I don't go any where any more and i also just like being at home.I would like to make some friend's here.I'm 49 and in a bad marriage i also have fibromyalga sy 

AMDragon
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/1/2006 5:10 PM (GMT -7)   
I can't imagine what it must be like to have depression and some other malady. I have all I can handle with just the depression ( and a tad of bi polar with autistic tendencies)*great mix lol*.
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