OK, I'm going to call a behavioral health hospital later this morning, I already found one approved by my insurance.
However, there is one thing.... I've never actually attempted to kill myself, is this the only criteria for being admitted? I think about being "gone", probably little word tricks I play on myself, huh?
I can't take another day, here's a typical day for me. I don't work, so I'm home all day.
Hubby: good morning
eat breakfast, read the paper in silence.
hubby: I'm leaving
the day passes, I cry every single day, some days more than others. I have no friends.
hubby: I'm home
dinner in silence
watch TV in silence
go to bed, no goodnight...
and start over the next day.
He doesn't want to talk to me because I'm a "crazy *****" and no wonder no one wants anything to do with me. I can't tell you the last time I had any eye contact with him or anyone.
I do have a son at home, he's in college, but I try not to unload on him, and I try to "act normal" so he doesn't have to deal with this. At least he will make cheap chatter with me sometimes if he's home, the only person that talks to me. Thank goodness I have two dogs, at least I can hug them and cry around them, sad truth is the only kisses or affection I get is from my dogs.
I try to tell myself that I can "get through" another day, but I can't. I can hardly eat anymore, I can't remember the last time I smiled or that I had fun, whatever that is.
I only don't try anything because I wouldn't want to hurt my son, who is really the only person I have who cares about me.
I haven't even told my hubby I'm looking into a hospital because why bother? He doesn't want to even hear my voice, much less the substance of what I have to say.