Emprisoned by my emotions

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Natie
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/23/2006 3:46 AM (GMT -7)   

I'm not really sure one how this site works, but at this point I'm willing to give anything a try. I am a 20 year old law student finishing up my first degree this year. I am fairly good looking, overall in good physically health, have a mother and father which I know just want the best for me deep down inside, I am intelligent, currently engaged, moving to a new city at the end of the year into a home made specially for me, but somehow the ghosts of the past just won't leave me alone.

I am experiencing exstreme guilt for feeling this way since there is so much other people with situations far worse than mine. But I catch myself feeling unhappy, depressed, unable to contain my emotions and overall just completely suicidal.

I'm currently still living with my parents, which as I said just want the best for me, but express their emotions in a dominating over-protective manner. I'm without transportation and live far from the core of the city. I feel trapped in my room, since the communication between us is not what it's suppose to be. I'm not allowed to do anything - if I point out I would like more freedom - then they think I don't appreciate them. If on an odd occasion I get the desire to drink one glass of wine - then I'm an alcoholic. Confronting them about my sad emotional state just provokes the reaction of: "we're all tired and sick of life". I feel like I'm serving out a jail sentence. I've always been the perfect "role-model" child completely different from my sister, the "rebel", but since I've grown up and started thinking for myself if I can put it that way, they still expect me to be perfect. I started smoking for example about six months ago and my mother wept about it for 2 weeks from dissapointed that her "perfect child" would do something like that. My home is suppose to be a place of tranquility and I dread going there.

I've also had 3 exstremely bad relationships this past year. The first one a guy who I lost my virginity with and then he just dissapeared, only to show up again a month later to batter me about what a ***** I am. The second constantly telling me of how many imperfections I have physically and mentally. And the third who I later found out had a girlfriend (which I new nothing about), and when I tried to get out of our so-called "relationship", he raped me. In fear of going to anyone for the rejection and disgust I might encounter, I hid it. And when I missed my period I was terrified that I might be pregnant. I desperately called abortion clinics thinking this was my only way out. And when it turned out I wasn't pregnant I blamed myself for even thinking of murdering my baby. My motherly instinct is sometimes I think even more than some woman’s and I would never ever consider that option again but will never fully recover from the thoughts that came into my mind at that stage and the blame I had put on myself because of that.

My work environment is completely gastly. For about 5 months now the situation has just deteriorated. Every day seems to be getting worse and I feel that I just can’t bear it anymore. Everything I do (and that’s quite a lot considering I’m suppose to be a full time student) is missed by the manager and it would seem that I am in trouble now everyday for the most absurd of reasons. My best friend in my workplace resigned about 3 months ago and since everyone is using me as a target I work myself sick just not to think of how lonely I am and make sure I’m not in the office at lunch time to avoid uncomfortable encounters with my other employees.

I can’t consentrate which led to the fact that my academic work is drastically taken a fall. I can study all I want but I just don’t get the desired marks – not because I’m stupid or unwilling – just because the facts won’t sink in.

Further even though my family is happy for me nothing I plan for the wedding their happy with. I want it small and cosy but they just want to brag and now their not even gonna come!!

I’m in a ghastly financial situation. I once was on Luvox for depression but since the drug is so expensive I can’t even afford the medication. I have no support from my family, no true friends, an unhappy life and just one life string to hang on to. My fiance. But I’m so afraid my issues and baggage of the past will scare him away. So far he’s coping very good with my constant mood swings and unexplainable anger fits but I’m so afraid. So dreadfully afraid he’s gonna leave me because of who I am. Somebody please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/23/2006 6:41 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Natie,

One of the things that jumped out at my by your post was that you state that your parents are overprotective.  Often you will see that when there is a family dynamic such as this that the "good child" you for instance will start to do things to rebel and overstress their indepence from their parents.  Such as smoking, dating guys that you probably wouldn't have gone out with otherwise.  I was wondering if you feel that the major part of your down fall of feelings center around after you were raped by your ex-boyfriend?  Did you have any counseling after this happened?

My suggestion to you would be since you are basically depending on your parents at least until you get married, is to talk to them about your feelings and what has happened.  If you feel that you cant talk to them for whatever reason than maybe check and see if your school offers counseling services a lot of colleges do for their students.  Also you can go to your family doctor and let them know that you are having feelings of self harm and ask him to put you back on an antidepressant.  Make sure that they know you don't have insurance and cant pay out of pocket for it.  Most doctors offices get samples of a lot of antidepressants and for people that cant pay are welling to give them samples, so see if this is an option.  Try to find what resources you have available to you in your area that you can utilize. 

Were here for you.......


~elisha
 


Natie
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/23/2006 8:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi elisha

Thank you for replying its so nice to know that somebody is there. Your question about if my feelings centre around my rape is hard to answer for me. I denied it for a very long time about being raped. I went from the fewpoint that it was me, it was my fault. Somehow I shouldve handled the situation better that led to my rape. Even though I said "no" and "stop" I must subconsciously have invited him to hurt me. I think one of the main issues the fact that I considered having an abortion. And I know this sounds idiotic but even though I didnt' have one in the end, I still feel like I am a horrible person for considering a thing like that.

I come from a very religious family and I also truly believe that abortion is murder. I feel the fact that all these bad things in almost every aspect of my life must be my fault. Isn't good things suppose to happen to good people?? THis leads me to the conclusion that it's my fault. All of this is my fault. My thoughts, my actions, my words, I don't like who I have become. I honestly feel like a bad person who isn't worthy to be on the earth and only brings misery and worries to others, even though logic tells me that isn't true I still feel that way.

I didn't seek counselling after my rape, firstly because I was in denial that it had happened and secondly for the fact that I had been ashamed of it. I felt very dirty and didn't know what to do or where to go. A month ago I had finally opened up to my fiance and told him everything including about what happened that night and what I considered afterwards. He made me realize that it was rape. Even if I didn't want to admit it.

At this point I have just realized that besides the fact that I am unhappy constantly these days, I have no control over my emotions.
No control whatsoever. I have moodswings like crazy, I get upset over the smallest little thing, I get anger fits like crazy where I completely overreact about everything and then always end up crying about my behaviour afterwards. I'm so frustrated feeling the way I feel. I'm completely irrasional and unstable. It feels like my brain decided to go on leave and don't control my emotions anymore. And that leads to further stress and unhappiness.

Natie
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/23/2006 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   
This may sound very strange. But I think all I really want and need at this point is a supporting ear to listen to what i have to say and tell me things are going to be alright. I keep so many things bottled up inside constantly I feel I need to let them come out. They're destroying me.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/23/2006 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Natie,  I completely understand.  I am so glad that you were able to tell your fiancee about what happened to you.  The feelings that you are having is normal for what you have been through.  You can get through this.  I went through something very similar when I was your age.  It is tough to get through.  Talking it out does help and we are here for you at any time.  Keep posting .

~elisha
 


silentcry
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 2/23/2006 1:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Natie,

Sweetheart, I wish I could hold you right now and take your pain away. I promise you that these feelings will eventually subside. You are not alone. And many people care about you and want the best for you. I understand parents, friends and sibblings not "getting it". Not hearing your desperate cry for help. My family reacted to me with a "get over it". They didn't realize the depth of my pain. You are experimenting major mood swings because you are screaming out in the only way you know how. You want help. You need help, Sweetie. Contact the counselor at your school. Tell them what has happened to you and express your feelings. Please sit your parents down. Try to get the words right in your mind and express just how important this is and desperate the situation is. It's not funny and cannot be brushed off as if you broke a nail. My feeling is that when they are enlightened to the severity of your pain, that they will get serious in your aid. Parents sometimes have a hard time believing their "good" child could have such problems... they react as if you are whining for no good reason. Honey, you are a far cry from the names these schoolboys put on you. How can a virgin be a *****? Honey HE is the one with issues. Do NOT listen to these creeps! Real men cherrish and respect women. You are beautiful. Don't ever forget that! It is a normal reaction to want to rid of a pregnancy of rape. That has NOTHING to do with a precious life. It was a jerk reaction to a terrible act that was done to you. My feeling is that with your beliefs you would not have carried through when all was said and done. You cannot allow thoughts to over-run truth. The truth is, you have an extremely loving heart.... motherly. Any child you do have eventually will be blessed with your beautiful soul. The feelings you are experiencing now will also aid you to be more open and available with your future family. The counselors will give you tools to rid yourself of guilt and pain. Please promise me that you will contact your counselor. My heart is with you. Hang in there Sweetie and let us know how you are coping. We will remain here for your support. You're not alone...

Kari

Natie
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/23/2006 9:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you everybody - its so nice to finally be able to talk to somebody about this - somebody who understand what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling all of these things. Thank you so very much!!

I'm going to keep on posting just to express how I feel, sounds strange but somehow it makes me feel better knowing there's other people in the world who knows how it feels and offer their support.

It's easier for me to talk over the internet about my feelings. I find that talking to somebody about it face-to-face make me uncomfortable and makes me hold back a lot of my feelings. As I said its just nice knowing somebody is there to listen. So incredibly nice.

I'm going to the doctor today to ask if he can but me on some anti-depressant. Hopefully he'll be as helpfull as all of you.

Write to you all again soon.
Thank you again

silentcry
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 2/23/2006 10:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Good. I'm so glad you are getting help! We are here for you and look forward to hearing back.

Kari

dancinmama
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 2/23/2006 11:18 PM (GMT -7)   
hi, my name is tamera and i'm pretty new on here. these guys seem so supportive and caring. i'm glad you are reaching out. i have struggled with depression and have a similar family situation. my mom specifically is very overprotective and has acted the way you described your mom. giving me guilt trips about the choices i've made for my life that are different than what she would want for me. when i was 22 i left home and went across the country with a friend from college. i was in ca for 7 years and during that time i started dealing with my depression and anxiety. and also my relationship with my mom. she used to make me SO angry. but thank God, He has helped me a lot with her and things are much better now. so i want to encourage you that things can improve between you and your parents in time. like i said i have a history of depression and have been on different meds for it, i even admitted myself to the hospital once because i felt suicidal. i agree with the others, that you need to talk to a therapist because of the depression and suicidal thoughts. i think that some medication could help you cope better with everything that is going on right now. i also want to say, please try to forgive yourself for wanting to get an abortion when you thought you were pregnant. i know i've done and thought many things that i regret, and i have had to forgive myself for the sake of regaining peace. i just want to remind you that there is HOPE and to hold onto it.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/24/2006 8:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Natie,  I am so glad that you are going to the doctor today.  I know that sometimes it is easier to talk to people in situation such as this rather than face to face.  That is perfectly ok, just as long as you are dealing with the emotions that feel that there is a positive outcome.  A lot of times it is just a matter of getting it out.  Please let us know how your appointment goes....

~elisha
 


Natie
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/26/2006 9:51 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi elisha, everyone

I went to the doctor and he put me back on Luvox100.  I don't know if any of you know the drug.  Anyways, know it will take some time to work, but kind of forgot how it affected me in the beginning.  Suffering at this point from sleeplessness (not unusual for me but seems to have gotten worse) and feel terribly sick. 

Have had another fight with my parents last night and at this point I've decided to get married in a magistrate's court with just witnesses.  They're putting too much pressure on me for this wedding and I feel it's suppose to be MY happy day.  Isn't it??  So i reckon that if I do it this way then everybody is unhappy so at least its fair. 

Would like to ask any christians and I don't know if I'll get an answer here, but do you think the Lord will still bless my marriage if I don't get married in a church?  I'm not sure and it's kind of stressing me up because I"m very religious and would have liked to get married in a church.  What I'm planning to do is not what I want at this point, but its seems to be the best answer.  If somebody can answer me on this question I would highly appreciate it.

Thanks everyone, Natie xoxo


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/27/2006 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Natie,

I am so glad that you got on medication.  I was on Luvox for two years and it worked really well for me.  I had to change medications due to heart problems so I am now on Effexor.  But I hope that it works as well for you as it did for me.  You are right it will take a few weeks to reach its full effect. 

I am also sorry about your parents.  I was blessed with having an understanding mom so I cant imagine what it must be like to have to live and grow up like that.  Your wedding day is YOUR day not your moms or dads and it should be how you want it.  If you do decide to get married in a magistrate's court (I am guessing that you are probably in England?) than just make sure that it is something that you are not going to regret.  Eloping is ok and is done all the time for financial reasons.  You could go to your pastor and seek his advise on the matter.  It sounds to me that you need to have an intervention with your parents ASAP.  If you are old enuf to get married than they need to see the kind of damage that they are causing to their relationship with you. 


~elisha
 


silentcry
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 2/27/2006 12:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Natie,

I hope you are feeling better soon. Regarding the wedding. You stated YOU wanted to get married in a church. Then do it. Do it your way... this is your and your future husband's day... no one elses. God is with you always. no matter where you are or where you chose to wed. But from your religious beliefs, I think you know the right answer for YOU. Let your family know that they are stressing you out and what you have considered at the court house due to their pressure. Let them know that you want them part of this wedding and to have their support ythroughout our marraige as well. Let them know that you appreciate where their heart is... I would imagine that they think they are helping.. and have your best interest at heart. Am I right? Ask them to allow you to do this your way and to back off a bit.... respectfully. Good luck Sweetie.

Kari

james73
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 2/27/2006 1:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Natie ,
On the wedding topic ...You can always re-new your vows at a later date in a church, when things calm down for you .

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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