I'm not really sure one how this site works, but at this point I'm willing to give anything a try. I am a 20 year old law student finishing up my first degree this year. I am fairly good looking, overall in good physically health, have a mother and father which I know just want the best for me deep down inside, I am intelligent, currently engaged, moving to a new city at the end of the year into a home made specially for me, but somehow the ghosts of the past just won't leave me alone.
I am experiencing exstreme guilt for feeling this way since there is so much other people with situations far worse than mine. But I catch myself feeling unhappy, depressed, unable to contain my emotions and overall just completely suicidal.
I'm currently still living with my parents, which as I said just want the best for me, but express their emotions in a dominating over-protective manner. I'm without transportation and live far from the core of the city. I feel trapped in my room, since the communication between us is not what it's suppose to be. I'm not allowed to do anything - if I point out I would like more freedom - then they think I don't appreciate them. If on an odd occasion I get the desire to drink one glass of wine - then I'm an alcoholic. Confronting them about my sad emotional state just provokes the reaction of: "we're all tired and sick of life". I feel like I'm serving out a jail sentence. I've always been the perfect "role-model" child completely different from my sister, the "rebel", but since I've grown up and started thinking for myself if I can put it that way, they still expect me to be perfect. I started smoking for example about six months ago and my mother wept about it for 2 weeks from dissapointed that her "perfect child" would do something like that. My home is suppose to be a place of tranquility and I dread going there.
I've also had 3 exstremely bad relationships this past year. The first one a guy who I lost my virginity with and then he just dissapeared, only to show up again a month later to batter me about what a ***** I am. The second constantly telling me of how many imperfections I have physically and mentally. And the third who I later found out had a girlfriend (which I new nothing about), and when I tried to get out of our so-called "relationship", he raped me. In fear of going to anyone for the rejection and disgust I might encounter, I hid it. And when I missed my period I was terrified that I might be pregnant. I desperately called abortion clinics thinking this was my only way out. And when it turned out I wasn't pregnant I blamed myself for even thinking of murdering my baby. My motherly instinct is sometimes I think even more than some woman’s and I would never ever consider that option again but will never fully recover from the thoughts that came into my mind at that stage and the blame I had put on myself because of that.
My work environment is completely gastly. For about 5 months now the situation has just deteriorated. Every day seems to be getting worse and I feel that I just can’t bear it anymore. Everything I do (and that’s quite a lot considering I’m suppose to be a full time student) is missed by the manager and it would seem that I am in trouble now everyday for the most absurd of reasons. My best friend in my workplace resigned about 3 months ago and since everyone is using me as a target I work myself sick just not to think of how lonely I am and make sure I’m not in the office at lunch time to avoid uncomfortable encounters with my other employees.
I can’t consentrate which led to the fact that my academic work is drastically taken a fall. I can study all I want but I just don’t get the desired marks – not because I’m stupid or unwilling – just because the facts won’t sink in.
Further even though my family is happy for me nothing I plan for the wedding their happy with. I want it small and cosy but they just want to brag and now their not even gonna come!!
I’m in a ghastly financial situation. I once was on Luvox for depression but since the drug is so expensive I can’t even afford the medication. I have no support from my family, no true friends, an unhappy life and just one life string to hang on to. My fiance. But I’m so afraid my issues and baggage of the past will scare him away. So far he’s coping very good with my constant mood swings and unexplainable anger fits but I’m so afraid. So dreadfully afraid he’s gonna leave me because of who I am. Somebody please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One of the things that jumped out at my by your post was that you state that your parents are overprotective. Often you will see that when there is a family dynamic such as this that the "good child" you for instance will start to do things to rebel and overstress their indepence from their parents. Such as smoking, dating guys that you probably wouldn't have gone out with otherwise. I was wondering if you feel that the major part of your down fall of feelings center around after you were raped by your ex-boyfriend? Did you have any counseling after this happened?
My suggestion to you would be since you are basically depending on your parents at least until you get married, is to talk to them about your feelings and what has happened. If you feel that you cant talk to them for whatever reason than maybe check and see if your school offers counseling services a lot of colleges do for their students. Also you can go to your family doctor and let them know that you are having feelings of self harm and ask him to put you back on an antidepressant. Make sure that they know you don't have insurance and cant pay out of pocket for it. Most doctors offices get samples of a lot of antidepressants and for people that cant pay are welling to give them samples, so see if this is an option. Try to find what resources you have available to you in your area that you can utilize.
Were here for you.......
Hi elisha, everyone
I went to the doctor and he put me back on Luvox100. I don't know if any of you know the drug. Anyways, know it will take some time to work, but kind of forgot how it affected me in the beginning. Suffering at this point from sleeplessness (not unusual for me but seems to have gotten worse) and feel terribly sick.
Have had another fight with my parents last night and at this point I've decided to get married in a magistrate's court with just witnesses. They're putting too much pressure on me for this wedding and I feel it's suppose to be MY happy day. Isn't it?? So i reckon that if I do it this way then everybody is unhappy so at least its fair.
Would like to ask any christians and I don't know if I'll get an answer here, but do you think the Lord will still bless my marriage if I don't get married in a church? I'm not sure and it's kind of stressing me up because I"m very religious and would have liked to get married in a church. What I'm planning to do is not what I want at this point, but its seems to be the best answer. If somebody can answer me on this question I would highly appreciate it.
Thanks everyone, Natie xoxo
I am so glad that you got on medication. I was on Luvox for two years and it worked really well for me. I had to change medications due to heart problems so I am now on Effexor. But I hope that it works as well for you as it did for me. You are right it will take a few weeks to reach its full effect.
I am also sorry about your parents. I was blessed with having an understanding mom so I cant imagine what it must be like to have to live and grow up like that. Your wedding day is YOUR day not your moms or dads and it should be how you want it. If you do decide to get married in a magistrate's court (I am guessing that you are probably in England?) than just make sure that it is something that you are not going to regret. Eloping is ok and is done all the time for financial reasons. You could go to your pastor and seek his advise on the matter. It sounds to me that you need to have an intervention with your parents ASAP. If you are old enuf to get married than they need to see the kind of damage that they are causing to their relationship with you.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.