New and absolutely unable to communicate!

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disfunction_doll
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/25/2006 9:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi all. I'm a 23-year-old female who has suffered from depression since age 13. Although I've never actually seen a doctor and being diagnosed. Which brings me to the main subject of my post - I can't talk to people. I just can't do it. Displays of emotion from others don't bother me, and I have no problem talking friends through their crises - but when it comes to my turn, I just make some stupid joke and say I'm fine. I have a fantastic group of friends... and they have no idea I even suffer from depression, with the exception of my best friend.
 
I know this sounds stupid - I'm reading it back and even I think "that's not much a problem. Just bite the bullet and do it!" to the person who wrote it. But, I swear, it's like a tic. When I'm on my own I'll ring someone for a chat and resolve to just tell them that I'm down and feeling like crap. But when I'm actually faced with another person, I physically can't do it. I'm afraid to go to a doctor in case they refer me to a counselor. I have an actual fear of therapy - the very thought makes me clench up in my stomach. I've tried to ring helplines, and when a real person asks me what the problem is I just choke and put down the phone. I also make jokes all the time. I can't help it - every time someone asks if I'm okay, it's like the joke forms of its own accord and popped out (I do a great Knock knock :) ). I get so frustrated with myself, it's like I can't help it. I come over as a functional, happy person, and since I spend every day inebriated with some kind of substance, I think most of my friends just have me down as a bit of a party animal. Today is my first sober day in two weeks and I've been unable to stop crying all morning. I say I've been depressed since age 13 - it was the worst it's ever been from age 13-16, still there but fairly easy to control from age 16 to the last six months or so. Right now is the worst I've felt since that first really bad period. I'm thinking about suicide more and more lately, and two weeks ago I cut myself for the first time in years. It was only one, small cut, but I thought I was done with that years ago. I don't *think* I'd actually commit suicide - then again, a few weeks ago I didn't think I'd ever cut myself again. I know this isn't going to fix itself, and I need to do something if I want it to change, but the thought of discussing this in depth with someone makes me want to just curl up and expire quietly now... I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone else have this much trouble showing how much pain they're in to other people and, if so, how do you get past it?

Texas Aggie
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 80
   Posted 2/25/2006 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   

I think you have taken a really good first step on showing your feelings by posting on this web-site!!  That takes a lot of bravery to admit how you are feeling.  I know a lot of people have trouble opening up - it makes you feel vulernable and that can be a really scary feeling.  I have asked doctors for antidepressants in the past and they have never suggested I go to counseling. You can always say your not ready for that right now, but you would like to take the first step by getting on some medication.  You might try writing your feelings in a journal first so you can get comfortable with relaying them.  I find this to be very helpful. Or maybe writing a letter to someone really close to you telling them how you feel would be less scary than trying to tell them face to face.

I am so sorry you have a fear of counselors. I have had 2 great therapists - one I am seeing right now.  She is sweet, sympathetic and completely non-judgemental. I always feel so much better after talking to her. A year ago I went through a really bad break-up and couldn't stop crying - I was missing work and wasn't functioning well and she got me through it. I am so much stronger now.

Hang in there!  There are a lot of people on this web-site that are so helpful and sympathetic. I hope it helps.

Shannon


Lumbar post laminectomy syndrome, radiculopathy, spinal stenosis, disc degeneration, otesoporosis, spinal cord stimulator. No accidents - just inherited a bad back.
 
Meds: Effexor, Gabitril, Hydrocodone, Percocet, Ativan, Flexiril (not all at the same time) :)


Rock
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 2/25/2006 8:52 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been depressed  most of my life too.  Altho I have not been cured, I have been greatly helped w/ medication, therapy, and a 12 step program called Emotions Anonymous.
 
I've had several therapists.  All but two were helpful.  (I got rid of the unhelpful ones in a hurry.)
 
You might want to look a some books like Feeling Good by David Burns re: cognitive therapy.
 
I know you want to feel better.  Fight back.  Get some help.  You'll be so much happier.

disfunction_doll
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/26/2006 3:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much, guys. I really do want to do something about this - I just feel so weak telling anyone. I know it's ridiculous - especially since I don't think others are weak when they ask for help, so it's kind of arrogant, like implying that I should be subject to different standards of behaviour to everyone else. It makes no sense, yet that's just how it seems in the moment. Thanks for the understanding, though - even telling people I've never met by internet has been kind of a relief, and I may be able to force myself to the doctor's knowing that they're not going to force me to a couch. I had a friend who had dificulty getting antidepressants unless he went for counseling, which is one of the things that put me off. But from what you've said it sounds like that isn't usual so I may give it a try.

Thanks again!

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/26/2006 7:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi disfunction doll,  I wanted to welcome you to healing well forum.  I see that you have already received some very good advice.  I hope that it has helped and that you do continue to come back and post often.  Take care.....

~elisha
 


disfunction_doll
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/26/2006 8:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the welcome, els - I'm pretty sure I will, people here seem very understanding and give good, helpful advice. You may just be stuck with me! :)

Moonflower
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 2/26/2006 6:35 PM (GMT -7)   
welcome to the boards! I am fairly new here as well
 
I used to have the same problem as you. I could never tell anyone if something was wrong, unless they really pestered me into doing it.
 
Something that may help is writing out a basic script for yourself, and practice saying it to yourself. Then next time you call someone up to tell them you feel lousy, you will have something to work from. I guess the opening lines are the hardest...you could try something that's fairly casual, but will prompt them to ask more questions. Like you could try saying "I just don't feel like myself lately." If you don't want to say more than that when they ask, at least you have communicated to them that something isn't quite right. It can be hard to express everything all at once to someone, but you can drop hints and let them know a little bit at a time. Well, that worked the best for me. I hope you'll find it useful....

Sandy C.
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 3/1/2006 6:46 PM (GMT -7)   
I hide behind a smile myself. I have MS and I can tell people all about MS up to being a quad on a ventilator (which Iam not) and dieing from pnemonia ( which I haven't) with a pleasant, matter-of-fact face. People tell em I handle it soo well. I have just reently started responding to that commetn "with no I am really not," but still witha pleasant affect. If Itrusted counslers and want to see one, my insurance doesn't cover it and they dont' want a cash payer even though I have/had the money for it. Counslers may help, never had a good experience with many of the numerous I have been to since 13 (I am 25).

My vice is smoking and pain pills. Not a good combe with MS a chronic degenerative PAINFUL disease that may lead to compromised respiratory system, but eh. I will make it through this addiction and onto anohter. That is my pattern..drugs, sex, shopping, eating, codependency, work a holic, MMORPG gamer...the list goes on. I give up one for the next one. Maybe someday I will be whole...

Sandy C.

Oldtimer
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 208
   Posted 3/2/2006 6:05 AM (GMT -7)   

I noticed above you say you feel weak telling anyone about how you feel. Is it because you feel you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position? After all, you don't know what their reaction will be. Perhaps you're worried you won't be able to control yourself talking about your emotions. Kind of out of control?

I ask this because I've been in that position.

Maybe that's not it and I'm just talking more about myself than about possiblilities for you.

Ed


www.everyday-wisdom.com

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