Hi Beeze, Welcome to Healing Well forum. We are glad to have you and are more than happy in any way that we can.
There are a lot of people here that can sympathize with your situation of the abusive relationship. You mentioned medications but it didn't seem to clear if you are taking an antidepressant now? I also have struggled with depression for most of my adult life, I am 32. However, when I am on medication I tend to stabilize out pretty well. You are taking the right steps in seeking therapy, it can take awhile for you to be able to get to a place for it to feel that it is working. Just think of how long it took for your ex-husband to tear down your self esteem and self image it was probably a long process of years I am guessing here? So be patient with yourself and your therapy and give it some time to work. We all understand Depression very well and are here for you anytime you want to talk or need a shoulder....
Thank you for replying so quickly because I need support so much. I am taking Lexapro right now and my doctor increased the dose due to my increase in symptoms. I feel so much pressure on me because I was hospitalised last year for 2 weeks and I don't want to go there again. My workplace was NOT supportive and so I feel pressure to go to work every day and perform well. I really rely on my therapist but I worry I don't want to dissapoint her.
Beeze, It is good that you are taking an antidepressant. When did he increase the dosage? Most antidepressants will take a few weeks to get to theariputic level in your system but if you were already taking it that shouldnt be an issue. Maybe the Lexapro isnt working for you?
Also, when you mention that you worry about disappointing your therapist, I am not so sure what you mean. Your therapist is supposed to be working for you not you working for her. I know that you mentioned that you were in an abusive past relationship so this is probably where this comes from. This is not a good thing for you if this is the case, maybe you should look into switching to a different one? Or is she aware that you do this? You have to do what you feel comfortable with but this could very well be why it isnt working for you......
I was hoping you would reply. I had a bad day again today. Well I should say that it took everything in me to go to wrok. I wanted to call off but I new I would get crap for calling off. I do feel a little better when I go but it doesn't last. This has beeb the norm for me and on Sunday when I first posted I was in bed for most of the day. I slept over half of the day. I'm worried too because mu concentration is off at work. about your inquiry to my therapist, she is supportive I think it's me projecting that I will disappoint her. I use the analogy of an anorexic who thinks she's obese and actually she is skin and bones, well this is the comparison to me mentally and emotionally. No matter what others say to me that is a compliment or encouragement I don't believe it. I think people are just saying they like me but in reality they don't really. The truth is that I don't like me at ALL. I'm really trying to do things like go out with my friends but I don' feel better.
You mentioned something about my meds and Iv'e taken just about everything. My doctor just recently increased my dosage and I do realize it takes time but I just feel so crappy. I am glad I can talk on this site because like I said others don't think depression is real. I wish people could see my problem to know I am not faking for attention. I am just so frustrated I had to do something so I found this site. Thank you for replying again.
If your doctor just gave you a medication increase or adjustment I would wait a little longer and see if you don't hopefully start to feel better soon. Some of the medications take longer than others but on average it does take weeks for their therapeutic level to be reached. However, if you dont start to feel better soon than do call your doctor and let them know.
I know that you said that you are in therapy, but I was wondering if you have ever thought of going to a support group like at RACC (Rape and Abuse Crisis Center)? Since you were in an abusive marriage and managed to get out of it (which is amazing by the way!) it may help you to meet people, women who are just like you and have the same experiences as you. This may also help greatly with your regular counseling sessions. I understand when you say that it is you projecting what you want her to see and not her but she as a good therapist should be able to see through this by asking questions, and being alert to how you respond. Therapy is not supposed to be easy, like going to lunch with a friend. If it was none of us would need to go.
Anyway, check into the RACC if you are interested there are chapters in most every city but they are well hidden so you may have to do some research for it. We are always here for you for support or if you want to talk.
Beeze, It definiatly isn't right that your ex is allowed to go on with his life so easily while you are left with so many scars.
I am 32 years old, I didn't meet my real father until I was 24. My mom divorced him when I was 3, I didn't have any memories of him. She had me when she was 17, so that was very young. He was very abusive to her while they were married. The first time he ever hit me she left and never went back. To this day she carries the scars that he left. I have managed to have a relationship with him over the last 8 years and he has calmed down a lot with the help of antidepressants and getting /recovering from lung cancer 5 yrs ago. But if I even mention him you can visually see the change in her. So I try very hard not to mention him.
Getting counseling and the right kind after something like what you have been through is so important. I remember that you stated you find yourself not wanting to disappoint your therapist. Perhaps before your next appointment with her you can make a list of things that are bothering you that you think about on a daily basis, and also things that you want to improve during your counseling sessions. Take that list with you and address them. If you cant do this or talk to her openly about it then you most certainly need to change. I wouldn't worry about hurting her feelings at all. Crisis centers have some of the best counselors for women that have been abused. It isn't going to hurt to look at their program and see what they have to offer.
The most important thing to remember is that if you like you than others will too. You don't have to put yourself out there or be confident or self assured all the time. If you believe in your own qualities and what you have to offer no matter if it is at work or personal then everyone else will too.
Beeze, I am so glad that you did see the crisis counselor. These type of counselors are wonderful at working with abuse issues. I hope that you are able to see a difference real soon especially with a change in your medication.
It is so hard to say what is the right thing to do when you are faced with the end of a relationship. Especially after all you have been through. It would seem that he cant emotionally be the kind of man you need him to be if he cant stand up to his ex or soon to be ex in regards to her setting the rules of you visiting him in his home. Also if he has found someone else to be with. I would find it hard to continue a relationship with him or even a friendship at this time. But that decision is always up to you and how much you can handle. Perhaps you are hanging on to him as you feel that he is the only one you feel close to at the moment.
I have also been through this period after my divorce almost 2 years. It was really hard for me to learn to like myself again and learn to trust and be okay with myself. There are lots of people out there to meet and be friends with. Hopefullly someone else will have some suggestions to add here. I am not sure I have been very helpful