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Beeze
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 2/26/2006 2:57 PM (GMT -7)   
redface  Hi
I'm new to forums but I am at my emotional end. I have been struggling with depression for many years (I am 35) and I feel like I can't help myself to improve. I have a fantastic DBT therapist and she helps but it's my automatic negative thoughts that are killing me. No matter what friends and family say to encourage me I feel terrible. I don't believe  I am worth it. My history is coming from a divorced family and an abusive marriage to which I am now divorced from him. With the negative core beliefs and pain my husband put me through I feel hopeless. I feel like a broken record with therapy and medication but I am trying to fight and get any help I can get. I'ts really hard talking to others who don't understand depression because the normal response is to say "stop thinking or feeling that way" I find it really angers me and I get more frustrated. Help.
Beeze
 
 

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/26/2006 3:53 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Beeze,  Welcome to Healing Well forum.  We are glad to have you and are more than happy in any way that we can. 

There are a lot of people here that can sympathize with your situation of the abusive relationship.  You mentioned medications but it didn't seem to clear if you are taking an antidepressant now?  I also have struggled with depression for most of my adult life, I am 32.  However, when I am on medication I tend to stabilize out pretty well.  You are taking the right steps in seeking therapy, it can take awhile for you to be able to get to a place for it to feel that it is working.  Just think of how long it took for your ex-husband to tear down your self esteem and self image it was probably a long process of years I am guessing here?  So be patient with yourself and your therapy and give it some time to work.  We all understand Depression very well and are here for you anytime you want to talk or need a shoulder....


~elisha
 


Beeze
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 2/26/2006 4:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Elisha,

Thank you for replying so quickly because I need support so much. I am taking Lexapro right now and my doctor increased the dose due to my increase in symptoms. I feel so much pressure on me because I was hospitalised last year for 2 weeks and I don't want to go there again. My workplace was NOT supportive and so I feel pressure to go to work every day and perform well. I really rely on my therapist but I worry I don't want to dissapoint her.

Beeze


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/26/2006 4:14 PM (GMT -7)   

Beeze, It is good that you are taking an antidepressant.  When did he increase the dosage?  Most antidepressants will take a few weeks to get to theariputic level in your system but if you were already taking it that shouldnt be an issue.  Maybe the Lexapro isnt working for you?

Also, when you mention that you worry about disappointing your therapist, I am not so sure what you mean.  Your therapist is supposed to be working for you not you working for her.  I know that you mentioned that you were in an abusive past relationship so this is probably where this comes from.  This is not a good thing for you if this is the case, maybe you should look into switching to a different one?  Or is she aware that you do this?  You have to do what you feel comfortable with but this could very well be why it isnt working for you......


~elisha
 


Beeze
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 2/27/2006 4:50 PM (GMT -7)   

Elisha,

I was hoping you would reply. I had a bad day again today. Well I should say that it took everything in me to go to wrok. I wanted to call off but I new I would get crap for calling off. I do feel a little better when I go but it doesn't last. This has beeb the norm for me and on Sunday when I first posted I was in bed for most of the day. I slept over half of the day. I'm worried too because mu concentration is off at work. about your inquiry to my therapist, she is supportive I think it's me projecting that I will disappoint her. I use the analogy of an anorexic who thinks she's obese and actually she is skin and bones, well this is the comparison to me mentally and emotionally. No matter what others say to me that is a compliment or encouragement I don't believe it. I think people are just saying they like me but in reality they don't really. The truth is that  I don't like me at ALL.  I'm really trying to do things like go out with my friends but I don' feel better.

You mentioned something about my meds and Iv'e taken just about everything. My doctor just recently increased my dosage and I do realize it takes time but I just feel so crappy. I am glad I can talk on this site because like I said others don't think depression is real. I wish people could see my problem to know I am not faking for attention. I am just so frustrated I had to do something so I found this site. Thank you for replying again.

Beeze


Sadgirl2
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 110
   Posted 2/27/2006 9:21 PM (GMT -7)   
I am sorry you are having such a tough time. I have a similiar problem with worthless feeling and not being able to accept the good things others say about me. It seems to be a core belief. I don't know if it will ever change. My therapist said me acknowleding it is the first step and then being sensitive to it when it happens. Sometimes it's really hard.

As far as the meds. I have found for myself. If the meds don't start showing some sign of working in the first few days, they never do. I have to switch to something else. You just have to get to know your body and its reactions. If this med doesn't work, don't give up. It's easy to do when you are depressed. Get ahold of the doc or on the next visit talk to him about trying a different med. You will know when you find the right one and it can make a world of difference.

Is there any chance of going on medical leave until your med's kick in. I did that a year ago. I was off for six weeks. I felt bad about taking of, but honestly was not focusing at work and was afraid of the job I would be doing in the state I was in. It did help me. Maybe check out your options. I hope things get better for you soon.
Terri B
 
 


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/28/2006 6:24 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Beeze, 

If your doctor just gave you a medication increase or adjustment I would wait a little longer and see if you don't hopefully start to feel better soon.  Some of the medications take longer than others but on average it does take weeks for their therapeutic level to be reached.  However, if you dont start to feel better soon than do call your doctor and let them know.

I know that you said that you are in therapy, but I was wondering if you have ever thought of going to a support group like at RACC (Rape and Abuse Crisis Center)?  Since you were in an abusive marriage and managed to get out of it (which is amazing by the way!) it may help you to meet people, women who are just like you and have the same experiences as you.  This may also help greatly with your regular counseling sessions.  I understand when you say that it is you projecting what you want her to see and not her but she as a good therapist should be able to see through this by asking questions, and being alert to how you respond.  Therapy is not supposed to be easy, like going to lunch with a friend.   If it was none of us would need to go.

Anyway, check into the RACC if you are interested there are chapters in most every city but they are well hidden so you may have to do some research for it.  We are always here for you for support or if you want to talk.


~elisha
 


Beeze
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/1/2006 6:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm back and I had some disappointing news that my counselor was sick and cancelled our appt.yesterday. I took your advice and contacted a crisis center and they called me back today and got some info about me. Their concern was the confliction of seeing two different therapists and since I'm already using my insurance for one therapist the other would not be covered. I don't have unlimited funds so I don't know what to do. I'm just so frustrated because I can't quit the negative talk in my head. I keep hearing the terrible things my husband said and I believe it. You know they say that people like people with confidence and I lack that so I don't put myself out there. I'm average looking and people say I am a nice sweet girl but is that enough? I'ts hard for me that my ex already has a girlfriend and she lives in our house. What can I say....I feel hopeless.
Beeze

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 3/2/2006 9:15 AM (GMT -7)   

Beeze,  It definiatly isn't right that your ex is allowed to go on with his life so easily while you are left with so many scars.

I am 32 years old,  I didn't meet my real father until I was 24.  My mom divorced him when I was 3, I didn't have any memories of him.    She had me when she was 17, so that was very young. He was very abusive to her while they were married.  The first time he ever hit me she left and never went back.  To this day she carries the scars that he left.  I have managed to have a relationship with him over the last 8 years and he has calmed down a lot with the help of antidepressants and getting /recovering from lung cancer 5 yrs ago.  But if I even mention him you can visually see the change in her.  So I try very hard not to mention him.

Getting counseling and the right kind after something like what you have been through is so important.  I remember that you stated you find yourself not wanting to disappoint your therapist.  Perhaps before your next appointment with her you can make a list of things that are bothering you that you think about on a daily basis, and also things that you want to improve during your counseling sessions.  Take that list with you and address them.  If you cant do this or talk to her openly about it then you most certainly need to change.  I wouldn't worry about hurting her feelings at all.  Crisis centers have some of the best counselors for women that have been abused.  It isn't going to hurt to look at their program and see what they have to offer. 

The most important thing to remember is that if you like you than others will too.  You don't have to put yourself out there or be confident or self assured all the time.  If you believe in your own qualities and what you have to offer no matter if it is at work or personal then everyone else will too.

 


~elisha
 


Beeze
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/18/2006 7:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Elisha,
 
I appreciate the advice you have given me. I met with a crisis counselor for the first time last Monday. I wanted to cancel the appt becasue of conflict with my other therapist but I went anyways. She was very nice and I am going to go back. I fight with this darn depression every day and my weird bad dreams lately aren't helping either. My psychiatrist switched me from lexapro to zoloft. I have dreams of being lost and people dying.  Anyways, I am really sad ( I have cried more the last 2 months than ever in my life) becasue the friend I was sortof seeing for the last year is ending. Please help. We met at work and last January he held my hand while I was in the hospital and in an aftercare program. We had similar interesta and backgrounds with our messed up marriages.  We developed a relationship romantically as well but as the year progressed I could get a feeling this was not a healthy partnership because he carries confidence issues and anger issues and won't talk to someone. Well his wife kept interfering (they were seperated and in the process of a divorce)  but she made rules that I couldn't go to the house HE was living in so I fell out of love with him. Well wev'e been doing this back and forth on/off thing but he has always been the one I could talk to especially lately with my bad depression setback. We would hang out on weekends and on our days off. Well now he is moving on with another girl he likes. I don't see him much anymore and he is about the only one besides my therapist I could confide in. I want to slither away but he says we can still be friends. I am trying to tell him how I feel but I want him to be happy because I am the one who said it wasn't working with us for me. Any suggestions?
 
Beeze

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 3/19/2006 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   

Beeze,  I am so glad that you did see the crisis counselor.  These type of counselors are wonderful at working with abuse issues.   I hope that you are able to see a difference real soon especially with a change in your medication. 

It is so hard to say what is the right thing to do when you are faced with the end of a relationship.  Especially after all you have been through.  It would seem that he cant emotionally be the kind of man you need him to be if he cant stand up to his ex or soon to be ex in regards to her setting the rules of you visiting him in his home.  Also if he has found someone else to be with.  I would find it hard to continue a relationship with him or even a friendship at this time.  But that decision is always up to you and how much you can handle.  Perhaps you are hanging on to him as you feel that he is the only one you feel close to at the moment. 

I have also been through this period after my divorce almost 2 years.  It was really hard for me to learn to like myself again and learn to trust and be okay with myself.  There are lots of people out there to meet and be friends with.  Hopefullly someone else will have some suggestions to add here.  I am not sure I have been very helpful eyes


~elisha
 


Beeze
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/19/2006 1:25 PM (GMT -7)   
I think you hit the nail on the head that I feel even worse because I shared so much with him. So I feel myself holding on for that reason. This just makes me so sad since I have an EXTREMELY difficult time finding friends to begin with. This all goes with my not fitting in issue. I just feel terrible and with everything I have been going through lately it makes me feel even more hopeless. I keep getting conflicting advice on trying to meet someone. I'm not actively looking but would it help me to not think about this other guy. Honestly I am fighting to stay alive. I really wish my parents did not have me. My life has been 98% crap and the rest okay. I feel pathetic talking on a forum about my problems because I don't trust anyone else and I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself for feeling so low to talk to others. Well I guess I have my new counselor tomorrow.
 
Beeze

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 3/20/2006 9:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Please dont feel embarrassed or ashamed for expressing your feelings here, this is a safe place to do it.  You are getting them out and that is the most important thing.   Most of us have felt the what you have described of having difficultly finding friends and being close to someone and fear of being alone.  But this is not a reason to hang on to a relationship or someone who is not good for you in every aspect that you need him to be.  It sounds as if he has to do a lot of work on himself too before he could even begin to be a good support system for you.  But then I dont know him so I could be wrong....

~elisha
 


Sadsong
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 3/20/2006 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Beeze -

Getting over someone that you care about and have confided in is never easy. It can also be hard to make new friends. But, as you mentioned in an earlier post, you are a nice, sweet person and in my book that is more than enough! :) I mean the friends that are still my friends, after several moves, several ex boyfriends, many different careers (all on my part), and major life changes i.e. marriages and kids (on their parts) are still my friends because of their kindness and sweetness, not how attractive they are. That's the beauty of true friendship - it's not based on looks, it's based on how well you treat others.

It also sounds like you are taking the right steps to fight depression (i.e talking with a therapist and taking medication). Not everyone can take those steps, so give yourself some credit. Because, both of those steps take a great deal of courage and strength. So, treat yourself - do something nice for yourself that you wouldn't normally do - even if you don't think you deserve it.

And above all else - keep typing! I know it's helped me immensely.

fleebee
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 3/22/2006 10:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Beeze, I am new here, but I had to reply when I read that you felt foolish for talking on a forum. I can say honestly that reading your posts propmpted me to open up about and reach out for help about my issues. Until then I had been scared, and the positive responses I've already received have already helped me, thanks to you and your courage to seek help by reaching out. Please don't for one moment longer give validity to those negative feelings, you are worth so much more. I posted this elsewhere but 2 books that have helped myself and others i know are "The Blessings Already Are" and"Forgiveness, The Key to Thy Kingdom". I don't know if I am allowed to state the authors, but I bought them from the obvious on-line bookseller. They are very inexpensive when purchased used and can really help open your mind to your inner positive self(whether you believe right now that you have one or not). I hope your having a great day and I wish you the best at work as well :-)
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