different perspectives please please

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busy
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 2/27/2006 2:59 PM (GMT -7)   
hi, not really sure if this is the right place to ask for advice as i dont suffer from depression just the fallout.  im not asking for a medical diagnosis just direction i suppose.  have been married for 13 years to a good man who suffers from depression but am about to throw in the towel because i cant cope with the blame i get.  the blame goes from saying that we never go out as a couple even though i have  made numerous attempts for us to go out etc and when we have it is me who arranged it, to saying that i should take some responsibility for a breakdown he had because i encouraged him to go to the doctors(he insists the tablets caused the breakdown).  when my husband is feeling positive he is the greatest bloke in my eyes but a small trigger sets him off and it then turns out i dont support him, dont hold his hand, dont do this or that. he has started about 10 different courses to improve his qualifications but not finished any of them, but even after everything i wanted to do has been put on hold i dont support.  he has no friends at all and i have looked at ideas with him to try and meet people but theres always an excuse. i will say that i have lost alot of the sympathy and am angry more because he wont do anything about the depression.  he works and functions and according to him that is him dealing with the depression.  we have actually been living apart for a few months and i am about to contact a solicitor.  even a friend who suffers from depression has spoken with him but it has made no difference at all.......his attitude is that his depression will always be there and there is nothing he can do about it, will not even speak to a doctor about going on meds as he is insistant they caused the breakdown.  (he even insisted that when the issues around seroxat came about that that answered all his questions.    they caused his breakdown, and even though i told him he hadnt been on them he wouldnt accept that until the doctor checked his records and confirmed what i had said)  though i still believe in his own mind he still blames them and that me and the doc were wrong.  almost it justifies the breakdown   not sure really what i want to hear just peoples thoughts really ......thanks

Red09
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 2/27/2006 3:07 PM (GMT -7)   
All I can suggest is, don't give up on him. If he was suffering from Cancer, or some other disease, you wouldn't leave, right? Well, his depression is another kind of illness and he may need you to MAKE him get into therapy. Tough love I guess...

He can't see things the way you can, his mind is negative and I'm sure he's completely terrified too! And ofcourse, him being male, I'm sure he isn't one to openly talk about how he feels on a good day, so add as well.

He needs therapy to fix himself and probably medication too. If you have to go with him to the DR's, then do that too.

Please google Depression Fallout. There is some good information to help you out as you are the one who isn't suffering from depression, but it does affect you.

Good luck and please, keep posting. Many people here are so helpful! You're not alone in this!


busy
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 2/27/2006 4:20 PM (GMT -7)   

red09, i know this my sound really silly but i did check your suggestion and found a really good site already.  believe it or not i have been researching depression for a few years trying to understand to help my husband but had never found the depression fallout forum so i thank you immensly for that reply. 

saying that i would still love to hear other peoples perspectives on this, thanks


Red09
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 2/27/2006 5:02 PM (GMT -7)   
That's great! That other site is just helpful for spouses who are with a depressed partner...Afew of my friends have been on it due to their SO being depressed.

I'm glad that you're researching and learning about D. This has to just as hard on you as it is him.

I suffer from an anxiety disorder, not depression (Though I know I suffer abit from SAD in the winter) and my husband has been there for me all along the way. He hasn't gone online to find out about what he can do to help me or learn about it, so I have to say I think the effort you're putting in is awesome.


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/28/2006 6:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Busy,  Welcome to Healing Well forum.  We are glad to help in any way we can. 
 
It is very difficult to be married to someone with depression who wont get help and denies that he even has it.  That must be very stressful for you.  You said that he had a breakdown, was he put in the hospital for this? or given a different diagnosis than depression?  You could be dealing with something much more complex than depression especially if he has had a "breakdown" as you describe it.  I agree that he does more than likely need medications, but as you know you cant force it on him.  Isolation from friends, denial, and anger can all be a part of it.  Pointing out to him the negative is not going to make it any better or encourage him to seek help.  I would suggest that you sit down and talk to him and tell him your feelings that you are seeking a divorce if he doesn't get medication and counseling for this.  You are already living apart so it may not make much of an impact on him.  I don't know hopefully someone will have some good insight and advice for you.
~elisha
 


busy
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 2/28/2006 7:40 AM (GMT -7)   

thanks for the replies,

the breakdown was 5 years ago and he attempted suicide twice (though each one was really a call for help and drink unduced), he has been told by gps he suffers from depression and i believe he suffers from dysthymia?, the breakdown came at a very stressful time he changed jobs and couldnt cope.   he wont go on meds because he says they are what caused the breakdown, i actually feel that a lot of the problem is that i have helped too much if that is possible, im the one who has come up with ideas for college or suggested places he might go to make friends.  i just feel so frustrated that he wont deal with the d, in his words it will never go away.  for me its not the fact that he has d its the blame i get and yes i know that could be part of the d but that doesnt help.  you mentioned it could be something else what could that be, re hospital the doctor wouldnt section him but advised him to go to hospital, at the time we went got onto the ward and he walked out and refused to stay.

all these thoughts are really helpful

 


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/28/2006 8:25 AM (GMT -7)   

It is hard to tell but it could be a borderline personality disorder by the way you describe it.  I am not a doctor and dont know him but here is a link for you to look at and see if it sounds familiar to you.....

http://www.stanford.edu/~corelli/borderline.html


~elisha
 


busy
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 2/28/2006 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   

hiya guys,

got some really good advice from you all and thanks to you guys i have found a forum that is really helping already.  but can anyone explain something to me, i have researched depression over the past few years and as much as i have read the signs and symptoms and read a number of books they dont seem to hardly touch on the real symptoms, reading the other forums it has become apparent that blame by someone who is depressed is common, on either themselves or so, that becoming self centered is not unusual, would not having the full knowledge help everyone involved in this illness.......................

 


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 3/1/2006 5:51 AM (GMT -7)   

busy,  Yes I agree with what you are saying in regards to depression.  However, you do have to remember that each of us who are depressed have either went through a traumatic event in our lives, have had a bad home life/upbringing, or really just have a chemical in-balance in the brain.  To break it down in such a way would be impossible, as everyone of us feels depression and reacts to it in a different way.  This is why the psychiatric field has a randomized diagnostic system in determining depression.  Most of us do have much of the same symptoms of isolation, crying, irrational anger. 

I hope that you continue to find the answers that you are looking for.  You are always more than welcome to come here and seek any kind of help or ask questions.  We will help in anyway we can.....


~elisha
 

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