Man advice needed

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els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 3/31/2006 3:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,  I have something that has really been bothering me the last few days.  Well....If I want to be honest about it I have been bothered about it for months now.  It is just that I am the QUEEN of denial and ignoring things that I dont want to face.  So, maybe you all could be kind enuf to give me some advice here.  I have this guy that I have been seeing for a while.  He has Bipolar Disorder and takes medications for it but he seems to have NO impulse control what so ever.  That I can handle as I am used to working with mental illnesses and he is extremely high functioning but I cant help but have these thoughts that I would like to have a relationship with someone who can take care of me for a change instead of the other way around.  Does that sound selfish?  It is like we go out to dinner and I always pay, or I go pick him up and he doesn't show or put forth any effort in this relationship what so ever.  For the last three days he has called me on my cell and I haven't picked up, I know that is such a female thing to do but I just cant handle dealing with him right now.  And I think I may be hanging on to this relationship as I have cut myself off from all my other friends since my divorce a year and half ago and he is the only one I talk too.  Is this bad?  I know I need to get out and find some new friends but I dont have the energy or even really want to.....what do you guys think....???
~elisha~ 
 
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Sadsong
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 3/31/2006 3:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Elisha -
 
It sounds like you've been trying to determine whether or not to stay in your current relationship for a while.  I mean there is nothing wrong with wanting to be taking care of and being able to count on someone who you care about.  (I think those are some of the main reasons why we start relationships in the first place.)  The one question that jumps out to me is have you talked to him about how you feel?  I mean if it really bothers you to pay for dinner all the time, have you told him that you would like him to pick up the tab at least half the time?  Or that you feel like you're being taken for granted and let him know what you need out of a relationship?  I realize that those types of conversations are never easy, but you'll get your answer pretty quick.  (If he doesn't acknowledge there's a problem or doesn't want to talk about it - then you can decide if the relationship is worth the effort on your part or not.) 
 
To me, it sounds like you are in need of something more than what he can provide.  It also sounds like you've already made up your mind, but really don't want to walk away...  What I've always found helpful in similar situations is to draw up a list of pros and cons - weight the benefits of the relationship against the benefits of striking out on your own again.
 
On a more personal note, since I was in a very similar situation a few weeks ago - I can tell you that once I got out of the initial heartbreak of losing someone I cared deeply about - I am now so much happier without him than I had been when we were together.  I'm going to start volunteering and have started contacting my friends again and am planning on going hiking this weekend.  I think it is never healthy to shut yourself off from others that care about you, but a lot of us do it from time to time.  (But, you already know that!)  :)  Use both your heart and your mind when making your decision.  
 
I wish you the best of luck during this difficult time.  

Rianna
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 366
   Posted 3/31/2006 4:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I can relate to what you are going through. Sometimes, what we really need to do..instead of trying to change the other person (as that rarely works) is change in ourselves these inner needs that attracts these type of people to us. As soon as we address why we need to have this in our lives and change these patterns, these type of people will go to someone else who is not healthy. I hope I am making sense. I kept attracting men in my life who did not respect me and were verbally abusive. I found a wonderful self help book called "The verbally abused woman" and found out that this is a type of need within me that I am used to. We attract people in our lives that we had growing up, such as siblings, parents, teachers, friends, etc. I am used to it, because my early childhood..that is all I knew and was used to by my Alcoholic Mother. I tended to cling to these type of people, because there was a need within me..to change them..to make them better..but what I was really trying to do..was to change my mother. I hope I am making sense. What is it within you..that makes you want to hang on to this relationship? Is it fear of being alone or feeling incomplete without someone in your life? Is it because taking care of someone makes you feel better about yourself? These are tough questions, but they are great questions to think about. I know that I invited many a "damaged" man into my life, because of the need to take care of them and fix them..however, it never worked. The reason I think I did that, was it made me feel superior to them which made me feel better about myself. I know that sounds awful, but I had to be true to myself and accept that as my flaw and work on it. I have never been in a very healthy relationship..and I have decided I need to fix what is wrong with me on the inside..and why I bring unhealthy men into my life. I feel I have come a long way..but still have a long way to go. Maybe we can all help each other figure this out. Most of the men I have dated are usually poor, and I end up having to pay as well, and I need to find out what is inside of me that does not want better...or that I feel I may not be loveable or worthy or perhaps someone might not want me anymore, if I refuse to pay for them. There is a great book called "Co-dependent no more"..I read it once..and think I may pull it out and read it again.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/1/2006 9:55 AM (GMT -7)   

Oh see Rianna,  I wasn't even half way through your post and was thinking of "co-dependant".  I always have this need or thought that I have to take care of others and ignore myself in the process. 

I dont feel like I have to have a guy or always be in a relationship just to be in one.  I really am most happier on my own.  I almost think that I haven't broken things off with this guy because I am worried of hurting him in some way and upsetting his mental status.  But my just feeling this way to begin with isn't fair to him and is hurting him also.  But then again perhaps I am giving myself way too much credit and he would be fine.  Who knows, it could happen.

I have talked to him the money thing and feeling like he takes me for granted.  But it is almost like I will talk to him one day about it and the next week we are right back to the same situation.  I can really lay the blame for that at my feet as I keep falling for it.  What is it everyone says "shame me once, blame on you, shame me twice, blame on me."  Well whatever, something like that I know.....

I tried your suggestion Sadsong about the pro and con list....good idea by the way.  I ended up with 11 things on the cons and 1 thing on the pro.....so I guess he has to go...

Thanks for the advice...sometimes its good just to talk or write it out...


~elisha~ 
 
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Sadsong
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 4/1/2006 1:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Elisha -

You deserve to be happy. If you think you'd be happier on your own then in your current relationship, then by all means break it off, especially if it's a 1:10 ratio. No one should be in a relationship in which their needs are not being met. I also understand your reluctancy in not wanting to hurting his feelings. (I felt the same way before my ex and I broke up.) But, please put yourself first. Since, you are the only person you can always depend on.

Cheers -

blue lagoon
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/3/2006 9:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Ah ha now my chance to help(maybe).  Lets take the bi-polar label out of the equation.  Now ask yourself if this gentlemen did not pay for dinner, did not contribute to he relationship, did not provide you with a shoulder to lean on when you are in need of one to 'cry' or just rest on would you still be with him?  I hope your answer is no.
I don't know you well, but from your correspondance you seem to be someone who is very caring and wanting to help others and 'make things better', it sounds like with this relationship you are taking yrou work home with you.
I am one to talk because I hate conflict, but have you discussed these things with your fella?  Unfortunately guys and gals are not mind readers.  If he doesn't know what is bothering you than he can't work on fixing it.  If he does know and he chooses not to change his ways, then I am afraid it is time for you to decide whether you are satisfied or whether it is time to move on.
 
Remember you deserve to be happy, and there is someone out there for you.  Relationships are give and take, not just take, take , take.
Hope this helps.  Take Care
Blue lagoon

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/3/2006 11:26 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you Blue that is very nice.  I really dont have a problem with him having Bipolar Disorder. After all it is just a "label" as is Depression PTSD or any other.  Once you get down to the fact of the matter is the behavior and I wonder if mine is any better than his at times.....

I am sad to say that I still have yet to figure out what I am "going to do" so to speak.  I am still not answering my cell and he has left about a dozen or so voice mail messages (talk about persistent huh?).  I think I am just at the point where I dont want to deal with it at all.  I know I have to at some point.  Really, I cant leave my cell phone off forever....can I?

 


~elisha~ 
 
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Sadsong
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 4/3/2006 3:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Elisha -

I've found that it's usually much harder to follow your own good advice than others, but I think the following words of wisdow will ring true. (I've copied and pasted them from some of your other posts that you have so kindly sent me.)

1) You have to do what is best for you so if he is upsetting you tell him, if his behavior is bothering you tell him. Tell him what you expect and desire in a relationship this will tell you if he is willing to continue with the relationship in the manner that you need it if he tries to change. Hopefully he will...

2) I would just keep reiterating to him how his behavior is effecting you and making you feel.

and finally, the real kicker

3) He very obviously does not deserve you in anyway.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/4/2006 9:21 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you Sadsong,  You are such a sweetheart!!  Your right it is easy to give advice and so hard to follow your own and what you know to be true.  So instead of acting like a spoiled child like I have been, I turned back on my phone (5 more VM's) and gave him a call this morning.....then all my bravery ended eyes .  Instead of telling him that I didnt want to see him anymore like I intended to, I just demoted him to "sort of dating status".  What is wrong with me!! 

Okay, okay...clear head, clear thoughts... I did lay some ground rules basically with him and restated my problems that I do have with him and this "relationship".  He seemed to be listening but when your on the phone it is hard to tell, ya know?  And of course I am not perfect in anyway what so ever (he doesnt need to know that does he?) I guess I am willing to leave it where it is at for the moment and see how it progresses. 

I dont know....I maybe back on here with the same thread next week......


~elisha~ 
 
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Sadsong
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 4/4/2006 2:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Elisha -

You did a wonderfully brave thing by calling him. So, give yourself some credit. :) I can only imagine the internal struggle that you were going through once he came on the line. I can completely relate. There is something inside of me that says "I'm not suppose to hurt people", so as soon as any sort of confrontation arises, my mind shuts down, I can't communicate my true feelings and instead of saying what I mean, I say something "much less demanding" for fear of hurting the other person. Perhaps you experience something similar, since it sounds like we both tend to put other people's needs before our own.

It's great that you have set some ground rules. I do hope it works out for you if that is what you want. Now you can sit just back and wait to see what he decides to do.

PS No one is perfect. But, there is no reason to spread that tid bit around! :)

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/4/2006 2:37 PM (GMT -7)   

Sadsong - Thank you,  It is good to know I am not alone in so many way..... :-)    take care...sis

(((hugs)))


~elisha~ 
 
ways to help support healing well:
 
 

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