Boyfriend Just Wants to Be Friends

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Beeze
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 4/16/2006 6:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi again,
 
I haven't written in a while but I feel pretty bad. The last time we spoke I talked about this guy I thought I liked but I looked at his faults and problems dismissing the important gifts he has given me ;friendship, safety, security, tenderness, intimacy, company, laughter just to name a few. Well now that  I realized all of these things I confronted him and now hw just wants to be "friends" This coming from someone who liked me for over a year. I feel absolutely hopeless. I dismissed him two times and had two abortions with him. My life is so ****ed up I don't know what is worth it. I let the feelings and opinions of others cloud my feelings for him and now it is too late. Once again I am completely alone. My family is a mess and I don't really have friends I can talk to. My best friend in the world was this man. Yes I have a counselor but I see her biweekly and I feel better only after I see her and it only lasts that day. I have tried therapy to the hill and have taken just about every antidepressant and I'm still that lonely girl like whan I was little. Why should I continue? I had something great with this guy and I discarded it. How do people go on when they feel like life is just pain and suffering? 
 
Please help me
Beeze  

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/16/2006 6:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Beeze,  Welcome back....Is this the same guy that let his soon to be ex-wife make rules as to his relationship with you?  Such as if you could come over to his house.  Also, is he the same one who has another girlfriend at the moment?  It sounds as if you have have been through a lot with this man.  Not to mention a few traumatic experiences with the termination of pregnancies.  If I remember correctly you were married before you hooked up with this man and your husband was extremely abusive to you...am I correct here?  It is normal when your coming out of a relationship such as you were in with you ex husband to latch or cling on to the next man who treats you semi decent.  I think I also remember you posting that you didn't really give yourself time to heal and be on your own after your divorce before you got involved in this next relationship, right?  Are you still seeing the crisis counselor?  I know I am asking a bunch of questions but I want to make sure that I am getting it right or have all the information. 



 ~elisha~ 

ways to help support healing well:

http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=437927

Post Edited (els) : 4/16/2006 8:00:42 AM (GMT-6)


Beeze
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 4/16/2006 7:02 AM (GMT -7)   
So where does this leave me now? I hear what you are saying but people aren't perfect. Are you hinting that he isn't the most balanced person. I guess the thingis he knows me better than anybody. Iv'e been able to share thoughts with him I have never told others. I'm scared someone else won't accept me. My mom wants me to date and I really do want to find someone for me. My WHOLE life I have been alone and I HATE it.

Beeze

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/16/2006 7:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Breeze, I am not hinting anything, I am just asking if I have the correct information to go on based on what you have stated in past posts.  Of course people aren't perfect, no one is.  Why do you think someone else wont except you?  Is is because of what you have been through?  If you really want to get back together with this guy then have you told him this? or talked to him about it?  You have to do what is best for you not what your mom wants you to do.  I have a close relationship with my mom too and she sounds like mine....LOL! :-)    You think you will be happy with someone, but can you be happy with yourself? 

 ~elisha~ 

ways to help support healing well:

http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=437927


Beeze
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 4/16/2006 7:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Well I did see the crisis counselor a few times but she said that because of ethical reasons I had to tellmy other therapist I was seeing her too. The crisis counselors' opinion that ti collaborate would be the best and she didn't want to counterproduct the currnet therapy. I could not take the risk of losing Lisa ( my DBT therapist) if she knew I sought help elsewhere. I don't know what I would do without her. She only sees a handful of patients due to her job and so I feel honored she agreed to see me in the first place. The crisis counselor said she probably would not drop me like a hotpotatoe but I'm scared she may think I don't like her therapy. Incidentally she knows about the terminations and about his wife. Oh we are both officially divorced now. I feel confused because how can I trust my feelings? I understand what you are saying about his inability to speak up but he has other valuable attributes. This is where I am lost in trusting myself. I made a two decisions to terminate two pregnancies and I'm afraid I won't get another chance. I think at the time I am making a wise mind decision but in afterthought I think "what did I do?" This happens alot to me. This is why I feel so terrible.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/16/2006 7:29 AM (GMT -7)   

I understand, and those decisions that you made I am sure were the best for you at the time.  Most women feel guilt afterward and for a long time.  You have to find a place in your mind and heart to keep that and know that it was the best decision as hard as it is. 

As for the relationship, if you still are talking to him as friends or whatever, I dont know what to say.  I have always been the type of person when I decided that it was over then it was over and there was no going back.  If he is willing to work it out with you then great give it a try.  If not then you have to work on moving on.  There just is nothing else you can do.  What I was meaning to say before was if you find happiness with yourself, inner peace, and I know trust me that it is so difficult to find.  Then you will exude so much confidence and will draw men to you, you wont be alone for long.  But you will not be able to have a lasting, happy relationship unless you fix yourself first.  You sound like a beautiful, kind and caring person I dont see why any one or one hundred men wouldn't want to be with you.

 

 


 ~elisha~ 

ways to help support healing well:

http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=437927


Beeze
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 4/16/2006 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
In regards to telling him how I feel, I put all of the cards on the table, so to speak. Now he feels confused but I get hints that he still cares for me. A bunch of friends went out last week to a dance club and he called me before we met and asked me not search out another guy. Now does that give me hope I ask myself? I am a very private person and I can tell him just about anything. Oh and I am glad you are close with your mother but I am not with mine. She is probably 90% of my problems. She went through hardships growing up and endured a child die of S.I.D.S. and a divorce but she is an unstable woman. She has outbursts over a galss of spilled milk. Unlike her I am attempting to treat my depression: she just denies it and blames others. I can't confide in her unfortunately.
In regards to other men, I am not naive to tell someone all of my problems especially about my depression, I am scared I won't be accepted. It's ironic to me because my family and friends tell me how fun and interesting and attractive I am but noone talks to me or hits on me. So I think I'm not pretty enough or cool enough for someone to get to know. I'm sorry if this sounds shallow but that's another negative belief my mom implanted into my head. I have to look good at all times and say the right things. My inner self/soul was not nourished at all growing up by either parent. They only accepted me when I excelled in sports or went to my prom. My dad couldn't take my depression. He would get angry because he wanted me to go out and have fun and date..... I did the best I could and it wasn't good enough.

Beeze

Beeze
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 4/16/2006 7:37 AM (GMT -7)   
I sincerely appreciate all of your kind words and advice. I really needed someone to talk to and I am so thankful you replied so quickly. You must talk to many and I guess why would you lie to me, you don't even know me . What do you think about my counselor situation. Iv'e had other tell me people see more than one counselor at a time but it seems like the second is a marital one. I really like the crisis counselor too so what is your thought?

Beeze

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/16/2006 7:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I am sorry that was how your childhood was and your relationship with your mom is not good.  I didnt have a good childhood either it was extremely abusive, with therapy I have for the most part been able to move past it.
No Breeze, I wont lie to you about anything.  I completely endorse crisis counseling especially for women who have abusive pasts.  But they are right you cant see two at the same time it is a conflict of interest.  So you will have to pick one and stick with it.

 ~elisha~ 

ways to help support healing well:

http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=437927

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