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lucy99
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/19/2006 9:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Everyone!
 
First, I would like to thank you guys for all being here. Everyone is so supportive and I am learning so much from this entire site.
 
My question today is about two very important people in my life who suffer from depression. My boyfriend had only minor depression after the death of his father and my horseback riding coach is right now going though a major dark time.
 
I was wondering if you guys can suggest to me what I can say to them to help them through this and also what I shouldn't say.  I have learned alot by just reading everyone's responses on here by what the supporters say to the one in need.
 
My coach is the difficult one for me. When he talks to me, I just feel so useless. I don't know what to say to him. His depression deals with inner demons way bigger than I can even imagine. He helps me with (what seems like now) my miniscule problems in my life and has been a huge influence in my life and my outlook on things.
 
This morning he opened up to me more than he ever has. Here is basically what I said to him:
 
I first told him how he is such a great friend to me and appreciate everything that he has done for me. That he has turned around my life and I am such a better person now because of him. I told him that he helps so many people around him and that he is allowed to feel this way.  I told him that I wish I could be the friend to him that he is to me in regards to helping through hard emotional times. I told him that I will listen and will do anything for him that he needs to help him through this.
 
He appreciated me saying all that to him (and he knows how hard it would have been for me to say all that cause I have openness issues of my own!). But when I got off the phone with him I just cried. He ALWAYS knows exactly what to say to me when I have problems, but I can't do the same for him. He really is alone in this. I have him, but when he needs someone, there is no one.
 
Thanks for any help you guys can give me, I'm lost.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/19/2006 11:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi lucy99,  I wanted to welcome you to Healing Well forum.  I seems like you have a good relationship with your coach.  I am sure that your care and concern means a lot to him.  What I would ask is depending on how old you are, is your coach maybe holding back some of his feelings due to boundary issues or perhaps he doesn't feel comfortable expressing his feelings.  Why do you say "His depression deals with inner demons way bigger than I can even imagine" ?  Does he seem that he is tormented by something or depressed all the time?  In the end all you can really do is be a good friend to him and suggest counseling, maybe an antidepressant would help.  Please do let us know how things go....

 ~elisha~ 

ways to help support healing well:

http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=437927


lucy99
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/19/2006 11:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh, sorry, about the inner demons. He had a very very bad childhood involving physical and emotional abuse and neglect. I'm dont think he is tormented, and he is not depressed all the time, he is just on a major down swing. There is no boundary issues, as we are friends first. (and I am 28!)

I just wanted to vent a bit, and possibly get some advice about what to say.

Thanks for the quick response and warm welcome els!

brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 4/19/2006 1:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lucy,
Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing, just acknowledge and listen, and allow yourself to follow the emotions and feelings he may show, with that, any words that may be needed will follow, though if you find it hard to follow the emotions and feelings he show's, then just keep with the first two, Acknowledge and Listen
I think the fact that you are there for him, is the most important thing,

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/19/2006 2:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the clarification Lucy...just you never really do know and it is so hard to say or speculate without the full picture.  I do believe that brownleaf is correct and just letting him know that your there for him...has most likely made all the difference in the world to him.
 
 


 ~elisha~ 

ways to help support healing well:

http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=437927

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