How much more can 1 person take

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ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 4/28/2006 9:29 AM (GMT -7)   
rant rant rave rave
Someday I am going to be able to post something very positive on here...but until then
Ok,within the last 2 weeks I have had 6 job interviews. I walked out of most of them feeling very positive.But have not heard back.
I had an interview today,it went well I think. Is not much pay but it is getting my foot in the door somewhere.
I am just to the point to where I do not know what to do. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Struggling hard with my personal demons right now,and my self worth is down the tubes.
I am trying so very hard every day to keep my head up,trying to be positive. Still trying to "day dream" of better times but I get so low and it is so hard for me to pull my self back up again.
My kids are living their lives without me in them every day and that tears me up inside. I have panic attacks everytime I think about them. I see them often but just the whole idea that their dad has full custody tears me apart. This is not the way my life was supposed to turn out. I was the one that was going to beat all odds. I was until 3 years ago,and it just seems that once my life started spiraling down it just keeps spiraling. I remember when I felt like I was on top of the world as far as being a mom and my job. I do not think I will ever be able to feel that way again.
My daughter is graduating in May. She asked for her baby pictures so she could go through them. Last night I found out that her step mother is making her a picture slide show for graduation. HELLO!!!!!! I am the one that took those pictures,I am her mother I should be the one doing that!
I have no ill feelings towards her step mother. In fact I feel sorry for her.Hell she is married to my ex-husband,I do not know how she does it. Plus she got stuck with 2 teenage kids. She treats them very well. But I just feel out of place.
I never realized how feeling out of place in your life could bring you down.
I do not pay any bills here right now. So I do not feel like this is my home. I am so insecure that I question how much my b/f loves me.Which is stupid as he is the one that asked me to move in. He takes care of me. He is wanting to buy a house so we have a nice place to live. We talk about the future together all of the time. He is great to my kids. Paid for an 8 day trip to Florida for the 4 of us. He surprised me with the trip on Valentines day. What more could I ask for?
I keep thinking that once I get a job then everything will be ok. Well,I am afraid that I am giving getting a job way to much credit. That I am going to be very disappointed to find that it does not solve all of my problems.
My family is in chaos. They have not spoken for several years. I do not have a relationship with my Grandparents,Aunts and Uncles..ect. I send them Bday cards and Christmas cards but never receive anything back. I even wrote one of my Uncles a letter a few months back and basically begged him to forgive my mom. But never heard a word back. It is just as though I do not exist.
I just looked up and realized how long this post it. So many ill feelings,I feel like I am wasting so much space within my self feeling so low.
shynsassy@healingwell.net


Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 4/28/2006 4:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shy,
Rant and Rave all you like, it's good for you,
Im sure you're going to write something positive here someday, but can i remind you that you have already, must be something in what you write, i always read them,

Do what you can, when you can, you're right that getting a job is not going to solve all your problems, and placing to much hope in your interviews won't help either, once the interview is over, let it go, you're either going to get the job or not and setting yourself up for the rise or fall is not going to make any difference to the outcome,

What you are feeling about your Kids has got to be a very difficult thing to deal with, i can only say that you are in their lives, it may not be as you would like, but I am sure your kids know you love them, and know you are the one that brought them into this world, i doubt the spirit between Mother and Child can ever be broken, a connection will always exist.

As hard as it may be, i think you have to give in to your Daughters request for her baby Photo's, Just make sure you throw in a few with you in them,

Worthless, i doubt that, you had some time out from HW a while ago, and i for one wondered where you were, so you're not worthless, make yourself a list of all you feel bad about, and over a few days add the opposite and positive possibilities, keep adding the positive, you may even want to add the percieved consequenses, of each one, I know this helped me a great deal,

You're a good person Shy, and i really believe there is something great for you, at least to me that stands out

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 4/28/2006 4:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Brownleaf
You always have the most encouraging words,and I Thank you so much for that. This site has been a great blessing more than I would ever be able to tell.
I wanted you all to be the 2nd to know(had to tell the b/f first,hey he is footing the bills ;) ) that today I did receive that one phone call about a job. I start monday.
It is not what I was hoping for,pay,job duties ect. But it is a job and it has been a long and hard struggle that is for sure. I am not sure what I am going to do with the extra money that I usually spend on stamps sending out my resume!! Hmmmm a new pair of shoes?
I thought I would be more happy. But I have been so down that I am not sure if I am in shock,and do not know how to react,or just not sure if it is true.
My best friend is moving to New York tomorrow. Her going away party is tonight in my home town which is a couple hours away. All week I kept saying that I did not want to go. And then I just decided today that I was not going.... put my foot down,that is that.
I know I should be there,but I think I am afraid of going down the deep end harder than what I am.
I made up an excuse (I hate lying!!) And she made me promise to spending a whole week with her this summer. Which was fine. I think that I will be more enjoyable this summer. She is getting married ect,so I do not want to be a downer.
So.... life is a highway and I am gonna ride it all night long....
shynsassy@healingwell.net


Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 4/28/2006 5:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Good on you Shy, don't worry to much that you are'nt excited, it will wear off anyway in a week or so, maybe see it as part of the plan, one step thats gone well on the highway, much better anyway just to be pleased,
I use to think money and the excitement of a high stress job was wonderful, until things went bad, made me realise how unimportant these things are, and how they mess with your overall life, though i have to admit that i applied for a very well paid, and stressful bank job this week, but its only a 4 month contract, so think i can indulge myself a little,

but really, i try now to balance my life, work is work, have to do it, but my life, my happiness is outside of that, and i try not to bother to much if im bored or earning little, because i know when i come home i can if i choose do something that is my life, is somewhere in my dreams of the future i want, and its that future that i went through all my stuff for, couldn't see it in the middle of it, but now everyday it clears more and more, i turned my anger into something that could perhaps make a difference, my hurt into understanding, my fear into an awareness of each step, and thats what the list did for me,

Go buy yourself a new pair of shoes, and hey why not go and treat yourself to an Aromatherapy massage too,

Have a great weekend Shy

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/28/2006 7:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shy,  Congratulations on your new job!!!  That is fabolous.  You have worked so hard that I too agree with bl that you deserve a new pair of shoes.  tongue   Hugs


james73
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 4/30/2006 7:34 PM (GMT -7)   
congrats on the new job hope all goes well...
When you get that first pay..try going out for a pedicure ,sounds silly but little things like that help make you feel better about one's self
j

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/1/2006 5:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there.
I am up an hour early,and will probably be ready an hour early!
I was not able to fall asleep until 2am as I was having major anxiety.
But it will be fine.
I am not sure about the pedicure James,I freak out when anyone gets near my feet because they are so tickilish..dumb huh? Haha.
Plus I have so many past due bills that my reward for that paycheck is going to be writing checks to other people.
But,at least I will be doing that!
Thank you all for your kind words!
shynsassy@healingwell.net


Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Post Edited (ShynSassy) : 5/1/2006 8:10:10 AM (GMT-6)


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/1/2006 5:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Shy,  Good luck with your new job....have a wonderful day.... tongue


Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 5/1/2006 8:05 AM (GMT -7)   
shy congrats on your new job, good luck and best wishes :)
                                                     To be or not to Be


brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 5/1/2006 1:49 PM (GMT -7)   
hi Shy, will be sending you good thoughts and hope you return home after work, happy with a success for this first day at work. good luck

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/2/2006 5:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there
Just a little update. I have been thrown into a complete state of chaos! They should have hired an office administrator a month ago. It is a new clinic that is set to open tomorrow. They did not even have any of the patients forms until today. I am not even sure if we have all the forms..the computers do not have interent access yet,the long distance does not work,the fax machine does not work. The gal that I work with is a hearing specialist and has never ran an office before,so I am sure I completely overwhelmed her with my list of things that have to be done right away. I basically just told her what the list was,and then asked for help with a couple of things,but just threw myself into the pile. By the next time I looked at the clock it was time to go home!
I felt like I had been run over by a semi last night and was dead tired. Ha,that is what I get for not working for almost 2 years.
I think I did really well with the panic attacks that were coming on. I had anxiety all day,but I think it was normal anxiety as I know we have to get these things done right away.
Whew!
shynsassy@healingwell.net


Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 5/2/2006 1:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shy
What a way to start a job, and i think a good way, i think by the time you get all this sorted you will feel comfortable with the others and also know exactly what you have to do in your job, that i am sure will help you a great deal, sounds like there will be a few more days like this, but i think this job will help you gain some confidence, and i think you will do well, i'll be hoping it all goes well for you at least
have a great day Shy

karen in north idaho
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 5/2/2006 11:25 PM (GMT -7)   
shynsassy,
You sound like a really fun person!! I enjoyed these few posts I just read! You sound more sassy than shy! I hope you are feeling "up"! It seems we can't be up all the time, but I bet people in your life enjoy all sides of your personality! Maybe your a little "spicey", too!
karen in north idaho

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/3/2006 5:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen it is nice to meet you!
I am feeling very up. It was nice to come home last night feeling great about the next day.I have not had that feeling for a long time.
Brownleaf you are right. Since it is a brand new office I am the one that is making up the rules as I go persay.So it is nice to step back and look around and see all of my hard work pay off.
We see our first patient today,so I hope it goes smooth and they think we have it together.
When I came home last night my boyfriend was picking things up around the house from his day,and had his dishes put away and had already went to the store. He has been so spoiled for the last 1 1/2 about not having to do any of that,so I was kind of worried that I would have alot to do when I got home. But he is stepping up to the plate which is awesome. Now I feel bad for doubting him!
shynsassy@healingwell.net


Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/3/2006 11:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shy,  I am so glad that things are going so good for you with the job.  It always feels empowering to have purpose and responsibility, well for me at least.  And with it being brand new and you coming in and making up rules as you go gives you ownership in your position and makes your feel more secure in what your doing.  You can be proud of yourself and what you accomplish there each day.  tongue


Freeloader
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 5/3/2006 12:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shy, Good luck on your new job.  I am disabled now and unable to work.  Although i'm in cronic pain, with my depression it's nice not having the stress of having to work.  My depression is not dibilatating as it use to be before I started some new medication, (Remeron and serequel (spelling - I can't find spell check on this thing)) but some of the depression is still there.  I enjoied reading your story.  Keep us updated.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/3/2006 4:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you everyone.
Els you are so right. I needed to have purpose and responsibility..keeping the house clean and the laundry done was just not enough. It is nice to come home and be tired because I was working not because I am bored.
Freeloader I can not find the spell check either,I thought it was on here.... hmmm my brain is mush tonight so who knows.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

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