To those already on meds for depression....

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Lynds
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 5/6/2006 1:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone
 
This is my first post so please bare with me.
 
My boyfriend is depressed but refuses to get help, he admits how low he feels..can't see the point of being here etc but will not tell his doctor. His mum passed away about 3 years ago but family problems means he now keeps in touch with no other relatives. He finds it almost impossible to trust anyone, thinks everyone will leave him in the end anyway (including me) keeps secrets for no reason and has mood swings which can turn very angry.
 
I used to take it personally, but I know I need to be strong and put my needs to one side for the time being. Helping him is my main priority right now.
 
This week he is really pushing me away but don't know whether he's just testing if I'll really always be there for him. So, I don't know whether to give him space. At the moment I'm just giving him quick phone calls, but it's just chit chat. All the things we talked about before he just says 'does it really, really matter ?'
 
I just wondered when others were feeling so low, how did you have the get up and go to ask your doc for help, or in time do you just get to the point where you know you're unwell?
 
Any help would be much appreciated, I'm such a know it all usually hehe but this has me stumped!
 
Take care, Lyndsey x
 
 

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/6/2006 8:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lyndsey,  Welcome to Healing Well forum.  Ya know I really have to give everyone credit who is in a relationship with someone who is depressed.  It is possibly one of the hardest things to put someone through on both sides.  And you especially for caring and trying to figure out how to help it wonderful.
I am just like your boyfriend when I am depressed or even in a bad mood.  I just want to be left alone, wont talk to anyone.  Very good at pushing people away from me.  I am on medication but every once in a while I still get this feeling and close off for a few days or a week or so.  I have had periods where I was not on medication and I just remember those times as my depressive state escalating to a point where I constantly had thoughts of hurting myself, crying all the time and anger.  The anger was mostly due to my inability to discuss or let out past hurts and it just builds up and eventually erupts if you don't deal with them.
I am sure that your boyfriends anger has nothing whatsoever to do with you but at the same time don't let the situation become abusive towards you.  Someone who is depressed know what they are doing and saying.  I would suggest to keep pushing that he speak to his doctor about it or see a therapist.  It is possible that he is so angry because of what has occurred with his family and his mom passing away.  Other than this there really isn't too much you can do besides be as supportive as possible.
Hopefully other members will post to give you different perspectives here.  I hope you do continue to post as we would like to hear more from you.  Take care and do let us know how it turns out.


Lynds
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 5/6/2006 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply,
 
A couple of things you mentioned already helped me ... good to hear it from someone who knows too, not a leaflet or doctor.
 
- Someone who is depressed knows what they are doing and saying.
 
That I could never decide, does he know what he's saying is so wrong. He says he does know what he's doing when he shouts and knows it's wrong, but can't stop til he's done then he regrets it and feels guilty. I'm quite thick skinned but tried to look more upset than I was to make him realise. But he gets more angry with himself for making me cry and it makes things worse. He then puts himself down and it's so hard being the reassuring one when you've just been called names or accused of something bad.
 
don't let the situation become abusive towards you
 
That's what I worry about most. I promised I'd never stay with anyone who doesn't treat me with respect. I grew up in a happy family home, he grew up in a broken home and I think he battles between missing and hating his late mum. Would I take this from someone who should know better, being depressed is not an excuse to mistreat your loved ones surely.
 
I don't expect there to be an overnight fix for this, but getting support from here is already making me feel positive.
 
Many thanks
 
Lyndsey x
 
'We all have a cross to bare, it's how we carry it that counts'


sick of meds
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 118
   Posted 5/6/2006 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
     Hi ,I,m very sorry to hear that your boyfriend is very depressed now ,give him some time after all he,s been through enough all ready .I know I been there myself .Well ,welcome to HW and I hope you get the information that you need to help your boy friend ,take care and God Bless.

      sick of meds


Lynds
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 5/6/2006 9:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks alot,

Coming on here has made me realise this is not going away overnight.

Hope none of my Q's sound ignorant but is depression like alcoholism, will you always suffer from it/ be prone to it but you have it under control ...or can you get rid of it completely with the right help?

Lyndsey x
'We all have a cross to bare, it's how we carry it that counts'


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/6/2006 12:08 PM (GMT -7)   

Lyndsey, none of your questions are in anyway bothersome or ignorant.  So don't worry about asking anything at all...we are always happy to help.

Depression it really depends upon what type he has if indeed it is depression is the cause.  There is Situational Depression caused by temporary stressors in life and with short term medication therapy most are able to recover.  Then there is Major Depression which is a long term usually a life time illness.  You also have what is called Bipolar Depression which is a bit more complicated but the person has drastic mood swings between extreme highs and lows.

I have major depression and have had it for as long as I can remember I'm 32 yrs old.  Mine I believe is centered around trauma from childhood.  But with the proper medication depression is treatable and manageable.

As for your boyfriend and his anger I read your other post regarding his childhood.  Perhaps, he honestly doesn't understand that the way he talks to you is abusive.  And considering the way he was brought up it seems that he would carry alot of anger and hurt around with him.  I can understand that and my heart goes out to you both.  I would maybe suggest picking a time when he isnt angry or upset and sitting him down and talking to him about this and the way the outbursts makes you feel.  He needs to be aware of his actions and that this behavior is not acceptable to you.  Also, regardless of his past I wouldn't recommend staying in a relationship that becomes abusive.  No matter how much you may want to help him.  Here is a really good website on depression if you want to take a look at it....

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depression.cfm



 

Post Edited (els) : 5/6/2006 1:20:26 PM (GMT-6)


Lynds
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 5/6/2006 1:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your reply, I found the link to the website really useful.
 
At first I thought I'd read posts on here and think...oh no its obviously not depression he's suffering but it's like it's my boyfriend writing about himself !!
 
It's true that some people may be unaware that their behaviour towards others is not the 'norm' if that's all they have known from childhood. But as you said about not staying in an abusive relationship, there is a fine line between being supportive to someone and letting them be cruel to you 'just' because they can't control it. It's good to be reminded of that.
 
It's so obvious to me that you shouldn't raise your voice to a loved one, make them afraid of you or disrespect them ....because that's how I was brought up. Alot of the bad views he has of his late mum seem to have spilled over to all women. He's a very jealous and insecure person (and yet so so loving) and I thought because I'm kind to him and always faithful how could he find fault.... but his imagination is on permenant overdrive. I do find myself being conscious of everything I'm doing in case it can be read the wrong way.  
 
I'm less emotional and don't take it as personally now I've joined the forum, it's been a great help.
 
Thanks
 
Lyndsey x


'We all have a cross to bare, it's how we carry it that counts'


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/7/2006 4:25 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so glad it has helped for you Lyndsey.  I was raised in an abusive environment, my stepfather was extremely abusive to my brother and me.  My mom worked alot back then and was unhappy in her marriage and spent alot of time away from home.  So she didn't know what was going on and if we had bruises it was always because we were clumsy or fell.  I was 11 and my brother was 7 yrs old when they divorced, we never saw him again after that. 
 
I have been in a few relationships that were abusive both physically and verbally.  I always knew it was wrong and never stuck in them very long after they did turn abusive.  I am not sure if it is because I always had the resolve not to live my life like I grew up.  I never really examined my behavior for that reason to closely.  I weight very carefully what impact my words may have on someone else.  No matter if I am talking to them in person or on here. 
 
My little brother on the other hand is completely different.  He is one of the sweetest people you would ever want to know.  But sometimes he can be very violent.  He will go into these rages of screaming and yelling, name calling, and even hits.  He is physically & verbally abusive to his girlfriends.  Jealous, insecure and very controlling also.  Just something in there he can not control and it triggers when he is angry.  He knows it is wrong and feels sorry for it on one hand but then on the other he always kind of feels justified in his actions. 
 
I guess it just shows it is differant for everyone....


 


CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 7/22/2006 5:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lyndsey,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm right there with you -- as Atedogs and Els pointed out to me, very similar situations. I'll be here if you want to let anything out. -- Don't know that I'll have much wisdom (!), but I can do the ear thing... .

All best,
Rosie

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 7/22/2006 5:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi again. -- What I just said goes for Shannon (iara) too -- just saw your reply to one of Lyndsey's posts.

Kris44
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 7/23/2006 12:12 AM (GMT -7)   
eyes  Hi Linds, all I can say is hang in there and be support of him as long as it's not changing you or dragging you down. In one of your earlier posts you asked if It was like an alcholic, I wanted to ask you if he drank at all, because your cituation sounds all to firmiliar to me. I'm not saying he's not depressed about his mother and past unresolved issues, but trust me alcholics and major depressive people are one and the same. I'm just worried about you, when I found myself getting depressed over my ex boyfriends depression or problems, I was like why am I the one getting the help and not you. I'm not saying he's an alcholic like mine, but if you new mine, he says he's not depressed or drinks to muchl. Denial is a powerful fall back. If he's not a drinker, just try to get him to counseling, offer to go with him. maybe that will help. Just know that you can only help them if they admit they have a problem, and don't let it turn into yours. Take care of yourself. lol,Krista

Joan M
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1972
   Posted 7/23/2006 3:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I landed up with chronic major depression but I don't think it's at all like alcoholism. I am very productive and keep a very pleasant facade up. I try not to "dump" on others. However, I am lucky because I am quite intelligent and also creative.

I think it might depend on how bad his problem is and his attitude toward it. If it is situational, it will sort of drift off. He really needs to see a professional and get a diagnosis. A word of caution here sometimes a doctor is not a good match for a particular patient and it might be necessary to find someone else.

Please don't worry unduly it is a chemical problem with brain and not a scarey type of thing.
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