argghhhh!!!help please!!!!

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james73
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 5/9/2006 7:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Has  anyone ever in a deepened depressed state put your thoughts down on paper??And if so when you emmerged from this state read it and wonder what you were thinking??The reason I ask is my spouse is currrently in one of these states and rote some pretty nasty and hurtful feelings down on paper and threw them at me to read.
I have always told her to get the fellings out as I know it helps to do that.But should I take them all serious or with a grain of salt.
There has been alot going on in our lives  as of late and I can see her getting overwhelmed ,and me being a big dummy of a husband put my foot in mouth today ,that sent her over the edge
I tried talking to her ll evening with next to no luck ,till about an hour ago when she put her "happy face "on and said it was just her ...I know the happy face and its her fake one all is not right with her and I just dont know what to do anymore ...the littlest things set her off or bother her..sorry for the rant ,I know it helps me to write things down or I can easily fall into depression ,and i really dont want to go back there 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 5/10/2006 7:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi James,
i write everything down, but i love to write, poems, stories, songs, and of course what ever is bothering me,
i would suggest your Lady is expressing her thoughts, and they are not neccesary what she is really feeling, a though is just a thought, and thousands go through our mind every day, some good some bad, and in those there are many associations which arn't corrrect, we all have some negative thoughts about those we love at times, and your Lady has focused on a few of them, it doesnt mean she doesnt love you, or thats what she really thinks, she's feeling low and you are close to her so you will get some of the blame as it is a part of human nature to blame those close to us, just dont add to the problem, stand back when you need to, but be there for her when she needs you
i hope this helps

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/10/2006 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi james,  I was wondering if your wife normally communicates with you about her feelings honestly or to a level that you believe to be honest?  I dont mean to be nosey here, but I know in my marriage I had built up a lot of anger and hostility toward my husband and got to the point where I wouldnt even talk to him about my thoughts and feelings anymore.  We pretty much just co-existed together in our house until I couldnt take it and had to move out.  I was pretty depressed at the time and on an antidepressant which wasnt helping much.  If I had been willing to go to a marriage counselor at the time it most likely could of saved our marriage but I refused.  I just felt to overwhelmed.  Its hard to explain. 

It just doesnt seem right that she would say something hurtful to you on paper in a fit of anger or really depressed state then turn around and almost say never mind I didnt mean it.  Or pretend it didnt happen and nothings wrong.



 


Annabanana
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 5/10/2006 12:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi James
i ve suffered depression for 14 years and recently lost my mother which was a double dose of depression lately. As a person with depression I will isolate myself at times, but total isolation is not good.
My husband tried to give me space but it was too much space, i needed him close and he was trying to help by letting me be. I know he feels like he walks on eggshells at times, i try to be open and honest with him.
I guess from my perspective is ......dont let her push you too far away , deep down it is not probably what she wants. I also tend to shy away from anger and confrontation, and go off by myself and have my quietness. I should write like your wife does, i think that is good.I probably would not take everything to heart that she throws at you, sometimes our anger is rolled into one ball and thrown at the person we love the most.
strength in your struggle........Ann

james73
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 5/11/2006 7:27 PM (GMT -7)   
brownleaf,I know she loves me ,and yeah I stand back for sure when required ,but always check in on her to see if she wants to talk, just to let her know I am still here,she just seems to be down more lately ,gets tough at times.
els ,thats pretty much how I feel lately,I think she has the hostility thing going at me but in a few days she could be the very best and it will be as if nothing ever happened.You are so right about pretending she never said it comment its not fair ....but I gotto live with it ..i am 32 and feel like I am an old man at times dealng with all of lifes curves here .
Ann,Iknow she is pushing me away and not realizing that she is doing it and I dont usually let myself get to far away but sometimes I ask myself if its all worth it or not ..so far it has been.You should for sure write your thoughts down but dont share them all with your husband ,some of the stuff I read i wish I didnt but its to late to dwell on that...tommorow is a new day ,I live one day at a time ,that way stress doesnt get me ....that being said thankyou all for your kind wordsand I hope you all have a good day

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


mysts
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 5/16/2006 1:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi James!

From what I read about your description about her, she sounds like she has BPD. But this is from my point of view only. I'm no expert.
I said so coz that's exactly what I did to my fiance. I didn't realize what I did was pushing him away. Sometimes I know what I was doing is wrong but I can't seem to help it. I can be angel at one minute and appear to be his perfect woman but suddenly i can turn into a really heartless demon and torment his feelings. He said I really make him crazy. Seems like he cannot do anything right. But now I know and I'm trying hard to fight the devil inside me - my BPD!
I love him and I want to change. But really, it's hard!! well, I hate myself for hurting him over and over and I want to stop doing that. When the feelings are overwhelming, yes I could say or do anything that I would regret later and feel guilty and then depressed for doing so. What makes me motivated to keep trying harder is the support from my fiance. To see him enduring the torment I gave him really touch me. If he can stand my illness for our love, why can't I learn to be better with my illness for our love too?
:: Chronic Major Depression :: BPD ::


mysts
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 5/16/2006 1:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh yes! I do write my feelings down when I'm depressed, angry, etc. And yes, my words are nasty and hurtful but so far I managed to keep all the writings to myself coz sometimes I feel better after I write or I scare to show him what I wrote.
:: Chronic Major Depression :: BPD ::


james73
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 5/16/2006 6:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks,cryptictears...she suffers from depression /anxiety....but I tend to agree with you on the bipolar ...from everything I read anyways but like you I am not an expert by any means.
Yoyr situation sounds just like mine except i am married with child.It is very difficult at times,now for example .she went to bed at 8 pm .I gave up trying to wake her or keep her up easier to let her sleep off the negative mood .
One suggestion for you ,you said you want to be a better person for your relationship my advice to you is the same I give my wife
"Take one day at a time ,live each day for the day and to the fullest"....oh yeah and don't worry about tommorow its not here till then .
I know they sound silly but its what gets me thru all the time and works for me and when my wife goes by those quotes she usually has good days too.
I have one question for anyone out there who may know the answer ....my wife realizes she has problems ,takes meds ,doesnt think they are right ones ,she doesnt even think she is diagnosed correct so my question is who do you see for proper identification of illness..family doctor(just a pill pusher in our case )a psychologist or a pshchiatrist she desperatly wants to talk to soomeone but who do we go to ??????

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


mysts
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 5/17/2006 11:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your advice James. Really appreciate it. I like the last line - tomorrow is not here till then.

Again James, like me, I know I have problem, took meds but stopped taking it as i think they never help and thinking of trying other meds, and thought the doctor just put Chronic major depression and Borderline personality disorder to make their work easy. Sometimes I think I have no illness. it's just me. it's just my sucks bad attitude (my fiancee once said it to me). Is it??

As for your Q, I suggest a counsellor. You said she needs someone to talk to right. I see my psychiatrist for prescription and a counsellor to talk with my feelings and thoughts. At first I go to a doctor. then he reffered me to a psychiatrist. Then the psychiatrist get me a counsellor. But I don't know how it's done at your place. Good Luck!!

-Jane-
:: Chronic Major Depression :: BPD ::


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/18/2006 3:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi James,  If your insurance carrier requires you to have a referral to a specialist then you have to go through your primary care physician to see a Psychiatrist.  If you don't need a referral then find a Psychiatrist for her to start going to in lew of her PCP.  This is really the type of doctor that should be prescribing any kind of psychiatric medications and doing her follow up care with them.  They can also assess her for Bipolar Disorder and other related disorders.  It could be as simple as her just not being on the right antidepressant for her and if she is continuing to have problems this really needs to be assessed before it spins too far out of control.  Most Psychiatrists who are in private practice also employ certified counselors that she can also see as needed between appointments with her Psychiatrist if that is deemed necessary.


 


Oldtimer
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 208
   Posted 5/18/2006 4:20 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi James,

Years ago, I got therapy and it helped. From what you say, I think that would be a good alternative. My only concern would be that there are good therapists and bad therapists. I was lucky (I got the name from the phone book).

For me, trying to design a better future helps. I know what you're saying about one day at a time. I like to have something to work towards. That just me.

Best of luck.

Ed


james73
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 5/23/2006 6:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Jane ,thanks for the input ,and whem my betterhalf misses her meds she is evil ...but she too hates taking them till she stops ...another bad day for me here ....walking on eggshells and I think I crushed them all tonight !!
ELS..thanks that is what we will have to do ...really soon !!
Ed, I take the one day at a time approach for my own sanity ...my wife is like you plans everything out as far down the road she can..
Again thanks for all the input folks

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/24/2006 8:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh James,  I feel for you...and truly hope things better real soon.  I know when I am depressed no one can do anything right, and I especially take things the most hardest upon myself.  Hang in there and we are always here for you....


 


james73
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 5/25/2006 7:09 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks els,

she actually went to a pschologist had some cognetive counselling ,she made an appointment with family doc and is gonna get her to refer her to a psychiatrist for proper diagnosis and meds..things are looking up I hope  !!! 


God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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