Depression or what??? I don't know...

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 962
   Posted 5/12/2006 12:26 AM (GMT -6)   
I have always been somewhat quick tempered... But lately it has been pretty extreme. I have been under a ton of pressure and I know that before I was diagnosed with Crohns that I could have dealt with it easily. With the time I spend fighting my disease and trying to find the right mix of medications to make me feel okay I feel that the other things are getting pushed to the side. I have been working hard at my job, going to grad school for an MBA to get out of my job, I own a house, just bought a new car, I am putting my wife through her masters degree. I am only 26 and I have been supporting a household for four years on my own. Not to mention that I have pretty severe crohns disease. Sometimes I feel like I am going to snap.
I get angry quickly at work. Very quickly. It probably doesnt help that my boss is a jerk and has tried to get me to leave- being a federal employee he cannot fire me because of my illness or abscences. But he has tried getting me to leave on my own, and has made some pretty lame attempts. He actually tried to get me to take a 50% pay cut after my surgery and told me that they might have to 'reassign me to something worse' - I just wish I had a tape recorder at the time.
I have had violent thoughts, a lot of them lately. Not to do violence to myself, but to others. I have had these in past mind you and have never acted on them. I am starting to consider it though. Sometimes I get crazy mad and smash things to get it out of my system and then I will have a calm or down feeling for a while.
I have also thought about ruining my bosses life. He has made me feel like such crap in the past two years that I think I should take my frustration out on him. He has been less than supportive when it comes to my illness and it drives me nuts that some pile of crap like him can have his health and not me.
I have done the talk therapy thing before, it doesn't work when you know you are justified in your anger. I am just wondering if this is something that is common in depression, or is it something more serious? I don't want to do something that will put me in jail or a nuthouse. My wife is a psychologist in the making. She knows nothing about this because I manage to hide most of it from her. I don't want my wife and my family to think I am crazy.
If any of you have this sort of problem could you talk to me about it. I need advice on what I should do.
"History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid"
 Gen. Eisenhower

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 5/12/2006 1:05 AM (GMT -6)   
D-Rule-You story sounds much like mine. While my stresses were different, the outcome was much the same. It took a long time for me to realize that I was suffering with depression and needed help. It took more than talk therapy for me too. It took several different attemps at finding the right medicaiton and dosage for me to find relief from the anger I was feeling. I too have severe CD and know the difficulties associated with trying to find relief from attacks. I found that for myself, the anger was never justified but a defense mechanism to help shelter me emotionally from feeling a victim of this DD. It took alot of hard work and time for me to realize that I can live despite this DD and am not defined by it. Good luck and hope you find the answers you are looking for soon.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.


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Dx'd with Crohn's at age 12. Symptoms since age 5.

Learning to live with this Disease rather than be its victim after 40 years.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 962
   Posted 5/16/2006 10:25 PM (GMT -6)   

Ive been trying to think of exactly how to respond to that Randy. I appreciate the advice, I just don't think that is me.

I am not so sure that my anger isn't justified. I am just worried about it getting out of control. My situation at work really sucks and I am stuck because I have to have the job for health insurance. You see, I get these episodes of extreme anger that is directed at a person or purpose. I have a very short fuse and absolutely no tolerance for BS. I am staying home from work this week, I think it would be best. I am going to ask my doctor about the anger issue.

I am really worried that it might be more than just anger or depression. It is scary when I get mad these days. I freak out my co-workers and most people in the general area I think. I don't want to have a psychotic episode and strangle someone that gets on my nerves. Being a former military marksman who is also proficient in Ju-jitsu and likes to study medieval weaponry makes me a little more dangerous than the average joe too.  I need something to mellow me out before I can go back to my job.

My home life is cool. My wife is great and we rarely ever have an argument, unless it is over who gets the remote! My friends know I have a temper and stuff, but they rarely see any of 'that' guy. I keep it under wraps pretty well for friends and family. When I get into a fight with a family member I usually just 'shut down' - the anger never really comes out on them, which is a good thing.

Anyways, thanks for your input. If you still think your situation is the same as mine let me know. I would appreciate any other opinions on this before I get to see my doctor.


"History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid"
 Gen. Eisenhower

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 5/17/2006 9:00 AM (GMT -6)   
i have never personally had to deal with this issue... i've been subconciously angry about someone before and have had dreams about fighting them but that's about the extent of it... My therapist has this theory called 'Rackets'... Generally a person tends to feel mad, sad, or scared to cover up for the other emotion they wish to express least... Most of the time for men it tends to be mad covering up for scared... Anyway, You might want to explore that... But You need to realize that You have every right to be angry, sad, and scared altogether... You're not feeling sorry for Yourself... Life dealt You a crapty card but the sooner You realize that You have the right to be mad, sad, and scared, the sooner You can deal with Your problems and try to move on... i highly reccommend finding a therapist that You are comfortable with... It may take awhile to find the right one but even if one meeting a week doesn't help solve anything, it still is nice to talk to someone that understands or at least tries to understand... Saves Ya from a possible snap from one week to the next... Good luck...

New Member

Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/17/2006 3:47 PM (GMT -6)   
look I know little about this so feel free to reject what I say

I think you are right to be concerned. However the fact that your friends and family don't see your anger means you still have control of it. Life has delt you a bad hand, your boss is a crap but you don't have to respond in a way that brings you down to his level. I don't know if this would work but I was told that when you have to deal with somone who be-littles you, picture them in a rediculus situation like having to have the loo seat surgically removed because they sat on wet glue. If you picture it in advance it's easy to call up when you need it. but be careful not to laugh in their face as that could cause other problems.

All the best.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 962
   Posted 5/17/2006 4:45 PM (GMT -6)   

I don't think I could control my laughter though. I can barely control my urge to punch him in the nose.
"History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid"
 Gen. Eisenhower

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 7055
   Posted 5/17/2006 5:02 PM (GMT -6)   
D, you need to print out your first two posts on this thread and do two things with them. First, allow your wife to read them. You need a support system that knows EXACTLY what is going on in your head. She loves you and from what you have said about her, will want to help you with this. She undoubtedly has noticed a change in your moods and behavior. She will not think you are crazy, she will be concerned for the man she loves and want to support you however you need her to.

Second, take the print out to your doctor and have him/her read them. You probably need medication, perhaps just temporarily, to cope with all the wide range of emotions you are having. There is no shame in admitting what you have told us, it will get you on the path to getting help. The absolutely worse thing you could do is NOT ask for help. The situation at work sounds horrible and you could really jeoparodize your employment now and in the future if you do snap.

Please know that I care about you. I have seen a big difference in your posts in the past year. You have struggled with lots of issues. It is not cowardly or unmanly to ask for help with this. Please reach out...--Ides
CD, Ankylosing Spondylitis, peripheral neuropathy
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