The problem with parents

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Frem
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/14/2006 2:02 PM (GMT -7)   
This is the first time I have spoken about this to anyone outside my family and partner in the 16 years at least I have felt like this. I am now 28 years old with two beautiful children aged 4 months and 19 months. I have a wonderful and supportive partner but the problem stems from my own mother and stepfather.
 
Today's arguement with them has left me sobbing from midday until now. Trying to hide my tears from my children, making me feel sick in the stomach and reaffirming my beliefs that you can rely on no own in the world but yourself.
 
My parents split when I was 12, following my fathers affair. A father I idolised, still do now and have a very positive relationship with. However, I believe my mother still holds great resentment towards him and also does not speak to her two sisters. Her two best friends have stopped spekaing with her since she has been with her partner Julian. Also Juilians own 2 children, who are roughly my own age, have not spoken to him in 7 years. Therfore I am starting to believe the problem may be with them.
 
Todays row stemed from them phoning me up to say I can now not stay in their house whilst I am having some major work done on my house as they are having some plumbing done. I was supposed to go a week today. I had planned to stay with them for months and they know that there is nowhere else for me and the children to stay. They simply say this is my problem not there's. They know we have already paid a £2,000 deposit on the works. when My partner and I phoned to recify mum said we were making her feel guilty and hung up. When i tried to call back, my stepfather would not allow me to speak to my mother at all. This follws a fantastic week we had when she came to visit. However, Julian has said she came back misrable. However, when we left her at the station yesterday whe was on great form.
 
However, throughout my whole adult life she has been in and out. We fell out over an unsuitable boyfriend the year before university and when she saw me in a bar on the night I got my exam results they all ignored me. She would not sign my consent forms to go to college until my grandparents had to force her. Also not let me stay at Christmas on holiday breaks.
 
Despite her lack of help I put myself through college, got a degree and a great job. Fantastic friends and I have always made sure I can do things independently of her. During both of my pregancies we only got talking after my partner mediating only to fall out. I specifically asked that her partner was not called Grandpa they were never together when I was growing up and I believe that is a special title for our natural parents. However, she went against our wishes and still does it. However, she thinks she gave me an idyllic childhood and does not remember all of these things. She belives everyone has wronged her and never takes any responsibilty.
 
Everything I see a letter or e-mail from her I feel anxious. The huge rows happens a couple of times a year. Leading to us not speking for months. I have weeks afterwards crying for no reason and when thinking back, can only remember bad memories of my childhood with her.
 
After speaking with my partner about this today I want to sever all contact with her as her negativity is have a detrimental affect on my life and as my children get older I do not want they to see me like this. The only thing I do beleive my mother has taught me is how not to bring up a family.
 
He belives that is not fair on her as a grand parent but understands my feelings as he sees how upset I get. AS she failed me as a mother I do not want her as a granmother and knwoing she will be in and out of my life, I do not think this is fair on the children. One thing for sure is that I never want anything to do with Julian again. He is a sinister man, he gives off a very bad vibe which lots of people have picked up on.
 
Sorry for such a long message but I would appreciate advice on how to deal will these negative people or whether I should try and overcome years of bitterness and resentment towards her.
 
At the moment she is adding no value
 
x
 
 

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/14/2006 6:13 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Frem,  I wanted to welcome you to Healing Well forum.  We are happy to have you.  I understand problems with family and dysfunction.  However, I have an excellent relationship with my mother so I cant really relate to that extent.  I do struggle with her choice of spouse (her 3rd marriage 2yrs ago) however, she is an adult I have to respect her judgement.  My issues really lay mostly with my father and his live in girlfriend who reminds me of a trucker women and is a pain in everyones behind.  But that is another story for another day.

There was something you said in your post that struck me...that was, that you idolized your father who cheated on your mother and that you believe that she still holds a lot of resentment toward him for that.  Granted if she was cheated on she has every right to be angry with the man who did her wrong.  However, I wonder if she isn't seeing your close relationship with your father as your taking sides against her?  This wouldn't be rational train of thought for a parent, but it seems in your post that you take the break up of your parents marriage as the start or the beginning of the problem with her and your relationship...am I correct here?  No matter when it began the issue remains that there is most definitely a problem.  I wish I could give you some excellent advice to make it all better but that I don't have. 

It really sounds to me as if your mother is insensitive to anyone's feelings other then her own.  And to top that off, her husband feeds off her drama instead of trying to resolve the issue and restore peace among the family.  Most likely this way so he can look like a "big man" in her eyes or maybe he is a bit controlling who knows.  It is extremely difficult to have a relationship with a parent who is like this I know.  Especially, when you are constantly looking for something from them that they just cant or wont give to you that you need emotionally.  I am sorry that you have to go through this.  Know that we do understand and you are more than welcome to post here and vent or seek support at anytime.  We are always here.  Take care ~ Elisha




 

Post Edited (els) : 5/14/2006 7:16:34 PM (GMT-6)


Frem
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/16/2006 1:56 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you for your reply Elisha.

 

I agree with so many of the things you said. I have thought the same thing for many years about her partner feeling the need to be a big man and indeed, I do feel he is a little controlling. I think they are both living in their own little bubble. He has no family of his own since not speaking to his children for 7 years. He was an only child and both of his parents died 25 years ago. They were both only children so there are no aunts and uncles. I therefore I feel that he does not know how to deal with families at all and he is trying to dominate my mother.

 

When she is away from him she is a lot more fun and light hearted and i do beleieve, in time I would like to remedy our relationship. However, I never want to deal with that man again.

One really positive thing has come out of this mess. Yesterday following the explosive agruements. We have had so many people rallying round us, offering places to say, aunts, siblings and friends. My mother in law is actually now going to move in with a friend so we can all stay at ther apartment. Both this and talking to you has really lifted my spirits.

 

I feel quite humbled by the whole experience and realise I must be grateful for having so many positive things in my life. I think for my own sanity I need to remove my mother and partner from my life for the time being.

 

This was the first time I have used a forum like like this and I cannot tell you how much better it has made me feel to speak to someone. I hope I can do the same for someone else.

 

Love

Claire

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/16/2006 7:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Claire,  I am so glad that everything has worked out for you with your living situation at least.  I had never talked to anyone via the internet or used a chat room, message board before healing well.  I have always been quite paranoid of such things but this forum has been a life saver for me.  Everyone here is wonderful, so caring and supportive.  I do hope that you continue to post here as I look forward to hearing more from you...Take care ~ Elisha


 

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