I feel as if I am drowning

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Hopes
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 297
   Posted 5/17/2006 9:34 PM (GMT -7)   
recently i have been having upsetting, recurring dreams-nightmares to me-just dreams to others i'm sure. they are about being rejected and abandoned by my family-brothers, sisters, parents, neices...even my husband. it is a recurring theme in my life.  i am the youngest of six children-not wanted by my siblings-just one more kid to watch as an older brother referred to me a few years back-ignored by most of them-really hated by one of two i think. i'm 42 today. you'd think i'd get over it. i heard one of my sisters had actually wished i would die in the hospital at birth instead of come home. a brother held a pillow over my face at age four and tried to make my fall down the staircase during the same age. i was my father's proverbial 'pet'-well loved and pampered- the biblical "Joseph"-type from the Bible. Oned by my father and hated by my siblings. i actually had an adult friend of the family tell me that when i was in college. i always knew it but did not want to hear it. a different friend of the family told me that he knew my parents well when my mom was pregnant with me and that she did not want me. after all she already had 5 other kids. he said she comtemplated an abortion but couldn't because she was a Christian woman. i'm being haunted by all these horrible memories all of a sudden because of these awful dreams i'm having on a regular basis!!!!! i thought i had put all this crap behind me and moved on sad   i keep having sad and horrible memories that i just can't seem to let go of. i think of them over and over. i can't change them. sad my father loved me 'when i was young' and he thought he could make something important out of me. he was a very mean man with his mouth, his words. he ruled by intimidation and he intended to RULE/CONTROL. he belittled and humiliated with words. he put down and shamed and rejected and threatened! isn't it ironic that he got throat cancer twice and had to have his voicebox removed the second time?  he has an implant and still uses his 'voice' to threaten and belittle and put down-only it is mostly my mom these days. sad i don't know why i am writing this. i don't expect anything to ever change.  i guess that i just need to vent or try to sort through all this sadness so i can go on with my life.......................

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/18/2006 2:50 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Hopes,  I cant imagine coming from a big family like that.  When I grew up it was just my brat little brother and I.  Dreams/nightmares are very tricky to decipher.  Sometimes they mean something and other times they dont.  Perhaps you felt that the issues with your family where behind you as you stated but maybe they aren't.  I can see where your coming from having learned that your mother's religion was the only thing keeping her from terminating her pregnancy.  That would be something horrible to learn I am sure.  My mom was 17 when I was born, I dont even know if she thought about an abortion or not.  But as this point it really doesn't matter.  Plus you got this info second hand, no matter how reliable the person may be.  If it is bothering you to such an extent then ask your mom and try to find out what her state of mind was at the time.  As for your brothers torcher of you and near smothering, the only thing I can say is that kids dont understand the extent to which they can hurt each other.  I cant say if he did it on purpose or not or what he was thinking at the time but my brother and I used to hurt each other all the time not understanding the effect it would have.  I once made him eat a red glass ball Christmas tree ornament, I told him it was an apple.  He had to eat bread for over a week as he had little pieces of glass embedded in his cheeks, I was 7 and he was 3.  He did mean things to me too so dont feel too sorry for him tongue .

I would think you would want to take into account your relationship with your brothers and sisters now.  Also, your relationship with your parents and how it is now.  It does seem apparent to me that you hold some anger toward your dad for being emotionally abusive which is common and reasonable.  Perhaps because he has cancer your having mixed feelings about that.  I dont know, I probably didnt help in the least here and need to go back to bed.... Come and vent all you want to hopes this is what were for ~ Take care ~ Elisha



 


brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 5/18/2006 2:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Hopes,
thats some serious rejection, i feel for you, all i can say is i hope you have found some love elsewhere, i dont know if you have been searching for how your life was a s a child or if your family is telling you this stuff, still, if it is the latter, personally i think they still have resentment issues, sometimes things are best left unknown, discovering this sort of truth can be devastating,
If you are dreaming and having nightmares a lot then may be a good idea just to read up what the reason is why we dream and have nightmares, even see if dream interpretation gives some insight, i found this helpful for me early on, eespecially as i viewed what was in my nightmares as bad and something horrible, in fact it was quite positive, but it took 4-5 years to figure that,
Somehow you have to forgive all this within yourself, not a small task, but finding people who make no judgements, on you, and who exhibit a strong sense of love and compassion, i dont know if you are into faith at all, i use to go to a spiritualist church and im hardly Godly, there was every rejected human condition in that place, all had been pushed out of the other denominations, but here were a group of people who never said a bad word about anyone, who took interest in each other, just an idea,

tarsier
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 5/21/2006 12:14 PM (GMT -7)   

I'm the youngest of six as well, 44, oday my next in line sister is my best friend and room mate I'm leery of the older sibs who regard me with fear as well.  I never hesitate to tell them to mind their own busisness when they try to tell me how to run my life now.  My father who also had throat cancer and speaks esophagally now and I get along well.  I lost my mother in '99 and was the only one who had come to terms with her prior.

 

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