Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/23/2006 10:50:52 AM (GMT-6)
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.
Hi, I am in the same position as the rest of you ladies... My boyfriend and I were amazing friends, closer than either of us ever have been to anyone else, inseparable (through BOTH of our choices), but still with a healthy balance of seeing other friends too... we were insanely happy (again, happier than either of us ever were before we met), truly in love, simply perfect. We laughed the whole time, but were still able to have deep and meaningul conversations. Sounds pretty perfect, eh?
He has had problems for a few years, he first became depressed 2 years ago and since then he lost his father suddenly. He bottled it all up, and didn't grieve at all until half a year later when he was with me (and even then it wasn't that much so I'm sure there's some left inside him). Anyway, he was GENUINELY happy since we got together, really not suffering any effects of depression, his mood was a constant happiness for a month and a half at very least. But after that, he started to get down. He did a few things to me (breaking promises, swearing lies on my life, that kinda thing) which I got over fine, only he didn't. He felt more and more guilty and it was bringing him down on some level, although overall he was still very happy, and was ENTIRELY happy with the relationship. We were immensely close, so he always talked to me about everything he was feeling about it. Then suddenly, one day, he came back from work completely numb emotionally aside from extreme despair. He ended up crying for hours (he's really not the type to cry easily) and said he felt there was no point in life, he really hated himself, etc, and that he felt absolutely nothing for me. I talked him into staying until the next morning, to try and be friends the next day and see how it went. Then, the next morning, somehow we got it all back - he woke up feeling empty still, in fact moreso than the day before, but somehow we ended up laughing and we had the best day of both of our lives together, closer than ever, literally crying with joy and relief that we had it all back after the fear of the night before. He said we'd be together for eternity, we talked about marriage and our future kids. We made amazing plans for the coming weekend, his birthday weekend, and it was all great. Life was wonderful. He wrote himself a letter for the next day, saying how happy he was and how perfect we were, just in case he had another 'crisis' again the next day. He also wrote me a letter, saying "I can't believe it. I can't believe I've gone and done it again! Just after I thought it was impossible, I've gone and got a new best memory!" then lots of "I love you"s. So I'm pretty sure you're getting the message - everything was going well. It was amazing. That night, after he got home from my house, he phoned me and we talked for an hour, as happily as ever. Then we said goodnight and he went to write that letter to me that I mentioned before. Then he phoned me again, as a surprise, to say goodnight again because he loved me so much. Things were wonderful.
The next morning, he woke up feeling nothing. Literally. And he hasn't been the same person since. He broke up with me that day because he felt nothing towards me (or anything else). Ever since, he has been bitter and unkind towards me. Completely cold, and he snaps at everything I say. He treats me like an enemy because he knows I don't want him to pretend there's nothing wrong (which is his usual escape - exactly what he did when he lost his dad, just literally acted like he'd never existed). If I stay around, trying to talk to him lots so we can keep our closeness in case he gets better or gets emotional and needs me, he gets more and more angry with me. In his words, he dislikes me right now. But if I give him the space he wants, he'll do what he always does and pretend there's nothing wrong, hide away, isolate himself and never recover. Plus, from a selfish point of view, what's left between us (cos he still loves me, he's just suppressing it, it's a matter of days since he couldn't stop telling me how much he loves me) would slowly fade away if we stopped talking, if I wasn't there trying to help him. I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart, but he desperately needs guidance (as he admits mostly, he doesn't know what's going on in his head, and he needs somebody to give him advice) and also needs space. There's no way to know how to balance it. He never wants anybody around (and not just cos he's scared of hurting them, he literally prefers solitude atm) so it's not as though I should wait for him to want someone to talk to cos it won't happen. I'm completely lost. So lost. What should I do?
By the way, he's now been diagnosed properly with depression and referred to a psychiatrist, but he thinks he deserves to be ill and doesn't want to accept the help he's being offered (I had to force him to see a doctor and if I keep doing that he'll hate me for good).
Please help me. I love him, and I know he's still in there underneath. You should see the video he made me the really happy day (the day before he went permanently cold) about how he still loved me and how, if he went cold again like he has, he would still love me, even if he wasn't feeling it. I have no idea what to do. I can't lose him. Please help me somebody. Maybe when he's had some help, IF he accepts it, he'll be fine and he'll be himself again. But how do I convince him to accept this help, when he's 100% sure it won't work, and that he deserves to feel this way? And how should I act around him in the meantime, before he's sorted? Because whatever I do is wrong, and he's treating me so cruelly.
Please. Help me. I'm desperate.