So my life started going downhill a decade ago...

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Imploder
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/28/2006 1:45 AM (GMT -7)   
And I'm 19.  That's over half my life I've been depressed.
 
It all started with a forced change of schools from the public schools (where I had plenty of friends) to the snobby catholic school in 4th grade.  It's the typical bully-target story you see in all the movies, except all those targets had friends.  I didn't.  Everybody was a bully around me.  Beatings and humiliation were all commonplace (one specific incident I was knocked out cold, stripped of all my clothes, and urinated on).  My parents were equally useless, joining in the ridicule when I would complain to them about the situation.  I resorted to binge eating, which made me gain weight (that I have yet to get rid of, 10 years later), and increased the ridicule.  I decided I had enough a few years later and had my first suicide attempt.  The neighbors decided to walk in, and I ended up in a hospital.  My parents thought it was just an accident despite me saying "let me die" repeatedly.  
 
Fast forward a year, same old crap, only now everybody was getting into the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing, which was just another thing to ridicule me about.  Rather than just being picked on by the guys, I was picked on by both sides, one side for my lack of athletic ability, my weight, my financial status, and everything else they could think of, and the other side for the same reasons, except replace athleticism with physical appeal. 
 
In 8th grade, I began to grow violent.  Prior, I would respond to all ridicule with fits of bawling.  After being teased endlessly for that, I swallowed my tears and replaced the crying with punches and choking.  The ridicule stopped after people saw I was no longer a carpet, but the total solitude began.  Nobody talked to me for anything.  Nobody asked anything of me, nor did I ask anybody for anything in return.  Any attempt at socializing led to nervous rambling on the part of the other person, followed by an excuse to leave asap.  Throughout the endeavor, my parents began do act differently.  My mother ignored my existence, and my father harshened his ridicule and added pointless labor to the mix (like moving large piles of cinderblocks, only to move them back under punishment of being locked in my room for a weekend with no food).  He eventually stopped the labor when I attacked him out of rage and sent him careening down a flight of stairs.  He was bedridden for 6 months, but he continues to ridicule me daily, citing my existence as reasons to never use thin condoms.
 
9th grade came, and I began to grow more calm.  My violence became something of my fantasies, no longer something to act upon.  I only managed to make one friend that year.  Her name was Jill, and she is the most amazing person I've ever met.  However, back then she was naive, and her friends convinced her I was going to rape her.  After a 4-month long criminal investigation involving police, psycho-analysts, and (illegal?) inhibition-removing drugs, it was concluded I was not a rapist, nor a stalker.  My school (who forced the investigation) refused to believe it, and thus subjected me to 3 years of mental torture.  Changing my grades to lower my GPA, removing all pictures of me out of yearbooks, sending out newsletters to parents saying to keep their children away from me, the whole nine yards.  That was the first time I truly felt completely alone.
 
9 months later, I came into contact with Jill again.  She apologized for believing her former friends and now we're friends again.  However, she's always busy and never around, so I can't really talk to her.
 
Senior year comes and I get my second girlfriend (my first being irrelevent).  Her name was Amy, and she cheated on me the day before SAT testing.  Naturally I did poorly the next day, but luckily I took the test again and doubled my score.  Time goes by, a few people ridiculed me for breaking up with Amy and being cheated on by her, I reacted with my then-usual cocktail of being silent, going home.  It was my only escape.  However, I forced myself to stop before graduation.
 
So I went off to my first year of college, and I met a girl named Katie.  She and I got very close, very quickly, and she was my third girlfriend.  She prevented my social life from being born by taking all my time with incessant crying (which I had to console).  8 months later, I find out she was cheating on me with my only friend, Josh.  Rather than cutting, I resorted to binge-drinking.  Here I am, a month later back at home from school, and it still hurts just as much.  I am truly alone, and it's killing me.  I can no longer sleep regularly.  I've slept maybe 40 hours in the past month.  Everything seems to go wrong, and everything continues to go downhill.  It's rather disappointing to see my life turn out this way.
 
No matter how many times I vent, it never gets better.
 
I am sorry but I had to edit your post do to forum rules and Guidelines of # 1 & 13.  We do have many teenagers and children that post on this site and could become influenced by something that we as adults post.  So please do take care with what you say in the future and read up on the forum rules...Thank You Elisha http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/28/2006 10:43:36 AM (GMT-6)


brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 5/28/2006 3:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ya,
It's hard for me to believe that there are still people and schools out there that ignore what you are experiencing, but you are right there are still many who have no concern other than to uphold a reputation, or a belief,

Thank God you have got to become an adult, where you can make your own choices for your life, and while these choices may be difficult due to the earlier trauma's, you can still make things happen for you in a more positive way.

You say you are disappointed to see your life turn out this way, then, how would you like your life to turn out, can you make some changes now, little steps, towards the life that you want,

You no longer need to be around anyone who causes you to hurt, or keep your self worth down, there are people out there that will accept you for who you are, but you need to find these people, not waste your time and energy on bullies or others who cover their eyes from the truth that lies within you

At 19, you have a lot of time to turn your life around, and i am sure you will, There are many who have done just that, and succeeded in life beyond theirs and others expectation, and oh wouldn't that be like egg on the faces of those who have let you down, turn your hurt into a drive, and make it a great life, you can do it

Imploder
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/28/2006 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Anyway, my ability to get up and leave isn't in the best shape, the car I bought a few years ago with saved up money was totalled in an accident that wasn't my fault (someone going 90 in a back road and ignored a stop sign). In addition, the hunt for summer work has gone fruitless. So I dunno.
 
I wanted my life to be totally different.  Every single aspect of my life is something I can't stand.  My social life, my health, my physical well-being, my intellect, my financial status, my emotional health, my personality, it's all a big mess.

Post Edited (Imploder) : 5/28/2006 12:03:06 PM (GMT-6)


brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 5/28/2006 3:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Imploder, As i wrote, you are at an age where making chnages can happen fast and if you just changed one thing that disappoints you at a time, in a little while your life may have turned right around, i know its easy to want everything to change in one swoop, but sometimes a little change like joining a club that satisfies your interests may kick starts a whole chain of changes

How do you cleean up any mess, ? don't you start with picking something up and putting it the rubbish, then another, until its all tidy, but you cant just wish it away,

whitney17
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/31/2006 5:31 PM (GMT -7)   
 Imploder. Its really sad to hear that you have gotten acused of being a salker/Rapist. That must be such a harsh reputation to have expecialy for sombody our age. I knwo what it feels like to be alone. I have no real friends right now . But in time it will change. Just because i will change it. You should move away from where ever you are once you get the money to move out . And have a fresh start thats what i am going to do . Dont feel like your alone because there is alot of us feeling the same way you are right now. I feel alone all the time. But w.e if you wanna talk to somone around the same age as you . you should e-mail me or somthign at (dont ask) chow. Best of luck      -Whitney
 
Hi Whitney,  I have edited out your personal e-mail address for your own protection.  If you would like for other members to be able to e-mail you then you can add it into your profile by going into Control Panel at the top of the screen in the blue bar then edit your profile.  Thank you - Elisha

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 6/1/2006 7:47:31 AM (GMT-6)

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