in need of a friend!!!

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jodz
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/1/2006 3:38 PM (GMT -7)   
hi guys i am in a bad situation and have no one to talk 2, when i was 17 my parter and i fell pregnant, he was 25 at the time, he left me when he found out and went crazy leading me on threatining me with abortion right untill the 25 weeks, he slept with me and gave me an sti, u would think after gettin a youg girl pregnant he would have used protection whilst i was pregnant, he drank, went on holidays, prague and he went to alot of brothels,telling me at eight months he slept with a girl who was so drunk he had 2 pull her trousers up he has told me things i cant let go of,the thing is i loved him through it all, these things are just the jist of it, i had an exremely horendus labour and birth i would not wish apon anyone, i am glad my babys is here with me now, after that long miserable night in the labour ward, without him.  i was so voulnarable i let him back in our lives when she was born,he left 2 days later went on holiday 2 newyork, all the music festivals, he chated on me when our baby was 3months.we live together now, and he says i have 2 let go and i am nast 4 always bringing it up, i feel crazy, i have changed, things i have wrote, its all just the jist theres alot more, i am sick of being scared, sick of bein lonely, want to make some close friends who can call me when they r down, share problems because i feel so alone thanx 4 readin this guys, if anyones intrested in makin new friends please e-mail 
 
I'm sorry Ive had to edit out your e-mail from your post for your own protection.  If you would like for other members to e-mail you then you can add your address into your profile by going into Control Panel at the top of the screen on the blue bar next to Log Out.  Then select Edit Profile and from there you can add your email which will show up in the bar under your user name each time you post.  Thank you. Elisha

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 6/2/2006 9:48:27 AM (GMT-6)


brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 6/1/2006 5:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jodie,
How old are you now ?, and How is this man treating you now, I mean, apart from saying its nasty to bring up the past, ?.

Why did you need to change, it sounds like he was the one who needed to change, you sound as though you are staying in this relationship because of your fear of being lonely, but its also the cause of your loneliness,

Many Women who have had similar experiences and have taken the risk to begin a new life, over time find that they have more strength and ability in themselves than they ever thought, the fear of the risk always keeps you stuck,
Do you want to be with this Man, if you don't or unsure, "which after all this is the same as you don't" then work towards making a new life for yourself, and of course that is a scary thing if you have no friends that are close and can give you support in this,

There must be other young Mothers and Women who have gone through similar struggles in your community, Always the easiest way to meet people is to go and join up with something, find out whats around, maybe theres a young mothers club or a walking group, or if you like doing something or wanted to learn something, then make the effort now to find out about it,

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 6/1/2006 6:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Jodie,
If you don't love yourself enough to drop this guy, please do it for your child's sake. People like hime seldom ever change. You have to ask yourself if this is what you want to live like for as long as he may hang around. If you put up with such behaviour, your child will grow to think that it is "normal". If your baby is a girl, she'll grow up thinking that all men are like him and so won't expect any better when she's old enough to date. If you have a son, he will grow up thinking that women are to be treated like dirt. It will be a sad vicious cycle. like Brownleaf said, I agree that you should make the effort to find out about others with similar situations as yours. There may be resources out there if you ask around. I know it's scary to make a change, but is it as scary as continuing to live your life like this, especially with a precious child to consider now? Take care and let us know how you do!
janet
I was okay until that flock of bird dogs flew over...


shell67
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 1268
   Posted 6/1/2006 6:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh hun, im so sorry that this is happening to you,  i went through pretty much the same type of situation, and i did stay, and i did do everything i thought i should.....i was 17 also. I am now 38, and i have only been divorced for 4 months. My life was a living hell, and i wasted half of my life on somene that doesnt know how to love and only made me feel so very worthless.  I cant say it was all bad, i have three of the best kids in the world, but i didnt do them any favors either, I was beaten, raped, treated like i was nothing for so long, im still trying to convince myself that im not so bad. I agree with janetlee, if you dont do it for you, do it for your children. My kids were never abused like i was, but they surely didnt have the best childhood, and they deserved alot more. Do NOT let him make you feel bad for bringing up things that have hurt you, you need to be able to talk bout it, in my opinion, with my experience, id say........run, run as fast as you can, you do not deserve to be treated that way, and no one in the world has a right to make you feel this way. You may be lonely for awhile, i know i am, but.......even with the lonely, its better than the alternative. you will get over him, and you will have a much better life without him it sounds like. I hate to say such negative things, but......id also hate to see you waste as much time as i did. Any type of abuse, be it physical or mental, is not worth it. Life is supposed to be happy, and im just afraid if you stay, like i did, you will end up loosing some very good years. If im way off base, im sorry, but.....im just talking from experience. Its hard, its scarey, but....you can do it on your own, if i can anyone can. I have horrible panic attacks, and lots of depression, but since ive been away from him, i can tell you that even with the panic, i feel better. I have a ways to go, but please please think hard about staying with this man, no man is worth loosing yourself for.  I wish you the best, and i hope i havent said to much, but i dont want to see you waste yourself on someone that cant love you like you deserve. We are all special, and we all deserve to be happy. ok  sorry for rambling, its just so near to me that i have to give the advice i wish i had gotten and listened to. We all need friends that will listen, and if youd like, i will email you. I need friends too, although ive made some wonderful ones on here. We are all rooting for ya, god love ya,
HUGS, shell
 
" Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now, in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed."
Eileen Caddy


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 6/2/2006 9:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jodz,  I wanted to welcome you to healing well forum.  We are happy to have you.  I dont have children so I cant really relate in that way with you but I have had a whole lot of bad relationships.  It seems that this guy is not really serious about being in a committed relationship with you and emotionally giving you the things that you require at this time.  That doesn't mean that you have to cut him out of your child's life as your daughter should be able to grow up knowing her dad and having a relationship with him.  You have to think about what is best for you and your daughter.  These choices are always hard and hurt the most but we do get over them and grow and learn.  Take care


 


jodz
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/2/2006 9:03 AM (GMT -7)   
shell, tht was amazing i relly thank you, u have made my evening, sound like someone actually cares i have been looking for this advise for so long, and hey, i found it on the internet, brownleaf, thanx, i ahve looked all over for support groups, aberdeen is disgracefull, my midwife has also tried, nothing, i have been to councelling and on anti depressants since i was 6 months pregnant, i was told they would make my little girl sleepy when she was born, and for those who has asked what he is like now, well he drinks everday, but he works offshore, he is selfish, and has no feeling about what he has done 2 me in the past, admitted he does not feel any emotion, i have so much in me. he is a good dad now, not 2 start with, i do not trust him, and he has damaged me there is no support in this area beleive me i have even joined the church am that desperate, thanx guys, thank you xx
 
Hi Jodie,  I edited your post down to lower case since it was written in all Caps.  It makes it very difficult to read and is considered yelling, even though we know you weren't and that wasn't your intent.  Thank you - Elisha

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 6/4/2006 6:40:57 AM (GMT-6)


brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 6/2/2006 12:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jodie.
you say he is a good Father now, but what happens in 5 - 10 years as your child is growing up, how are you going to feel in that time, and how much of the frustration and hurt is going to carry over onto how your child grows up, A good Father means Taking care of his Woman as well, because if You don't feel balanced in your life, you will set your child up later for issues that you could well have prevented.

If you are not financially able to step out of this situation, then you need to start planning for that moment, and very likely thats going to mean a step out of the town you live, when you feel ready,
you are young still, and again you will discover strength and determination in your heart, and i hope you do,
Have Courage, and you've met some great people here, so you've got some great support to fall back onto in the future
Take Care and think carefully Jodie

jodz
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/2/2006 1:37 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you, and i know i have 2 get out of this situation, and out of my hometown, i am scared, and just do not know how 2 go about this, getting a place away from here, etc, my head is such a mess right now!i have 2 act soon

Tangilize
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/2/2006 1:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Jodie,

If you are reaching out for help, I'm sensing that he's still not a person you want to be with. Another thing you need to think about is the behavior that is being modeled for your sweet, innocent baby. You don't want her growing up thinking it's okay for men to treat her the way you are being treated by her father. I know you may love him but you can't possibly be in love. Being in love is much different. It's a positive relationship where you can grow together, treat each other with respect and build a happy future together. GET RID OF HIM SISTER! Nobody deserves to be treated that way, that's wonderful to hear you've "even joined the church" - I'm not extremely active in my religion but I know tha having a spiritual relstionship with God has helped me through many difficult challenges. Good luck and be wise - think of your little daughter. Feel free to e-mail or IM me.

shell67
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 1268
   Posted 6/2/2006 11:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Hiya jodz, Im glad your thinking of getting out of there, and its good to start planning and saving asap. There are many ways to get help, you just need to plan ahead and find where youre going. I agree with tangilize, and i know i sound like im preaching but the sooner you are out of there the better, for you and your baby. if he drinks everyday, belive me it will get worse, and your depression will get worse, its not going to get any better if youre being treated like that. He may seem like a good dad now, but he doesnt sound as if hes able to be who you need. I know its hard, there are many of us who would help you in any way we can. Keep the emails coming, we will get together on messenger soon, i got your add ;) sorry i missed you. Take care and keep us posted. Hugs, and my thoughts are with you.
shell
" Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now, in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed."
Eileen Caddy


jodz
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/3/2006 12:05 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks guys but i am truly in a bigger rut today, marks put the flat up for sale a long tim e ago, and the market was not any good, i thought back then i would work on forgiving him, getting over the past and to stop 'making situations up in my own head' so he tells me, someone bought the flat today, mark has wanrned me that i have 2 stop being silly remembering everything that he has done as he is buying a house for us all 2 be a familly in, will this mess my life up?will i be in a bigger rut?i dont know if i can let go, i mean is it rite to?i dont see myself spending the rest of my life with someone who puts me down, drinks, and has absouloutly no emotion maan help!!shel u on msn messenger 2night?we still aint had a chat!xxx

brownleaf
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 765
   Posted 6/3/2006 8:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jodie
Your happiness lies within you and not a house, is a big house going to make your loneliness go away, think carefully, as i think you are doing what a lot of Women do at times like these, and in the end, you end up leaving anyway, just by the time you do, you've wasted a part of your life, become more guarded and alone,

The best advice is whatever you decide, Commit yourself, be responsible for what you choose, If you carry the uncertainty with you, it will take away your energy twice as fast,

Please Listen to the Women who have replied, and theres thousands that haven't, who have gone through what you are going through now and they all say the same thing,
Find the Courage to live, to be happy, and make your child grow in a loving and stable environment

Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 6/4/2006 11:38 PM (GMT -7)   
jodz,

I'm very sorry to hear what you have gone through with that guy, you need to draw the line and i think you should leave him and continue your life. your still young and life is ahead of you , you have to make a decision for you and your daughter. don't you have any relatives where you live? i would suggest you visit them and be close to them. you need to make friends too, I hope you find light in the end of the tunnel, good luck !!
                                                     To be or not to Be


shell67
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 1268
   Posted 6/5/2006 1:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hiya jodie, im sorry, been out of pocket for a few days, I agree with bl, a house isnt going to make it better, he still will do the same things, only now he will have something even better to hold over your head "i even bought a new home for you, and you cant forget" that my dear is a classic ploy, to get you to think you owe him something, and you dont, you deserve to be happy no matter what.......im sorry this just hits to close to home, and i will be on later and hope i catch you so we can chat. The best of luck to you, and i wish you the best of everything!!! hugs
shell
" Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now, in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed."
Eileen Caddy


jodz
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/6/2006 7:25 AM (GMT -7)   
shell u r spot on, i know xx

shell67
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 1268
   Posted 6/6/2006 5:12 PM (GMT -7)   
hi jodz, i hope you are doing ok, if i ever sound harsh im sorry, but i honestly just dont want you to spend your life so miserable.....there are so much better things out there!!! We are just scared to look, but you are so young, your whole life ahead of you, i want you to be happy. ill catch ya soon hugs
shell
" Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now, in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed."
Eileen Caddy

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