sad as sad can be

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krocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/2/2006 2:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Everone,  I have been staying away from the site for awhile because I started falling behind in my work.  Yes I've been using my computer at work for non work related things.  I have had problems concentrating during the day.  I am either too interested in things that aren't important or not interested in the important stuff.  Sorry if I ramble, but it's taken me some time to realize I need help.  I do have depression and I am on Zoloft 100mg daily. 
My Husband of 6 years had to go Afghanistan for a year.  While he was gone I started going to clubs with friends and met a lot of nice guys that paid attention to me and I liked it.  I slept with 4 different people over the year.  I have never been like this before, and I really have no explanation for it.  3 of the guys were just one night stands.  But the other is my best friend's husband.  He and I have been seeing each other since Apr. 2005.  We talk everyday, and see each other after work,on the weekends etc..  I do really love him, however I am not positive he is going to leave his wife for me. 
My husband and I have done nothing but argue since he came back.  Mostly about $, and I keep flip flopping from his love to the other guys love.  I have wanted to stop seeing the boyfriend, but I chicken out at the last minute.  I'm not even sure if I want to be with him in the future.  I guess I just don't know what I want.
I went to a meeting about Bi-Polar depression and I believe I may have it.  I have a lot of the signs.  If anyone can help me out I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!

krocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/2/2006 4:09 AM (GMT -7)   
It's me again. I just looked at my e-mail again and I realize now that most of you think I am a terrible person for being with so many guys while my husband was away. I am a bad person, and my conscience is driving me even more insane. I need to talk to my chaplain or a therapist. I know I need a different med.. I am happy so happy at times, and hen I cry until I throw up. I don't know what to do. It's like my goodmorals have been thrown out. I want to be the good person I used to be. I just don't think it will ever be possible for me to feel good about myself again. I am so ashamed of myself.

krocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/2/2006 5:46 AM (GMT -7)   
OK I must be even worse off than I originally thought. I see over 15 people viewed my message, yet none of you feel like replying. Please give me some feedback. I feel all alone. I can't tell anyone about this life I am living. Not one of my riends can know or a family member. I am reaching out to you. I have been checking for a reply since I sent the first message.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 6/2/2006 7:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi krocks,  I am glad to see your back..I was wondering where you ran off to.  It sounds like your in quite a dilemma... eyes    I can see that when your husband was away that you went out and when other men paid attention to you, you liked the attention.  Perhaps you were lonely?  I dont know, and dont want to draw conclusions here....But maybe you need to think about what your friends husband is giving to you that your husband isnt.  Maybe it is the excitement of sneaking around and doing something that your not supposed to be doing?  Please dont think I am judging you as I am not and would be the last person in the world who would.  If you really need someone to talk to about this you can e-mail me and I will be happy to talk to you, my e-mail is under my username.  Much love...

Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 


Sea 2
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 69
   Posted 6/2/2006 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Don't think that the lack of replies is because people are judging you. They aren't. Just sometimes it's difficult to know how to help. Most women will have gone through the feeling of being disgruntled with their life and have been flattered by the attentions of other men. And like yourself most have probably found it hard to deal with. Having said that you could end up losing your hubby, your boyfriend and your best friend too and feel even worse. Feel like scrubbing this message now as I still don't feel it can help, but I won't add another to the viewing number-with no reply.

jodz
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/2/2006 3:11 PM (GMT -7)   
hi there, i can understand you, i dont think you are a bad person, just confused. Your husband works away, but do you trust him?i can compleately understand why you had these affairs, were they worth it?you were not getting the love you needed at the time, so you found the attention good and it gave you a boost of self esteem, feelings like, men still want me, i am still atractive, and i can feel good again ,feelings that have dissapeared from your life, returned by other men, tell me would you have been able too have these affairs sober?i really dont want you too feel like a terrible person, you are not, it was wrong to have an affair, but there are things missing from your relationship, and you can find them again, along with your husband that is if its worth the fight?feel free 2 im me, i am looking for new friends you see lol xxjodiexx

krocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/3/2006 7:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks els for replying.  You are right I don't like to be alone.  I have been trying to tink of what the boyfriend does for me that my husband doesn't.  For the most part he gives me a eadache every day.  I decided to put all my energy into making things work with my husband.  I went out with the boyfriend last night.  It was fun until his wife called his cell.  I get so jealous of her and the my mood changed dramatically.  My friend tells me I am not doing myself any good letting him pretty muc use me for sex.  He gets to ave his cake and eat it too.  The sex part is definitely te one ting he does for me that my husband doesn't do.  My husband has gaines a lot of weight, and he just doesn't excite me anymore.  I've talked to im about this and all he says is "Well we'll just ave sex again when I get skinny."  I am not that shallow to make his weight the issue-besides I married im for richer and for poorer...  I want to see how I do not having to sneak around, trying to keep 2 men happy, it really makes me tired.  The sneaking around part is not a plus in the situation.  I love this guy so much, and he obviously doesn't love me the same.  I'll keep you up to date wit things.  Thank you again! krocks

krocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/3/2006 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Sea 2 for typing me back.  Today is a new day, and I did  go out with the boyfriend last night, but even he said it feels like I wasn't much into the date, and that he wondered if it was goodbye.  This seems like a good time for me to just walk away.  If he truly wanted to be with me he would have done something by now to prove that to me by now.  I hate to think I am/was one of those naive women that actually thinks the guy will leave his wife.  I already feel good about my decision.  I am going to give my husband my undivided attention and see if we can work out our problems.  Once again thank you, krocks

krocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/3/2006 7:44 AM (GMT -7)   
hi jodz  Yesterday I really needed a friend someone to open all this stuff up to and you were there for me and I thank you.  This boyfriend seemed to be everything I ever wanted in a man. He took me places, treated me things, was very affectionate the only downer was the fact that he has a wife and I have a husband.  This past year we have been living in la la land.  It's time for me to face reality, he's not in a rush to leave his wife and I get so mad at myself everytime I sleep with him.  I am the one putting all this added stress in my life and the only way it will stop is if I stop it.  He's getting everything he wants, but I want more.  We've talked about what the future could hold, but then he drops me off and drives back home to his wife.  He has started to question where I am at and what I am doing-I don't have to explain myself to him. He calls me when it's convenient to him and when we are out his wife calls and ruins our mood.
I hope I stay strong and that I don't call him.  I did have alcohol with the others, but it doesn't matter if I was drunk or sober this guy really does it for me. Thanks again.I gotta run, krocks

jodz
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/3/2006 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
does either youor your boyfriend have children with your partners?have you asked him if he is willing too leave his wifer for you?have you asked him if he sees you 2 together in the long term future?i cant just tell you that you should leave your husband, if you say that he makes you feel down, and this other gur yeally does do it for you. its a hard one but you really should start sorting things out , for your own happiness and peice of mind. i know things are easier said than done and it just seems impossible too collect yourself and make a decision and stick too it but really i am outside of the circle and i just dont want things too end up in a mess for you, you are inside the circle and are kinda living for the moment, meeting this guy, hoping something solid will become of it. its time too get this sorted out, how would you feel and react if your husband found out, i mean would you be scared of losing him?xxxxx i am here 4 u xxx

jodz
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/3/2006 11:56 AM (GMT -7)   
woops wife lol xx

Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 6/4/2006 2:53 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't know what to say really, what you have done is wrong, you need to consider the future not just the today. having sex with a married man, this can ruin both your lifes.

qnd regarding your husbend, you maye consider divorse but before that you have to give another chance for him ( and yourself ) making the right decision is important. you musy\t remember that problems in marriage is nothing new almost all marages have arguments or misunderstanding, but they work on it. at least thank god he's not abusing you.

So you must look at the bright side, instead of fight with your husbend try think what is he trying to achieve, maybe he is saving money for a house or a car, or even for you children education. as a wife you should obey your husbend and let him worry about $ , try and sit with him and understand his plans for the future and both of you need to do need to work toghether at this.
                                                     To be or not to Be

Post Edited (Akram) : 6/4/2006 5:53:39 AM (GMT-6)


krocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/4/2006 11:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Akram you had a lot of good comments.  Thanks for your reply.  I am giving my husband and I a second chance.  I have been checking my cell several times tis weekend to see if there is a message from "the boyfriend", and I am bummed when I see there isn't.  I di program 2 messages for him if he does drop me a line.  Letting him know I need to stay away and stop feeling happy/sad/ealous all the time.  Tomorrow I'll hear from him.  He works 4 buildings away from me.  He will ask me to have lunch with him.  I feel like I am in high school again waiting to hear from the prom king.  Maybe tat is why I was doing all of this.  It has made me feel younger and alive again.  Take care, krocks

krocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/4/2006 11:07 AM (GMT -7)   
atedogs-- I'm working on the poop thing.  I have honestly never been in this situation before. Military bases are the worst settings for A-OK marriages.  If you are pretty and the men know your husband is downrange they will approach you.  I was weak, and every day I am getting stronger and getting my morales back.  Thanks again for your reply.  It makes me remember there are great people on this website. krocks

krocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/4/2006 11:16 AM (GMT -7)   
jodz--Yes my husband has a daughter. she doesn't live with us.  She and I have a great relationship.  I've been in her life almost 10 years.  The boyfriend has children.  Only one with the wife he as now.  Yeah that's another thing I have been thinking about.  He's been married twice now would I really want to be wife #3?  e ad told me he would leave is wife however you never really know if that is the case until he follows through on it.  If my husband found out he'd be very upset-for one thing this "boyfriend" is friends with both of us. Plus my friend is black and my usband doesn't care for colored people too much, and I am sure he would be surprised and devastated in my choice.  Although if we did get caught it would definitely bring everything to the table.  krocks


Sea 2
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 69
   Posted 6/4/2006 11:21 AM (GMT -7)   

Yes, It does give you a buzz being chased by another man, especially if your husband is not around as much as you would like.  However, if you care for your husband and deep down you love him, then, when the bubble bursts and he finds out, the fear of losing him,the self-loathing and the realisation of what you had that was good could make you feel sick to the core both physically and mentally.

  But even then the feelings that you will be having will be nothing compared to the feelings that your husband will have if he loves you. 

 Say no tomorrow when the boyfriend asks you for lunch and DONT let yourself have the pleasure of him having to persuade you!!!!!!! devil Say no and switch the phone off.  It's hard to be firm when you care for him but he will be hurt just as badly as you if deep down he loves his wife as you do your hubby.  Sorry if this sounds like a lecture!


krocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/5/2006 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Sea 2 he called and I was out getting my lunch-and I didn't have my phone on me.  If I had it on me, I would have answered and told him to lose my #.  But since I didn't he already thinks I am so mad at him that I won't answer his calls.  He has a disposable love for me.  I'm good to have around on the weekends, or when he's not getting along with his wife, or when he is wondering what I have been up to-then he wants me around.  It's not an unconditional love.  I have the worst headache in the world, yet I still feel better today than I have in several months.  It's like a huge weight has been lifted.  A weight that I allowed into my life.  I have no one else to blame ,but myself.  I think I may even go to the gym today. :-)   Enjoy your day! krocks

bluemeanies
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 1372
   Posted 6/5/2006 10:22 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't think you are a bad person but I do encourage you to stop seeing this other man. You need to work things out with your husband first. Be that either working on the marriage or splitting up. I think you should leave a marriage for yourself not another person. What if that doesn't work out and your left alone. That needs to be ok too. Don't confuse love and sex. They mostly are unrelated. Why would you want a man who only wants you when its convienent for him? To me this says you are nothing but a sexual release to him. I think you deserve better than that and I hope you find a resolution soon.

krocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/6/2006 12:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Bluemeanies- I am getting in over my head.  I am jealous of his wife all the time.  He called me again yesterday and wanted to know if I was still upset with him.  I told him I was fine and that I am getting my personal things in order. I need to work out a few problems of mine.  He said "What problems?"  I said " they are problems and they are personal-I'm not sharing them with you."  He ever so the gentleman(HA) says "Well when you are ready to talk to me give me a call."  I told him"Got it" and we hung up.  Then later on his wife calls me to tell me she and he are going to do something he has promised to go and do with me.  Flying in a personal plane and watching the sunset.  It is a kick in the *ss.  Any woman that thinks it would be a good idea to cheat on her husband should talk to me first,chances are they wouldn't listen to a word I said though.  Anyone that would have told me not to, I would have ignored.  I guess it really is true we learn from our mistakes. krocks

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 6/6/2006 7:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Krocks,  You said in an earlier post that you were friends with his wife...I wonder were you friends with her before you started to have an affair with her husband?  The thing is that while you may be trying to resolve things in your mind and clear up your relationship with your husband if you continue to talk to this other man you are going to be conflicted.  Perhaps the best thing would be to break it off clean with him.  Whatever is going on in their relationship chances are pretty slim that he would leave his wife, and if he did leave her for you how could you trust that he wouldnt cheat on you?  You cant.  Plain and simple.  As long as you are picking up calls from him, and going back and forth in your mind about this the more you are going to be tormented about it.  You have to be 100% resolved in your mind that you are going to try to make your marriage work.  You can ship your husband into shape, and perhaps try to have some fun with him.  Try to get him out of the house and do stuff that you dont normally do together, make your marriage fun again.  There must be some reason you married the guy...right?  I dont mean to be harsh but I have a friend that has went through a similar situation and she ended up very much alone. 


 


krocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 6/7/2006 5:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Els,  I met his wife first, and thought she would be good friend material.  It only took a few days before I met her husband.  We were friends a year before any of this other stuff ever  happened.  She ended up having to go visit her family in the states, and he called me up asking if I'd like to get some dinner, how he felt alone and figured we could keep each other company.  My husband was away, and I even told my husband that I was going to hang out with Guy#2. (that's what I'll call him from here on out)  We ended up going to his place and getting a pizza. We watched a movie and had some shots(alcohol)  I got pretty tipsy, and asked him to take me home.  He did and that was it.  Then he called me the next day and asked if we could hang out again.  I had talked to my husband about it, and he said he trusted guy#2, but that he didn't think he was comfortable with me hanging out with this guy so often.  I told guy#2 to give me a call when his wife gets back and we'd all hang out together.  His wife called me and when I told her about her husband and I hanging out the day before she wasn't mad-just surprised.  Seems she had asked him what he did and he said"Nothing just went home and crashed after work.  Nothing special."  Of course she called him right up. and he told her he forgot about the whole thing yadda yadda yadda.  then he was quick to call me up.  I was like "Why didn't you tell her-better yet why did you lie to her?"  It was all weird if you ask me.  about a month later she called me up and asked me to pick her husband up because he was at a going away party and was too drunk to drive himself home.  So I did.  When we were driving up to his house he kissed me.  The next day he called me up and asked me if it really happened or if he was dreaming the whole thing.  Then every Thurs. Fri. Sat. and Mon. night we would hang out go to clubs dance and of course do other stuff.  He and I just clicked.  He has the type of job where it's not unusual for him to get home around 2-3 am and his wife never questions where he is at.  My hubby came home in late Feb., and of course things had to change.  We don't get to see each other as much, and usually get to go out one night a week when I am "out with the girls."  He did call several times yesterday, andI told him how hurt I was about the plane ride, and how I am offered a bunch of things, but never get them.  He said he'd put me first instead of his wife, but all I did was hang up on him.  No calls today, and up until the last hr. I've been to busy at work to care about it.  I did get to have lunch with my husband.  And he did see a dr. today about the sperm ct. test.  Sorry for the length of this, but it feels good to finally fill someone else in that doesn't know all that much about me.  Plus I can get some feedback positive or neg. w/o feeling you are just telling me what I want to hear.  Thanks ELS, Karyn

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 6/7/2006 8:29 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi krocks,  I think there are several things that I would see as indicators of guy #2 not being as straight with you as he says....One being that before your affair began and you first went to his house and had pizza even though nothing had happened at this point he felt it was necessary to lie to his wife about it.  Even though you were mutual friends with both him and his wife.  Also, that he has the type of job that allows him to keep odd hours to which his wife wont question what he is doing out late so many nights.  He rearranges his schedule to spend that time with you instead and still he knows he can get away with it?  This would lead me to think that he has done this before even though he probably said that he had never had an affair or cheated on his wife before.  Just seems too neat and convenient for him.  But regardless, you still feel that you click with the guy in a lot of ways right?  Most of which physically but keep in mind that this is usually only temporary or lasts for 6 months or a year or so if your lucky.  After that you have to work to keep things going in the right direction.  Maybe you have some of the same interests with guy #2, I don't know.  I do know that any meaningful long lasting relationship is hard work and dedication to each other.  Most of my relationships have sucked and I am divorced now, its not a fun road to go down.  I had been with the man I married for 7 years before hand and we lived together for most of that time.  I suspected that he cheated on me a few times but could never prove it.  I ended hooking up with a guy that I had went out with when I first moved here.  His name was Chris and he was my first everything, we went out for a year and it was a rocky relationship but we had all kinds of chemistry and zings if you know what I mean.  When I cheated it was for like a two week period but afterward I felt so guilty about it.  I never admitted to my boyfriend then husband that I had cheated.  Even now I still see Chris around town and some times will talk to him he has 5 kids and is still married (he was when we hooked up that time) and the physical part is still there but there just isn't anything else.  Picture how your life would be with this guy...you would be home maybe taking care of a kid or two and he would be dragging his tail home at 2-3am and you would always question what he was doing or up to since you know better than his wife. 

That is wonderful that your husband when to the doctor and did the test.  That is a step in the right direction.  It shows hes trying.

 


Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 

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