Worthless in Florida

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New Member

Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/28/2006 9:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone, I'm new here I found this forum while searching for "depression" on Yahoo. I hope I wont bore you all too much.
Well, not sure where to start. I've been in Florida for the past 2 months or so. I dont live here, I just came for several weeks because this is where my friend and her family lives. This is my 3rd time here. It's a beautiful place, the beach, million of places to shop and have a good time. Sounds like paradise right ? Only problem is, I cant enjoy any of it.
I've never been to a real doctor (yet), but I'm pretty certain I have something called Avoidant Personality Disorder.If you dont know what that is, that basically means I'm scared to death of being humiliated/picked on, so I'd rather not be part of the world at all. Which is how I live when I'm home. I live at my father's. I dont go out. Ever. The only times I go out of the house is to go to the airport to come here, or if there's an emergency.
I cant even open the door to the mail guy. I'm just scared that he'll SEE me and laugh or make a joke or something like that, and that I wont get over it.
Now that seems like hell, but it really isnt that bad once you get used to it (and I've had time to do that in the past 5 years). I work on the internet, so I can make a little bit of money and this is how I can afford to come here.
I'm obese.Morbidly obese I think is how they call it. I dont know if me being obese is the result of my depression or the cause. It's kinda hard for me to figure out which started first because it's been so long.I'm not one of these people who love food and just cant get enough of it.I hate it.I eat when I feel down or when something bad happens, because it makes me feel numb. And stops me from thinking. I hate everything elaborate. The less taste it has, the more I like it. Last month I lost 12lbs in less than 10 days because everything was going fine, I was having a good time and therefore didnt need to eat. Took it all back already.
Sometimes I just feel so guilty for taking space in this world, when it's obvious I have nothing to offer to anyone. When I'm here and visit my friend and her family, I always bring something over. Because I feel like, at least they'll be getting something out of it.For putting up with such a useless worthless piece of trash. I'm always scared to ask if I can come over, though I've been told repeatedly I dont need to ask, just come and hang out. But I just cant do that. So I stay inside my motel room, sometimes for a whole week at a time. Meanwhile I dont know if my friend thinks I'm just cold and distant, or what ? I get very sad when I find out she's been doing things without including me (like going to a park or to the beach). And I dont understand why because I know very well that if she had asked me, I would have said no. Her husband is a joker and sometimes say the most hurtful things,but he doesnt realize how much it hurts me because I dont show anything.
I know I'm making my friend look bad, but she isnt. She has a lot of stress in her life too and I dont want to bother her.She doesnt know how I feel about all of this, and I dont think I can ever tell her, especially not face to face.
Well I'm sorry my post is so long and boring. I just dont know what to do anymore. I have thought of killing myself every day for the past 5 years or so.There are several reasons why I have not done it, one being that although I feel hopeless most of the time there's still that little tiny chance that I can "fix" myself and finally enjoy life a bit. And another reason .. which is so stupid, really.. is that I dont want anyone to see my body,even if it's a coroner. How pathetic is that ??

Post Edited (Lolz) : 6/28/2006 8:10:32 AM (GMT-6)

Sea 2
Regular Member

Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 69
   Posted 6/28/2006 1:12 PM (GMT -6)   


I have not got depression and am not greatly overweight so I don't know how much help I can be.  However, I can list some of your latest achievements.

1. You travelled to Florida.

2. You made enough money to live there for several months.

3. You had a good time.

4. You lost 12lbs in weight.

5. You met your friend and her husband.

6. You admitted a problem through this thread.

7. You recognise a glimmer of hope.

That is one positive thought a day for the next week. yeah

Judi Bee
New Member

Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 6/28/2006 4:52 PM (GMT -6)   
At some point, you have to make a decision; boundaries don't keep
other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy; that's how
we're made. So, you can waste your live drawing lines or you can
live your life crossing them.
good luck, and its good to hear from you. :)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 6/28/2006 8:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, Lolz!
I'm pretty overweight myself. I've been told that I have a "pretty face". LOL!!! And I say, "Yeah? Well then I guess I have a Barbie doll head on a teddy bear body!" But Lolz, I envy you in some ways too! You can travel!!! I can't! I am afraid to leave my comfort zone, which is my hometown. I'm a Floridian by the way! :)
What part of FLA are you visiting, if I may ask? I'm in Panama City. I also envy your ability to make some money online too! That's quite an accomplishment in itself! (I am on disability for depression/anxiety
I really hope that you will seek help from a psychiatrist about this. There's no shame in it! You very obviously have a lot to offer! If you get help, most likely you will be able to overcome your eating for the wrong reasons and will feel better about yourself! And remember this--if you were really "a worthless piece of trash", it would mean that your friends had terrible judgment! Wouldn't that be a reflection on them??? The fact that they care about you and you think a lot of them should tell you something positive about yourself!
I have low self-esteem myself. I REALLY do! But I also try to be fair and honest with myself as I do with others. I try to think of my positive points: I'm caring, loving, compassionate, and have always been. I try to follow the Golden Rule. And if you happen to believe in the Bible, Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself...it's hard to love someone as yourself if you hate yourself! Can you really, in complete honesty, think of things about yourself that are so horrible that you deserve no place on this earth? I seriously doubt it! Let's reserve that sort of harsh feelings for child molesters and serial killers and their ilk! The other people here have made some excellent points and I hope you will dignify them by being fair to YOURSELF! :)
You've come to a great place with a lot of kind empathetic folks that truly care! Welcome and please keep on coming!
PS-Feel free to email me if you'd like!
I was okay until that flock of bird dogs flew over...

New Member

Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/29/2006 2:10 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey guys, thank you all for the sweet replies :) Feels good to see that so many people took the time to reply even to a total stranger.
Janet, people tell me that "pretty face" thing often too and I'm gonna use your answer from now on if you dont mind ! It's a lot better than my usual "mmm yeah okay whatever". I'm in St Pete btw. Such a beautiful place, and everyone here is so nice and RELAXED. 
The thing about my friend(s), is that, I also work for them. Without getting paid, because they have big money troubles and it doesnt make a big difference for me as far as money goes. But I always wonder if she's being nice because of that, or because she truely likes me. Which makes no sense really because she is a VERY direct and outspoken woman and I'm sure if I did something to annoy her I'd get an earful right away.
I guess there are just some days when you feel so down you see everything the wrong way.
Also about traveling, it's funny actually because my father's always on my case about that.He says it's interesting how I cant take a bus downtown for 10mns but dont mind being on a plane for 6 hours.Cant really explain it myself LOL
Well it's really late & I still got work to do , but I just wanted to say thanks to all of you who posted. It did make me feel a lot better :)
I hope soon I can help you guys out too !

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 6/29/2006 5:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Lolz,  I just wanted to add my welcome to the forum to you.  We are happy to have you and hope you continue to post here often.  Healing Well is a great place for support and information and not to mention but everyone here is super wonderful.. :-)    I see that some of our veteran member's have already given you some great feedback and advice on your original post, and to that I don't have anything to add.  I am looking forward to seeing more from you...take care




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