thanks guys for the reply. really appreciate it.
guess it's true that it's not the real me. Coz it feel's like i'm watching a drama of myself. my fiance said I can control myself if I really want to. I tried but still i feel helpless about
my feelings. It's like watching a film. you want the story to happen the other way but you cant do nothing coz you can just watch it as how it has been filmed. Sorry, i know it's confusing to talk about
this way but Im really is not good at expressing my feelings.
I have stopped seeing my doc since march. i stopped taking medication too coz i think they're not helping at all. i told my doc about
it but he only sent me to a counsellor which i think is useless coz i feel sick of the same 'positive lecture' everytime.
At this time, when Im posting this reply Im feeling ok as maybe the olanzapine i took last night slows me down. It makes me feel weak and sleepy. So any feeling that I have is not as overwhelmiong as usual. Anyway, the olanzapine is not mine. It's friend's meds (she has bipolar). i know it's wrong but that's the only thing i can take to control me and make me feel better. I would rather spend all my time sleeping rather than fighting with my fiance. And of course, my fiance is upset coz i take a meds that is not meant for me.
I will be going for my final year uni registration this july 6th. i feel scared of the new semester. I already took 2 semester/ 1 year study leave as I cant concentrate on my study as my feelings were not that stable yet. I was supposed to graduate last month. Thinking about
the days I will have this coming semester makes me really scared. The tension and stress and study pressure really frighten me. I cant take the olanzapine as I need energy for the classes. Worse, my i will be alone to face all the stress as my fiance will leave for his offshore duty soon. I'm so scared.
my fiance agreed that i should see my doc and give meds another chance. so i guess i will in this few days if not tomorrow. I just worry that I might abuse the meds again coz i have the intention to do so. I know I am being pathetic. It's just, Im stupid and not strong enough to fight the negative thoughts and impulses in me.
:: Chronic Major Depression :: BPD ::