Trying to find courage & strength

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Sadsong
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 7/3/2006 1:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi all,
 
I was on here a few months back, but my computer broke.  :(  (I'm visiting my brother and using his computer while he's at work.)  So, I'm not sure how often I'll be on or how often I'll be able to check messages. 
 
Right now, I really miss the support and strength that the folks here gave so freely, especially from you Els.  I really miss feeling like I was a part of something positive.  I guess I'm fumbling through my life, trying to feel connected to others.  But, the sad truth is I haven't felt comfortable or secure enough to take that step, to open up, to reach out, to strike up a conversation.  It's as though there is an auto response programmed into my head and I can only smile and nod and say something rehearsed, which would be considered a "safe" answer in any situation.  Rather than say something that would be anything remotely close to what I really think.  (Which I don't even usually come up with until after I walk away from the situation and really think about the conversation.) Does that make any sense?
 
I guess I'm having a hard time trying to find the real me, she seems to have gotten lost along the way and I miss her.  I don't really like this fake person I've become and I really want to be someone who is able to be herself and be able to speak her mind and not feel guilty doing so. 

Sea 2
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 69
   Posted 7/3/2006 4:23 PM (GMT -7)   

When I was 18 I used to characterise myself as a dried up empty carcus revealed when silky fronds are blown apart.   Im still here....not perfect  but still here.  Take heart !

 

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 7/3/2006 5:28 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi ya Sadsong!  It is funny that you wrote as I was just thinking about you and wondering if you were doing okay.  I have missed seeing you on the forum and have come to think of you as a friend.

I think I understand how you feel.  I have pretty much stopped talking to all my other friends except for one, and sometimes I don't even answer my phone when she calls.  It almost seems as if I don't have much in common with others or maybe its just me projecting my feelings onto them, who knows.  But, I don't open up either and talk to people and if someone does go out of their way to start a conversation with me I am always at a loss for words...like it is forced and fake.  Then I have to worry that they can tell and mistake it for being snotty or thinking I'm better than them.  Really it is almost too much energy to spend and waste.

I don't know what the solution or answer is.  Maybe it is within ourselves and once we heal and work on get to being better with us than it will be easier.  I hope.

Please do check in with us when you can, you will always be able to find support and encouragement here (as you well know).  You can also e-mail me if you want to, my address is below my username.  :-)


Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 


Sadsong
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 7/7/2006 7:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you to everyone who responded.  It's great to know that there are people out there who take the time to listen and offer their understanding.  I guess that is really what I'm in need of right now. 
 
I picked up a book that Brownleaf had recommended a while back and started reading it again last night.  In it, there is a story that really made sense to me.  It's about a man who does not find happiness until he recognizes the "Other" in his life.  The "Other" is how he is suppose to act, how he is suppose to make lots of money.  Once, he recognizes that he doesn't have to do what the "Other" tells him to be, he can truly be happy and actually makes a ton of money!  :) It was a very simply told story that captured part of what I'm going through.  So, thank you Browleaf for that little gem.     
 
And thank you Els, I do think about you often and I hope that you are doing well.  :)  (I'm at a public library using one of their computers, so I don't have much time.)  Hopefully, once I finally purchase a new computer I'll be able to reconnect and be able to participate more.  In the meantime, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.  It seems the more I get to know you the more we have in common.  Please take care of yourself and I hope to here from you soon!  :)
 
Lastly, I think the main reason why I haven't been myself lately is because I went home to visit my family and it seems like whenever I go home a lot of unresolved issues come out of nowhere and I end up crying all the way home.  I can't seem to figure out an effective way to deal with stuff when I'm there and I get so overwhelmed and seem to revert back to this crazed person who can't seem to control herself and just wants to blurt out mean and hurtful things to those around her.  I guess you could say I have a lot of pent up frustrations, eh?

nickylynn
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 83
   Posted 7/7/2006 6:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi I'm new but I like it here already.  The people on this forum are really nice and understanding and they are willing to help others with the same problems that they have.  And for me it makes a big difference in my attitude. Especially these last 3 days.  I hope to talk to you more and get to know you more.
~nickylynn~


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 7/9/2006 2:39 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi sadsong, I’m sorry I didn’t see your reply, your post got bumped to the bottom of the page  eyes  .   I completely get what your saying.  Everytime I go home to KC it brings up lots of unresolved issues for me.  Not only just that this was the place of my childhood upbringing so I associate it with "trauma" but my family is also extremely frustrating.  It is almost like when I am leaving there I feel like the "hounds of hell" are chasing my car for a good 50 miles or so down the highway before I am able to become untensed.  Your right, we do have so many things in common... tongue

Are you still working with your counselor?  If not, maybe it would help...I know for me I have had to realize that I am the only one I can change, as I cant change my dad, his nasty truck driver girlfriend whom I hate, my sister, or my crazy aunt and cousins who are on my mom's side.  I am just glad that I don’t have to live there with that behavior surrounding me all the time...I'm sure I would be crazy and locked up somewhere.

I know you've had a lot of stress with your dad being sick.... is he getting better? and your mom not taking care of her health either.  We are always here if you need to vent or talk...check back when you can...hugs


Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 


Sadsong
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 7/12/2006 2:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey all,

Thanks for responding Els. I tried sending you an email directly, but it may have ended up in your junk box, since you've never received an email from me before! :)

Oh, and thanks for asking about my folks. My dad is getting better, he's gaining weight which is good. He's up to 131 lbs. now. My mom is also gaining weight, but that's bad, since she needs to lose weight. :( She's gotta be back up around 231 lbs now. When I was home I cooked dinner for them both. My dad is a really picky dinner and won't even try anything remotely healthy for him, which eliminates all fruits and vegetables! While my mom practically eats everything in sight and has at least twice as much as my dad consumes. Agh!

I feel as though I'm suppose to take care of my parents now, but they are only 58 and 59 respectively. They should not be having the kinds of health problems that they are experiencing if they ate properly and got some exercise! Grr! But, what really has been troubling me lately is that since I don't have any friends where I currently live I've been relying more and more on my mom for my emotional support, but that's just not her strong suit. So, I keep getting let down and feel even more isolated, since I don't have a good support system. Plus, since I don't have anyone around here to talk with and I try to talk to my mom and it doesn't work (she'll just start nagging me about "When am I gonna get grandkids? I want grandkids.") I just keep hearing all of her negative comments like a broken record in my head. (Oh, and just for the record, she's been saying that she wants grandkids for the past 16 yrs and still doesn't have any. Besides, I'm not dating anyone right now and I've never been married.)

But, enough moaning. I really need some good advice on how to find a good therapist. I called my insurance company today (huge step for me) and they gave me a list of psychologists that I could see in my area, but I have no idea how to pick one. (I saw a few really good ones while I was in college, but they were easy to find, since they worked at the college!) I have a pretty good idea of what I don't want and a pretty good idea of the kind of environment that I feel comfortable in, but does anyone have any suggestions on the types of questions that are appropriate to ask over the phone and/or how to even start this kind of conversation with a potential therapist? The last time I tried something like this it didn't work out at all and I'm a bit hesitate to try it again.

Muchas gracias in advance! :)

shell67
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 1268
   Posted 7/12/2006 5:46 PM (GMT -7)   
hi sadsong! we do miss you......im sorry i cant write much, its almost time to go home......but i was going to suggest, maybe you could go to your local library and use a computer? I work in the library here, and my computers are busy all day. just a suggestion, but i was hoping wed see more of you if you could access us from there. Stay strong, and keep looking up, and im sure bl will be happy to know how much you enjoyed the book ;)
shell
" Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now, in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed."
Eileen Caddy


Sadsong
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 7/15/2006 1:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Shell,

It's funny you should mention using a computer at a local public library, because that's exactly what I've been doing! :) The library here in town is a first come first serve basis that residents can use for a certain number of minutes per day, so it's not as much access as I once had, but it's a huge improvement over not having access at all!

After being away for a while, I've become to realize the importance of this forum had for me. I mean I really look forward to posting and feel a huge sense of relief when I hear back from folks who were having a bad time a day or so ago. But the thing that really keeps me going is the potential of helping others on here. I used to do all sorts of volunteer work, I was pretty close to joining the Peace Corps at one point, and now that part of me seems to have regenerated and started to make me feel like I was part of something productive again. It's really a wonderful fringe benefit, to be able to help others out when they are in need. To be understanding and offer some suggestions and recommendations to someone who has struggled with similar things that I have also struggled with. This site helps me get through the day, especially Els positive thread. When I have the time, I really try to find one positive thing that I can post on there, since I think life can be so much better if I can share at least one positive thing with other people once a day.

shell67
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 1268
   Posted 7/16/2006 11:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi sadsong,
Im glad you are doing that ;) ours is the same way, limited to an hour a day, but like ya say its better than nothing!
This forum is important, and we are lucky and glad to have you. I feel better after hearing from people too that have had a rough day, and if i have one, theres always someone to make me smile. Sharing positive things means more than most of us realize, until its not there anymore. Keep posting, we need you :)
shell
" Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now, in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed."
Eileen Caddy


Sadsong
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 344
   Posted 7/18/2006 4:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Nickylynn -

I'm so sorry that I completely ignored your earlier post. I must have breezed right by it! This forum has been a wonderful place for me to gain insight and inspiration. I've been able to work through a lot of things by typing them out, reflecting on what I've writen, revising it, and then asking myself if that really captures what I'm currently dealing with or if I look at it from a different perspective maybe it's not really as bad as I thought! I guess it's the whole perfectionist in me creeping out. I want to make sure it's clear and concise before I hit that SUBMIT key. Although, I've been know to write quite a lot at times! :) I hope things are going well for you and when you have the time I'd love to hear back from you! :)

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 7/19/2006 9:08 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Sadsong, I posted a reply a few days ago but now it has disappeared...hmmm, I wonder where it went?  Cyber space maybe?  I checked my e-mail and "junk" mail and there wasn’t anything in there, so I will keep an eye out incase you send me another one.

On picking a therapist you should keep in mind the key reasons of why your going in the first place and when you call around for appointments just ask for a counselor that specializes in the certain areas that are essential for you to work on.  There are many therapists that specialize in abuse, rape, eating disorders, and substance abuse issues.  Not that you would fall into any of these catorgies...just giving an example to go on.

It would most certainly benefit you to have someone to talk to openly one-on-one who is not judgmental and imposing their own opinions on your family situation and how to deal with it.  As this does seem to be a huge source of stress and worry for you.  I am very proud of you for calling your insurance company and inquiring about counseling, which was a very big step to take.  Now the next one is following through with it...and I know that you can do it.  I am always here for you...hugs

Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 

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