i really need someone to talk to...

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irishangl
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/6/2006 11:09 AM (GMT -7)   
hi, i joined your community this afternoon after feeling the lowest i've felt since having our twin boys almost 10 years ago. i've been married for 14 years and i'm the mom of 3 beautiful kids and i know im not much of a mom right now to them. i can't function normally, whatever normal is. i'm taking hydroclorothizyde and paxil, just a low dosage of paxil however.
i started working again after being out of the workforce for 10 years takingcare of our children.
i've been working for 2 years now at a good job but the stress from work is getting to me as well.
when i was born my mother and father had split up (they were just boyfriend and girlfriend at the time she conceived me) so she moved in with my grandparents and they helped her raise me. i had no contact from him until i was 21 after our daughter was born. he lived 10 mins from me my entire life and not a word. when i was 8 years old, my mom married my step-father. he was physically and still is very verbally and mentally abusive to my brother and i and now my children the odd occasion they are around him. my mother stands by him no matter what and everything that goes wrong in her life im responsible for. she is never happy for me or gives me support, but is always happy to point out my flaws and shortcomings.
never having a mother, per se, has made it very difficult for me to have a close relationship with my kids, especially our daughter. i'm married to a wonderful man, he is kind and gentle but very self centered at times and doesn't help me with the kids or our home unless we get into a screaming match that ends with me crying myself to sleep at night. i told him this morning that if he and the kids don't start helping with the home chores and pets, i'm leaving for awhile. i've been thinking alot about suicide the past 2 months and i really do think they would all be better off without me. i don't know what to do anymore, noone takes me seriously, my husband just shakes his head and shrugs my feelings off.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 7/6/2006 11:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi irishangl,  Welcome to healing well forum, we are happy to have you but sorry it is under these reasons.  It sounds as if you have so much going on in your life and have for quite some time.  Have you thought about or considered thearpy or counseling?  I think this would be a good idea under these cirsumstances.  Suicide is never the answer nor is running away from your problems.  It seems that your a strong women who has basically had to raise herself, your kids and manage a household.  That is quite a feat and not many can do that...I know I couldnt.  First thing you do need to do is get on the phone to the doctor who has prescribed those antidepressants and notify them of what is going on and how your feeling.  It sounds as if the dose needs to be adjusted or you need to be switched to something else altogether.  Then you start to find some counseling for yourself and later on down the line, hopefully your family.  We are always here if you need someone to talk to or just to vent.  Take care


Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 


hillynicky
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 7/6/2006 7:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome irishangl! Please know everyone's here for you

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 7/6/2006 7:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome, Irishangl!
Suicide, as Els said, is NEVER the answer. No matter what you may be feeling right now, if you were to do that, your kids (and hubby of course) would be affected by it for the rest of their lives. That is not a legacy that you want to leave them, is it? You love them too much to do that to them! Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That may sound cliche', but it's so true! Els gave you excellent advice! You need to talk to your doctor and need to be in therapy. You've had tremendous responsibility all your life and you should pat yourself on the back because you've succeeded despite the obstacles that were before you! Anything in life is always going to be challenging and we all need time to retreat and recoup sometimes. Perhaps you could take a day all to yourself. Have a long hot bath. Read that book you've always wanted to. Or whatever you find relaxing and enjoyable. Your husband is like many men. When they don't know what to do or don't understand, they withdraw and retreat! That sounds mean of me to say, but it's true! LOL! I've never been married, but I remember my dear dad and how he reacted when I started suffering with anxiety and depression! He just stood in the hallway, looking into my bedroom, with a puzzled helpless look on his face, as mom tried to console me! When he saw that he couldn't "help", he retreated to his room and read his newspaper and watched the football game! I know he cared though, he just was so clueless! Ignore that elephant in the room and maybe it will go away eventually! I can laugh about it now, but at the time, it was very difficult. Please talk to your doctor. If you don't have a psychiatrist, I personally recommend you do, cuz they're more cogzinant of mental health issues than the family doctor.
Take care and hang in there! It WILL get better!
janet
"If you watch the stars at night,
And you find them shining equally bright,
You might've seen Jesus
And not have known what you saw...
But you would notice a gem
In a five & dime store."
From-"Mary Was An Only Child" by Art Garfunkel


irishangl
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/7/2006 7:05 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you all so much! Such nice people here who truly care about others. I had a 3 hour crying spell last night with my husband after we tucked our kids in bed. I laid my feelings on the line and told him that mentally i can't take anymore. He has to step up to the plate and be the man in this house. He's use to me looking after everything. I even have to tell him when he needs to take thegarbage away for heaven's sake! LOL. Enough is enough. I'm on vacation now for a few days from work so I'm going to do things with the kids, go to the beach today for instance and try to get myself back on track. I've made an appointment with my family doctor and explain everything to him. Seeing a psychiatrist is something else I'm going to start doing. I've asked my mother to go with me to some sessions when i start and she just looks at me puzzled and asks, "what for??".
One step at a time I guess. I will let you all know how things are progressing when I begin my therapy.
Thank you once again, I'm so glad I found this forum!! God bless you all.

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 7/7/2006 10:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Irish,
Even if your mom won't go to therspy with you, go anyhow please. My mom would never go with me and it would've really helped more, but at least it helped some.
janet
"If you watch the stars at night,
And you find them shining equally bright,
You might've seen Jesus
And not have known what you saw...
But you would notice a gem
In a five & dime store."
From-"Mary Was An Only Child" by Art Garfunkel


Jeannie143
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 6056
   Posted 7/7/2006 3:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Irish,
I suffer from chronic menancholia which means I'm depressed a lot, but I do take medication for it. My current med is prozac and it's possible that your doctor needs to adjust your medication or put you on a different SSRI. That would be one step. Another thing that may help is to try to get a bit of exercise. By this I mean a walk around the block or some up and down the stairs a few times.(maybe with a laundry basket lol!) Increased circulation helps blow away the cobwebs.

Are your children old enough to help out a bit? Can they fold a bit of laundry or empty the dishwasher? Pick up their own toys? If they are small enough a chart with stickers for chores done can be a real help. After a certain number of stickers they may earn an ice cream cone or trip to the beach or park.

Take it one day at a time and keep coming back for new ideas from the members here. They really do care. I'll be remembering you in my prayers.
~ Jeannie

"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within."

- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross


nickylynn
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 83
   Posted 7/7/2006 6:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I know how med changes work.  I first started on Prozac but after 5 months I needed a change.  My therapist changed me to Wellbutrin XL and so far for taking it for a month it has helped me a lot.  I think a med change is a good idea but the medicine isnt what makes you better it just helps you be able to get yourself better. 
~nickylynn~


irishangl
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/8/2006 10:37 AM (GMT -7)   
I took the kids to the beach yeterday for the afternoon. We had a nice day, I made a picnic lunch and I let them each bring a friend to play with so they wouldn't be too bored. I got a massive sunburnon my arms and face.... I lather the kids up but always forget about myself it seems. my daughter is the oldest, 12 yrs and my twin boys are almost 10 yrs old. Many of my emoitional problems are from my not being able to get my family to help with anything. my daughter calls me a dumb idiot and swears that she must be adopted when I won't give in to her. My sons are getting the same way. We give them everything any child would need. They want for nothing. I work anywheres from 80 to 110 hrs a week and my husband works 50 hrs a week so I do understand that the kids are frustrated with that. but I will not be treated this way anymore by my children.
My daughter will stand in front of me and look me in the eye and refuse to help with anything. she's shoved me and thrown things at me and I just don't know what to do anymore. they have no respect for their dad and I at all. My mom steps in and screams at me for not letting them have their own way even though they aren't doing their fair share here. I've been cleaning the house all day with all 3 of them laying around picking at one another (the picking is typical of kids I know) but i beg for help and they look at me like i'm insane. my grandparents raised me; as i mentioned before; and i had and still have an enormous respect for them for all they did for me. the day of respect is gone...everything is handed to kids on a platter, mine included. my husband and I have to stick together and put our foot down.
my doctors' appointment was cancelled as he had to go to surgery so i have to wait til next week to see him.
my daughter is yelling at me for the computer, so I will have to go and shut it off to get some peace. thank you all for listening. have a good day:)

irishangl
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/8/2006 10:39 AM (GMT -7)   
oh my gosh... i meant i work those hours every 2 weeks! my typing is the pits!

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 7/9/2006 4:35 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi irish,  How wonderful to have a beach close by...I would have to drive miles and miles to reach a beach... eyes   Even if your working 80-110 hours every 2 weeks that is still quite a few hours to put in and still have to manage a household basically on your own.  I am still going to push the family counseling...but if you have an appointment with a psychiatrist? then I am sure they will set you up with something (and family) to suit.  I wouldnt recommend taking your mom to your first appointment as that is usually when the doctor gets an assessment of your family history and what is going on with you now (they ask lots of questions), you have to be totally and completely honest with them so they can form a treatment plan for you.  You can discuss with the doctor if bringing your mom to your appointments is okay there after. 

I dont have any recommendations for you on the kid situation as I dont have children and know nothing about raising kids.  It does seem that your overwhelmed by the current situation and your mom isnt helping matters by reinforcing their behaviors.  I am glad to see that you have gotten proactive and made some solutions.  Keep posting...we are always here.  Take care


Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 


janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 7/9/2006 3:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Irish!
I don't have kids either, BUT...!!!! LOL!!! I am going to give advice anyway, because I do know something about kids, having been raised with a younger sister, a young cousin for several years, and 3 nieces around all the time. My sister used to get in my mom's face, with an "I-dare-you-to-hit-me" look in her eye...her jaw would jut out. My mom WOULD hit my sister. Frankly, my sister deserved a good swat!!! No child has the right to disrespect their parents that way. Now I'm not saying YOU should hit YOUR kids-some folks are totally anti-spanking. But really, spanking isn't necessarily the best way to deal with these sort of situations anyhow. Kids NEED discipline, but it must be consistent to be effective. That also means that you and your husband have to work together, as this is a "group project"! Always let your "yes" mean "yes" and your "no' mean "no"---for example, your child asks if he/she can go to the movies. You tell them that they can IF they do their chores first. If they do their chores, then let your yes mean yes-they can go. But if they don't do their chores, you have to stand your ground and not let them go to the movies, no matter how much they whine, cry, scream, etc. That is letting your no mean no! You and your husband have to cooperate and not let the kids play one of you against the other. If one parent has said "no", then the other must back up the other. This is part of being consistent. If you threaten them with restrictions or other consequences for disobedience, but then don't follow thru, they will never take you seriously. If you only carry out your "threats" half the time, you are sending mixed messages and it's confusing to the child. Every child has things that they would hate to have restricted, whether it's tv, phone, video games, etc. If part of the discipline is being sent to their room, don't let it become a "reward" by them having access to the things they like to do anyway! If a kid threatens "I'll call 911 and tell them that you're abusing me!", then you must call their bluff and say something like, "Go ahead. But you need to be aware that if they come and get you, you will likely be placed in a foster home and there's no telling what types of people will be over you then." If you let the kids control YOU, thru tears, whining, threats, or anything else, you are actually abdicating your parenting to them. Always treat children with respect and inderstand that part of being respectful to the children is teaching them to be respectful to you and others. You have to set the example. I know that parenting is a difficult job and there's no such thing as a perfect parent. All anyone can do is to do their best. And remember that sometimes, love has to be "tough". Just be sure that they know that you love them, even when you have to discipline them.
I hope this helps and all goes well for you. Keep us posted! :)
janet
"If you watch the stars at night,
And you find them shining equally bright,
You might've seen Jesus
And not have known what you saw...
But you would notice a gem
In a five & dime store."
From-"Mary Was An Only Child" by Art Garfunkel


lexi_84
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/9/2006 10:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Irish,
I know the desperation that you talk of that you just cant go on any longer that you feel no one would miss you.....take it from me they would...I felt the exact same way about a year and a half ago felt very alone and that no one really cared...depression has a way of making you perceive things a lot different from how they are. I dont have children either I am only 22 but have been through a lot. Something that helped me a lot other than the drugs was meditation and exercise and reading wayne dyer and don migeul ruiz, they speak exactly to what you are going through and how to get back to your sacred self....I know some ppl think it is hokey but if you really try it , it will work and you have nothing to lose I know it is hard right now to be positive (oh god do I know) but you have to try as hard as you can....and now that everything happens for a reason, and this seriously will make you stronger, God always has a plan and will never leave you when you need him the most. Be strong girl :-)

irishangl
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/11/2006 2:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,

Today was a good day... mine and my hubbys' 14th anniversary! We were both home with the kids today and spent time outside gardening and enjoying the warm sun. I am back to work tomorrow morning. My best friend and I chatted last night and I told her how things were going (she's a nurse). She strongly reccomended my seeing a psychiatrist as well. I've got another appointment to see my family Dr on the 25th. I don't know whether he will increase my Paxil or try an add-on drug as he referred to it. I want to stay away from the addictive meds at all cost. My daughter and I have been getting along a bit better the past couple of days.
There is still very little to no respect there but I'm trying very hard to make things work between us. If she'd only meet me half way. being 12 was hard when I was at that age... hormones raging and mood swings galore but I grew up in a different time. I listened to my elders.
lexi: I've always believed that everything happens for a reason.. that belief has gotten me through alot of bad times. Thank you for reminding me of that....:)
I know I feel like I've lost a huge part of myself.. who I really am... in being a Mother, a wife and just living in general for everyone else first. We all do that I know. You know, I understand why you see many retired men and women driving beautiful sports cars and living the high life. It's not that they're trying to impress everyone else. Their kids are all grown up and out of the house and many of the stresses they've carried on their shoulders for years aren't there any more... they're finally free to find themselves again!!
Thanks for letting me vent once again.. hope you all had a great day.

stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 7/12/2006 10:11 AM (GMT -7)   
I am not recommending anything but just want to make the comment that we are not required to love our parents. I know it is expected but I truly believe that parents must earn respect from thier kids just like everyone else. There was quite a long time in my life when I know that I had no respect for my mother. It was truly unimportant what she thought and that took the power away from her and gave it to me. Wa have a much better relationship now but at times I am still wary about how close I let her get. These are choices that we all make. Someone once told me something brilliant that I have tried to keep in mind ever since.

If the situation is killing you, get the hell out!

It works for me. That is not to say that I haven't worked on difficult relationships, because I have, but there can come a time where we truly are better off without the stressor (whatever it is).
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