Hi Butterfly, I also wanted to add my welcome to Healing Well forum. We are happy to have you. This is a wonderful site to visit for support, guidance and information. I too went through an experience similar to what you have described when I was 19. I had been dating this guy for about a year and he was my "first love" I guess you could say. It really was an abusive relationship, physically and mentally. I had been sexually abused as a child so I don’t think I realized that at the time this kind of behavior and actions really weren’t love and healthy for me. I had never looked at him smacking or hitting me as abuse or any of the other things that happened over the course of our relationship. It really wasn’t until later, many months after we broke up that it dawned on me that it was.
So, I can see how you would of blocked that traumatic event out of your mind or tried to justify it into something else entirely. When something like this happens it does change you and your outlook on life and yourself and how you view other people and relationships. It also greatly reduces any trust that you have for others except for the people that are very close to you. You have taken some great steps in seeing a therapist, getting on medication and setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist...this is going to help greatly. Victoria mentioned rape counseling which is an excellent resource...the Rape and Abuse Counseling Center does free counseling with rape survivors as does some local hospitals, so you can check into that if you are interested in doing a group counseling thing.
Above all please know that you are not alone, there are many here that are survivors of rape and abuse, I am one of them and do understand well what you are going through. We are always here....
THanks for wondering . Im so so. I feel like the meds are making me go through highs and lows. Im fine around my family and people at work. But when it comes to my boyfriend, who was always what meant so much to me (and still is), I am terrified of what were going through. I feel like since Ive been on the meds I don't want him touching me or anything. Its really strange and I don't like it. I want my normal feelings to return because thats what is killing me the most.
Otherwise, Im doing better. Ive actually cracked quite a few smiles this week. I'm trying to involve myself with more people, that way I don't become anti-social.
Hope that everything is going well for you
PS i saw your post about the book that is about significant others that have partners who are going through depression...i laughed bc i saw it too and was seriously thinking about purchasing it lol