And So It Goes....

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janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 8/1/2006 1:29 AM (GMT -7)   
It's hard to not be bitter. It's hard to not feel sorry for myself. Most everybody hates a self-pitier. I'm just going to pour it all out and if I'm vile or repugnant in my reproach, then I deserve your scorn. So now the truth.
I hate myself. No matter how much I care about other people, I can't feel the same about me. I am a coward. I'm afraid to take control of my life away from my mom and no matter how much I want to do so, I just can't. Many here have urged me to be my own person. I've had therapists to tell me the same. I know everyone's right. BUT! BUT! BUT!!!!!! it's like telling a depressed person to "just don't be depressed". I'm telling you, I have been conditioned to the way I am since I was in diapers. I love my mom and know that she didn't set out to do this to me, but she did. I am her "everything". That's a hard row to hoe everyday. So PLEASE people, don't tell me how I should do or such. You can't make this right for me and I know it and don't expect you to. I feel desperately alone all the time, no matter what I'm doing. I feel like banging my head on the wall and screaming my head off all the time, but I don't. I go along everyday as if all is fine.
It's not ALL about my symbiotic relationship with mom, though that's enough by itself!
I feel like running out the front door and going somewhere, but I can't run from myself. I'm telling you, no matter how much anybody finds me disgusting, I am many times more disgusted at myself. I have had daydreams where there are 2 of me. The "other me" kicks, punchs, stomps, slaps, bites, and whatever sort of punishment she can dole out, on the real me. But it's never enough. I have had chest pains before and thought, "Gee, it would be great if I could just drop dead of a heart attack right now!" I'm dead serious. However, I'm not suicidal, strangely enough. I'm just weird. You know, I think I want you all to hate me, because that's what I deserve and I know it. I guess if everyone hated me, I wouldn't have to care what anyone thought about me anymore.
janet
Bless the beasts and the children...


CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 8/1/2006 1:45 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Janet,

Well from one very nearly "dried up old maid" to another ... yes, I just read your post to Shy tongue , and was thinking to myself "what a wise one that Janet is" just as I opened this thread. What that post told me is that in many important respects you *are* your own person.

If you want us to hate you, I suppose we could all pretend, but ... I think you'd see through our acts!

Rosie x


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 8/1/2006 2:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Janet, I am not sure what has happened but it is difficult to think that perhaps your post may not be directed at someone in particular who you feel may have overstepped their boundaries.  Regardless of that, your relationship with your mother is not something that any of us here can fix or cure for you.  There is no "miracle advice" to give you or something that anyone one of us can say to you that I am sure you haven’t thought of or tried.  Of course you love your mother and anyone who has read any of your prior posts would know that.  I would think, and this is only my opinion of this situation, that your mom has suffered such trauma that she has spent her life terrified and bitter and in-turn, over protected you.  You were the one thing or person in this world she knew would never hurt her like that.  But those doesnt negate the fact that you also need your space to be your own person and breathe.  We are intended to be a support system here as you know.... I don’t think anyone here could hate you.  Hugs

Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 


janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 8/1/2006 9:48 AM (GMT -7)   
els said...
 your relationship with your mother is not something that any of us here can fix or cure for you.  There is no "miracle advice" to give you or something that anyone one of us can say to you that I am sure you haven’t thought of or tried.  Of course you love your mother and anyone who has read any of your prior posts would know that.  I would think, and this is only my opinion of this situation, that your mom has suffered such trauma that she has spent her life terrified and bitter and in-turn, over protected you.  You were the one thing or person in this world she knew would never hurt her like that. 

Els,
I mentioned in my post that there was nothing anyone could do or say about my problem, so no, there's not any miracle advice for me.
about what you said about my mom, you are 100% on the money in my opinion.
When I had posted about my relationship with my mom a few weeks back (on the anxiety board I believe), so many well-intentioned people were telling me how/what I should do. Of course we all give opinions and advice, but somehow, they made me feel like since they'd had relationships in which they were controlled and had got out of them, it was something I should be able to do in no time at all. I respected their kind words (I still do), but heaven knows that my situation is waaaaaaaaaaay different than theirs. All of them lived on their own, most have jobs, kids, the whole kit and kaboodle. It's easier to "have your own life" when you DO have your own life!!! I am glad for them, truly! But I guess the whole discussion is moot. I love all you guys, but I just don't love ME.
And Rosie, you are a sweetie for sure!
HUGS!
janet
Bless the beasts and the children...


nickylynn
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 83
   Posted 8/1/2006 8:06 PM (GMT -7)   

Janet~ The way you are feeling is exactly the way I am feeling.  There is NO ONE that can say or do to make it better for me.  There are times with me that I want people to feel sorry for me because that is how I got attention.  I liked it too but I now know that isn't the answer.  I just wanted to say that I feel like I'm in the same boat you are and I don't want to give you any advice because what ever I would say you prolly already heard and I would also Like to say Thank you again for what you have done to help me and please take that as a compliment.

 


*Nicky*
 
"If life isn't fun then you must be doing it wrong."
         Sue F.


janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 8/1/2006 11:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Nicky,
Being able to help you has been a real gift to me! It is one way that I know that my life is worth something. So thank you for that sweetheart. You're going to find someone someday that will love you how you need and want! You really are special in my eyes, cuz I see a young lady that has went thru so much adversity and trauma, but she still carries on with her life and is here to show love and support to others. You are so much braver than most people will be ever able to understand! And who knows? Perhaps one day you will go into a carrer that helps people deal with some of the things you've gone thru. But no matter what path you take in life, your experiences, though bitter, have made you a more compassionate and empathetic person. So you hold your head up high and don't you ever let anyone make you feel like you're a "nobody". You ARE somebody! A special person! And please never forget that! (((HUGS!!!)))

Ate,
I love you too! I honestly do! Your loving concern for others, be they people or animals, is always an inspiration. You are truly an example for us all!
(((HUGS!!!)))

Janet
Bless the beasts and the children...


nickylynn
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 83
   Posted 8/2/2006 4:58 PM (GMT -7)   
janetlee said...
Nicky,
Being able to help you has been a real gift to me! It is one way that I know that my life is worth something. So thank you for that sweetheart. You're going to find someone someday that will love you how you need and want! You really are special in my eyes, cuz I see a young lady that has went thru so much adversity and trauma, but she still carries on with her life and is here to show love and support to others. You are so much braver than most people will be ever able to understand! And who knows? Perhaps one day you will go into a carrer that helps people deal with some of the things you've gone thru. But no matter what path you take in life, your experiences, though bitter, have made you a more compassionate and empathetic person. So you hold your head up high and don't you ever let anyone make you feel like you're a "nobody". You ARE somebody! A special person! And please never forget that! (((HUGS!!!)))

Ate,
I love you too! I honestly do! Your loving concern for others, be they people or animals, is always an inspiration. You are truly an example for us all!
(((HUGS!!!)))

Janet

I have thought about a career in therapy and helping people.  I think that is my purpose in life is to help others.  What you said to me Janet has really inspired me to be thankful for what I have and keep a hold on it.  Thanks.

*Nicky*
 
"If life isn't fun then you must be doing it wrong."
         Sue F.


janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 8/2/2006 6:36 PM (GMT -7)   
nickylynn said...
I have thought about a career in therapy and helping people.  I think that is my purpose in life is to help others.  What you said to me Janet has really inspired me to be thankful for what I have and keep a hold on it.  Thanks.

Nicky,
If you feel like that is something that you want to do, then I say wholeheartedly
to go for it! yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah :-) :-) :-)
And you inspire me too, to keep on trying to help others and not think about myself so much!
Love Ya!
janet
Bless the beasts and the children...


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 8/3/2006 3:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Ms. J - PHEW I am so glad that you brought this up because I was thinking about this but didn't want to say anything in case it hurt you. If all this is caused by trauma that your mother experienced, it is not your responsibility to "fix" her. You don't need any of us to tell you about your responsibility to yourself, you know what you "need" to do and how to do it. Taking that step is yours to make. You know that you will get lots of support from this place as you take the steps to a more independent life. I am however concerned about you and often think about you wondering how you are doing. If your mom is the only life you have ever known, what will happen when she is no longer with you? I am concerned that you will then really be at loose ends which can feel even more desperate than the current situation. I admit that I am probably too new here to know the whole story but that doesn't make my concern any less valid. So help me understand, when you post something like this what do you need? Are you here to vent, do you need empathy, what is the most supportive thing we can do for you?

nickylynn
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 83
   Posted 8/3/2006 6:36 PM (GMT -7)   

I feel real good when I talk or hear from you Janet.  I have 3 years of high school left and can't wait until I can help people for a living.

Stronglady~In my Opinion for what you said...I feel that Janet was pulled into her mom's life and what happened to her.  Her mom just didn't want what happened to her to happen to Janet.  I do agree with you what will happen when she is gone but I know that Janet is very strong and smart and it won't take her that long to figure out what she is to do.


*Nicky*
 
"If life isn't fun then you must be doing it wrong."
         Sue F.


janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 8/3/2006 9:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Strong,
I don't expect anyone here to be able to do anything for me. I know what I should do, but I'm just too cowardly. I really am. My mom doesn't seem to know the words "I" or "me". It's ALWAYS "us" and "we". For example, it's never, "I need to go to the store." It is ALWAYS, "We need to go to the store." Heaven knows that it is so easy to say "just tell her NO" or "that you don't want to". I don't even know where to draw the line. I'm in a very difficult situation in more ways than one. Not only do I have this symbiotic relationship with my mom, I'm afraid of pursuing romantic relationships because I have fears of change and fears of committment. I don't work secularly cuz I have phobia of that and have been this way since I was 17 (am now almost 42). I don't own a car, so I don't have my own transportation. Mom and I live together, so I HAVE TO take her feelings into consideration about certain things, regardless of our symbiotic realtionship. For instance, she has OCD traits. Things HAVE TO be done a certain way. When she does laundry, she wants ALL the dirty clothes available, as in, if I was gone somewhere, she "has to" wait until I get home to wash the load, cuz she wants what I'm wearing to go in the wash. I am not allowed to cook (except for using the microwave), as I won't get the kitchen clean enough and so she'd have to clean up after me..... I am not allowed to do dishes (only she can get them clean enough to her standards---she uses bleach and scalding hot water!) Only she cleans the bathroom...again, it has to meet her standards...I can't go to my friend's house anymore cuz my friend has a little dog and so if I go into her house, I'm "contaminated". Mom abhors animal hairs and animal smells. She freaks out if she thinks there's one around. (I do like to note though that she does love animals, but can't stand hair and smell). Some people would say I'm blessed to not have to do laundry, dishes, etc., but believe me, it's not that great of a life when you're restricted in your own home. Mom has been very hurt in her life and I'm the only one that hasn't ever gave her reason to feel like she's gonna be abandoned. She's terrified of losing me, I know it. But she also knows that I'm afraid of making her mad so that she emotionally distances herself from me. I'd rather be slapped! I could bear the "emotional distance" except that I get anxious really bad and so I cave in. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. So if anyone wants to judge me for not "asserting my independence", please remember that there's more than meets the eye in my case. I feel dead inside in some ways...like a lapdog really. But PLEASE UNDERSTAND, I do NOT expect any answers here. I just like to know that people care about me even as I am. And about if something were to happen to my mom...it would certainly be very hard. I can't say how I'd do, but on the other hand, I would finally have some freedom too. I feel awful saying and feeling that way....but thank you for your concern! :)
Nicky, if I could've had a daughter, I'd been glad to have one just like YOU! Thank you sweetie!
janet
Bless the beasts and the children...


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 8/3/2006 10:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Janet I don't want you to think that I am judging you.  I am aware that there is more to your story so I was just trying to find out what you need from us when you come here.  Of course I and others have opinions but you are the one living your life and you are the one that has to take care of your life.  I hope that you do find support here and are able to find happiness in your life one day.  Keep the faith and good luck.

janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 8/4/2006 12:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Strong!
No, I wasn't thinking that YOU were judging me. Some people have seemed to and there is soooooooooooooo much more than what I can say here on a forum...I guess it just seems that some of the very people that have come on sort of strong about how I should do, didn't look at themselves and how they too are controlled by their fears, even if not the same sort. At least I know (and knew) that their intentions were good. The peeps on here are really nice, but when you're hurting and ones make it seem like it's all a piece of cake to solve the problem, well, it just gets me. Albeit, I am quite sensitive about this, so I'm probably more touchy than is fair. I was just venting and commiserating and yep---whining!
janet
Bless the beasts and the children...


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 8/4/2006 3:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Janet,  You are in a very tough situation and I feel for you.  I also live with my mother.  When I seperated from my husband I moved in with her and it was to be a temporary situation until I found an apartment or house...that was 2 years ago..lol.  I dream about having my own place but I know I wont be able to unless my health situation drastically changed for the better.  I am lucky in the respect that my mom and I have an excellent relationship and she gives me all the space that I need.  She has a good sized house and I have 2 rooms to myself and she keeps to the downstairs living room when she is home.  She is a nurse and works 12hr night shifts so she is gone alot.  I can have friends over, or spend the night if I wanted, even my boyfriend she doesnt mind.  There was a period of time when my blood pressure was stable for a few months and I wasnt having passing out spells, and I mentioned to her that I thought about looking for an apartment and she almost freaked out and becamed kinda panicky...I dont think it was so much because of worry over me as me leaving her.  I dont know.  I moved out the first time just before I turned 18 after I graduated from HS and got an apartment with some girlfriends in another town. 
I hadnt moved back in before now, so it was weird for me being independant and changing that, and now mom thinking of having to let go.  Oh well....

Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/4/2006 6:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Janet
I saw myself in your post. I get to the point to where I think the whole world should hate me because I am so unhappy with myself. There are days where I will not look in the mirror as I feel so ugly.
I tell my b/f that he deserves better,why is he with me? I ask him that when I get that way,and he looks at me like I am crazy.
I get so mad at the world. My mom,my grandparents,I feel deserted. I wonder why my family hates me so much.
And I feel like I could scream,and punch and throw things. I used to do just that. Scream and throw things.
But,I somehow have gotten control of that part of me,I think it is my b/f that helps me with that.
No one hates you. I will tell you that.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 8/4/2006 9:06 AM (GMT -7)   
janetlee said...
Hi, Strong!
..... I was just venting and commiserating and yep---whining!
janet

Janet, we all gotta go there sometimes.  It is always easier to be on the outside looking into an issue.  You know what you need and what you need to do.  You'll find your way like all of us will.

nickylynn
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 83
   Posted 8/4/2006 6:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Janet~ Thanks for you comment about wanting a daughter like me. If it would be alright I would like to e-mail you more and I wanted to know if you were ok with that.  I wanted to talk to you about something and I really don't want others to be in it(not offense to you guys).
*Nicky*
 
"If life isn't fun then you must be doing it wrong."
         Sue F.


janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 8/4/2006 9:21 PM (GMT -7)   
nickylynn said...
Janet~ Thanks for you comment about wanting a daughter like me. If it would be alright I would like to e-mail you more and I wanted to know if you were ok with that.  I wanted to talk to you about something and I really don't want others to be in it(not offense to you guys).

Nicky,
You can email me as much as you want to! Anytime. yeah
     Janet
Bless the beasts and the children...


janetlee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 8/5/2006 9:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Shy, Els, and Strong! And Nicky, I'm looking forward to your emails! ;)
HUGS!!
janet
Bless the beasts and the children...

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