I thought about this post a lot yesterday and have had some mixed feelings regarding it. I have things I am afraid of but I don’t believe I let that fear rule my life. I believe everyone has fears and that is normal, or should be normal. There are many people who have had horrific events happen to them and subsequently let fear and anxiety dominate every aspect of their lives. Such as my aunt who has been raped several different times and is now an alcoholic and drug abuser. It is sad but she chooses to beat herself up over the things that have happened to her in the past and yes, she does let fear rule her life, so she self medicates. But I am not one to judge her for that as I have not walked in her shoes...I am just there to remind her that I love her and support her regardless and hope one day she will get better.
I don’t believe that you have to talk about the things that you fear or if you don’t it gives it more power. I think if you can personally acknowledge that there is something of importance and deal with it on a day to day level then this is enough. It really depends on the person and the type of personality they have and what type of situation that they are facing in their lives. As everyone knows by know I had a horrible childhood and have had a difficult time talking of it and mostly the only place I have spoken of it is here and to my therapist. Of course my mom knows and my family knows I was "molested" but nothing else. I don’t feel the need to lay it all out to everyone or to speak openly of it. It was in the past and I am trying to deal with, I think I deal with it very well actually. Never have I considered it a "dirty little secret", it is something very personal to me and I have the power to choose when I want to talk about it and when I don’t. There is no fear there what so ever. What I can say I do fear is my heart disease and MSA and what it is doing to my body and life but, this is the only thing and I believe is pretty common with major diseases.
I believe everyone has to find their own way of dealing with their demons so to speak. For some voicing their fears, past hurts/traumas could be detrimental to them as it would make it real again. For others, talking is very good therapy. Artists express their feelings through their works of art and very rarely know how to communicate effectively with words.
I don’t know if this makes any sense at all....I am just trying to say it depends on the person.
I haven't really worked out what I think on this yet, but something Elisha said gave me an idea and it links with something I've started doing again recently and posting on these boards. Elisha mentioned how "Artists express their feelings through their works of art and very rarely know how to communicate effectively with words." I used to write a lot, and it really helped me. (It also sometimes scared the heck out of me...). Well, I don't really know what a lot of my fears are. Yes, bad things have happened to me ... but as with Elisha, I'm not sure these things make me *afraid* as such anymore. I just know that the only times I've come close to giving a picture of how my fears work and how difficult it feels to get back to living sometimes is in some of my poetry. So here's one of those poems...
The Village Idiot’s Roses
I was always at home with my mirror,
My own terror, still terror,
And my backward woven life,
Looking inside outwards,
Breathing in scents and other's compliments,
Blowing out flowers. My face is a mirror
To the moon. But, O Mother, look,
Look what hid behind my mask,
Look what my skirts are made of. --
Black sky, black crepe.
Blow, Mother, blow. -- Those roses still burn
On my window sill, still rearrange my air,
Pierce protective circles, protective fear.
They point towards my darkling eyes,
Thorn flickers. They needle me.
They have swapped their eyes for pins in this village.
It hurts to weave. It hurts to sigh.
It hurts to watch them watch,
And think they know me. They call me mad,
Whispering sentences, and never stop
To question him, down by the pond,
Collecting pins. They simply laugh
To see him bent on sharpest reds.
They stole the magpie's eyes,
Plucked mine off the cloth, and spun them round.
Scenes unravel to a nothing wrap.
Smoke unravels over blackening bowls.
The villagers lend their looks, their tongues,
Their 'phones. I heard them
Backwards when I was alone.
Twelve ******s won’t let me go back.
Go back to that fire. -- It won’t burn away.
Go back to the pond. -- These tears
Can’t drown a nothing man. Poor fool.
And I have pricked my finger on these roses,
Here, behind these walls, behind these thorns,
And strangely careful shadows,
To die in fairy-tale again. And I’m so tired
Of deaths, this breathing in and in,
That I could sleep. If I could sleep.
Rosie, my mother is much like you in the respect that her thoughts and feelings go into poems. She is a very good writer but doesn’t communicate verbally so well. My mom grew up in a very repressed family situation. My family is Italian and grandma is Sicilian, strictly has a personal policy of not talking about any situation after it has happened. My mom fought to be more open with my brother and me but sometimes what you are taught as a child is very difficult to overcome. I will post one of her poems in the positive thread so you can see how she writes...
Stronglady, I want you to know that I was not at all offended or put-off by your post. Sometimes it is good to have a post that really makes you think and reflect on your feelings and thoughts. Even though it strains my brain now-a-days...
Hi Vic, I agree that you are incredibly brave and are NOT a weak person. I cannot imagine a mother knowing about something like that happening and not doing something to prevent it or protect their child.
I understand your fear of "him" finding you as we left Kansas City as soon as we could so my stepfather couldn’t find us. My mother was very paranoid that he would make good on his threats and find us and harm us. For me this was a real fear also for many years but subsided after being in one place for a long period of time and knowing that I would never let him hurt me again even if he did come here.
Your a strong person Victoria, and despite the horrors that were done to you and the neglect of your mother you have made a life for yourself. You have a career to be proud of which not very many people can mind you and a wonderful supportive relationship with a great guy. Your not that little girl anymore...yes, she is still in there and you (and me too) need to learn how to heal the damage that has been done so you can live in peace with yourself. Your doing that by going to counseling and taking care of your mental health with medication...are you still doing yoga? Helps with anxiety you know But I think once you feel more at peace with yourself and have dealt with these issues some more in therapy you may be ready to face them legally, if that is the road you want to take.
Post Edited (Joan M) : 8/12/2006 11:52:09 AM (GMT-6)
Prosecuting for sex crimes (child or adult) does have a statute of limitations on them if you reside in the United States. There is a bill before Congress now to change this and to make it so there is no limitation on reporting these types of crimes and being able to prosecute the people who commit them.
I cant speak for the UK as I am not familiar with the laws there…they may not have a statute of limitations on these type of crimes.
Dear Rosie (and all of you in this thread)
What wonderfully brave and valorous women we have here - reading all the posts makes me realise how much stronger we actually are to be able to go beyond all the fears which threaten to paralyze us each day - some real and some the tricks of our minds but all as challenging and threatening just the same. I think the fact that we are able to thrive and Rosie in your case take care of the needs of others despite these makes this group of people even more incredible and strong in my book. I have no explanation for why things are more challenging for some people like us and it sometimes drives me crazy wanting to hear from somebody up there - why me why me why me - it is like a litany in my brain sometimes !
After some therapy - both with my therapist and some spiritual learning - I have also been trying to face my fears a little more rationally - but alas so far I still keep slipping back into old negative thoughts - they have been with me for so long it is really difficult to not indulge in them. But I refuse to lose hope for the future and will persist.
Rosie - I am in the healthcare profession too and have realised that taking care of other people can sometimes be a challenging but also satisfying experience. How do you think your profession has affected you as a person ?