I wish that I could say that the stories I write are of a positive nature. The stories I write are in my head. The stories are almost always aimed at destroying my devoted and supportive wife. You see,even after 24 years of marriage, and absolutely no evidence of wrong doing on my wife's part, I can still fabricate the accusation of infidelity. Like a lot of people I came from a militarty family. The world is filled with stories of "dear John" letters and being raised in that enviroment exposed me and others to the ugliest side of lonelieness and fear. I have tried to seperate my wife and her loving care of me from my past, but when I'm in a "low" mood the lines grey and disappear. I have accused her endlessly of being unfaithful and despite that she's stuck it out with me. Now as our children are moving on to college and out of our house the distractions of our family have given way to the realization that if I don't solve this mania I will ruin the rest of not only my life but the life of the woman I truly love. As I said in my first message I quit drinking. My family has a long history of alchololism on both sides of the tree. My mother has been dry now for 21 years and my grandparents all died of alchohol related diseases.
This is a rambling message and I'm not really sure where I intend this to go but I know I have to start somewhere. In reading some of the other posts I have to admit My problems seem miniscule by comparison.
Thank you for the words of support and acceptance. In reading some of the other posts I have to admit Myproblems seem miniscule by comparison.
Thank you Rosie and Victoria,
I do realize that it's a mistake to use other peoples notes as a yard stick to down play what's happening in my head. I am currently seeing a counselor and have been on the weelbutrin for about 3 months. The worst times for me are late in the day when I'm tired and worn out. Even if I don't get up every hour or fix on " the stories " all night long I never seem to get enough sleep. When I do finally do fall into a deep sleep it's time to get up. Sleep meds have been tried with the morning after being worse than no sleep at all (groggy and unable to focus). I do have a fear of having to take meds to sleep for the rest of my life. The first response to myself in any of the situations I find myself dealing with in my life, and in particular my wife, is how selfish my actions are. The selfishness then leads into the blame game which then turns everything in to my fault. Since everything is my fault I have no one to blame but myself. In response to being completely to blame I then try to punish myself by " writing stories" that include the most rediculous accusations supported by evidence combed out of the smallest discrepancy in my day to day life. It has been just two days since I joined this group and I know that I have a lot of work ahead but sometimes (like last night) I so desperately want to be the man I know I am it physically hurts. My wife listened and let me talk but I also know that it isn't good for her to have to fall asleep every night with my pain as her last input from me. She does monitor this site and at times it is an influence on my honsety (to myself) but the reality is that nothing I say here hasn't already been said at sometime to her. With that said, I'm committed to finding the solutiuon, using what ever tools I can find. As I was getting ready for work this morning I realized that I have always thought of being "The man she married" as being better than who I am now. Stripping away the behaviours, which have always been there, I am a more accomplished individual now than then. I have survived down sizing of a corporation, the theft of a business segmant that I grew with my own two hands, and the very competative market in which I work as I developed my own company. So on that positive note I will close and get to work.
Thank you for your support and positive feedback
Hi UFIXEDIT, glad you came back. I think it is very powerful for you and your wife to be here together. If she has stuck by you through as much as you say, I don't think you have to be worried about your honesty here. This is a place that you can "lay it all out" because we are here to help. I can't speak for anyone else but it seems like you may need to be here more than perhaps your wife does. If it really becomes a problem that both of you are here I urge you to talk to your wife about it. Perhaps she would understand?
I have mentioned before that sometimes I get to the point where I just have to laugh. It is better than crying and has wonderful health benefits. Anyway, you typed the sentence, "Like a lot of people I came from a militarty family" and then talked about Dear John letters and other issues that can be prevalent in the military. I know that it was just a typo but it cracked me up. I am an old military wife, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Laughter is the best policy and you made my day. ....militarty
We all come here because we have something to share and need to either get or give support and acceptance. You have something positive to bring to this place, please keep coming back.