I want to thank everyone for your responses. They really do mean alot to me. The truth is, I am causing my own lonely and depression. I have been hugging the line of do I want to live or die for a long time. Maybe alot of people do this, I don't know. From time to time, mainly from when I had a migraine I would stop taking my anti-depressants until I got so low I thought I finally might be able to end it and then I would push myself to take my medicine and would feel better.
The last time I took my meds was the end of July. The day after the last time I spoke to my therapist. She was on medical leave and something deep inside told me I would never see her again. She was telling me that she wanted me to see a therapist friend of hers to make sure I had someone to talk to and I just shut down. I started crying and told her please I don't want to lose you. She started crying and said she didn't want to lose me either...I haven't taken my medicine since. She died two weeks ago. I am seeing her friend and finally opened up to her the last visit.
I am going to church tomorrow morning. I tried Saturday night service, but only 20 or so people were there so it was more like a bible study and since I have been gone for a couple of years it just felt wierd. My daughter gets off work at 7:30AM after working at the hospital all night. She said she will try and go with me. Maybe it will help. My mouth is still pretty sore, so won't be able to sing to much...
I know I should take my meds. I shouldn't cut or burn myself. I should want to live. I don't know whats wrong with me. I had so much abuse in my life that is done, it's over, but I feel worse now then I think I did then. I don't remember feeling much then. I just hate feeling like this all the time. My one time when I get away from it lately is work. I go into work mode and know I need to lead a team to get our project accomplished. I just do it and push the feelings away. By the time I get home I am exhausted. Can't keep the face up anymore.
Sorry for rambling, thanks for listening.