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qut06
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 8/30/2006 11:27 AM (GMT -7)   
I already know the root of my probs is that I have bad self esteem and I base my self worth on people. Ive pushed a lot of ppl away from me and to be honest I dont blame them. I have associates but no one I can really talk to anymore. I have to admit Ive been self medicating (drug use...but nothing serious) for a few yrs and lately its been really bad. But its better than the pain I feel.
Even tho a lot of ppl think Im attractive I feel like the most unattractive person in the world. Inside and out. I cant hold a relationship because I am super jealous and emotional. I feel like anyone is better than me so why would they stay with me? I know I have issues. I just want to fix them and make them go away. Ill be 25 yrs old in Nov and I really just want to be healthy so I can have my first healthy relationship. But I dont think Im capable of being loved so I dont even try anymore.
Im not sure about the rest of you but I feel really guilty sometimes because I feel alone and unloved when I know I have ppl that love me. Like my mother and sister. Its just never enough.
I am sorry for rambling. I dont have anyone to talk to about these things and I really hope my posts arent misunderstood for being self absorbed. I just really need some support.

bluemeanies
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 1372
   Posted 8/30/2006 1:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi. I have a self esteem issue too. I have great confidence in myself at work but none in my personal life. I have three close friends and that's it. I do not date and am divorced. I do not have family support and over the years I have learned to be my own best friend and enjoy being alone. I know I can show love but I am not sure someone can love me the way I think they should. I know I can be loved on some level, my son and my cats love me but I doubt I will ever be in a relationship again. And I'm ok with living alone. I would suggest talking to a counselor, it may help you put this in perspective. I hope you are feeling better soon.

IFIXDIT
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 8/30/2006 10:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, The root of just about all my problems are just as you describe. In my good mind I know that I am a good person, loving father and an excellent husband. But when I let my bad mind loose I am the scum of the earth. No one would ever find me attractive, interesting or lovable. Fortunately for me I have a wife that see's through my self defacement and loves me anyway. the guilty feelings are just our minds giving us the perfect excuse for our thoughts. I (we) need to justify our thoughts by pushing people away to prove they don't love or care for us. We are testing them whithout giving them the syllabus to study. No one ever passes a test their not allowed to prepare for. Let alone even knowing that it is a test. I have to thank you for helping me clarify some thoughts that have been swirking in my head for a long time. I too self medicated. Alchohol in my case. I've stopped drinking and when I realized that the problems didn't go away. They just got worse. You also said you don't think that someone could love you " the way you feel you should be". In my case even with constant work on the subject I still don't have a clear idea of what I feel being loved is. It's physical, it's emotional and something akin to confidence in being accepted for who I am. Please understand that I have wonderful, caring and supportive wife. The feelings of "un love" are in my head. It takes an icredible person to be o.k. with being alone. It terrifies me more than anything else in this world. There I've rambled myself and I hope I said something that helped you. It did me. Take care, Jer

qut06
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 8/31/2006 5:17 AM (GMT -7)   
^^ Wow...thats something. I never thought about the fact I push ppl away as testing them. But you are right.
Ive tried to stop self medicating but Ive become dependent. I cant handle a bad day without it. But I dont think its serious enough to get help for.
Im just a mess right now.

wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 8/31/2006 8:10 AM (GMT -7)   

When you "can't handle a day without it," or a week, then you need outside help.  I self-medicate, too, with caffine and tobacco - should quit both, but haven't, so I do understand your addiction.

Lots of agreement on the "pushing people away" syndrome, part of Prove That You Love Me.  Will they stay after you repeatedly dump on them?  Misconseption is that they will if they truly love you.  Like packing sand down rat holes, the longer they stay the more you dump till eventually both are destroyed.  Co-dependent.

There is help out there.  Check with your local Mental Health Association about affordable choices.   :-)


qut06
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 8/31/2006 8:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Thats def true. My ex told me that everyone has a breaking point and he has reached his with me. When I get angry I say things to hurt him because I feel like crap. Even your family cant withstand that kind of pressure. No one wants to be around a person they feel the constantly have to prove themselves too. Thats why I think Im going to just be alone until I fix my issues.
about the self medicating...well. I think Ill feel stupid going to get help just for weed. Some ppl have other serious addicitions.

mandi2006
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 8/31/2006 12:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi. I'm new here and I just want to say I know EXACTLY how you feel! I've had a whirlwind of a life since I hit 17 (haven't we all...) I can tell you from personal experience that I know it is true when they say you push people away to test them. I have MASTERED that skill. Honestly, I don't know why I do it. You would think since I've acknowledged that I do it, that I wouldn't do it anymore but I do. I've been in and out of therapy and it all comes back to "abandonment" for me. I fear that the people I care about are going to leave me (this is due to my father and step-father) so therefore to put myself in "control" I do whatever I can to make them leave me first when all I really want to happen is for them to stick around and work through it with me. My mom has been a great help (to the extent I've let her help) and I have a best friend who was the one to call me out on this and we have been friends for 7 years now and she still helps me through my "moments". I was never in a serious relationship because I didn't love myself. I went through a cocaine addiction about 5 years ago and was able to get through it. That was self medicating and you need to get to the root of the problem so you won't have to feel like you need to self-medicate. I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago and I realized at that point that I finally loved myself enough to let someone love me. Don't feel like someone won't love you, they will and probably already do. You have to love yourself first. You have to be happy with yourself before anyone else can be happy with you. It's weird to me at times but it all makes sense. Once I stopped punishing myself and allowing myself to be happy, things started falling into place. Now don't get me wrong, this was not done all by ME. I have therapy, I'm on Lexapro, and I make myself work through my bad days instead of laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself. It's a very hard process and I'm here if you need someone to talk to. It's hard to talk to with someone who hasn't personally experienced it (atleast that is my opinion). I always feel like everything happens for a reason and I know that the reason I had to go through all of that "CRAP" is to be able to help someone else. I'm sure everyone in here will offer advice and listen so if you need it, just ask. I can tell you I'm already feeling better today just by posting this. So, to keep from rambling - I already am, learn to love yourself. Don't worry about being alone, that is the best time to get to know yourself and what you enjoy. I found out that I didn't need a guy to tell me I was beautiful, I just needed to tell myself and that made a world of difference in my life.

qut06
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 8/31/2006 1:05 PM (GMT -7)   
^^ Thank you for the advice. I know you explained some ways to love myself but I cant seem to do it. When I tell myself Im pretty I feel like Im lying. When I was modeling it was worse cause ppl would tell my Im attractive and I wouldnt feel it. Or on the flip side they would point out every lil thing that was wrong with me. I seriously think that modeling made my self esteem worse. I just dont know what to do. Ima try and talk to someone again. The last therapist I went to was beggining to help me a lot. I know this sounds terrible but I feel like if I go to a therapist and take meds then I am confirming how insane I am. I hope that makes sense to someone else besides me.

mandi2006
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 8/31/2006 1:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh my gosh. I completely understand. Now I'm no model, that I can tell you, but believe me, regardless of looks, I'm sure you are beautiful inside. I found that removing myself from situations that don't help my self esteem to work. I don't go to clubs anymore. I used to go out all the time and found that it was killing the way I felt about myself. I had one guy come up to me once and tell me "do you know how ugly you are?" I almost died right there. I also had a guy come up to my friends and talk to them and then told them he had to go and whispered in my ear "God you are ugly". I found that if someone is telling you these things you have to look at the source. No I am not going to be attractive to everyone on this planet but the people God meant to be in my life do think I'm beautiful. It's still weird to hear it but when my boyfriend tells me that its wonderful and I swear he is the hottest guy I've ever met and I never in my life would have believed someone as attractive as him would see that in me. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. If I had my wish, no one on this earth would even know what the word "ugly" was. I'm sure it cannot be easy in the modeling industry. I think that would be the worst job to have just because you are constantly being looked at and judged as far as what will sell. I wish I could give you a hug right now and make you feel better. Just know that I've never even met you but from what you've typed I can tell you are a beautiful person inside. That's what matters!!!

mandi2006
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 8/31/2006 1:41 PM (GMT -7)   
I meant to also say that I understand not wanting to confirm the insanity. But you are not insane, you are a normal person with normal problems. I feel like every person is going to go through this, some more so than others. I used to feel like because I was on medication that it made me weird or crazy or not normal. That is not the case. You are a functioning person because you made the choice to get better. If you were going through this and didn't seek help, then that might not be normal. If you feel this way, you need to seek help from a therapist. You may not even need to be on medicine and if you do it may not even be a permanent thing. I was under the impression that I would be on medication for the rest of my life but that is not true. If I do what I need to do to get myself better then I can be off the medication. Not sure if that helps but wanted to let you know that it does make sense and you're not the only one to think that.

qut06
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 8/31/2006 4:51 PM (GMT -7)   
That was really sweet. Thank you. Its good to know someone else can relate.

mandi2006
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/1/2006 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
You are very welcome. I know I did and still do need to talk about it and there have been a few people in my life strong enough to listen and be there for me. I'm just glad you are allowing yourself the opportunity to talk to someone about it.

qut06
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 9/1/2006 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   
If you ever need to talk Im here for you too! I was gonna private message you but I cant figure out how to do it. Anyway thanks for the kind words. That really made me feel better.

H8NLIFE
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/3/2006 2:30 AM (GMT -7)   
mandi2006 said...

 I found that removing myself from situations that don't help my self esteem to work. I don't go to clubs anymore. I used to go out all the time and found that it was killing the way I felt about myself. I had one guy come up to me once and tell me "do you know how ugly you are?" I almost died right there. I also had a guy come up to my friends and talk to them and then told them he had to go and whispered in my ear "God you are ugly".
 
Something like this is totally reprehensible. There is no reason one person should treat or act towards another in this fashion. What motivates situations like this I will never know.
 
I am new here and was just surfing through. I so hope your self esteem is not damaged. Maybe they were upset that you would not pay them the attention they thought they deserved. Since I have begun to come to grips with my problems, I see people in a different light and most of them I am sorry to say are not very sensitive of others.
 
I am so sorry that you had to endure situations such as you described.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/3/2006 5:08 AM (GMT -7)   

Mandi,  I am so so sorry!  Never in my life have I ever been so cruel to someone and cant image being like that.  You seem to be a very beautiful person by the way you post on the inside...and I am sure this radiates to the outside.

I would rather be ugly on the outside of me any day than to be an ugly person on the inside like these guys who have said these hateful things to you. nono


Elisha

Co~Mod: Depression

Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


mandi2006
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/5/2006 12:56 PM (GMT -7)   
I appreciate the kind words. I'm okay. I've been through alot worse, those were just some of the nicest meanest things that have been said/done to me... I surround myself with people who love me now and I know that I'm a good person who tries to treat people nice. Thank you again. I really am glad I have a place to talk about these things now. Sometimes I tend to bottle it up and it's hard on my heart when I do that.

mandi2006
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/5/2006 12:56 PM (GMT -7)   
I appreciate the kind words. I'm okay. I've been through alot worse, those were just some of the nicest meanest things that have been said/done to me... I surround myself with people who love me now and I know that I'm a good person who tries to treat people nice. Thank you again. I really am glad I have a place to talk about these things now. Sometimes I tend to bottle it up and it's hard on my heart when I do that.
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