Awake All Night Again And Wondering

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H8NLIFE
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/3/2006 3:13 AM (GMT -7)   

Post Edited (H8NLIFE) : 10/13/2006 10:16:32 AM (GMT-6)


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/3/2006 4:12 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi H8HLIFE, First let me welcome you to healing well forum.  We are very happy to have you join our community here.  Thank you for being so candid in your post...I know it is difficult to reach out to strangers.

I am sure that you know that alcohol works in the body as a depressant.  So if you have just recently come to the realization that perhaps your facing major depression and anti-social traits then perhaps therapy would work better for you now than it did in the past since your not drinking.  I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist as they are qualified to diagnose these types of disorders and prescribe a regime of medication that would work the best for you (hopefully). 
Please do continue to post and let us know how you’re doing...take care


Elisha

Co~Mod: Depression

Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 9/3/2006 9:55 AM (GMT -7)   
H8NLIFE said...
I am not sure how to express myself here, guess I am looking for something that may not exist. I have come to discover (after forty years of alcohol abuse and recent interaction in AA) that my problem seems to be some type of depression that I cannot get a grip on. I believe it began in my early teens as I now realize I was very anti-social. I had (I thought) an above average childhood and was loved by my parents. I have never had more than one or possibly two close friends at a time and recently desire no social contact at all. I very seldomly leave the house, am unable to work and am supported by my wife of the last thirty-five years.
 
I have previously sought professional help but it didn't seem to answer my problem(s). Constant negative reactions to medications and an unsuccessful attempt at self destruction has not helped the situation either. My physician started me on CELEXA some years ago, but it only addresses anger and not the depression. I sit in the house, sleep during the day and sit awake most of the night. The depression has taken a toll on my physical health also.
 
All I see in my future is awaiting death. The only bright spot I have is my grandaughter. I constantly think of the release death would offer but a statement by my physician saying that you were very lucky not to wake up a vegaetable has pretty much shoved that idea to the back of my mind. 
 
While I have health insurance, mental health care is very expensive and as I have found over the years not very helpful.
 
For some reason, I am unable to show love or emotion either to my wife or children. She has stayed by me all this time and I have hurt her in so many ways (emotional not physical).
 
How do others cope (as I am assurredly not alone with this condition-hopefully)?

You have come to the right place.  We all understand the effects that depression can have in someone's life.  My personal opinion is that you have to be able to look at the situation honestly and be willing to take charge of your life in order to deal with depression.  It is a desease that will take you over if you don't take charge of it.  You have made some positive first steps but if one med didn't work you have to keep  working with your doctor to find the answers for you.  This will most assuredly NOT get better if you do nothing. 
 
You are lucky that you have a doctor who is willing to be "brutally" honest with you in a way that made sense to you.  You are right, suicide is not the answer.  On this site you will find a lot of support and understanding, many many personal stories that you can relate to and so many people who care.  Hopefully you will find that you are not alone.  All of these things go a long way toward helping us all to cope.  You still have to be willing to do the work. 
 
In my experience there was a difference between the treatment that I received from my primary care physician and the care that I recevied from a psychiatrist (pdoc).  My PCP was wonderful and wanted to be understanding but when I saw a psychiatrist I found someone who really "got it" and knew the latest in treatments and had alternatives when something didn't work.  I was lucky that we found a treatment that was right for me in a short amount of time.  There are many people here who have struggled for years, take a cocktail of meds and are still working.  The point is that they are still working and you can too. 
 
If you don't have a pdoc, find one.  If you do have a pdoc, call him/her because you have to take action in order to improve.
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


missie1227
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 751
   Posted 9/3/2006 8:51 PM (GMT -7)   
hi hating life----
 
you did nt mention if you had any hobbies or what you like doing other than what you have been doing....i have tons of problems also and can not afford to go to see anymore shrinks either as they charge sky high fees and my ins, well it  dont make for this so i rely upon my php to give me meds also but he cant listen to me for an hour either, heck i am lucky if i can talk to him for 5 min as he breezes in and out and wantsto know what is wrong and uses his script pad  like a cowboy would use a gun, he whips it out faster than you can blink an eye.....
but he is a good doc compared to some i seen and been with.
 
i have seen 29 shrinks over the past 30 years or so. they offer some advice but mostly it is  hummmmmm well why do you feel thatway about this? or why do you think that?
a bunch of whoey most of them, looking attheir clocks while they talk to you so it makes me thing thst they are waiting for their hour of 50 min to be up already..
mostly what i learneed was self taught from going to book stores and reading self help books or joining support groups for peeps in similar situations.
 you have to keep the faith witin yourself.
you have to learn to love yourself ( VERY HARD FOR ME TO DO)
you have to learn forgiveness and be kind to yourself.
 and you have to assocaite with nice people.
we have to do one nice thing a day for someoneelse or for ourselves
 but dont give up the faith. and i come here to rant and rave and i have tons of postings about waht a rotten deal i got with my family.....
 
try to have a better day than today and remember EACH DAY IS A NEW DAY

ps- can you get back in to AA? for support?


9-02 crash w/ C-5-6-7 anterior/posterior fusion in neck w/11 screws and 4 metal plates. multilevel HNP at T & L section. FMS, PA in dec 05. on SSDI after 2.5 yr wait. sezuires, CTS, IBS ( C & D). norco, xanax, predisone shots. i dont know what else is wrong with me and neither does anyone else!!!


missie1227
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 751
   Posted 9/9/2006 4:21 PM (GMT -7)   
oh and by theway ---
 
i too, had been in a psy ward for a week also back in 2000, feb when i tried to take too many pills so as not to wake up from my life b/c i had enough with it all, when my ex called the police on me after i sounded funny over the phone and he knew something was up with me and called 911, they came and got me and put me in the  ambulance and wanetd to pump my stomach.
 
i agreed to voluntary stay for a few days which turned into a week. and attended all the meeting and some silly groups, some good, some meaningless art groups, so that i could some how reconnect again with the world.
 
i saw lots of dysfunctional people from there who for one reason or another from all walks of life, wanted to quit life. wondering why on my part everyone in there wanted to do the same thing i wanted to do, why was everyone there so disenfranchiesed with the world/themselves as it is?
 
good question, i still dont know exactly why myself what my expectations are /were also, and doubt if i will ever know, all i know is that i do not fit in and am different.
if i were ever to try to leave this world again, i will not be interrupted next time. you are not alone, i figured it this way, a heck of alot of people just flat out do not care who work within the psy community maybe they are burned out, or seen to much dispair.
this applies to shrinks also, i can tell you from my own account that my brother who is 3 yrs older than myself, became a clinical psy in chicago some 15 yrs ago but for commiting sexual abuse on more than one female, lost his liscense for up to 4 yrs from 1999-2004 for the infractions.
 
so therefore, not only b/c of him, but b/c of other shrinks i have come to know, they are one type of VERY dysfunctional set of group of people in their own rights, so if you are going to ask them waht is wrong with you, and they respond with hummmm why do you think this way about yourself it is simply b/c they themselves do not know waht is wrong with themselves to begin with so dont feel badly about it. i found more correct info from self help books and -group support  from lay people than ever with professionals
EVER. so maybe this can give you some understanding of how thing are the way they are....
 
9-02 crash w/ C-5-6-7 anterior/posterior fusion in neck w/11 screws and 4 metal plates. multilevel HNP at T & L section. FMS, PA in dec 05. on SSDI after 2.5 yr wait. sezuires, CTS, IBS ( C & D). norco, xanax, predisone shots. i dont know what else is wrong with me and neither does anyone else!!!


wmnak
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 9/10/2006 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I hear your anger ... despite costs and previous experiences, get back into the system and keep at it till you get some help for it.  Medication, talk therapy, whatever it takes ... and get back into AA, too.  It was beneficial, why would you deny yourself that benefit?
 
Rehabing cars is a terrific motivator - instant (or almost) gratification for your hands-on effort.  I strip and refinish furniture; same purpose, same result, plus I've a houseful of gorgeous pieces that were inexpensive to buy.  It's a solitary endeavor, but that's ok with me... the result is the reward.
 
Grandchildren are a blessing; Greatgrands, too!  I Do Hope you get off your rear when that granddaughter visits!  She will remember walks around the neighborhood, trips to the park, going to DQ for ice cream with you.  For her to visit and watch you sitting, all glum and withdrawn, is no fun for either of you... not a happy memory.  Make her world better than yours was.  Checkers? Old Maid?  A squeal of joy will make your day.
 
You have managed to beat the drinking, an admirable feat for anyone, especially for you since it had been your comfort zone for so many years.  You can get a handle on this, too.  As you said early on, some of us are old enough to have learned not to mince words, to look at situations/feelings straight on and deal with them.   Good luck - let us hear from you...   :-)

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/10/2006 9:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi missie & H8NLIFE, I cant speak for the experiences that you both have went through being in mental hospitals voluntary or not.  Every one of us at one time or another has had a bad involvement with a doctor or counselor.  I would like to think I have some actual familiarity with this as I have worked in the mental health field for many years.  I managed several psychiatric health care facilities that some of the most severely mentally ill resided in.  This was an alternative for them instead of living in the state hospital.  I worked closely with psychiatrists, caseworkers (both state and private) and counselors. Yes, it is very easy to get burned out when your working in this type of field but it takes a very special person to do this kind of work and a lot of dedication.  It is mentally draining and depressing and often times you take a lot of abuse from your clients.  There were a few co-workers that I had run into that were dispassionate, cold and uncaring and these were the ones who never stayed long and didn’t make it very far in the field.  The biggest ones I worked with really cared about what they were doing and believed it in.  You have to believe in what your doing to be able to continue in the mental health field.  You can’t just go through the motions.  

If you going off of an experience you had in a psychiatric hospital then I can say they were most likely under staffed due to funding cuts...thanks to the federal government.  In recent years the mental health system has taken some pretty hard hits due to little funding.

So what I am trying to say is that they are not all bad. 


Elisha

Co~Mod: Depression

Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


missie1227
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 751
   Posted 9/10/2006 5:00 PM (GMT -7)   
I will not again go into another psy ward should the situation arise for THEM to HELP me.
 
I have seen all the docuedramas and nova programs about how people live or are warehoused in these insititutions and i will not have any part of that again, like in 2000.
 
i am only saying that the caretakers ofthose who wantto leave this world are no different or better in my opinion, than those ofthe patients they deal with for the most part. there are reasons whythey chose to go into these fields, i know b/c i interviewed nearly all of them why they chose to go into the field they do their answers ranged from money, b/c they themselves ahd dysfunctional lives and wanted to figure out themselves, and/or wanted an interesting career.
 
but science doesnt know enough about the brain and why people do and act the way they do.
all they can do is try to treat organic malfunctions with meds and talk therapy or beh mod, like jung and skinner.
 
it is about QUALTIY of life.
 

Missie, I am sorry but I have had to edit your post due to forum rule #1 no discussions of suicide. Thank you ~ Elisha

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 9/29/2006 4:35:56 PM (GMT-6)


wmnak
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 9/11/2006 8:49 AM (GMT -7)   
So many excuses for inaction .. comments by others, money, time, health, motivation .. all undoubtedly valid.  I'm sorry you have so little energy to devote to making your life better.  Even isolating yourself in a rural area would take considerable planning to overcome obstacles.  Are you up for the challenge?
 
Perhaps just being in a housefull of females is an issue, too?  All those hormones floating around, lol.  I'm older than you and Know! for a fact! that 24/7 with husband, soninlaw, spouse/live in/ bf of 3 granddaughters, plus great grandsons, would drive me round the bend ... way too much testosterone. 
 
I hope you don't give up.  I hope you get some help to feel better.  I hope you'll be there and feel like being chauffer for Brownie Scouts and swim teams.  I hope you'll be shouting from the stands at girl's soccer meets.  Like it or not, accept it or not, you certainly seem to have a purpose with/for this child that no one else is able to fill... or do you resent that, too?
 
Your strength in overcoming alcohol addiction tells me you are capable of accomplishing what you think is important.  Hope you feel better soon.  Let us know what you decide.   :-)    

4eversadness
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/13/2006 4:49 PM (GMT -7)   
i understand alot of what ur going through i have sufferend from depression for a long time too and it didn't have that i was in and out of hospitals for another medical condition. i thought and still somtimes do how much it would be better for myself and others if i wasn't here anymore but then i realize how much i would miss my family. i have tried doctores and meds but nothing really seems to help all they do is confuse me more or end up making me feel more depreesed because they only see things their way and try to make you see it also. sometimes though is does make me feel better just telling people how i feel not really needing a resonse just letting things out. it might not be a long time better but it helps me get through things at least for a little bit. i just hope things work out for you

missie1227
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 751
   Posted 9/14/2006 12:43 AM (GMT -7)   
yeah- hating life-i had the 'tough love' approach from nearly everyone in my family which to my mind was the wrong approach...it further alienated me from family  and the world and left me thinking i was better off alone ....i just never had the kind of family life that wanted to get invloved or anyone who cared enough to bother to get  invloved with me even at an early age.
 
i think this may be why i turned out the way i did. but it matters not anymore as what is done is done. i cant help but beleive that it takes more than one person to make a dysfuntional family.
there are always more people involved  than will admit to.
but it makes no difference to me now.
 
i think things really went down hill for my family when the grandparents all died off then everyone ( adult children)were out for the money and no one frankly gave a dam anymore about any one but themselves/what they wanted and the money left behind, they ( the grandparents) were the glue that held the family together, when they went, so did everything else.
 
when you marry into another family we are not always excepted. i found that out also. outsiders who are viewed from jealous siblings, mean mother in laws who dont want to let go, and all around trouble makers.
 
it is no wonder why people want to move away and be bythemselves to live their lives with their partners alone. it used to be the nuclear family stayed closer together even after once maried to support each other but that goes out the window once the person marries someone no one likes or wanted in the family, it is called rejection.
9-02 crash w/ C-5-6-7 anterior/posterior fusion in neck w/11 screws and 4 metal plates. multilevel HNP at T & L section. FMS, PA in dec 05. on SSDI after 2.5 yr wait. sezuires, CTS, IBS ( C & D). norco, xanax, predisone shots. i dont know what else is wrong with me and neither does anyone else!!!


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 9/26/2006 11:19 PM (GMT -7)   
H8NLIFE said....
 
where did i miss my connection?
 
Perhaps your "connection" is yet to come.
It's all about choices ...
 
You'll probably be on this planet another 20 or 30, even 40 years.  Arrange those years to your liking ... where you begin making changes is your choice!  :-)
 
ps:  I have every single health issue you mentioned, plus a few.  None life threatening at the moment and nothing that prevents a little pleasure creeping in from time to time. Today is better than yesterday.  We change what we can.
 

Post Edited (wmnak) : 9/27/2006 12:30:39 AM (GMT-6)


missie1227
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 751
   Posted 9/29/2006 8:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Missie, I am sorry but I have removed your post as it didnt have anything to do with the topic of this thread and it was violating forum rules #11 of No cryptic posts.  Suicide and the "afterlife" are also not topics to be discussed on this forum please.  Thank you - Elisha
 
 
 

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 9/29/2006 4:44:08 PM (GMT-6)


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 9/29/2006 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   
H8NLIFE said
 
Another twenty years? This worn out body cannot take another twenty... sad
 
As for a connection, too old and too tired to even care anymore. Sometimes it just makes me feel good to get some of the worst parts of my life (and there are plenty) away from me and admit that I was (am) a complete failure. I have been pretending for years to be something GOD obviously did not intend for me to be.
 
She was prefect and I didn't respect her. One does not have that many chances at happiness. HE gave me a gift and I abused it (emotionally and sexually). Got what I deserved.
 
But I have also come to realize that whatever I am suffering from now (and the ulcers are starting to really kick in) is basically the same as when I was with her. I was fascinated with her then and am preoccupied with her memories now. Hell of a way to go about any type of daily routine...
 
I really do not deserve another connection. I would only screw that up.
 
Thanks for caring... And I hope your health does not keep you away from too much happiness.
See now I am thinking that you know exactly what to do.  If you are in an unfulfilling marriage you can get out of it.  You are a victim of your own choices.  You chose to stay in the marriage, you chose not to seek professional help, You chose to let your health deteriorate.  So it didn't go well, so what?! 
 MAKE SOME DIFFERENT CHOICES!!  Chose not to wallow around in a self-pity party.  Chose to live a fulfilling life in that rural environment that you want.  Chose to make your dreams come true.  It may involve you getting a job and making a commitment to yourself to live a more purposeful life but you will have to chose to do so.
I am not a religious person but several times on this thread you have referenced "the plan that God had for  you".  If you truly value the plan of God do you honestly think it was his plan for you to sit around wallowing in self-pity waiting to die? 
It is never too late to change your health and make it better but you have to chose to do so. 
What on Earth do you think you are teaching that granddaughter about living a purposeful life?  Is that the legacy that you want to leave her whenever you are no longer here? 
It is never too late to chose a better life but you have to chose to make it happen.
Please don't give me any excuses (fatigue or not)about why you can't do this.  I have been dealing with depression for many years myself, I know what depression is all about.  I also know that there are excellent mental health professionals out there because I see one.  I know that chosing to change one's life is difficult and scary and often a road we walk alone.  It is still a choice worth making.  It also takes courage.
 
Missie1227 - I don't see how you can say that you are not advocating suicide.  If your beliefs are as you say, yours and personal, I think is the height of irresponsibility to advocate those beliefs here to a person who may only need your push to do something that can never NEVER be taken back. 

Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 10/2/2006 4:26 PM (GMT -7)   
 H8NLIFE, I am 47, not that much younger than you and I too am struggling with when is the right time to make a career change.  I want to stay stable in the job I have until my kids are out of college.  Is 50 too late?  Will I find a job?  blah, blah, blah
 
It is not my intention to be insensative but I still say that fear and  "I was drunk" are simply excuses to give you permission for inactivity.  As long as you hold tight to your excuses you won't have to take the risk to be happy. 
 
As for me, I am happy.  I am married to a wonderful man, I am off medication and I have two wonderful kids.  Just because I understand depression doesn't mean that I am not happy.  Depression has never defined my life and it never will.  I don't know what you expect from life.  Life is messy, it is never going to be a piece of cake.  The only thing that makes it worthwhile is being there for each other.

Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


H8NLIFE
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 10/13/2006 6:15 AM (GMT -7)   
 

Post Edited (H8NLIFE) : 10/13/2006 10:16:02 AM (GMT-6)


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 10/13/2006 8:07 AM (GMT -7)   
H8NLIFE said...
I have arrived at a point in my life where any change will not make any difference. 
That, in my most humble opinion, is crap.
People ultimately do what they want to do, not what they say they want or what others want for, or from, them.  If change won't make a difference, then learn to be content as you are.
 
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