Am I a Puppet?

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Mandi Mayhem
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/4/2006 1:52 AM (GMT -7)   

I am not sure as to if this is the right board or not but I've seen a few topics on here that kind of fit what I am searching for. I am running out of places to look for answers to the questions I have and right now I think I just desperately need someone to talk too someone to understand me that is not inside my little "Box" like "thinking" outside the box of friends, lovers, companions. Strangers infact are a blessing a god send their views unbiest and unjudgemental because they don't know me from Adam. Here is my emotional conflict I guess you could almost say my emtional war. I am 22 years old and I feel like I'm a hundread years old, I have these issues that I either 1. can't deal with or 2. just don't deal with. I have noticed that I've gone from the care free wild jokerster to litterly becomming anti social and having a crapty (excuse my french) out-look on just about everything.

I'll go into deatail about that, when I was about 12-13 I use to have tons of friends that I ran with, well like all kids do most of them moved away, started diffrent schools or joined the military I felt abondoned by them like I had lost my image with out my friends I felt empty, and lost. I tried to redefine myself and only found myself in shark infested waters I befriended a 24 year old woman (I was still 12) she wanted to be my friend, she made me feel safe and seccure I found myself once again with her. Soon I found myself in a mess because this woman decided to show her true colors and tried to turn our relationship to a romantic twist, I was not in any way ready for that I was already confused about my sexuality I was fustrated because she was the only friend I had left I wanted to be loved by her and love her and I wanted her to never go away. Well my mom started to see red flags as did people around us well like things always do the bad just got worse, this woman got cought by one of my family members while she was doing something she should not have been doing with me. My mother flew into a rage and told the girl to leave and never come back she fled from the house and again I felt betrayed and abondoned by someone I thought loved me.

I tried to find comfort in my mother and only got called harsh names like ***** and Tramp and **** and such, she also struck me a few times I didn't know where to turn I felt so hurt and cold inside I hated them all I wanted to go away and never come back and I did just that I ran away from my home and ran back to the woman my mother had tried to keep me away from. I stayed with her for a few weeks and then had to return home but my feelings wern't the same I was so cold I hated everyone, I hated everything I started skipping school becuase the mear site of people made me fly into a rage I hated them I wanted them to feel the pain I was feeling. I guess thats when I started hurting myself because pain was all I ever felt at first it was just little things like pins under my skin and then razors and such like all people who harm themselves the little things loss their effect and I had to move on to bigger and worse things.

When I reached high school I tried to make some new friends but they where always a disapointment they would stay around for a few days and then disappear like the wind I was always getting attached to them just to lose them so finally I just stopped trying to make friends, there was only one really good friend that I kept through out the years and he was killed by a drunk driver when I was fourteen I think thats when I finally had enough and all my humanity snapped I didn't care anymore I didn't care what happened to me, or to my body or to anything around me. Nothing had meaning anymore nothing was joyful nothing was happy anymore it was just simply "Just that" I wasn't living anymore I was only surviving. Hurting myself had even lost it's effect because I never found pleasure in it anymore all pleasure was gone, I did not even feel sorrow just a feeling of nothingness...

I met the man I am now married too when I was fourteen we dated for four years before we got married, and although I feel like I have a attachment to him he says that he feels like I am not very attached to him and honestly it scares the hell out of me because I think of the future and the thought of him leaving me does not even effect me. I don't cry I don't morn what I may lose I am just like "If he is going to leave then leave don't kill me making me wait for you to leave" or some stupid crap like that. When we first got together I still hurt myself as much as I possabiliy can one of the good things about having a long distance relationship they can't see the harm you inflict on yourself and you always stop before they come to visit so they can't acuse you or judge you for anything.

I can't function like this anymore, I am not living I am surviving it's no longer a desire it's just a test of will nobody understands that they say I am just depressed or "Broken" I love that one my mother and father tell me I'm broken and need to be locked away or had my head looked at by a shrink. I just want to laugh and tell her she's the reason I can't stand on any solid ground what so ever because she made me so scared of admitting anything in my life. I don't make friends even now, everyone I meet who trys to become my friend I never let them close enough to stay for a long time I always judge them from the moment they first interduce themselves like I stamp a time clock on them to time how long it takes before they leave.

I don't cry anymore and when I do it isn't because of sorrow, or pain it's fustration becuase I can't totally shut myself off from the world because my man needs me, I can't become inhumane and un touched by "empathy" I know that I hurt him and it hurts me, it's like a new way of cutting instead of self pain it's the pleasure of the pain I inflict on other people. I don't understand this and every time I look in the mirror I don't see myself anymore I see a stranger in my reflection I don't want to be a stranger anymore I am tired of mimicing my feelings I want to feel happyness, and joy. I want to meet people and not push them away because of the actions of others. Please someone anyone please tell me I am not the only one out there who has felt this detachment and that there is still hope out there for me to cling too... I am not ready to surrender just yet but I find myself losing the fight day in and day out I am becomming more and more statue like every passing hour and I don't think those close to me can take anymore pain inflicted upon them from me.

Thank you for letting me vent

Mandi Mayhem


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/4/2006 3:38 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Mandi, I see quite a bit of myself in your post.  I have often felt emotionless like I have nothing inside of me to give to someone else, unable to express it but at the same time just want to be able to have that one person I can open up and show them all the ugliness that I carry around inside of me everyday from childhood and past hurts.

From your post it seems that you didnt grow up with too much sensitivity, kindness and caring from your mother.  At least as far as the situation with the 24 year old women was concerned.  I only hope that you can look back on that now and see that she was preying on a child which makes her a child molester, and your mother instead of blaming you in part for that by calling you terrible names that no mother should ever call their daughter should of made sure that you knew it wasnt your fault.  You were 12 years old and at that age are not able to consent to a sexual relationship of any kind nor is someone of this age able to process the ramifications of such a relationship. 

Perhaps you hadnt had a good relationship with your mother from the start in which you could talk to her.  I dont know and dont want to analyze you or your past here.  But I can see where a lot of these problems would come into play if this were the case.  Especially the self-harming as you were blamed and felt that it was somehow your fault and turned inward.

There is this little saying I have always heard and never really believed it was quite true until recently..."you cant love someone else until you learn love yourself".  That is one of the most difficult things I have had to do, love myself, for who I am, what I am and what I stand for.  And to tell you the truth...I am still working on it, day by day.

I think counseling would be an excellent idea for you.  It would help you work through some of these past issues and give you coping skills for everyday life.  Then when your ready you can bring your husband into the sessions with you and you can address your marriage. 

I am sure that other members will post to you also with some other suggestions for you.  Please know that we are always here for you so feel free to post often.  Take care


Elisha

Co~Mod: Depression

Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


Mandi Mayhem
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/4/2006 5:09 AM (GMT -7)   

Els I thank you for your speedy reply and I thank you for your kind words I was a little uneasy about "airing" my dirty laundry on the internet to strangers but sometimes strangers can be a blessing a god send to some. Becuase a stranger is un biest and judgemental with only truth from the details we give them is what they based their answer on.

You addressed a few topics that I put in that one post, for the first one conserning Nichole the 24 year old. I am 22 years old now and I look back on it and I still feel that maybe she didn't do it out of malice maybe she did it out of some form of twisted love and compassion. I don't know maybe it's just my way of coping with it by making excuses for her. I know that it left it's mark on me because yes I am bisexual I do have relationships with females but they always have to be years older then me I never feel "right" with younger girls even ones that are two-three years younger then me.

I haven't ever had a relationship with my mother, she has always infact told me she loves my brothers more infact more then one time she told me the only reason that I am here on earth is because my father would have divorced her had she had an abortion when she was pregant with me. Then again my dad tells me the only reason I am here is because my mom wanted me so size that up as you will.

My mom moved us out of my home state a few months before I met Nichole because I had seen a friend of mine get raped by her brother at a sleep over it was one of the things that made me doubt humanity, mankind, that made me go numb. Pain was mistaken for love, and pleasure was pain in the raw infact in my eyes. I think thats when I started hurting myself to make all those thoughts go away. My mom kept telling me after the Nichole thing that I probly asked for what happened to me that night I saw my friend hurt and that I probly "went" after Nichole too. She told me I probly deserved being Nichole's play toy if I was going to play a woman's game then I needed to get on a woman's ground or some stupid crap like that.

I have tried the counseling thing and the first woman I went to see told me to grow up and accept the fact that I came from a broken home, she said some stupid line about "Alot of people come from broken homes it doesn't give them a right to be a **** up and ruin other people's lives in the process" I think she was talking about me *Runining* Nichole's life because my mom so thoughtly informed the shrink I was *Luring* adults into my bed like the shameless ***** that I was.

The last professional that I went too was in high school, he kicked me out of his office and pretty much told my parents that he couldn't do anything for me that I was a sick twisted demented person who would either kill herself by time I was 20 or I would be locked up in a padded cell with only my invisable friends to keep me attached to reality.

Apparently they all say I lack empathy and the main part that "makes" us human I've been called a robot and a second rate mimic of a human by my health doctor also so I have very little trust in the whole shrink aspect of things. If you really think that counseling will help me get my life back I will try it. Is there a specialist that I should look for? Someone who handels my kind of up bringing? Or just an every day shrink?


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/4/2006 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Mandi, I am so sorry for everything you have been through.  I know it is difficult to address such personal matters via the Internet to strangers...but for me this site has been very therapeutic and find that everyone is so supportive and caring.  I hope your experience here is the same and you continue to post and it helps.
 
As for the counselors you have seen in the past I think they should have their licenses taken away.  That is an abuse of power and neglect.  I worked in the mental health care field for many years and worked closely with several psychiatrists, there where things that I didn’t personally agree with but I had never seen a physician downgrade a patient in such a way.  There is no reason for that to occur.  I am sorry that it happened to you and can very much see where it would make you leery to return or reach out to them for help again.
 
It does sound as if your mom had her hand and voice in your previous counseling sessions...am I correct in this?  If so, I am thinking that perhaps this time if you find one and go on your own things will be much different.  There are psychiatrists who deal or specialize in abuse, rape, and medical problems.  However, these type of doctors are easier to find if you’re located in a bigger city.  You can call around to some private practices and see if you find one that suits you.
 
You have been through a lot Mandi, and seen things that no person should have to see or have touched them as such a young age.  It is very easy to see how you wouldn’t know how to process these things especially if you didn’t have a healthy support system at home to talk it out.  I was sexually abused by my stepfather starting at the age of 3 until I was 11.  I too often feel void of feelings or dead inside like there isn’t anything there.  I learned at a very early age to lock up my thoughts and feelings and keep very tight control on them.  My self abuse was an eating disorder in high school...I am 32 now and have over come that but the thoughts and feelings are always there.  I don’t want to make this about me but only to show the reflection in a child’s thinking and feeling.
 
I think we all just get by everyday the only way we know how.  You don’t seem to me to be “mimicking” a human or a robot at all.  I think perhaps, you have a lot of crap that has been thrown onto you twisted up inside and you don’t know how to let it out or let go of it.
 
 
 
 

Elisha

Co~Mod: Depression

Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

http://www.healingwell.com/donate

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