just... feeling strange..... this is long, sorry ) :

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michele_beth
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 9/13/2006 11:14 PM (GMT -7)   
the past about two weeks, i have been acting... different. and i just don't know why... so normally for me, i don't get out much, i don't talk to people much, and for most of my life i haven't really talked to my parents besides saying hi, how was your day and such... however, things have gotten better with my parents over the past year or so... (and also i have been dealing with depression and anxiety for years, and am now being treated) but sometimes, and what like happened the last few weeks, i just get into this mood where i just want to talk all the time, and i don't ever want to be alone, and i say things to my mom that i would usually not say... and i talk in... like a babytalk voice almost... i'm aware that i do it, like it's not like i am out of control with who i am, it's just that that's the only way i can talk to her... and i will say things sort of jokingly, which actually are HUGE issues to me, like... my mom was saying how when i was born i came out as her perfect little baby girl... and then i said, yeah, and then look what i turned into... and i said it in a way that didn't sound like i felt serious about it, and we kind of laughed about it and just kind of shrugged it off... but god it hurts so much when i do that... and anyways, so i've been just like in a talkative, more energetic, inquisitve mood, asking a lot of questions, just saying random things when i would normally keep it all in... and i sort of felt like things were different. i never really felt "happier" just more... like i needed attention and i wanted to talk and i sort of forgot about a lot of the things i normally think about... and i know i'm not explaining this well....
 
but then a couple nights ago, i just felt like something hit me... i was in the kitchen just standing at the counter, the middle of the night everyone else was sleeping, and i just felt "it" again.... that feeling of just awful dread and sadness like you just realized how awful everything really is... it just was like it all came back in that moment...i don't know what made it come on or what i was thinking about to make it come back...and now ever since i'm back to feeling how i used to feel... tonight i think is particularly not going well... just thinking constantly about whats wrong with me, this thing that my life is, it's never gone in my head it's all i think about in everything i do... and its nights like this that i think about how much easier things would be if i could just rip my brain out... somehow turn off the awareness or conciousness mechanism... and then maybe turn it on again later when things will have magically worked themselves out... i know that isn't an option, it's just so awful sometimes, i just hate it.
 
do you ever just hate life so much? and hate how you HAVE to be here and you HAVE to live, and there isn't anything you can do about it, and it's like this awful awful life sentence put upon you and you know you have so many more years to live and an eternity after that and it's so scarey and so awful........ and it's just all too much...
 i'm sorry, this is long. and it's okay if you've skimmed or not read it at all really... i just needed to write something down............. i'm sorry again, thanks for listening.

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/14/2006 2:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh Michele, my poor lovely Michele. I've done so similar to you -- right down to the baby voice -- and I *hate* it when I hear myself do that -- know it's me being uncomfortable in my own skin and it's like I'm watching myself do it and uuuurrrrggghhh!!!

Are you getting any help with this? I can't remember if you're seeing a therapist or if you're on any meds to help. If you're not on meds, I think it would really help you to get through this time, and if you are on meds maybe they need adjusting. I hate to think of you having to deal with these horrible moods and mood swings without the help you deserve.

Yes, I've done the hating life bit (and have that a bit at the moment -- though it's to do with a specific bad rather than generic). But I've also had joyful times and you and I both have to hold onto that when everything seems so awful. There's time ahead for both of us, and there *will* be joy. -- You have so much capacity for it lovely Michele.

Thinking of you hun.

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum


Sunshine Superman
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2003
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 9/17/2006 5:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Michele, hope things are a little - or a lot - better now. Certainly does seem like mood changes or swings giving you the feeling of hopelessness and despair. I've had them, still have them, alongside of grief flashes when I remember suddenly without warning, good friends or family members that I won't see again this side of The Great Beyond.

How do I cope? Listening to some of my favourite uplifting music, pop or rock. Watching a funny comedy DVD.. things like that. Even by treating myself to an ice cream or something special like a cream cake, to remind myself that things are fine with me and that I am UNIQUE not peculiar.

Speak to your doctor if you have a good sort of relationship with him or her. Or chat some more with us here. Have lots of big hugs from Superman over here in Great Britain.

Let us/me know how you are getting on. Shall keep wondering til you do.

all the best, SS (Den) x
'Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds' - Emerson

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