There is a man in a coffin and I think I should care

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ShynSassy
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   Posted 9/14/2006 4:41 AM (GMT -7)   
My father died this week. The catch to this is, I did not even know him.
I contacted him when I was in my early 20's,wanting to desperately know who he was. We stayed in contact for about a year,and then he just disappeared, yet again.
I wrote him several letters over the years,giving him my phone number,just to never hear from him.
about 5 years ago I was at the mall with my kids,he walked right past me,not even knowing who I was.
No,I do not know the circumstances. But,I do know what a hard life I had and to this day I firmly believe that if I would have had a father in my life things would have been different.
I do not plan on going to the funeral as I would not know anyone,and feel very uncomfortable as I am sure his other kids would not want me there. I would not even know the man in the coffin.
I always thought that when this day came I would feel remorse for not knowing him. But,I don't.
I tried,he threw me away to many times.
He missed out on me,I would have been a great daughter.
He missed out on his Grandchildren,they are great kids.
I missed out on a normal life,and I am not sure I have it in me to forgive him,dead or alive.
Does that make me a horrible person? Most would say that you should never speak ill of the dead,and that in order for you to heal you should forgive. I am sure that is right. But I was never given a chance to forgive as he never told me why I was not good enough to be his daughter.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


frar
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Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 365
   Posted 9/14/2006 6:12 AM (GMT -7)   
I believe that it is okay to feel or not to feel anything. If you have a minister you trust and respect you could talk with them. God bless you.
F.


els
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Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/14/2006 8:13 AM (GMT -7)   

Shy, you are not a horrible person and please do know that your feelings are very much valid.  It sounds very sad to me and I can hear your hurt about reaching out to him and being rejected time and again.  I don’t think you should look at the situation as you weren’t good enough to be his daughter or that he thought this...perhaps he had his reasons for not being in your life and unfortunaly he has taken them to his grave.  Some people are emotionally unable to validate our feelings and needs...maybe this is the case with him, I don’t know.  But I can say without a doubt that it isn’t your fault and very much so his loss.  It is okay for you to mourn your fathers passing and also for all that he never was for you.  I hope that one day you will be able to lay it all to rest in peace....Take care my friend 


Elisha

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stronglady4me
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 9/14/2006 9:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Shy, you don't owe this sperm donor anything. Let's not dignify what he did to you by calling him a father. You have always struck me as a warm and loving person. In my view, he did not deserve you, not the other way around. You did nothing wrong. I wonder though if he did this to you, if his other kids have issues with him too? Have you contacted your siblings? Perhaps they would like to know you, get to know your kids?

I have said this many times but it is worth repeating. Forgiveness in this case is not about your father, it is about you. Forgiveness does not in anyway mean that you approve of or condone what he did. It simply means that you no longer give him the power to hurt you. It also sounds to me like you don't need to forgive him so much as you need to forgive yourself. You are blaming yourself for things that were beyond your control. It is not your reponsibility that this guy was incapable of seeing what a wonderful person you were, grew into and are.
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 9/14/2006 11:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you everyone for your strong and great words.
Right after I posted this thread. I took a shower and then it hit me like a brick wall.
I have been cheated all of my life from knowing him,and know I will never get that call that I was hoping for.Or even that birthday card.
To make matters worse.I just saw the obit this morning at 7am.The funeral was today at 10am. I live 3 hrs away.
The obit listed 7 of his children. I was left out.
I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.
I know he has alot of kids,I am sure they are all mostly by different mothers.But darn it I tried.
I am angry,sad,hurt and confused.
I have never tried to contact my siblings. I was afraid since he showed no interest in me.
I do not know what my next step is...
I am thinking about going to the cemetary,at least I can do that proper thing and bring him flowers there.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


Howlyncat
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   Posted 9/14/2006 11:45 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry for all of this you have had to and are going thru Shy.........Take care....
Lyn
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stronglady4me
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 9/14/2006 3:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Shy, you will know the right thing for you to do, follow your heart. The only thing that matters now is that you are able to look yourself in the mirror and know that you did what was right for you. Go to the cemetary, contact your siblings, or not, follow your heart. Please however do not let this guy take one more minute of your self esteem, your dignity or your heart. You deserve better.
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 9/15/2006 4:38 AM (GMT -7)   
I just do not understand how a man could have a daughter and just simply not care?
Even though my ex was a bad husband,and not very good with the whole dad thing,he still loves his kids and would never turn his back on them.
I wonder how many other kids this man has running around.. I would not be surprised that there are more.
My mom told me that he is the reason she will not drink southern comfort to this day. HA
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 9/15/2006 4:56 AM (GMT -7)   
I emailed my b/f from work venting yesterday.And told him I wanted to come home,have a beer and just forget about it.He was fretting all day thinking I was going to have a major meltdown. He is not good with tears,as he claims he does not know what to say. Although he has proved that a couple times. For the most part he does a great job with me. But,I did not have a meltdown. I in fact had hyped myself up all day that I was not going to.Instead it turned out in his favor as after a few beers and me venting about the whole situation. I started in on the "you are the only one that wants me",and I hope you know how much I love you" hehe. Poor guy!
But,I did get in a statement about "but you wont marry me" And he FINALLY said. (he should have told me this awhile ago) that he did not mean that he would never marry me. He just wants to wait to make sure my credit from my ex does not screw with his credit. Because he has alot of plans for us like buying a house.
Ok,so now I feel better. This is a man that told me when we met he would never marry anyone. And now he is getting ready to buy a house because he thinks I deserve more ect ect.
I should really open my eyes sometimes.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


els
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Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/15/2006 5:22 AM (GMT -7)   

I don’t know either how a man or anyone for that matter can have a child and not care...

Shy, my mom and real father were married very young (both 18). I was born when my mom was barely 18.  My dad started to drink when he was 13 or so (alcoholic by 18 I'm sure) and was always the "bully" and was very mean and abusive to my mother.  She left him the first day he hit me at 2 & half yrs of age.  She remarried 6 months later and her new husband wanted to adopt me, he had more money than my father and made it clear that he would drag it out in court however long it took.  My dad ended up paying for the adoption.  I have no memories of my real dad from then which I guess is problem good and my mom never speaks of it.

So I grew up in the same city with my father but no contact with him at all and as time passed I didn’t remember him at all...I suppose all my memories of him were replaced with horrific ones from my stepfather...I don’t know.

My aunt, mother’s sister has always kept in touch with my real dad and when I was in my early 20's asked me if I wanted to meet him.  I knew he was an alcoholic back then but was surprised to find when I went to met him that he still was and it was quite the disappointment for me.  But I did find that I had a stepsister, 4 years younger and have kept up a relationship with her.  I didn’t want anything to do with him as long as he was that way...it brought back too many memories of my stepfather.

Another 6 years pass with no contact from him; he had my phone number and address.  Even though by this time I lived over 200 miles away from him.  When I became sick with MS and was undergoing a brain biopsy my aunt called and told him and he called my mother and asked her permission to come down here for the procedure.  I was shocked!  He had quit drinking and actually cared about me. 

That was 5 years ago.  We are still trying to form a relationship and granted it is difficult.  His reasoning for staying away was that he was abiding by my mothers wishes.  He felt that he was doing the right thing for me but since he knows everything that has happened in my life he knows how much of a mistake that was.

But I always wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten sick....

I know its not the same but it is similar in ways.


Elisha

Co~Mod: Depression

Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

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missie1227
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Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 751
   Posted 9/16/2006 7:04 PM (GMT -7)   

if it is any consolation to you if you believe in the after life, this man will come back to you in another form in your life ( maybe one of YOUR grandkids down the road) to learn how he hurt you for his lessons are not over with yet, the karma he brought to you has not left him, and he will learn of your feelings at the right time. it is usually 10 yrs or so they come back into reincarnation and usually to the person who they hurt the most in some form of embodiement.

my grandfather who hurt his daughter by doing and saying very cruel means things died in 1962 at the age of 64.

his granddaughter waited until she was 40 to have a baby and she had a boy who is the very image of my grandfather who came back with austism and is a very difficult person for them to be around their, son is a handful

and his 'grandma', the one daughter who was hurt the most, senses that this is her father returned to her to maybe learn of his 'legacy' while in a previous life time.
 
it would make sense to me for the one who has to learn his lesson has to come back into the same family to understand how their pain caused you to suffer.
 
please dont think i am a nut i am very well read on this subject and have seen it in my own family, in my own son, ( from my dad who i didnt see after i was 12 and abandoned me for drinking) who waited 10 yrs to return to me as my son in 1985, and shown me many of the charactistics that only my father did while he was alive and many of the same habits to this day he displays. there is no way  he could have known about habits or certain characterictic my dad had while alive yrs ago.
what goes around come around, and it is usually 10-12 yrs later this cycle returns if you believe, if not then okay. but this is from what i have witnessed.
9-02 crash w/ C-5-6-7 anterior/posterior fusion in neck w/11 screws and 4 metal plates. multilevel HNP at T & L section. FMS, PA in dec 05. on SSDI after 2.5 yr wait. sezuires, CTS, IBS ( C & D). norco, xanax, predisone shots. i dont know what else is wrong with me and neither does anyone else!!!


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 9/19/2006 4:56 AM (GMT -7)   
I am not sure about the reincarnation.... I can only hope no one turns out like him.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 9/19/2006 3:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Well..update on this mess.
I emailed the funeral home asking them to send me one of the folders that they give out at the funerals.
I explained a little bit on who I was and what the situation was. No details really,I was thinking it would not go any further than them.
Welp,yep you guessed it,they printed a copy of my email and gave it to his son. He said he wanted to contact me,I will see. VERY nervous about that though.YIKES
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


missie1227
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Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 751
   Posted 9/19/2006 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   
thing is about reincarnation is-they come back not as the same person but as someone in your life close to you later on to learn how you suffered from their doings before, to see the impact and know from your perspcetive.....
 
but when your kids grow up to be married and have kids of their own do not be surprised to gleem into the eyes of one of their children and say and see something there that reminds you of your dad, however, the child will not know who he was before. THEY choose the person who they want to come back AS and the person who they return through.
 
he will be different and maybe more compassionate but it is a part of learning life's lessons.
 
I asked G-d to give me a son when i was 22 yrs old, when i was ready ( my dad died  july 26 1976 from drinking b/c he married the wrong woman who drove him to it) 'when i was ready' for my dad to comeback to, I met and married at 28 had my son at 29 and knew the very min of conception july 13, 1984 and was right side from the ovary which symbolizes -male features for us females,my son was born to me march 22 1985. at first i thought nothing and felt nothing about any of this b/c i didnt know my dad that well in life since i was only 12 that last time i saw him, but he died when i was 22, he was aged 52 then.
 
then when my son was ( he refused to even get his liscense until he was almost 18 yrs old..).-18-19-20 ( he is now nearly 22 and drives okay i think) i was trying to teach him how to drive and he just couldnt get it no matter how i tried, and he took driving lessons also from professional schools and drivers ed. I used to say to myself why cant he get this? it is so easy to drive and what teen doesnt want to drive?
 
then my older brother jay who had better memoris of my dad told me that my dad -just this year mind you- had an 'irrational fear' of driving and used to have a chauffauer pick him up and drive him to work  and home again although he had his liscense and could drive when married to my mom.
 
it was not known to my brother if this was owed to my dad being drunk and having the good sense of not driving while drunk or not, but i never heard of a man who woke up drunk, but i didnt acutally know his drinking habits as i was 6 yrs old then.
 
''it was all so odd'' he wrote to me in an email when questioned about my dads behavior'' for a book i was working on about my family history in the movie business,
''he had a liscense and could drive but didnt want to drive, he used to have what amounted to as a chauffauer come and pick up him named Burt every morning and take him to work which was 20 min away and then bring him back home at the end ofthe day''.
 
my dad was a traveling salesman for the family business selling Proctor paints which was a very well known paint manufacturing company in new rochelle, NY back in the 50-60's.
 
he used to travel to different places to sell the paint for the businesss and did  very well at it from what i was told, for we had a nice home back then. my  grandpa bagan the business and had the 3 sons in family run it.
 
but my dad used to drink vodka and died an early death owed to drinking and was kicked out of the family by my mom when i was 8-9 yrs old and he lived elsewhere, began a retail paint store on his own and at first did okay, but then my brother tells me that he used to work for our dad in his store on saturdays when he was 16 yrs old and saw my father, sat in an old easy chair in the store basement and had a bottle of vodka in his hands and drunk.
 
now my kid cant or will not drive, ( unbeknownst to me all of this until this year from my brother) goes off to colllege at 18 and starts drinking while living on the campus w/ his roomies.
 
what did he used to drink? V O D K A.
 
i found out while taking him to college and he invited me to his suite and i see all these bottle of booze collecting dust on the floor and i see vodka bottles empty. So i say to him who is doing al this drinking?
he denies it of course, but i find out that it is he who likes screwdrivers and vodka.
 
i tell  my son MY DAD used to be a drunk do dont you wind up one like him used to be - BEFORE i knew my dad used to drink vodka from my brother.
and beer, (i remember my dad used to drink beer in the quart bottles while watches baseball games on tv).
 
and so now my son still cant kick this drinking habit that I or his father DID NOT MODEL for him as we do not drink
now at almost 22 he is nearly done with college.
 
he has the same mannerisms of my dad i can plainly see now from what i can remember, VERY low key, laid back, soft spoken and kinda reserved, but always trying to please others and trying to please me, his mom.
 
SAME PERSONALITY STYLE as my dad, & looks  like a dead ringer for him also but not until he hit aged 20- now.
 
i found an old photo from a cousin of my dad when he was 25 at a wedding and gave it to my son, and he flipped out and i said you look just like him, he said yes I do; and you also drink vodka like him also and you are-were fearful of driving like him also.....
 
I showed a photo of my dad to my ex-husband and he said the same to me about all this also, so it is not just my imagination at play.
I loved my dad when I had him in my life  but even though he abandoned me, I knew why and was very forgiving for him b/c my mother casued most of this to him to hurt him and to deprive me of a father so i was very sympathic to my father and hated my mother for his leaving as she kicked him out.
 
I openly wished for a son at aged 22 when he died, when i was  ready and married.
 
I beleive this then is my father come back as my son who may have favored me-or chose me to come back into as.
 
I had a terrible life after my dad left the family and went through some awful things -sexual molestation from a step father, being abandoned by my mother also, and other such stuff which left me as a victim for a long long time.
 
When my  marriage was on the rocks from my ex, my son was 7 yrs old at about the same age  i was when my mom kicked her husband  out....
 
i repeated the same things that i saw with my son BUT for the drinking part, i showed indirectly waht happened to my life and it kinda parrelled a similar situation that my son witnessed the destruction of a failed marraige, so my son  ( which could be my father) SAW what happened at an early age and experienced it himself now.
 
this is a lesson he learned comeback--how the destruction of a failed marriage at an early age can cause dysfunction growing up, which was why i failed early on after he was out of my life, no role model...
but i willl leave it up to you if you want to think about reincarnation or not, as a viable
way of people having to learn  lessons  in life....

there is a good book on this by a real psychiatrist named dr brian weiss, MD called 'many lives, many  masters'

you ought to get a copy of this book and read it


9-02 crash w/ C-5-6-7 anterior/posterior fusion in neck w/11 screws and 4 metal plates. multilevel HNP at T & L section. FMS, PA in dec 05. on SSDI after 2.5 yr wait. sezuires, CTS, IBS ( C & D). norco, xanax, predisone shots. i dont know what else is wrong with me and neither does anyone else!!!

Post Edited (missie1227) : 9/19/2006 4:57:52 PM (GMT-6)


*MovinOn*
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 9/19/2006 7:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I think that's great Shy! I think having that family connection will be great and give you alot of the answers you've been looking for. You can never have too many people to love and care for you. I'm happy and excited for you. Who knows, maybe he lives close by and you two can have a true brother-sister relationship. I think its neat. Good luck!

ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 9/20/2006 4:42 AM (GMT -7)   
That would be great,but since my father had 8 kids,I would go from a very small family to a huge family. That in itself is scary. I keep wondering how many others there might be out there besides me.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


els
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Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/20/2006 5:00 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Shy, I agree with MovinOn that it is great.  You may never get the validation that you needed from your father unless he has left something behind for you in his personal effects (you never know).  But through his other children, your siblings, you may be able to come to understand the whys and what for's....and of course hopefully be able to form relationships with them I hope.  Let us know how it goes, we will be thinking of you....


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


wmnak
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Date Joined Jul 2006
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   Posted 9/20/2006 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   

My dad and his first wife had one son.  My dad and his second wife, my mother, had me.  My half-brother and I both grew up as "only" children - 13 years apart and different home environments.

As adults, my brother and I are now very close - we're the only family either of us has left.  Due to distance, our children don't know each other - even tho they know 'about' their cousins.  Hope that will get rectified at some point since there are so many commonalities between them.

Good Luck, Shy!  You may be about to experience some terrifically positive family relationships.  Hope so!  :-)


straydog
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13451
   Posted 9/22/2006 1:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I can only tell you my son had no contact from his father growing up, unless he called his Dad. My son is 33 yrs old and he still has so much anger in him because of this situation. He is old enough to know now it was not his fault, young children usually think this. I have told him to turn that anger in to something more positive, its too draining to keep all that anger inside and he finally agreed. My son is very close to my husband and of course my son is his son. But, he is still needing to feel he needs to make my husband proud of him. My hubby loves him dearly. Shy you are missing out on alot by delling on this. Susie

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