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BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 9/27/2006 8:24 AM (GMT -7)   
I feel like for a long time I have just been "going through the motions" in my life. I recently took a summer job on the complete opposite side of the country, and felt really brave at the time. I wanted to go somewhere to make new friends, to be confident, to be more social. I feel like I constantly have a wall pulled over my eyes, because I thought I was being social, happy, - I thought I was having fun. No one from my summer job talks to me anymore, but they all talk to eachother (via myspace, facebook, etc.) - and I feel left out and as if I was just always on the periphery of the social scene and just didn't realize it. I have been battling depression, and my exclusion has magnified it. I feel like this is a silly topic to bring up in therapy - because at the beginning of the summer I didn't even know these people I worked with, so if they're not my friends I didn't lose anything, right? I'm rambling... I think the hardest part of this summer was I got "asked out" by a really cute boy who then "dumped me" becuase I didn't have enough confidence. Blah.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 9/27/2006 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi BlueMoon, Welcome to Healing Well we are happy to have you join us here.  I often feel as if I am just going through the motions in life...perhaps most people have, I dont know.  Moving across country is really brave and I commend you for putting yourself out there like that.  I dont know if I could do it.  But I have to wonder if you were perhaps running away from something with such a drastic move for a summer job so far way.  If you had depression before and problems with isolating they are just going to follow you wherever you go.  So it is wise to discuss these things with your thearpist so that you can learn some problem solving techniques and daily life skills in this area.
Long lasting friendships are hard to find and to make.  Perhaps you can join some special interest groups that you like.  If you look I am sure you can find something in your area.
As for the cute boy...it sounds as if all he has to offer a girl is on the surface.  There are not very many people who are totally self confident, especially among the female population.  It sounds to me as if he is the one who has the problem, so please dont beat yourself up over it.  He doesnt sound as if he is much worth the effort of it anyhow.
We are always here so please do feel free to continue to post.  Everyone is so supportive...Take care

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/27/2006 11:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi BlueMoon,

Welcome to HW! -- I hope you find plenty of support here and that you feel comfortable.

Firstly, as Elisha has said, I think you're braver than you realise at times -- not only taking a summer job so far out of your "comfort zone", and mixing with people whilst there, but also posting here: I remember my first post and I was terrified (all sorts of imagining rejection on a grand scale!), but you've done it, shown your strength to face and deal with the things in life that make it hard for you. Give yourself some credit for that hun, really. :)

I too often feel like I'm going through the motions -- not here, but in general life where I can't be sure that anyone would really understand if I let myself go and they got to know *me*. I can keep myself to myself rather a lot (that old isolating thing), but then I get all sorts of paranoid that I'm not a part of things and I don't have any real friends. Case in point: I moved to the other end of the country (UK) 2 years ago for a job. Well, for most of those 2 years I felt like I didn't have a close friend in the place, apart from my partner. Then things fell apart with him in a quite devastating way and I was so low, felt so isolated, and so lacking in confidence, self-esteem, you name it...! Thing is, deep down I realised that I hadn't exactly been proactive in building any other friendships in this place apart from that with my partner. Well, I went to counselling and poured my heart out -- and, yes, I think you should tell everything, because it seems to me that this is all part of a bigger picture -- and I gradually began to reach out a bit more, to seek people out rather than hping they'd just realise that I wanted to be sought out myself. I won't say I now have a large circle of friends: a lot has happened in my life that makes it hard for me to trust people -- and to trust my own judgement! But I realised that I have made one wonderful friend who lives close by over the last few terrible months, and I have a couple of others that I feel pretty close to as well now (though I still don't tell them everything), and every Thursday night I have a date with a pub quiz that my wonderful friend got me along to, and I'm meeting more people and coming out of myself. And then there's here: I have found such wonderful, friendly, caring, and *trustworthy* people here -- and that has really helped restore my faith in the world and in my own ability to make friends.

So I guess I'm saying that things like this make us learn about ourselves as much as other people -- and often we find support where we never realised it was to be found -- and some of the strongest friendships are made in adversity. I hope you will discuss this with your counsellor, and I hope you will find many friends here. Above all, I hope you grow in confidence and self-esteem: you are stronger than you know. :)

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum


BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 9/27/2006 2:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Everything that has been said is very true... and very helpful! I just feel like the odd man out, I guess. Everyone else was able to make good friends and was able to date each other sans freakouts, and I somehow had issues with that. I have never had a real bf so it was flattering to be "asked out" and devastating to be "dumped"... even if it wasn't serious for him because I guess I take stuff rather seriously. My first real kiss, too which I guess doesn't make it any easier even if he is a jerk... I can't stop thinking about him... I think he is what I'm the most hungup on. Sooo I feel like this situation, more than others in my life, is one where I have felt confident and only later realized that I was not perceived as having been... kind of unsettling... wishing I had more friends, I guess.

CounterClockwise
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/27/2006 3:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Blue -- those people who seem to fall so easily into new frienships and dating do often seem like the ones to be envied, but really I do sometimes wonder. How serious on a scale of very to superficial would you rate each of the frienships and relationships formed by that group you met? You might be surprised by your own judgements on this. Are they what you want. If they really were, I think you would have found it easier to include yourself in this group after you left -- you'd feel comfortable, and they'd make oyu feel comfortable. That's what real friends do. And you're not alone in finding real friendships hard to make -- but they are out there -- and I sense they will be all the better for you because you value real friendships highly. Why not try to make an effort to talk to someone new every day or two? -- You might find yourself bonding where you never expected to -- and there are many people who feel as you do: you'll probably make a few people's days! :) Maybe start that process here and slowly build up to people you see where you live. It will help you heal, I just know it (cos it did me!!).

I know it's unsettling hun -- and I really do understand what you're going through. You'll soon get to know more people here though: reading others' posts I'm always finding bits of myself and there are so many kind and warm peeps here.

Rosie x
********************

People are not like fish: they do not work well battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...

********************

 
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum


BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 9/30/2006 7:15 AM (GMT -7)   
There's no "easy" way to let this go, is there? To just stop feeling like I'm being left out? Part of me wants it to be like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind where I can pick and choose what to erase~!!! :O) They are all perfectly nice people, which is what is scary to me - they are all perfectly  nice and still don't accept/talk to me. I think I just need help moving on... finding friends on my side of the country ~ ! It's not exactly easy when you are the only person left in town under the age of 40 lol ..

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 10/1/2006 6:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi BlueMoon, I dont know of any easy way to let it go eyes . Making friends for me when I was a kid was so easy...I thought. I was on the cheer team, volleyball and track team and one of a croud of 15 or so girls that were the "click" in our school. There was always someone to talk to or hang out with, but really I only had 1 really good friend that I felt I could connect too and that understood me and some of the things that I dealt with back then. This continued through college...
Now I am 33 years old and have a bunch of people that I know and say "hello" to in the stores when I see them but never pick up the telephone to chat. I still have limited myself to that 1 or 2 friends that I will go out with or chat with but that is it. 
So, I guess what I am trying to get at is that perhaps Rosie is right that being one of the "herd" is awfully superficial.  It took me along time to see that...You go through the motions. Perhaps maybe you can concentrate on trying to find one or two people that you connect with to hang out with.

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate

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