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slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 10/3/2006 9:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I'm new to the forum.  I've suffered on and off severe bouts of depression since I was 18 (at least).  I'm going to be 30 in February.  I'm at the lowest point I've been in a long time and on a high dose of EffexorXR. I have no idea what I expect to get from this forum, but figured it can't hurt to find some bosom buddies who can understand how I'm feeling, and maybe help me make some decisions in my life.  I had a hard time convincing myself to join.  I don't do so well among strangers....  But I figured what the hey...  I don't think I can feel much worse than I already do. 
 
A quick synopsis of myself: I have been married for 8 years as of last Tuesday.  I have two beautiful children, one who will be ten next week and a very busy two and a half year old who was born on my 27th birthday.
 
I was 19 when my son was born.  It was a very traumatic event and is the starting point for my initial diagnosis with depression.  My son is also a big reason I am seeking help coping with depression.  I feel that due to the undue stress he has suffered through his life due to my depression, he is already showing signs of depression.  To help him I need to help myself. 
 
The hardest part about depression is its invisibleness to the world.  It would be easier to explain to someone I have cancer than to say I am severely depressed.  I work for my parents and they have little understanding of the disease.  I am considering taking sick leave through EI (Canadian Employment Insurance) but I don't know how to talk to them about it.  I could use some pointers.  It is hard to admit to one's parents that you are a failure for that's what it feels like I'm admitting to, especially my mother....
 
I have a tendency to zone out to the world using my computer, mainly on-line computer games through Yahoo or whatever.  They tend to be repetitive, monotonous games.  It lulls me into a place that I don't have to think or feel.  I need to break this habit but I don't know how.  I loose so many precious hours to this habit that I could be doing other things.  But I haven't the energy, and when I am walking around with a lump in my throat 24/7, feeling like I could just break down at any moment, it's hard to process the world.  The games are easy.  Crying is not.  It's just there, but it never really lets go.
 
I'm very lost right now.  My two big triggers for this current stretch of severe depression are my husband's lack of understanding of me and my needs, and his mother's death in April 2005.  I was very close to her.  I miss her immensely and even though I've tried to channel that loss and pain into productive endeavours (fundraising - last year I organized a silent auction and raised $1,400 and this year I walked nearly 60K and raised a little over $2000) I am still floundering in an attempt to deal with her loss. 
 
Perhaps, if anyone could offer some words of advise or wisdom, that might help me weather this particularly bad time.  Everything compounds everything unfortunately.  Some days I wish I could just make it all go away, but then my children make me laugh and I can manage to keep going another day, despite the pain....
 
 

 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


Sunshine Superman
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2003
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 10/3/2006 10:41 AM (GMT -7)   
I think I understand a little of how you feel.

Perhaps you could research depression online and print out some articles or research you find on depression that most matches how you feel and show them to your husband, parents and/or children? Perhaps chair a family meeting to discuss and decide how they can all support you?

See your doctor, maybe it's time for a change of medication? (see my own thread/s on this subject not too far down from this thread).

Forget the computer games. Try going for a walk to flush the cobwebs out of your head. Get into some greenery if there is a park not too far away from where you live, take a book with you and read it on a bench there. In serial instalments.

Speak to your son's teachers about your concerns for him, reveal what you can about your self.

And for you and for him, are you fully indulging your creativity? Do you enjoy writing (nearly wrote 'writhing' there!!) or painting or pottery or sculpture? Have a go at whatever interests you and encourage your son to do the same perhaps. Whadya think? For me, it's writing...

regards SS
'Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds' - Emerson


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 10/3/2006 10:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi...Welcome to Healing Well forum, we are happy to have you join us. It is difficult to post the first time and especially to strangers but I have found this forum to be most supportive and the people very understanding...I hope you do also.

I often get the feeling that I want to cry or need to but cant. I also take a high dose of Effexor XR 225mg a day. So perhaps the medication is what is keeping you from crying...I believe that is what does it for me at least.

SS has some very good feedback for you and to that I dont have much to add except maybe some counseling would be a good option...especially in dealing with the death of your mother in law. Do speak to your physician and let them know how your feeling...as SS stated it may be time for a med change, I dont know.

Please do feel free to keep posting. We all have been there and understand greatly. Take care


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 10/3/2006 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   
All of those things sound wonderful, but I find it hard to get away and go for a walk or anything. My kids want my attention constantly when I'm around. It's very hard to escape. I am trying to start my own crafting business but I never seem to have the time, money or space to really get it off the ground. And it also requires a degree of attention I don't really have right now. I'm afraid of making mistakes that take twice as much time to undo! Plus it takes so much time to set up and clean up, that I find at times I don't feel it's worth it. So, basically, I'm at the bottom of the list of both mine and everybody elses priorities. And it's been that way pretty much since my son was born. I put everything on hold when he was born. I am going to be 30 in February and I still only have high school. I'm working at a job I hate. And every time I've made an effort to go back to school or change my life for the better, it's been derailed by the needs and plans (or the fall out from the failure of such plans) of others.

I have a phenomenal doctor and my husband and I are seeing a therapist right now to work on the marital issues, but I often feel with my husband that no matter how I write it down, phrase it or whatever, he just doesn't get it. And I've tried to get him to read articles and excerpts from books, but there's always an excuse for why he didn't get around to it. So it's very frustrating. I often feel that I'm chipping away at this wall that's been built around me, some of it by me, some of it by the choices and decisions of others, but I never seem to get very far at bringing it down.

Which is why I want to take some time off, for me. Even four months would give me time to reset my priorities and recharge my batteries. I could concentrate on working on things that matter, but financially it's a difficult decision to make right now. My husband just started a new job after a year of unemployment and the last month has been very difficult, it'll be a little while before we're back on our feet again.

So I am just plugging along, doing the best I can, the problem is my best isn't very good these days.....

But thank you for your comments.
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 10/3/2006 11:18 AM (GMT -7)   
I take 225mg of Effexor XR a day too. I've discussed my options as far as drugs go with my doctor and right now he doesn't want to increase my dosage, nor change it, but he is adding tryptan (i think it's called) to the mix to help the Effexor work more effectively. We'll see how that goes..... I have had limited options the last year while my husband has been unemployed because we haven't had any health insurance to help cover the costs. As it was, my doctor was giving my sample packages to help defer the montly costs of the Effexor. We now have insurance though, so I can explore some different options. I'm going to see how this tryptan works and go from there. As much as I want to try something different or whatever, I am also afraid of the withdrawal symptoms, as well as any new side effects of the new medication. Apparently tryptan has few side effects. It's a starting point anyways.....
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


Sunshine Superman
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2003
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 10/3/2006 12:32 PM (GMT -7)   
slowlygoingcrazy said...
All of those things sound wonderful, but I find it hard to get away and go for a walk or anything. My kids want my attention constantly when I'm around. It's very hard to escape. I am trying to start my own crafting business but I never seem to have the time, money or space to really get it off the ground. And it also requires a degree of attention I don't really have right now. I'm afraid of making mistakes that take twice as much time to undo! Plus it takes so much time to set up and clean up, that I find at times I don't feel it's worth it. So, basically, I'm at the bottom of the list of both mine and everybody elses priorities. And it's been that way pretty much since my son was born. I put everything on hold when he was born. I am going to be 30 in February and I still only have high school. I'm working at a job I hate. And every time I've made an effort to go back to school or change my life for the better, it's been derailed by the needs and plans (or the fall out from the failure of such plans) of others.

I have a phenomenal doctor and my husband and I are seeing a therapist right now to work on the marital issues, but I often feel with my husband that no matter how I write it down, phrase it or whatever, he just doesn't get it. And I've tried to get him to read articles and excerpts from books, but there's always an excuse for why he didn't get around to it. So it's very frustrating. I often feel that I'm chipping away at this wall that's been built around me, some of it by me, some of it by the choices and decisions of others, but I never seem to get very far at bringing it down.

Which is why I want to take some time off, for me. Even four months would give me time to reset my priorities and recharge my batteries. I could concentrate on working on things that matter, but financially it's a difficult decision to make right now. My husband just started a new job after a year of unemployment and the last month has been very difficult, it'll be a little while before we're back on our feet again.

So I am just plugging along, doing the best I can, the problem is my best isn't very good these days.....

But thank you for your comments.
 
What the hell was your husband doing the last year while he was out of work? Not getting to know you or your children/son any better by the sound of it! Lazy slacker! nono
 
There are SO MANY phrases in your paragraphs that hint at a low opinion of yourself - probably DELIBERATELY maintained and encouraged by everyone else in your family as it suits their interests to have a whipping boy or in this case, woman. Such as 'my best isn't very good', 'I'm at the bottom of the list of both mine and everyone else's priorities'...  Your husband doesn't get round to reading the info you provide because he doesn't want to face up to things. Stupid ignorant tosspot (him not you) . You do see that don't you?
 
Do you want me to fly round and burn the words 'lazy git and proud of it' on each of their foreheads with my heat vision? Be glad to... scool
 
Do you have any (assertive) friends you can talk to? I'll bet ten to one in doughnuts that your friends are discouraged from calling at your house, and that you are discouraged/forbidden to see them very often.
 
I'll say it again. You don't have to have an 'S' on your chest like me to be a hero or a heroine. Even though you are a Supermum in my opinion and they treat you like the 'S' stands for 'Sucker'..
 
'All of those things sound wonderful. but' .. NO BUTS... DO THEM!!
 
regards SS (Den) x
 
Got to go now, minor earthquake in the Pacific and I need to keep an eye on the shipping in the area..
'Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds' - Emerson


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 10/3/2006 9:42 PM (GMT -7)   

It's great that you finally have access to medical insurance! 

If you've been seeing a psychiatrist for your meds (god bless him for samples) then good - if you've been seeing your primary care family doc, then ask for a referral to a Psychiatrist.  Better a specialist suggest modifications to your antidepressants.  Hopefully you can find one that will spend time with you, discussing both your meds And! your current problems... one who will give you a 50 minute session instead of a 10 minute med check.  You need a therapist for YOU.  I understand looking for marital counselling - but would be concerned about it's effectiveness till you are more grounded in yourself. 

If you hate your job, but can't afford to loose the income, then find another job.  It's okay if your parents don't understand.  No matter how old your are, parents will always see you as a child and see themselves as authority figures.  A hard habit to break (on everyone's part) after almost 30 years.  Perhaps freeing yourself from the demands and expectations of others would be a goal of your personal therapy.

I've probably not told you anything you don't already know ... just consider it a gentle reminder that you must take care of yourself.  Keep posting ....   :-)


slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 10/3/2006 10:36 PM (GMT -7)   
I guess that's where I feel most helpless. Like I should know what to do and I should be able to just do it. But I have completely lost the ability to stand up for myself. I don't know if the drugs are to blame or what, I just feel over medicated, and under cared for. (My doctor sees me once a month at least for half hour sessions to just talk, it's more than anyone else is doing for me.... It's my family that I feel is most neglectful, primarily my husband, and I don't understand his lack of response.) But I'm afraid of who I am without the drugs too. I can have a very volatile temper, one which I passed onto to my son, and the anti-depressants help control that aspect of the depression. I didn't like who I was when I wasn't on the meds. I was always yelling and screaming at my son. His ADD notwithstanding, I couldn't handle anything. My son and I are a pair. We've been through hell and back together. My daughter will never know that. She's already a much more balanced personality and she's only 2 1/2, and that is partially because I've kept my temper under control during her childhood and dealt with things more rationally. I'm afraid to go back to that place. It was very dark and lonely and cruel. Now it's just dark and lonely! But I feel very confused about what I want. I don't know what's worth fighting for anymore..... I love my husband, I don't want to destroy this family, but at the same time, I need more than this.... And I'm confused by his lack of response to the whole situation. I'd give anything to know how he feels about how I'm feeling. I'd give anything to get some kind of response from him that's more than three words. I know part of the problem is he's still going through the grieving process too, after all she was his mother, and I think losing his job was a shot to his ego but I'm tired of watching him sit and lick his wounds, while I suffer in silence, holding all the pieces together. I just don't know what to say or do anymore. It's all very confusing. I see my doctor and tell him how I feel and he gives me the response so I don't feel crazy. I talk to friends and they seem to agree with me, but when it comes time to confront the situation, it just all seems so much more complicated and my husband has a way of turning things around very quickly and then I loose my footing and I accomplish nothing, except making me feel worse. So I just feel caught in this crazy pattern and I keep accomplishing nothing with my life. It's hugely depressing that I have little to no personal accomplishments to show for turning 30 next year. I feel like I'm where I was ten years ago. My son will be ten next week. I am hardly able to digest that fact. But except for being married and having my daughter, I have not done anything with my life. I've tried, and tried, and tried. But there have been so many obstacles. And I'm just feeling very beaten. It's not to say I'm not grateful for many things. If my parents had not been there and been incredibly supportive when I had my son, I'm not sure either of us would be here today. I know that I have a lot of blessings. For that matter, my son could have only ever known a mother. He's lucky he has somebody to call father because he almost didn't. My husband was my angel back then. I want my angel back. After all these many years of supporting him through school, holding the fort down during his years of horrible shift work, believing in him when he tried to start his own business (and failed) and then supporting him through a year of unemployment and along the way putting my dreams on hold so many times, I've lost count, I feel deep down in my heart that it's my turn and it's my turn by right, but he just doesn't seem to get that. And if he does, he has a very funny way of showing it. Throughout all our years of marriage, I've been the glue that's held everything together, but this glue is about to crack and I'm afraid of the fall out.... So as I said, even though I know what I should do, and I know what I can do, everything just feels so jumbled up that I don't know where to start..... And I'm already in so much emotional and physical pain, I'm afraid of finding more down whatever path I choose.... I live for today because I've forgotten yesterday and tomorrow is a scary place....

Thank you for the words of support. There's a lot more where this came from. I could write forever. I was in the literary arts program in high school, writing is very natural for me! Or at least it was, I've even lost some of that right now. Everything is work.... But it's 1:14 am and last night I got about 2 hrs. sleep because I just didn't feel like sleeping. I'm exhausted but when I sleep I often encounter a lot of bad dreams, apparently that seems to be a side effect of the Effexor. Some nights I take a sleeping pill but I have to have at least 8 hrs to devote to sleep before I need to get up, and I hate the taste sleeping pills leave in my mouth. And this is the one time of the day, the house is quiet and I can hear my thoughts, nobody is bugging me to sit on my lap and play winks over and over (my 2 yr. old loves winks and she'll interact with them. Send her a kiss and she'll kiss the computer screen! It's too cute!). Anyways, I need some sleep tonight. My son has been late for school every morning this week so far, I really need to get up and get him on his van. But that's the other thing, once I'm in bed and sleeping, I could stay there forever, and mornings are horrible. I've not adapted well to having to take over the morning schedule now that my husband isn't around to handle it. It's the one time of the day, I don't handle very well at all and my son is suffering for it. He needs to be in school and on time, and of course I just feel like crap because I can't perform a simple task of parenthood, and then of course my mother gives me a lecture this morning about abusing the privileges of working for family.... I'll agree there are some nice aspects to it, flexible hours among them, but it's not all sweets and candy or however that saying goes! There's no escape from family, and I've thought about leaving but with my qualifications, I'd have to take a nearly 50% pay cut to work else where, especially in this day and age where you can't even apply for most jobs if you don't have a College diploma or more. They won't even look at your resume.... And I can't afford to take the pay cut. That's part of the reason I want to have my own craft business. But right now I'm only in the research and development stage, testing out products and such on family and friends, researching the business aspect of things (and the work I've done for my dad over the last ten years will definitely come in handy here - I've learned a lot about keeping the books from my dad!) But I'm so overwhelmed by everything, I feel overwhelmed by the idea of the business, even though it's what I want more than anything else. I have to be much more stable before I can take that idea to full fruition. Right now I couldn't handle the demands, which is another reason for going on sick leave for awhile. It would give me that time to get myself back together and healthy again. Although I've reconciled myself to being on, at the very least, a low dosage of anti-depressant for the rest of my life to help keep certain aspects of the depression under control, I know I can be better than I am right now, I just need the time and a little TLC. I'd love to just hand the reigns of responsibility for this family over to my husband for awhile. Not have to worry about finances, groceries, laundry, dinner, cleaning, managing my son's ADD and other issues, etc.... for even a month, would be heavenly but I realize that's probably too much to ask... Besides I could never completely disconnect from my kids. They are my sunshine in this dark time. If it weren't for them, who knows.... On the other hand, if I didn't have kids, I'd probably have a College/University diploma and have done some travelling and while I might be married, it wouldn't have been because my son was turning 2 and needed a more stable family environment..... (HAHAHAHA - that's a joke! Hind sight is 20/20 they say!) Not that that is the only reason I married my husband either... I love him immensely, we're just very disconnected right now and it all started with the death of his mother because the previous two years before her death, we had an amazing relationship - we were able to discuss things and talk. My daughter wouldn't be here otherwise! I want to get back to that again where he was more intune with my needs, but he just seems confused about what he needs to do. And I don't know what else to say or do...

Anyways, I've rambled a lot longer than I intended. It feels good to get that off the chest though. Sometimes writing before I go to bed helps keep the demons away....

So thank you for "listening"!
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


Sunshine Superman
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2003
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 10/4/2006 6:56 AM (GMT -7)   
These are the last words I can say on the matter, really, I have to sort myself out whilst I'm on sick leave from work

It is patently obvious to me and I think to everyone else that you are a beast of burden for your family and your husband. They treat you like scum and your lazy git of a husband fails to pull his weight and puts everything onto you while he loafs around and farts in your face all the time. Your mental health is finally cracking under the strain and lack of support.

Go - take your daughter with you and money - and go somewhere. Let them survive without you. Get a lawyer. See a social worker.

Whether you do or not is up to you. But I can't read any more of your postings until someone lets me know that you have done just this and started to CARE and ACT for yourself I have to sort my own problems out and not worry about the problems of others that know what they should do but find excuses not to. If I do care and worry on their behalf, on your behalf I will go even crazier. Trust me, you don't want to see a crazy Superman in the skies above you.

SS


'Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds' - Emerson


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 10/5/2006 4:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Slowly, I agree that you certianly need to find a psychiatrist and a counselor to whom you can speak to these things about.  Once you start to battle back the depression a little and have worked through some of these issues you have in counseling you can then bring in your husband for some family counseling.  It sounds as if he could greatly benefit from some knowledge and insight into how his behavior is effecting you.
I am not going to advicate your leaving your husband, packing your kids up and running out on your relationship.  Even though I do know first hand how difficult it is to live with someone who is supposed to love you and then neglects on you and your emotional needs.  No matter how many times you have tried talking to him dont give up and keep at it...perhaps eventually you will break in.  My husband didnt want to listen to my crys of help either or he just didnt understand and for over 4 years it got to the point where I stopped talking to him about it and pretty much everything involved with me.  I left when I was at a very low point in my depression and after months or thearpy and changing medications it was too late to change what I had done.  He finally understood and educated himself but I wasnt having it, I filed for divorce and now I often wonder what if....
Your craft business sounds lovely, but I have seen you post several times about not having a college degree and wonder if perhaps this is something that greatly bothers you?  You can always take some classes online through your community college and earn a degree that way the internet has made it so much easier for people who have families and work full time.  Also, you may qualify for some federal grants to help with school since you have kids.  Perhaps you can look into this...it may not be out of your reach and your never too old to go back to school.  I am 33 and am working on my masters in psych. most of my classes I take on-line.
We are always here....

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/5/2006 12:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Slowlygoingcrazy..........I am most definitely with Els on this I would not suggest you leave your hubby and just bot it ..........things take time He has lost his Mom I know firsthand (lost mine 7 mths ) ago and to me it feels like I have lost my beginning........... my reason for being on earth from losing her.......not my reason for living God knows I want to live for me and my daughter and Howie and son and grandkids
Howie was out of work for 6 mths and I would never ever label him as a lazy man ......times are not easy for jobs we all know that ......Out of all our yrs together that was his only time not working and that was over the border problems with the beef...........
I think maybe you need to be able to have some you and Hubby time and try to work thru this
Get back to the basocs of you and him date ya know make a soecial day for you and him to go on a date dont let him out of it lol...........
I went back to Uni at a late age and I too was so happy to do so I agree you sound like thats something you really want ...........Els has great input for you on that
I just want to say I cannot tell you what to do or make comments that may demean your relationship I dont feel thats right
What we can do is be the soft pillow for you to land on
be well and post again as Els said we are here for you
God Bless
Lyn
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