any advice for sugnifent other of depression?

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purplechevy
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 10/5/2006 8:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I have a boyfriend that I have been back together with after a two year break up. I first met him when I went to help him with personal care and homemaking after his surgery on his shoulder from an injury at work.  (I was/am homesupport worker) any how we got together and was together for 5 years.  I was with him thru the bull crap that WCB put him thru after when he did not regain full mobility in his right arm after the surgery.  He could not go back to his previous job.  he started to battle depression due to the stress, have anxiety attacks, and began to see things in a different way.  In a negative way, even our relationship, which I thought was good.  It was like he went strange, like I didnt know this person.  We broke up, and I wasnt really sure why for two years.  Which gave me a crap load of baggage, wondering what I did so wrong. 
We got back together in November, and he seem better, and seems to know that he has depression, but does not take any meds to deal with it, just smoke some pot, or hangs around playing on the computer, recharging as he says.  I support him, how I can by giving him the space he needs to give himself a boost.  But in the back of my mind, I am afraid that the other J will come out.  What if I say the worng thing, or do the wrong thing.  What if I disagree with him about something, he might leave again.  because he can not deal with life.
I feel like I am on egg shells sometimes.  I know I can survive without him, I did fine before, and he knows that as well.  I still love  him though.  At one time I would have gave anything or did anything for him. Now I am afraid the other J is going to come out and I will go thru it all again.  Is this a normal feeling for the spouse or gir/boyfriend of someone that suffers severe depression.  I kinda feel lost here, and dont dare talk to my friends about it, as they are already shaken their heads about getting back together with him.. I never did stop loving him even after two years.
Any advice or anything?
 
 
33yr old female
Crohns for 10 years, no surgery as of yet.  Meds include pentasa, metronidazole, iron, muti-vit, salmon oil


H8NLIFE
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 10/8/2006 2:53 AM (GMT -7)   
purplechevy said...

 
 I never did stop loving him even after two years.

That seems to be your answer. If it is what you feel is true love (and who really has the correct definition), the hurt from losing him may be greater than trying to understand his abuse.
 
I am the last person in the world to offer advice regarding loving someone else, but one has to balance what he/she has and what will come down the road next.
 
As long as the relationship is not resulting in your abuse, I would think you may be better off with him than without him. The left handed cigarettes are not helping either. If he has severe mood swings, it might be the pot. Maybe he cannot see you through the smoke for who you really are and what you can offer him.
 
The above is only an observation and not to be taken as concrete advice. I have and can offer no answers. I only know loneliness, and believe me, it is not a friend.
 
Do you have a close female (because you guys speak an entirely different language) friend that you can share with? Guys don't.

Post Edited (H8NLIFE) : 10/8/2006 3:58:00 AM (GMT-6)


poetdowns
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2004
Total Posts : 41
   Posted 10/9/2006 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi,
I've found that it doesn't matter how much you love someone, you can't make them take care of their health -mental or otherwise. You can't make them go to therapy, or love you back the way you'd like. Some things people have to do for themselves. Getting high is not dealing with depression. It's avoiding it. And i understand avoiding it. But i also understand being with people who won't get proper help for what's hurting them. There's a lot of drama involved in that. And it's going to feel unpredictable (eggshells) 'cause how can it not?

Vale,
Poet

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/10/2006 11:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi. My heart goes out to you. It's hard to love a depressed person because they usually don't love themselves. Like the cliche...if you don't love yourself, how can you love someone else? Love and need can look the same. I suffer from depression and unless the person has acknowledged that this is something internal and not external and that their are resources (like counselors and meds and spiritual groups) that are available to them, they will not get well. The only person who can make the decision to get better is them. Of course, depressed people need a lot of grace and understanding and patience and encouragement but you must remember to take care of you and love is NOT walking on eggshells. I would like to gently recommend learning about "co-dependency." A book I would like to recommend is "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
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