I can totally relate to how you are feeling. It's exactly how I feel, and I have two kids that need me which only adds to the feelings of failure when I can't manage to accomplish even some very basic tasks. Mornings are horrible. I hate mornings.... I hate waking up. Like you, there are a lot of things about
my life that I don't particularly like and I often feel like I have no control over them. I want to go back to school too. I've tried several times but for whatever reason, each time I've not been able to. Financially, due to a business gone sour about
three years ago on the part of my husband, I don't qualify for enough funding to let me go back to school. And we never have enough money to pay for me to take a course. And as far as online courses go, between work, the kids, the depression, I don't trust myself to succeed and I don't want to waste money on something I might not finish. It's hard to commit to something like an online class because it does require a certain mental ability to sit down and take responsibility for your education. There's no physical teacher there and the distractions of home are your class room. Not everybody can manage that. And I totally understand the weight issue. In the last year I've put on over 30lbs and as a result, few of my clothes fit me properly anymore, and I can't afford to buy more. I want to take the weight off but when I'm depressed, if I eat, I have a tendency to reach for the comfort food. Stress makes losing the weight even more difficult. I want to exercise but feel so exhausted all the time that I never seem to get around to it. It's all a vicious cycle. So I completely understand your predicament. All I can say is this, 90% of the time you probably feel like crap. But when you do have a good day, and you do get up and clean and take the time to dress yourself, feel empowered by that moment, knowing that tomorrow it may be a struggle just to get up. When you manage to accomplish something (anything - even the little things) on your to do list, pat yourself on the back, don't start thinking about
everything else you still have to do. Take a moment and just savour your accomplishment and try to let the feelings of accomplishment carry you onto the next task. And when you do feel lazy and useless and underappreciated and exhausted, just remember that yesterday you had a good day and you will have a good day again, but for now you aren't. I know all of this is easier said than done. A lot easier said than done because when you are depressed you have a tendency not to be able to see the forest for the tree your nose is painfully pressed up against, plus society has some very painful ways of reminding you that you just don't add up. That's when you come here and realize you are not alone and being depressed is not just a state of mind but a physical illness. And I agree, if you have not seen your doctor do so. But drugs alone are not the answer. They can help clear the fog and increase your energy levels and your ability to cope but unless you deal with the underlying issues that are causing your depression, you will eventually hit the brick wall. That's where I am.... So get help for every aspect of your depression, not just the biological elements. I hope this helps.
It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....