Hi, I am so sorry that you had to suffer so. I know how difficult it is to be a young parent. I was 18 and the "sperm donor" left before I was even two months pregnant. Telling my parents was the hardest thing I had to do. But I know I am one of the lucky ones because I had extremely supportive parents. They were disappointed in me but they would not turn their back on me. In fact, I can even relate to your near suicide attempt. When my son was about
2 1/2 mths old, he went three weeks not sleeping more than 45 minutes at a time, breast feeding constantly and crying all the time. After three weeks, I lost it and if my parents had not been there to take him away from me, I'm not sure where either of us would be today. So I can totally relate to your difficulties as a young parent. That in itself is enough to deal with. But to have your parents turn on you the way yours did, is absolutely horrible. I can't even imagine if my parents had done that. I probably would've gone through with the adoption... It is hard to know what advice to give to you regarding your mother now without knowing the context of why suddenly you hate her again after letting her get close. But you must do what you must do. And as far as still being depressed even though you know you hate her, depression is very physical. Just because you know exactly what's wrong and deal with it, doesn't mean the physical symptoms go away. Many of us know what we have to do, but are so burdened with the weight of the symptoms themselves, that we find it hard to do what it is we know we must do. (I hope that made sense!) For example, I was supposed to be doing some office work but instead I've been playing on line games for the last couple of hours, maybe more. I know getting that work done would mean being able to go to bed feeling good about
myself, but instead I can't stop playing these stupid games... I know they are stupid. I know what I should be doing, but the blackness in my head makes it hard for me to focus on the tasks I should be doing. The aches and pains are frustrating. Games allow me to forget all of that temporarily. So just because I know what the solution is, doesn't mean I'm cured. It goes much deeper than that... Tell us more and maybe we can provide more advice to help you cope or make whatever decision it is you feel you must make regarding your mother and you's relationship at this point in your life.
We're here to listen and support you.
It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....