I need support...I can't see a way out of this hole

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hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/15/2006 7:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello.  I've been responding for a few days but mostly post on the migraine-headache forum.  I am completely dismayed.  I have been through one major upset after another.  I don't know if I can take it anymore.  I think about dying all the time but then I started thinking about actually doing it and you know what?  It scared me.  I didn't feel peaceful at all.  I felt like I wanted my Mom to hold my hand while I went to sleep. I would be terrified to lay there and wait for it to happen.  I have talked to my therapist about this and have signed an agreement that I won't hurt myself.  I'm actually told all the time that I am a lovely person with an upbeat personality and that people would never, ever know that I was suffering so.  Well, I try so hard to be normal but I'm not.  I have chronic migraines and have been on state disability for the past 10.5 months.  My disability is going to run out at the end of November and I have to go back to work and sit in the flourescent lights while having excrutiating head pain.  I get migraines nearly everyday and have to lay in a dark room with ice and heat.  Prior to all of this and while still having chronic migraines (but not as bad as now) I worked, planned a wedding, got married, found out immediately that my husband didn't want to be close to me (to this day I don't know if he has a mental illness or is latent homosexual or what), anyway, he left, I was beyond devastated.  I was in SHOCK.  Probably something close to PTSS.  I had to grieve an illusion and he was completely shut down to me.  Since I insisted on knowing a reason, he gave me superficial ones like if I read Dr. Laura's book on husbands, I would have better luck keeping a man.  We were a Christian couple.  I more mature in my faith than him.  We were pure before marriage and I thought that I had made a "healthy" choice, although, looking back it is obviously that I did not.  Anyway, I really believed that the doctors were going to help me with my migraines but they didn't.  I was deeply depressed but I put my makeup on and clothes and tried so hard to be normal that in public everyone thought I was fine.  After about 6 months of intense grieving I lost it.  I now had to move.  The only thing that kept me going was my little doggie and my 14yr. old cat.  My dog was newly adopted (about a 1.5 yrs. and truly an Angel sent from God - even though I was supposed to be his Angel).  Well, I couldn't find a roommie that would take my dog.  I really couldn't and I tried VERY HARD.  I was getting more and more ANXIOUS along with the depression.  My doggie was the only thing that kept me going through those months of intense grief and depression and CHRONIC PAIN.  I moved into a 1-bedroom.  I look back and I don't know how I got moved.  By this time I was suicidal.  I was in the worst depression I had ever experienced.  Different than now.  It was like a dark cloud hanging over me.  I would force myself to swim laps at the pool -- cry all the way there - and all the way back.  The all the way back part perplexed everybody. I just didn't want to go on.  I can't make ends meet.  I still have chronic migraine, my car needs tires, my engine light came on and worst of all my doggie was just diagnosed with a tumor and a heart murmur.  Needless to say, I am TERRIFIED at the thought of losing the only thing that makes me feel cared for.  I can't pay my bills.  I know that I have to move again -- don't know how I am going to get through all of this b/c stress and ANXIETY are unbearable. 
 
 

tase2
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 65
   Posted 10/15/2006 9:26 PM (GMT -7)   
hopeful
 
My heart goes out to you. Wish I could give you a big hug. As an owner of a 12.5 year old Bichon Frise with cushings disease, and a 15 yr old cat who literally used up all his nine lives many years ago, I totally understand the anxiety of losing your best friend.
 
Has your therapist recommended any medication for you depression? I assume you have tried many meds for your migraines.
I would ask about antidepressants. Please.
 
Keep us posted. We care
 
tase

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/15/2006 9:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Tase, thank you for caring.  I take Wellbutrin and Lexapro.  I've been others too in the past but eventually plauteued.  I can't turn my mind off.  I don't have anyone to turn to for financial help or to stay with until I get back on my feet.  My hopes and dreams didn't come true.  That's why my doggie and kitty are so important to me.  I'm trying not to borrow trouble about my doggie because their is a chance the tumor can be benign.  If it is not then I will not understand God and life and I will not want to go on.  How do people manage the anxiety and depression?  It is just so unbearable.  I can't stop crying which only makes my migraines worse.  My doggie picks up on my anxiety - poor little guy.  My cat seem oblivious but I love him so much have had him 14 years.  Why do you suppose it is so hard to find rentals and roommies that allow dogs?  They seem to be the most important thing on the planet to me.  I don't think I would have made it through my divorce w/o my dog.  "hi" to your furry babies from us.
K.

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/16/2006 5:13 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm really desperate -- going through some dark days.  Does anyone have any words of encouragement?  I have friends that I can talk to but not necessarily anyone who can really relate to what I'm going through.  Thanks.

tase2
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 65
   Posted 10/16/2006 7:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Hopeful

I'm sitting here with a revolving lap. Besides Nikki the dog, we have 2 kitties. I mentioned the 15 yr old, we also have a 2 year old who is a daddy's girl. Anyway Nikki is on my lower lap and the 15 yr old is on my tummy, and the kitty is trying to get on my chest w/out disturbing the others and they all keep jockeying for position.

I hope you are feeling somewhat better. Wish I had some magic potion, but the best I can do is virtual hugs. {{{{{hugs}}}}}}

tase

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/16/2006 7:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, Tase. I know that you understand how important these little critters are. I am under so much stress and anxiety in my life right now, I can't borrow trouble about my doggie. If the tumor is cancerous, I don't know if I can go on. I am alone and going through the worst depression of my life. I have no money -- don't know how to get out of this hole. thx. for the virtual hugs.

Daisysmom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 168
   Posted 10/16/2006 10:37 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi,

Pets are very important. If it helps you any, a vet told me about a year and a half ago that my dog had a heart murmur. I had a scan done of her heart, and it was enlarged. I had a funny feeling it was just old age, and the doctor was just young and over-reacting, because the dog seemed fine. The dog has been fine, it turns out. I went to another vet this year and he had nothing at all to say about her heart.

It can be hard to find landlords and room mates who are accepting of pets, but believe me, they are out there.
 
Sorry I don't have more to say about your people problems. Just remember, one day at a time. And if that seems too big of a chunk, one hour at a time, or one minute at a time.
 
-- Mary Kay

slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 10/16/2006 11:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I can relate to much of what you say. I too am very good at hiding it from the world. Few people have any idea how much I am suffering every day. How I sit up at night writing these e-mails/entries to keep the darkness at bay. I want to cry. I envy you your ability to cry. I can't even do that when I'm alone. Even now as I am writing this my eyes are hurting because I want to cry so badly, but the tears won't come. And yet I'm confused, bewildered, not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing or feeling. I can't even 100% validate my own feelings anymore. I can't tell when I'm blowing something out of proportion. I can't tell when I'm grasping at straws or when the issues are real. I feel like I should be grateful to my husband. He works, pays the bills, looks after us materially, I mean he saved my son and I from single parenthood and my son isn't any the wiser. Sperm donor walked out when I was 2 mths pregnant and my husband walked in a month later. He was there when my son was born. For all intents and purposes, he is my son's father. My son has never known anything or anyone else. But I don't want to be a victim of cicumstance my whole life for that is what I feel like. I want to make my own destiny but circumstances being what they are, keep getting in the way. It's darn frustrating. My husband and I have not had a real relationship in months. We are drifting a part and yet we can still laugh at each other's jokes/expense (my husband is a clutz!). There are still moments of connection but they are on his terms - laughter, joking around, discussing his interests, etc... Rarely on my terms. So the situation isn't identical, but I know that if I loose my marriage, this depression isn't necessarily going to get better. Some issues may be resolved, but many more will be created. My son is ADD and a handfull. I don't know if I can handle him alone day in and day out. Plus there's just the day to day running of life. While I wish my husband would do more, at least he does a few things. If he left, he wouldn't be there to do anything. So I feel conflicted. I want to feel grateful for what he does, but I need him to do so much more and on many different levels. I also don't think the meds help sometimes either. I think they can get in the way of me expressing myself and Effexor is known for its sexual side effects. Sex sends me into a day or more of crazed anxiety attacks. I can't cope with the surge of emotions and it takes me a day or two to get everything back under wraps again. And the thoughts of suicide, yeah, I have them. When it hurts so much you just want to make it stop, anyway possible. But for you it's your doggie. For me it's my kids. I couldn't do that to them. But it scares me to even think that way. I don't get migraines persay, but I get TMJ headaches periodically and they are almost as bad so I can really sympathize with your constant physical agony. Knock wood I haven't had one in awhile but these things come and go. In that respect I think the anti-depressants do help a bit. Anyways, I hadn't meant to get into all this. (I had to go back and reread what I was writing because I lost track of my train of thought!!!!!) Mainly I wanted to say that I understand what it is you are going through. I feel for you and hope that something good happens to lift your spirits and get you back on track. Your whole marriage issue is rough. Be honest to yourself and let yourself grieve. It's natural. Death is not all that we grieve. And we must allow ourselves the time to heal. Sometimes if we can honestly say to ourselves, "I am grieving and it's natural. I'm not crazy." Just the act of taking ownership of that can be very powerful because then you are in control and not the emotions. It's definitely easier said than done. I am grieving too right now. I lost my mother-in-law in April 2005 and grieving is a long painful process. I miss her terribly and wish she were still here, but she isn't, I can't change that, so then you need to find a way to grieve without destroying yourself. I'm working on it too. It's definitely not easy. But if writing here helps, than by all means, write away. We're a bunch of good listeners, good talkers, good complainers, good whatevers...... But if it helps, than by all means. Anyways, sleep is starting to win over. Writing this entry helped I think. Thank you for bearing with me, even when I went off on tangent there.

Take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you.
slowlygoingcrazy
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 10/17/2006 12:30 AM (GMT -7)   
DaisyMom, thanks for taking the time to post a reply and to tell me about your dog. I do believe that I should get a second opinion about the heart murmur.

Slowlygoingcrazy, thank you also for your support. I can't relate to the feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to. That must be awful. Crying relieves tension. It can also cause tension and bring on a migraine. I'm sorry to hear that you are getting TMJ headaches too and the loss of your Mother in Law. I hope that you have a support group or family that you can lean on. Sounds like hubby just can't handle your anxiety. It sounds like you definitely suffer from anxiety. I do too. Especially right now when I'm on overload in that every major stressor on the list is happening at the same time - again. I'm glad that you have your Son (the handful). We need to learn to laugh at our situation somehow someway. I've been having the suicide thoughts a lot but I don't want to die. I just want to thrive again. It seems like pain and depression have taken over my life and it didn't used to be this way. If I didn't have the extreme financial stressors on me I might be able to cope better but lets face it, it takes money to live. Lately, I just keep getting one blow after the other. I read that you were getting sleepy. That's great. Are you the one who wrote about having trouble sleeping? Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to offer words of encouragement.
K.
Talk2Kel
 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety
 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma
 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."

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