emotional agony....

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 11/1/2006 1:12 PM (GMT -7)   
I was fine until I got into a more indepth conversation with my cousin, the one person I lean on immensely, this morning on MSN.  I realized I have to make some major decisions.  They are very difficult decisions to make.  My son's emotional well being as well as my own are both at stake.  I feel lost and powerless.  I don't want to end my marriage.  It has so much going for it.  I have been happy in the past and actually the last couple of weeks have been a little better.  Okay, I'm even having a hard time explaining myself at the moment.  It has a lot to do with the dynamics between my husband and my son.  Genetically they have no relationship.  Emotionally my son doesn't know any difference.  My husband is his father.   My husband has been there since before he was born.  But the first two years of my son's life we lived at home with our respective families, so the first two years I raised my son as a single mother and then we finally got married and brought our family together under one roof.  It has come with a lot of pain and heart ache.  Our son is ADD.  He is a difficult child at the best of times.  Now I suspect that due to our various struggles over the years that he is also suffering from depression.  My husband does not respect my son's various issues and asks more from him than our son is capable of handling at times.  Frustration mounts on both sides until there's a complete breakdown.  For awhile my husband will be good and then he'll go through a bad spell, where perhaps his stress levels are a little higher or whatever, and he'll get physical with our son.  The other day he knocked him to the ground.  And then one other night he grabbed his arm really roughly.  Emotionally every time this happens it sets my son back years emotionally.  And my husband won't talk about it either.  And I'm left standing in the middle expected to repair wounds without any tools to do so.  Our son will be in tears and if I go to him to console him, I feel like I'm alienating my husband and backing up our son who's inappropriate behaviour in the first place brought my husband to the point of losing it.  On the other hand, my husband is an adult and should be able to learn to handle things differently.  But he won't talk about what's setting him off or what's bothering him.  I'm just supposed to deal with everything.  I've had my husband in therapy sessions to discuss things.  We've taken a parenting course.  But I sometimes feel like my husband's participation is all lip service.  He never really commits to making a change.  Or helping our son find a better place, a happier place, and I'm left holding the reigns.  I'm afraid if I leave my husband then our son will lose the only father he has ever known and emotionally that's more than I think he can handle.  And if I stay, this behaviour has to stop.  I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.  And emotionally I'm barely holding my own these days without all this on top of it so I sometimes feel like I'm not as supportive as I could be towards our son because it requires too much of an emotional commitment for me.  It's like a crazy ball of yarn that I'm trying to find the end to and it's buried so deep within the knots it seems impossible....  And to make matters worse, with my husband's new job, it seems like he's never around so I'm not only left holding all the reigns emotionally, but physically too.  I just feel overwhelmed with the weight of my responsibilities.... 
 
Not really looking for a lot of advice.  Just needed to vent.  Thank you for listening....  I'm in the process of contacting some people who can help us, it's just a waiting game now.  But it's hard to be patient....
 
slowlygoingcrazy

 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


jules01
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 48
   Posted 11/1/2006 3:15 PM (GMT -7)   
How old is your son? is he on med's for add? I feel for your situation and realize that you have some agonizing decisions to make here. First and foremost you must put your son first in this situation. Children do not have the control when they are put in violent situations, and having him shoved to the ground by an  adult man is most definatly violent!!!!!! please rethink the atmosphere that you are raising your son in before it gets worse and escalates to something way more serious.
 
jules

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/1/2006 4:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Slowly, i know you didn't ask for advice but please, please take care of your Son. You really do have a responsibility to him before your Husband. Physical violence is UNACCEPTABLE and could scar your child for life. He is a child and shouldn't be expected to be perfect, especially if he is handicapped in any way, with ADD and depression. It's admirable that you could get your husband into counseling, I hope that you keep going. Please tell the therapist the severity of the situation with your Son. It is not just going to get better on its own. The violence could escalate and become more serious. Play the movie forward and think about how you are going to feel if anything bad happens to your Son. I'm glad that you have contacted people who can help you. That is the first step. I will pray for healing for you and your family.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 11/1/2006 5:56 PM (GMT -7)   

Slowly,

You describe a couple of events of physical abuse - I can only imagine the volume of emotional abuse your son endures.  Not acceptable.  While I'm sure you want/need a partner to share the responsibility of child rearing and family, your husband is not meeting the challenge.  This is so sad for all of you. 

((Hugs)) 


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 11/2/2006 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Slowly, I am so sorry for all you and your family is facing now.  In reading your post I can see some similarities from my little brother who also has ADD.  He is 29 now and as I am sure you know, back in the early 80's when him and I were kids this wasnt a diagnosed disorder.  Our childhood background was much differant than what you describe as my mom married her second husband when I was 3 yrs old and then had my brother.  Her husband was abusive to the both of us kids and looking back now I see patterns where my brother acted out for attention no matter if it was positive or negative.   Actually, mostly negative.  My mom did divorce him and remove us from that situation when she found out what was going on (way more to this story) but the damage had been done.  Especially for my brother who grew up being an angry child, showing this by beating up kids in school, later beating up girlfriends and people he loves the most.  Just something inside of him he couldnt control.  Now he has several children and is trying to make a normal life for himself but that feeling is still there.  He has a 2 yr old son who does everything he does.  So he is trying really hard to control himself so as not to pass his anger issues off to his son.  He doesnt want to be like his father and he realized that he was acting like him all this time.  It is really sad.
 
You do have to do what is right for your son, if your husband is being physical with him then that has to stop.  Your son is going to remember this, that is why I wrote all this about my brother here, and potentially learn from that kind of behavior.  If your husband is getting that angry with your son then he needs to walk away instead of react to the situation and make it worse.  I am sure that there is a way for your family to grow together and work towards helping each other instead of tearing apart.  You sound like a very resourceful woman and I dont think you would keep your son in a dangerous situation.  Please do keep us updated on how things go and how your doing...my thoughts are with you 

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 11/2/2006 8:13 AM (GMT -7)   
I want to clarify one thing. My son's issues are not just my husband's fault. Through Karl's first four years I struggled with severe depression and part of my depression showed itself in violent outbursts and at one time, I too could get quite physical with my son. I carry a lot of guilt from those years. But I finally got it all under control and learned new ways to do things. Unfortunately much of the damage was done. My son learned a lot of his own violent coping skills from me and some times my own guilt is as much a handicap to moving forward as anything else. And I understand my husband's frustration. This morning for example, I asked my son, who is 10, to do a number of very simple tasks that he should've been able to accomplish but he was beligerent and unco-operative. I tried talking to him nicely. Then counting. Then the frustration starts creeping in and the voice starts to escalate. It took my son nearly 20 minutes just to put his shirt on this morning! And even though he told me he brushed his teeth, I checked his toothbrush after he left and it was dry. And I'm not trying to ignore him but his sister requires my attention too and at 10, I should not have to stand over his shoulder double checking everything he does. So I understand where my husband's actions are coming from but I don't condone them either. It needs to stop. Because it is not going to help my son get better. I just know that breaking up the family isn't the answer either because then I'll be left to deal with my son's issues all by myself. Above I focussed on the negative aspects of my husband's parenting skills but he has the ability to be a very good parent too. It's a difficult balancing act.... for all of us....

thank you for your support and suggestions... Hopefully I will hear back on the messages I left with our support systems yesterday very quickly and we can try to move forward and really deal with things. My son needs help. I know that. And I'm working on it. It's sometimes hard to be patient though for the wheels to start turning.

slowlygoingcrazy
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 11/2/2006 10:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I just spoke with our therapist. We have an appointment for next Wednesday at 9am. Hopefully my husband will be able to attend. His schedule is not fixed yet for next week. Makes it difficult to make plans or book appointments when I have nothing to work with. I'm going regardless of whether he does or not because I need help working through some issues. She was very understanding of my son's issues and the atmosphere under which I am trying to help him. So hopefully she will be able to provide us with some good ideas to help him and us. I'll keep everybody posted. Thank you again for your words of support.

slowlygoingcrazy
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Tuesday, December 06, 2016 3:32 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,408 posts in 301,114 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151254 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Amir5600.
214 Guest(s), 2 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
vanagirl, Stetsonva


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer