Feeling so sad and confused

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wizzer120
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 11/3/2006 4:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I felt like I was making some progress, but right now I just feel so completely and utterly down.  I am at work with the outward smile as usual but i just want to go home, curl up on the sofa in my pj's and, well I guess do nothing.
I can't stop thinking about all the bad things that have happened in my life, I keep getting all these horrid memories popping into my head and I just want to burst into tears and shout at everyone.
I feel guilty because I feel hard done by and that is not a good attitude to have.  There is alot of good that I have created in life, but I can't stop focussing on the bad things that have happened.
 
I feel like I need to scream at people, nobody I know knows about me and the hardships I have been through and I put such a good 'face' on things, but its like I suddenly need everyone to know how hard its been.  I wouldn't dream of telling them though, its not their business and I don't want everyone going round feeling sorry for me.  Plus I think the past is the past, why do I have to keep dragging it up when it is over and done with?
 
I can't understand why my feelings are so conflicting at the moment. Any ideas?  I am beginning to think that life would be easier if I just didn't wake up one day, all the effort and hard work would stop. (At the moment I don't mean that literally)
I have missed my meds for two days (not on purpose), but I have only been on them for 16/17 days, so I'm not sure if this would have any kind of effect so quickly.
I just feel so selfish and sad, even childish for not 'just getting on with it'

Suzy35
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 248
   Posted 11/3/2006 6:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Keep gonig going wizzer...HUGS!!!!! I know it's tough, I'm in that spot myself and can't seem to shake it. You do need to give your meds more time, they can help. If it makes you feel better, come here and scream away.

wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 11/3/2006 9:58 AM (GMT -7)   

Awww, Wizzer ... so sorry all this is floating to the surface for you today.  I haven't heard the "hard done by" phrase in awhile, but I sure know how it feels.  Done Unto.  And ticked off!  And can't do anything about it! 

You may be sad, but you aren't selfish or childish!  What happened in the past may be past now, but it did happen, and it happened to you, and you were affected by it.  That is the reality.  You'll deal with it, put responsibility where it belongs, and move on .. the meds will help stengthen you to do this.

((Hugs))  :-)


wizzer120
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 11/3/2006 10:34 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks for the encouragement guys.

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/3/2006 7:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wizzer, it sounds like you have grief that you haven't completely processed. Are you seeing a talk therapist? That would be a great place to do the work or a small group. When my husband left me I went into a deep depression. I cried everyday intensely for 4 1/2 months. It seemed like an eternity for it to be at such a deep level. My therapist pointed out that I am likely grieving much more than just the loss of the marriage but the dreams that went with it and all of the other hurts that came before it. That really made sense to me. So, let yourself cry and scream (in the car is best), journal and talk to people about it. Their is a saying that I like "what you can feel, you can heal."
Take care.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


wizzer120
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 11/5/2006 2:01 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Hopeful, you hit the nail on the head there.  I am dealing with my grief at the loss of loved ones this year, but moreso I am trying to deal with the regrets I have in life.

You said in your post My therapist pointed out that I am likely grieving much more than just the loss of the marriage but the dreams that went with it and all of the other hurts that came before it.  How are you getting though this?

I thought I had put my past probelms to bed.  I confronted them head on and 'resolved' them, but right now they are back and visiting me tenfold.  In the past I have dealt with my depression myself, looked at each thing that makes me so sad, worked on either removing the problem, working it out or accepting that it is out of my control and moved on, but this year has been so tough and I can't seem to break the depression into manageable chunks.  I am the one that is usually the calm in a crisis, but I just can't rise to the challenge at the moment.  I have certainly found out who 'my friends' are in my family because of it and that hurts.

I worry about everthing, even the stuff that is out of my control. I worry about what people think of me, I want everyone to be happy regardless of how that makes me feel etc.  I have had enough now and stuggle to justify those feelings - of putting me first.  I wanted to become a doctor but circumstances didn't allow it, now at 34 I am really angry at those who played a part in it not happening.  My parents made me homeless at 13, my education went out of the window, I was raped, I nearly starved to death and was hospitalised because of it etc. I thought I dealt with those issues, now I feel that I am perhaps having a mid life crisis - does that mean I will only live to 68?? Something else to worry about!

I have dealt with my depression in my own way since I can remember, but this year just seems to be too tough to go alone.  Some of the members at HW gave me that push to go to a doctor (thanks) and now I am on meds.  I am due to go back to the doctor tomorrow for a follow up and all I can worry about is how I do not seem to be dealing with the actual problems.  I am not sure I know how to any more, I feel that I am giving up the fight and just accepting that my life should be full of tears and sadness.  I know deep down that that is not right, life is what you make it and I just don't seem to be making much of it at the moment and that makes me feel worse.  It is a vicious circle of my own creation.
Oh, what to do...  I'm ranting again, sorry.
Thanks for your comments, they do help.

Suzy35
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 248
   Posted 11/5/2006 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry things are so tough Wizzer. When you go to the doc, be totally honest with him. When I went in last week, after a month on meds, she upped my dosage and it has helped even more.
I worry about stuff that is out of my control too and alot of "doom and gloom", coming and talking has helped. Know that you have friends here and we will do our best to support you.

indygirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/7/2006 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Wizzer, I too, am going through a pretty tough depression right now.

First off, I wanted to say how impressed I am that you are able to make it to work. I have been unable to do that throughout the years & is probably the reason why I have had multiple jobs (totally another story for another time). At any rate, good for you.

I also think extremely negative thoughts & drag up the past when I am depressed. I don't know why I do but I do. My therapist is helping me process why I do this. Best of luck to you & please let me know if you ever need to talk. I will try my best to help you.

Take Care.
DX: Clinical Depression 12/95 & Bi-Polar Disorder 10/03

RX: Stopped Antidepressants 08/06 & Metformin ER 1500 mg. (Fertility)

Post Edited (indygirl) : 11/8/2006 9:41:14 AM (GMT-7)


xxdarkwolfrosexx
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 11/7/2006 11:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Yeah I know how you feel I never do anything or even leave the house. Hey cheer up though, atleast you don't talk to yourself. Sometimes that does help though. Anyone to keep you company even if they aren't real.
 
  Email me if you need to talk. nirvanakitty66690@yahoo.com

Juliaa
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 131
   Posted 11/8/2006 5:17 AM (GMT -7)   

Your depiction of your mental and emotional feelings felt like a reflection pool of my own.  The “I feel like I need to scream at people, nobody I know knows about me and the hardships I have been through and I put such a good 'face' on things, but its like I suddenly need everyone to know how hard its been.”  Has the allure, for me, of instant confirmation of the wrongs ones suffered and a spontaneous cataclysmic alteration which causes’ a charming new face on me to emerge toward the world; once all the anger is vented.   Even through the blur of sensibility, I too have had that urge.  I believe on some level it is primal to protect ones self, and that venting does add a glistening aspect to it cleansing ones soul.  But alas we dare not be so vocal, so we aren’t.  

 

But I realize now that at some point my ability to focus clearly and without a shaded view was stolen from me.  That giving up what appeared to be mere paper thin slices of my self, time and again, slowly got me to where I am today.  I gave away my true self and I’m angry that it is now in the great abyss, long out of reach.  There in fact was a thief, but in most cases was myself.  So piece by piece I’m putting it together, and if by some miracle, I’m me again fabulous.  If by some true act of intervention, maybe I’m even be a better person for all of this, and that’s what I hope for you, Inner peace and prosperity.

 

 I hope you find peace and solace in and anywhere you can.  Anger, grief, sadness, it’s really the same tree is it not.  And almost all trees have seasons.  Maybe this season of gloominess is leaving so your new season of happiness may begin. Thanks for helping me see hope.  Always the best.  J

 


DX:  Migraine; SLE; Diverticulitis;HB;neuropathy and renal issues:seizures; sjogrens

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