Awww, Wizzer ... so sorry all this is floating to the surface for you today. I haven't heard the "hard done by" phrase in awhile, but I sure know how it feels. Done Unto. And ticked off! And can't do anything about it!
You may be sad, but you aren't selfish or childish! What happened in the past may be past now, but it did happen, and it happened to you, and you were affected by it. That is the reality. You'll deal with it, put responsibility where it belongs, and move on .. the meds will help stengthen you to do this.
Hey Hopeful, you hit the nail on the head there. I am dealing with my grief at the loss of loved ones this year, but moreso I am trying to deal with the regrets I have in life.
You said in your post My therapist pointed out that I am likely grieving much more than just the loss of the marriage but the dreams that went with it and all of the other hurts that came before it. How are you getting though this?
I thought I had put my past probelms to bed. I confronted them head on and 'resolved' them, but right now they are back and visiting me tenfold. In the past I have dealt with my depression myself, looked at each thing that makes me so sad, worked on either removing the problem, working it out or accepting that it is out of my control and moved on, but this year has been so tough and I can't seem to break the depression into manageable chunks. I am the one that is usually the calm in a crisis, but I just can't rise to the challenge at the moment. I have certainly found out who 'my friends' are in my family because of it and that hurts.
I worry about everthing, even the stuff that is out of my control. I worry about what people think of me, I want everyone to be happy regardless of how that makes me feel etc. I have had enough now and stuggle to justify those feelings - of putting me first. I wanted to become a doctor but circumstances didn't allow it, now at 34 I am really angry at those who played a part in it not happening. My parents made me homeless at 13, my education went out of the window, I was raped, I nearly starved to death and was hospitalised because of it etc. I thought I dealt with those issues, now I feel that I am perhaps having a mid life crisis - does that mean I will only live to 68?? Something else to worry about!
Post Edited (indygirl) : 11/8/2006 9:41:14 AM (GMT-7)
Your depiction of your mental and emotional feelings felt like a reflection pool of my own. The “I feel like I need to scream at people, nobody I know knows about me and the hardships I have been through and I put such a good 'face' on things, but its like I suddenly need everyone to know how hard its been.” Has the allure, for me, of instant confirmation of the wrongs ones suffered and a spontaneous cataclysmic alteration which causes’ a charming new face on me to emerge toward the world; once all the anger is vented. Even through the blur of sensibility, I too have had that urge. I believe on some level it is primal to protect ones self, and that venting does add a glistening aspect to it cleansing ones soul. But alas we dare not be so vocal, so we aren’t.
But I realize now that at some point my ability to focus clearly and without a shaded view was stolen from me. That giving up what appeared to be mere paper thin slices of my self, time and again, slowly got me to where I am today. I gave away my true self and I’m angry that it is now in the great abyss, long out of reach. There in fact was a thief, but in most cases was myself. So piece by piece I’m putting it together, and if by some miracle, I’m me again fabulous. If by some true act of intervention, maybe I’m even be a better person for all of this, and that’s what I hope for you, Inner peace and prosperity.
I hope you find peace and solace in and anywhere you can. Anger, grief, sadness, it’s really the same tree is it not. And almost all trees have seasons. Maybe this season of gloominess is leaving so your new season of happiness may begin. Thanks for helping me see hope. Always the best. J