Depression and Social Withdrawl

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Dave1234
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/16/2006 8:11 PM (GMT -7)   
 
Hello,
I've been feeling different for about 2 years now and i just realized that it is depression. My main problem has been that i have been going through social withdrawl, i find it hard to make conversation with people (including my friends). Before i developed depression i was a reletively outgoing person and i had many close friends, but then i somehow found a way to distance myself from them and i wasn't quite sure why i was doing it so when they asked why i didn't hang out with them much anymore i didn't have an anwser. Drifting away from my friend made my depression worse but when i got lonely and needed my close friends i had already drifted to far away from them and was having trouble connecting with them so my encounters with them 1 on 1 were uncomfortable. I still see them and hang out with them but whenever i'm around people i don't feel like talking and when i do i don't feel comfortable. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for about 2 months now and she disgnosed me with depression and is starting me on medication soon. I was just wondering if anyone has experienced something similar to what i'm going through with having trouble making conversation with other people and does the medication help with the social withdrawl aspect of depression?
 
Thanks
 
David

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/16/2006 8:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi David and welcome. You are not alone. Social withdrawl is a common symptom of depression. Depression is a like the black abyss and eventually one will feel quite disconnected. I am so glad that you have gone to the doctor and that you have reached out here too. The worst thing you can do is to isolate yourself. Most of your friends won't understand but you might be surprised how many people you know have suffered with mild or severe depression. Most people don't talk about it until you do. What medication did she prescribe? I know that Paxil is especially effective for social anxiety and depression. Take care.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


IsThereHope?
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 11/16/2006 8:22 PM (GMT -7)   
yeah, I tend to avoid people when I feel like crap too....
cell phone rings, friends-- I often ignore-- I ignore e-mails-- I'm not too sure WHY I do either... I often wonder... why do they want to even be this miserable persons friend?
I hope you get better soon. good luck...

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/16/2006 8:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Istherehope -- you wouldn't be a friend if their wasn't something they love about you. The funny thing is, I have never gone through a major depression before. At first I was content to hide out, then it got unbearable (thoughts of ending it) and I had no choice but to reach out. Now, the phone rings off the hook! I am an INTROVERT and I now feel the pressure to call everybody back. The truth is, people like it when you show vulnerability and transparency. They wouldn't be your friend in the first place if they didn't care about you. Of course, a lot of people are only "fair weathered friends" but depression will surely weed those out. Just, please don't isolate. It is the worst thing you can do. Depression left untreated gets worse. Feel better soon.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


Deesse
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 11/17/2006 7:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I didnt realize social withdrawal was a symptom of depression. I always thought it was just part of my personality. Youre not alone David, I feel just like you do.
Inside of me is a happy person struggling to get out!


nikosi
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 11/17/2006 7:46 PM (GMT -7)   
hello David,
 I can certainly relate to the isolation deal. I have been doing it for about 3 years now. It is a lonely and scary place to be day after day. For myself It didnt just happen out of the blue. There was a catalyst. Because of that catalyst I no longer trust...so the idea of giving up my isolation is worse than isolation itself. Work is tough, making a meal is tough, walking the dog is tough..etc.
 The reconnecting with other people gets tougher as you go. At least it does for me. I have no one left. I looked around me one day and decided to get rid of all the negative people in my life, and alas, that included everybody. Which was okay for a while.
 I no longer have any idea how to deal with new people that I meet. A fear of rejection is what holds me hostage.
 I have tried meds...I dont like the side affects...but I might have to try them again after a recent suicide attempt.
 What really gets me is the assumptions a lot of people make. On the outside I look really good. I own my own home and am financially secure. Everybody thinks I have everything going for me. I moved here 3 years ago and knew no one. I still dont know anyone, except the people from my work place.
 I'll tell you what I do do though when it gets to tough to handle...and I am not a religous fanantic, I pray. I pray a lot. And I go see my phsychologist. I also count my blessings.
 I dont know if anything I have said is a help, but it was good for me to say something to someone.

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/17/2006 9:03 PM (GMT -7)   
hi Nikosi, you are half way there - you cleaned closets with your negative friends. I too had to do that. I seemed to be attracted to "takers" in significant others, friends, bosses, etc. I felt ashamed because I knew that other people had good and wonderful friends. I'd like to recommend a book to you "Safe People" by Henry Cloud. It's an easy read. I think it might help you to take baby steps in trusting people again -- the right people. So glad you didn't succeed in your suicide attempt. Isolation is dangerous and meds are the complete answer. You are on the right path. Thanks for sharing your story.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


nikosi
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 11/18/2006 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
thankyou for the reply hopefulmigrainer,
 I looked at your profile and had to laff when i saw you to have a dog named Samson. Only I spell it Sampson. He really is a truly wonderful gift that came to me last June. He gets me off the couch. I have a kitty to named C.C.-short for cuddle cat. I will definately look up the reading material you have suggested.
 I know I am on the right track, as I have attempted it time and time again. I just get tired of it all. Theres so many things to change and I dont have anyone in my corner except my 16 year old daughter and my 20 year old son, and I am fully aware it is not good to lean on them to much as it isnt healthy. My daughter attempted suicide at the tender age of 14. My depression is spilling out into my children.
 My job does not help either as it is an all male orientated industry and I am female. I have come to despise it and almost every man I work with. This to must change. But I feel it is a little late to be searching for a new career at this age, being 43. I have no real education and have the added affliction of a very bad back problem. Some call it psyatica, others say its fibro.- to me it doesnt need a lable. I just know its a constant in my life and something I have to be aware of at all times. Its a definate deterrant to a lot of job opportunities.
 Oh yes, and lets not forget that christmas is coming. Can we just cancel it for once?
 Most of the time I walk around feeling like everyone can see 'the problem'. Its been a ridiculous life. I just seem to be one of those people that doesnt have to leave the house to get into trouble with others, all I have to do is answer the phone. eyes

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/18/2006 11:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nikosi, thank GOD for your little creatures -- Sampson & CC. I rescued my little doggie 2 yrs. ago. I am 42, always wanted kids. Got married at 40 and my husband left with an EMAIL in exactly 4 months. Cruel. My heart goes out to you about your back pain. I have chronic daily complicated resistant migraines. I'm at my wits end. I attempted suicide at 16 - I thinkit was just a cry for help but your daughter has a chance because you are aware of your own depression and you can validate the way she is feeling. To this day, I don't understand it but my parents told the psyche "she'll be okay." I haven't had an easy life either. I keep waiting for the "2nd half" to be the good half. You are not alone. Post here and lots of people will be around to support you. Take care.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


nikosi
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 11/18/2006 12:49 PM (GMT -7)   
dear hopefulmigrainer,
 thanx for the reply-smile-sometimes I think that its only the circumstances in my life that are depressing me, but have found out that if you stay depressed long enuff eventually the chemicals in your brain do change and stay that way.
 Today will be the first day back at work since that awful night. I know I am not ready, but if I dont go then financially we will all suffer and that will add to the problem- so I am screwed if I do and screwed if I dont.
 My big Sampson ( german shepard) is always by my side givving me his quiet support and unconditional love. He worries about me so much he sometimes drives me crazy. He wont leave me alone for a minute. I turn around in the kitchen and I stumble over him every time. Havvinng him in my life really worked for me for a while..but eventually the loneliness of not havving other people in my life gets so big I cant ignore it anymore. And I go down that black hole again.
 As for your parents saying 'shell be okay' I can relate really well to that. Mine always said 'your tough and you can do it'....to me it was just another way of abbandoning me...their way of saying 'yer on yer own with this one'. I always believed it..maybe even thrived on it, but it no longer works and my armor is rusting really fast. According to my daughter I come across as a very intimidating and together woman...nothing could be further from the truth. I am weak...I hurt...I cry.
 And aww yes..the husband issue. Wasnt that a fun and fulfilling excercise?! Mine turned out to be a coke addicted bisexual. Didnt find out for the first 7 years...tried to change it for the next 10 and yes I feel really dumb. I feel like after all that who could possibly want such a screwed up individual in their lives?? I am grateful I found this site tho-smile- it means that if I dont want to get dressed I dont have to to connect with another human being face to face but I can still reach out. scool

 Is this as good as it gets...?


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/18/2006 4:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nikoso, so glad that you are reaching out here. My story is long and miserable -- I posted a lot on the A/P forum too cuz I was a wreck with anxiety about many things - primarily financial to the point of gas in the car and physical - have to go back to work w/ debiliating migraines and the depression of looking at my life and saying what the H happened here? I too am seen as strong and confident but I struggle with so many things, it just gets to be too much sometimes. I got through 2 suicidal times. This site has helped me a lot. I like to encourage others and that has helped me as much as being encouraged by others. You know my doggie Samson saved my life. When my husband left, I grieved for 4/1/2 straight months - daily, unrelenting, deep pain and sorrow and eventually the HOPELESSNESS came. 2 things stopped me - 1) my dog and 2) my cat. I would picture my dog lying next to me waiting for me to wake up and no matter how bad it got I knew I couldn't do that to him. The love is so unconditional. I went to the dog park today (we both love) and a thought came into my mind...I wonder how many CEO's would come here with their dog. I feel like an alien sometimes in this world but when I come to HW site I can see that I am not. about your husband, mine could be gay. The jury is out and I'll never know. I'll never have any closure. He won't talk to me at all. Something is wrong with him. It could be so many things but chances are he is a latent homosexual and I was his hope for being normal. I dunno but he hurt me bad and the worst thing is he isn't worth one drop of my tears! Hopefully, my good heart will be repaired and yours too! Try to find happiness in the little things and post a new thread here so that others can support you too. Feel better. God bless.
Talk2Kel 
DX: chronic migraine, cervical degeneration, depression/anxiety 
RX: Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Soma, Immitrex 
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."


Dave1234
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/19/2006 1:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm going on Ciraplex, all i know about it is the side effects and such. I didn't know differents medicines affect different symtoms.

MrsGriffin
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 11/19/2006 5:35 AM (GMT -7)   
I noticed that, since taking Cymbalta, I've been more social. So yes, meds have helped me in this area.
I'm a 36 year old mother, have had Crohn's for 14 years.  Taking Imuran, Pentasa, prednisone, Prevacid, Forvia, fish oil and Cymbalta.


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/19/2006 10:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dave, not everybody has all of the side effects listed. They have to list them as someone or many people had that side effect in the clinical trial. I hope that the med helps you and that you will have little side effects. Let us know how you do.
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."
 
"The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground."
 
"You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven."


nikosi
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 11/19/2006 2:10 PM (GMT -7)   
hello hopefulmigrainer,
 big smile- lotsa tears-seems like we have a lot in common..who knew. God works in mysterious ways. You just gotta try.
 My dog to saved my life...for a while. My biggest problem is I still talk to this jerk. I still try to help. Its like talking to a bowl of jello. I have been so concerned about him that I forgot about me. I have to let go or I will drown. Some would say 'whats to lose?' Love is a funny thing. I think the biggest thing for me is he has my love, a part of my soul, and I cant get it back. But my soul has had enuff and I am sick now too and have been for a very long time. I just cant believe that another human being would do that to another and as a woman we tend to internalize it. In our minds we know its not us...in our hearts we dont. The eternal optomist...always hopeful...and now I just see the grains of my life slipping threw my fingers and time is so short, and what other being wants to listen to this and blah blah blah. All the negative messages are there constantly day in and day out. So are the good ones...but those are hard to hear at times. Aftre being separated for 3 years I think I am still in shock...still searching for the magic words that will fix him and give me back what he stole.
 I wish we did have a doggie park...lol..sometimes I take my big guy down to the river and he plays 'rock'. He loves to roll rocks around and tease me with' come get my rock'. He makes me laff, really laff. picked up 10 pounds of dog poo yesterday too...almost felt normal for a minute.
 Went to chapters yesturday, the book you recommended wasnt available, but they will order it for me. But i did find something else...its called 'sacred contracts' by Caroline Myss. Its a spiritual book about the contract we made with God and how we can get back on course when we take a detour. It ties Buddahism in with islam, christianity etc. along with astrology, and it has some excercises so you can try and find your true path. I refuse to believe this is it. My soul is starved for truth and if nothing changes, well then....nothing changes.
 The guys at work were okay...dont know how much they know but I try not to think about that. Cant afford to, and they are not important anyways...I hate them all. I am always very nice and polite but where I work and their attitudes just keep my pain front and centre in my head. I gotta find a different job as it to is a symptom of my pain. We all work for the same industry, meaning me and the jerk. Its just a constant reminder. So I will take the big plunge and go job hunting day after tomorrow. Get that..I do 2 days of work and get 4 more off. If I sit and do nothing for 4 more days I will be at risk again. I am encouraging my girl to spend time with her friends and to find happiness in that. I feel so guilty about what she knows and what she has been through. Lately she has had to be the mom. Thats not right. eyes

 Is this as good as it gets...?


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/19/2006 6:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nikosi, it sounds like you acknowledge that their are good times and good people and good thoughts along with all of the bad. That is half the battle -- seeing the grey in between. It sounds like you are a passionate woman in spite of the depression. That will take you far. And, hey, anybody who loves dogs (animals) is very special in my book! The jerk is just one jerk in the sea. Don't forget that their are a lot of good men out there too. I have realized that it's not that I am a jerk magnet - it is more likely that they went fishing and I got stuck on the hook. In other words, they played the numbers game. Also, I know that lots of good guys crossed my path and I wasn't ready for them. That hurts and angers me - towards myself though - and I also have to let those feelings go. One thing I know is that you need to forgive him. That forgiveness is for YOU and not for him. Do you have a therapist you can work with? Are you going to be alone for the T-giving weekend? Can you line up some activities with friends and/or family? I think it's important that you don't isolate during the holidays. The holidays are a very vulnerable and dangerous time for many. My Mom and I are volunteering at a soup kitchen for the homeless this year. I think it is very wise that you are going to go job hunting. One step can have a positive domino effect. I've had a really horrible couple of years but I'm hopeful again and I hope that you can feel that way too.
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."
 
"The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground."
 
"You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven."


nikosi
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 11/20/2006 6:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Hopefulmigrainer,
 Yes I have forgiven this man...but only just recently stumbled upon the fact that just because you forgive someone does not mean you have to be with them, hang with them or say anything to them. its been tough..finally said I wanted no more contact with him just 2 days ago...thats tough too. But he was the last negative thread in my life to be cut lose. Had to be done tho...he just confuses me.
 Holidays and friends...I have no friends really. Just the guys at work and that gets complicated as most are married etc. They cant exactly go home to their wife and say' hey hon, like ya to meet my friend from work'...I doubt that would go over very well. That tends to make most wives paranoid and puts the guy in an awkward position..
 Sure I can go hang with the divorced guys club at their watering hole (bar) but that just turns into a gong show. No thanx. I do have a son whjo lives here and we do get along...and then theres my girl. But they are teens and young adults...they'll come watch a movie for a bit but are very busy with their social lives...and parents are 'not cool' to hang with.
 Its basically just me and C.C. and Sampson...and sometimes I feel thats for the best as I tend not to like very many people. But it kinda works against being human...we are a social creature after all. I am seeing a psycholigist. He suggested I go work at the soup kitchen here...funny you should mention it. My daughter said she would like to go if I go. Am not afraid of street people or people down on their luck...they seem more emotionally real than a lot of people who seem to have it together. Did my time on the street as a kid, and am lucky to be here. Should've died a long time ago...but I can relate really well to people that are suffering hard times due to bad choices or mental health issues.
 I am hoping through this book that I mentioned to you that I will find out where I am supposed to be...I feel like a misplaced person....and kinda like 'whats the point?' Like blaaaahhhhh...just sitting in a bus depot waiting to die kinda feeling that w eyes nt go away.
 Is this as good as it gets...?


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/20/2006 12:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nikosi, I would take your daughter up on the soup kitchen idea. Also, you could have a little T-giving dinner for the furry kids. :) I think both Sampson and CC could have a little ham. You sound like a survivor. I never had to fend for myself on the streets - serving in the soup kitchen might be a good way to give back and to show you how far you have come - what strength you have to overcome. You might not feel "happy" yet but that will come too. I hope this book helps you. I believe that we were created for connection with God and with each other. Without that, there is not much meaning to life. Another great book is "Your best life now." I was very inspired by this book. He is a Christian Pastor who believes in the power of visualization. I need to read it again because I remember it helping me during my darkest days. I am praying for you. Take care.
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."
 
"The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground."
 
"You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven."


nikosi
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 11/21/2006 11:08 AM (GMT -7)   
hello Hopefulmigrainer,
 well, today is a new day isnt it. Somehow I feel like this great big hand has come along and grabbed me by the back of my shirt and is gently but firmly dragging me to my feet...and down the road. Its saying 'move...or die'. I tried to ignore it, telling myself ' I dont have the energy for this...and I cant possibly do what you're suggesting'. I was in the back yard playing tossy toy with Sampson yesterday...and got a vision. I saw Sampson and myself visiting older people...It was very strong. This vision chased me around all afternoon untill I finally conceded and got on the phone with some volunteer organizations. Now....Sampson has an interview with me at a local extended care facility on thurs. Gulp. Scary. I mean just because he has helped me does that mean he can help others? Will they reject him? Just because I love him to bits doesnt mean everyone is going to...maybe He was intended only for me...its pretty arrogant to think he could be the same thing to someone else isnt it? The fear of rejection ways heavily in on this venture. Failure would bring me crashing back down. And the lady on the phone sounds...uppity..I get the vision of a condescending, well dressed, I'm better than you type of person. And I always turn into a 3 year old on the inside when dealing with these sorts of people. I never feel good enuff when in those situations and that rejection is immenent.
 My girl is going to come with me and hold my hand...thank God for her. I also made another mile stone last night. The ex tried to contact me even tho I said there would be no contact anymore. Have said this before and renegged on my promise to myself. Not this time. I gave the phone to my girl and told her that from now on it was just going to be him and her...no talking about mom..just them and their relationship...and please take the phone somewhere else 'cause I'll just end up breaking down and talking to that bowl of jellow again. All of a sudden I have this strength...and many ideas. Its been years since I felt this way.
 I still have many fears and it would be oh so easy to just forget about everything...but this great big hand wont let me...dont know if I have set myself up for a bad time and if I am going to make a jack ass out of myself with this one.
 Thankyou for your prayers-smile-hope your t-weekend went okay. Ours was last month as I am in Canada.
 I have to take 'the big guy' to the vets today and get his shots updated etc for this interview. Then the criminal check etc. Its a process...gulp. cool
 Is this as good as it gets...?


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/21/2006 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nikosi, reading your post brought tears to my eyes. You have come so far in such a short time. Of course it's scary and of course you have doubt and bad feelings and on and on, HOWEVER, you are taking steps to LIVING again. Your idea about taking Sampson visiting older people is AWESOME. I never thought of that and I think it is a wonderful idea. Don't worry about the uppity lady. Maybe she will surprise you but remember this adventure is not for "her" it is for the old people who need to feel that warmth of fur and look into soulful unconditional eyes. Some of them have had their health, their homes and their spirit taken from them. We both know, the power of an animal. Did you know that DOG is GOD spelled backwards? So, YES, God has His big hand on you. He is very proud becuase you are listening. He wants you to smile and apparently He wants to use your depression to help others. All I can say is WOW. I can't wait to hear more about this adventure. Oh, and if they do reject Sampson for some reason, don't worry and don't stop trying to use him to help others. I'm so proud of you for setting some boundaries with your ex. You are starting to take care of YOU. I'm not a psychologist but I have heard that depression is often time repressed anger. Sometimes us people pleasers who are continuously disillusioned with human beings can turn the dissapointment inward. When my husband left abruptly, I grieved intensely - I had a breakdown. My therapist told me that it was likely that I was grieving many dissapointments in life and not just the marriage and that was why it was so intense. My Samson went to the vet yesterday and had a sebacious cyst and an endoma removed. I believe that God blessed me in finding a new Vet. I had gone to a clinic (financial hardship) and the vet there was cold and scared the living daylights out of me. He said "tumor" and "heart murmur" and $1000 to removed. I was going to have to take up a collection for him but even worse I was suicidal and knew that if he wasn't okay - neither would I be! It was a horrible time for me. I also suffer with Generalized Anxiety Disorder so I was curled up in a ball over it. So, having this removed is a huge relief for me. I am so in love with my boy. I am 42 and do not have children (always wanted them) so Samson is my baby. I have a 14 yr. old cat too. He is wonderful too. Can't wait to hear about Sampson's interview but don't worry about it - just do it. :)
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."
 
"The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground."
 
"You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven."


nikosi
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 11/21/2006 5:23 PM (GMT -7)   
hello Hopefulmigrainer,
 smile- I posted a note to you yesterday but it never got posted for some reason-I was again talking about my big guy and where I had found him and that YES indeed-dog spelled backwards spells God. I'll tell the story again.
 He found me at work. He was hanging around, lieing on the cold cement in the middle of june. He was starving and weak. The guys called the dog catcher- but when the dog catcher came he dissappeared-when the catcher left, he reappeared. Thats when my inner voice said, 'hey wait a minute- hes here for me". This call is for me. At one point I went to drive the company vehicle around the side of the building and this dog stood up right in front of the van and stared at me over the hood. Contact. I had no choice but to look into those big soulfull suffering eyes and I knew he was going home with me.
 If I had a magic wand and waved it at Sampson, there is no doubt in my mind he would turn into the biggest, most handsomest man in all the world, with the deepest understanding of suffering and pain. Oh for magic wands and fairy tales. You see, I had been praying for a handsome man with good manners- but I wasnt specific enough I guess- I forgot to mention the word 'human'. And I believe its another lesson in you dont always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.
 I started out okay this morning and went steadily down hill. You see, my suicide attempt did not just include me. I am sorry to say, at that moment in my dark and twisted way of thinking, I could not bear to leave my child here, alone, to deal with lifes b.s. all by herself. At that point I saw no choice but to take her with me. I was going to kill us both. I scared her really bad...and she has a bad time being here at times. She doesnt trust me now, and she is quiet and withdrawn. This is horrible..I really screwed up. She has dealt with so much already at the tender age of 16..yet we have no family support to speak of who can help. She has no where else to go and refuses to go into care. She says she'll run away if I make her do that. All I can do is step up to the plate and be a bigger and better person at this point.
 So, yes I am going to do this new venture. I like old folks. I used to have my own cleaning business years ago and most of my clients were elderly. I'de get to their houses only to find them immaculate and all the old dolls wanted was a chat. Smile. Of course I'de talk with them- at the time I was alone too and dealing with the same old demon- the gay ex. Only then we were still pretending, and my little girl was blissfully ignorant with no knowledge of our problems at all. She was hiding in her beanny babies, making book marks and selling them for a quarter door to door in our neighbourhood and taking sewwing lessons. How I miss that little girl.
 I hope your Samson is okay. Sounds like you did the right thing taking him to a different vet. If something doesnt feel right..it generally isnt. Always listen to your gut feelings.
 I know if I lost my Sampson right now I'de be lost- hes my life line. My girl is to...but have had to step back from that for obvious reasons.
 I wish I could afford to take a rest, to focus on me and my problems and come to a conclusion. I know I shouldnt be working right now and at times should probably be in a hospital. Things get so hard sometimes I feel like my feet are stuck in mud. I forget to eat, cant sleep and am on the brink of tears a lot.
 But, my dear, it is wonderful to have you here to talk to. I cant believe my luck. Well, luck has nothing to do with it really. God gives us what we need. :-)   

 Is this as good as it gets...?


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/21/2006 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nikosi, I'm going to post my email addy so you can write to me and we can continue a dialogue. I'll even send you pics of my furry kids. The ups and downs of the day are "normal" when you are suffering depression. 1) Are you taking anti-depressants? 2) Are you seeing a psychologist? Your inner voice is leading you well and God brought HealingWell into your life for a reason. You are here for a purpose. If nothing else, your daughter and Sampson and CC. Sometimes when I write to others I am writing to myself. It has been cathartic for me. Did you order the book "Your Best Life Now?" This book was on the New York Times best seller list. I think you will like it. Don't judge yourself when you are reading it (I do that) because the author is going to tell you that you are special just the way you are and that you were created for a purpose. I love the visualization. A lot of Christian books don't emphasize that but visualization is very powerful. A lady that I met on here gave me a word picture. I will share it with you. When it gets really bleak or you are angry or hopeless, picture yourself curled up in Gods lap. Tell him that you are going to give him all of your problems now and that you know that He will take care of them. Let him comfort you. When it gets to the point that we are going to committ suicide, that's when we realize that God is all we've got. I'm saddened to hear that this plan included your daughter. Maybe if she sees that you are going to a therapist, she will eventually come along with you. Your daughter may grow up trying to rescue men. That's what I did my whole life -- when I was the one who needed rescuing. We will try to rescue someone because we could never rescue our own parent/significant relationship. Your daughter needs to see you get better. Just tell her that you are trying and you are taking steps in the right direction and that you are very sorry that you hurt her and scared her. If my Mom had validated me about my life I might not need to get everyones approval the way I do. Nikosi, if your doctor knows what your thoughts are, she may be able to put you out on State disability. I think it is extremely important that you talk to a therapist about your previous plan. Our minds are too powerful to take for granted. Promise me you will do that??? Hello to Sampson and CC. My Samson is a rescue too. He was abused and would flinch at my feet. He looked worried all of the time (go figure that I would get an anxious dog) and his brow would get those little wrinkles. He was very agressive on the leash. I didn't know if he thought he had found a good thing and was going to protect it from all of the people and dogs or he was acting out with fear-agression (probably both) but he is a completely different dog now. Loves people, loves dogs and most of all loves me. Take care.
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."
 
"The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground."
 
"You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven."


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/21/2006 7:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi David, I realize it's only been a few days but how are you feeling? Do you have plans to get together with family this holiday season?
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."
 
"The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground."
 
"You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven."


jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 11/21/2006 8:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there Nikosi
I have been following your story with a great deal of interest..our friend 'hopeful' is a wonderful lady..wow she gives good advice!

In life I think we meet angels along the way to help us when we are at our lowest..I think your Sampson - could be yours, as you are his...Working with the elderly can be really rewarding I wish you well on your quest..sometimes working as a volunteer can lead to a suprise job opportunity - one never knows what's round the corner and I believe that you are truly ready for some of the good stuff!

Have you got goals to work towards in your life?...I can remember someone asking me that one day when I was at my lowest point and thinking 'no' and asking myself 'why not?' I then realised I was living on a day to day basis and really only just survivng..I had to look at myself very closely and take stock of what the heck was going on around me and how others closest to me were handling what was happening to me! It was a bit of a wake up call really. Wondering if you have asked your daughter the same thing..maybe you could write down ideas and goals together and maybe plan how you can help each other achieve some of these things...it could be a way of bringing you a little closer together again. They don't have to be big goals just little things to start with...

I see from one of your first postings that you have tried meds but you didn't like the side effects...maybe you were on the wrong one and wondering did you discuss this with the health prof. who prescribed these meds for you...honestly I have been where you are in life just now and meds made it so much easier to concentrate on getting well - as well as struggling through the rough patches that life threw at me..I know meds are not for everyone but please consider trying another one.

Looking forward to a positive posting from you. Take good care of you and yours.
Maree

nikosi
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 11/21/2006 11:04 PM (GMT -7)   
hello hopefulmigrainer & jordaNzone,
 Yes, I am seeing a psychologist. I go again on thurs afternoon. My girl went to my first session with me which was last week. Hopefulmigrainer I cant find your e-mail addy. Am I looking in the wrong place?
 The thing that bothers me about the psychologist is he puts a clock on the counter when we start, and I pay 50$ an hour that I can ill afford. It just seems...impersonal.
  I was on lithium years ago. It made me the dead thing walking- no feeling at all. I watched my daughter try paxil and effexor-both of which gave her panic and anxiety attacks so I am not real anxious to go there at all.
 I understand her not trusting me..I wouldn't either after that. She had to take control of the situation..get the knife out of my hand and get me into bed where she held me till I cried myself to sleep. I couldnt believe I was  doing it while I was doing it. The very next day I got up and found a psychologist and got on it. I knew if I didnt we were done.
 In Canada our social programs suck at the best of times. I live in the province of Alberta- which is not known for treating mental health patients with a lot of kindness. You have to be nearly dead with a disease to get on A.I.S.H. and even then they only pay about 700/mnth- I'de lose my house. Then try and find a place to rent that takes animals..good luck with that. I looked. No one wants pets in rentals anymore. Sampson needs a yard.
 This is an up and down thing with me...yes its manic depression, brought on by years of unhealthy situations.
 My mother wasnt much help when I was young. She hated me and always told me 'I knew when you were born you'de be my cross to bare'. She and my father were chronic alcoholics so the three of us kids grew up in the flight or fight syndrom. My sister is on the streets of Vancouver somewhere( havent seen her or my mother for 14 years) and my brother committed suicide in 1985. I said goodbye to my dad last January...I couldnt handle him anymore.
 It was never a dull moment at our house, with the added problem of my mom constantly trying to come up with a fool proof plan to kill my dad. All of us kids were counseled by her to do this. Its how we grew up- she wanted the insurance money and him gone. I wound up on the streets of Edmonton by the age of 15 on intravenous drugs and little chance of survival. I licked that problem at age 20 and havent looked back or relapsed. I have been married twice now and each one was a horror story. My 1st husband sodomized my eldest boy who is now 22- but you see what I am saying here- if its never been calm and normal EVER then how does one get calm and normal? I believe its conditioning from the get go to be like this.
 My psychologist summed it up nicley: so, youre one of these people that keeps there nose to the grind stone till you grind your nose off-
 There are no visual crisis happening right now. My bills are paid. I have a car and a house. To all looking from the outside it looks like I must have a wonderful life. Truth be told I havent got a clue how to live. In a crisis situation I am at my best. My hero comes out and saves the day.
I do have my triggers. A raised voice, a car door slammed really hard or crowds of people will usually send me into panic mode. My heart pounds and I cant breath. I usually just close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing and it passes...but it leaves me feeling sad and that all is pointless. The guys at work have learned the hard way not to slam the van door. I handle them sternly- almost in an army fashion. I gotta watch that. Polite but testy at the same time.
 I have been using my own visualisation- God has me in the palm of his hand and I am curled up resting-sometimes I see me and my 3 kids with me-I have 2 boys and my girl-both boys are on their own. Theres a lot of guilt here. So many ifs, and I wishes-but tomorrow is another day-
 I say the lords prayer every day, sometimes I say it all day- along with the serenity prayer it helps. Going to church is a whole other issue. I just cant. Thats a whole other posting...lol..
 I am so glad to have found this sight- tears hugs and smiles for all and a big thankyou.
 Is this as good as it gets...?

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