Hi Shy, I am so sorry that your going through this. I dont have depersonalization, but I do have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which is something that a lot of people who like us who have traumatic events in their lives/childhoods deal with. I have had the dreams and the little memories that pop up out of no where when I am not even thinking of it.
As a side track here, my crazy aunt who lives in Kansas City...which is also where my ex-stepfather (the molester) lives. Found herself an apartment a block away from him. When she realized that he lived there...(this was last week), she went to his door and had it out with him and his wife. She also went and knocked on all his neighbors’ doors and told them that they had a molester living next to them. She had the police called on her...and I had to be the one to call and tell her to leave the man alone...even though in my heart and head I was glad she did it.
But it goes to show that every little thing brings it up again, no matter if it was from your own experience or from something you saw on the news that happened to some other poor little kid. That is what PTSD is all about and it doesn’t go away, it is always there in the back of your mind.
I was wondering if you had a Rape and Abuse Crisis Center where you live Shy? They are very hard to find and dont usually advertise but they would provide counseling for you since you dont have insurance right now. Especially since all you have been through, it may be worth checking into.
My thoughts are always with you...
ElishaCo~Mod: DepressionModerator: Heart & Cardiovascular Diseasehttp://www.healingwell.com/donate
Well, I have always had that fear of therapy too. My mom would try to get me to go to counseling as a kid and I would refuse to talk to them. As I got older and knew I had a problem I saw several different psychiatrists who don’t really "counsel you" so much as skim the top of things and prescribe medication. There was once when I started seeing a counselor and talking of all the abuse issues as my nightmares were bad and I was having thoughts of hurting myself. The more I went to the counselor the worse my psychiatric symptoms became so, I stopped going.
A year ago when I became physically sick with some serious heart problems, my psychiatrist set me up with a counselor in his office. I started going once a week for months on end and most times didn’t talk about anything in particular. It was a good 10 months before we even started to discuss my abuse issues and he (my counselor) know of them. So I was able to build up trust with him and felt comfortable talking to him. I think for me it wasn’t so much what happened, the actions but all the after effects of it. I had held it all in for so long. And everything that happened from then still effects everything that I do today and coming to terms with that.
This forum has helped a lot. I have written of what happened and each time I feel a little piece set free or break away. The letter you wrote not too long ago...did you feel some freedom after writing that? After getting those toxic feelings out? That is almost what therapy feels like. It is difficult, and it does bring up a lot of bad stuff that we would rather leave alone, but once you get it out you can go on with the rest of your life a whole person.