Depression and couples

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windlbownmonkey
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/21/2006 10:54 PM (GMT -7)   
My girlfriend has recently became very depressed. We have been together for over 3 years, with no problems. We lived together for the last six months. She has fallen into a deep depresssion and is suffering from a lot of effects that also effect me. She has lost her sexual desire, not only for me but for anyone. She has become withdrawn and doesn't talk to me about any problems anymore. And it's been getting worse. She requested that she have some time alone so that she could deal with this on her own. I tried to convince her that talking would be better, but she wanted to be alone for a while, so Let her stay with her friend for about a week, where she could have her house to herself usualy. Since then she became much more withdrawn and now refuses to talk to anyone about any problems. She refuses to be touched or held and it's realy worrying me. she just stays there alone, and wont answer anyones calls. When we go by she'll let us in and and we can talk as long as it's nothing of importance. When we ask why she is doing all of this she says she doesn't know. We just have convinced her to get help and she is now on medication. However she's no longer wanting to be in any kind of intimate, or caring relationship with anyone. She just wants time alone. She says she's not suicidal, but I'm still very worried. After all these years of a great relationsip, I've been pushed out and mostly ignored, and it's very hard for me to deal with this. I feel honestly like this is worse on me than it is for her. How can I deal with all this pain, and what can I do to help her? She refuses to talk about anything, and I can't get her to open up. She snaps at everyone, she quit school, and has no job. Is there a chance this medication could actualy help her? I'm afraid I'll never see the fun loving, compassionate girl that I loved only months ago. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 11/22/2006 9:30 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi windbownmonkey,  I am so sorry about your girlfriend and your relationship.  Depression is a very devastating disease for the person who has it and for everyone who is in that person’s life.  I can relate to a lot of what you have written as I am just like that when my depression is at its highest, I just want to be left alone and wont to talk to anyone.  What I would say to you would be to give her, her space but do let her know that you are there for her and that you care.  Try not to push her and respect her feelings and whatever boundaries she has put up for now.  When her depression clears and hopefully the medication will help (it usually takes 4-6 weeks to reach therapeutic level) she will remember that you did as she asked and that will mean a lot to her I am sure.

I understand that for you it is a hard situation to grasp and really someone who hasn’t had depression cant really understand exactly how it feels and what it is like to go through it.  I am going to post some links for you on depression so you can read up on it...you most likely already have done some research but, a little more never hurts.  Also, please do feel free to continue to post here.  My thoughts are with you both...take care

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depression.cfm

http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/index.html

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLid=54&Contentid=23039&lstid=326

 


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


windlbownmonkey
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/22/2006 11:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks. That realy helped. It gave me a feeling that everything might actualy come out o.k. I certainly hope it does. Giving her the space she needs is going to be very hard, but I'm going to do it. I guess if she doesn't want to talk, I'll just sit back and wait untill she does. I know she's safe there, which is good for me too. I'll definately check out all those links. Anything will definately help. Thanks for the words. I'm gonna hang in there.

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/22/2006 8:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi. so sorry you are going through this. It is awful to watch someone suffer and not be able to reach them. You are doing what any loving boyfriend would do yet she seems to want just the opposite. Elisha gave you some great advice. She will remember how loving and patient you were during this time. Is she willing to talk to her girlfriends or family or a psychologist? Just getting her to talk would be very good - even if it's not you for now. How much time did you spend together before you moved in together? I got married after 1.5 years and as soon as we got married, my husband withdrew. He was obviously in a depression and shutting me out. After 4 months he just up and left with an email. Looking back, I can see that he was hiding something and that something could be his depression. We would see each other once mid-week and then spend the weekend together. You know, it's different when you live together. You can't hide anything and especially mental illness. I hope that she gets better soon. Hang in there.
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."
 
"The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground."
 
"You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven."


windlbownmonkey
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/22/2006 11:46 PM (GMT -7)   
We where together about 3 years before we moved in together. She had always had trouble with her mom, and her mom actualy acted very similar. Her mom had some problems, but she would never go to get help. I realy hope that whatever she is going through, we can help her before it gets as bad as her mother. I'm starting to believe that it's possilbly genetic. I have no way of knowing until we see if the medication is going to help. I realy hope it does. I realy do love this girl with all I have. Patience and love is all I have for her, even in the hard time. We can't get her to talk to friends, and definately not a psychologist. She certainly will not do that.
to hopefulmigrainer, thank you for the post. What you're describing is sort of what has happened to us. It was sudden that she wanted to be on her own. At first she did actualy up and leave, but later(the next day), I was able to contact her and get her to come back. We talked about why she did it, but at the time I hadn't realized that it was depression. She told me reasons why, which where all effects of depression. That's how I realized what it was. She did too, but was afraid to tell me. I could see how it would be hard to admit that you have a problem. Especialy in her case when she probobly fears that it could be an inherited problem from her mother, who she despises. I think that could be part of it too, fearing she may be becoming her mother.
She is comming over tommorow(thanksgiving), and hopefully we will talk some about the problems, and if this time apart is helping. I hope to hear some good news. I will certainly post and let you guys know how it goes. Maybee my Mother can speak with her, and offer some help
I certainly appreciate all the feedback, kind words, and caring wisdom that you are all showing me. It makes me feel so much better to know that someone out there cares enough to help me out. Thank you all. I'l pray for you all tonight.

jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 11/23/2006 1:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi windblownmonkey - cool name :)
Sometimes it's like the hardest thing in the world to explain to our nearest
and dearest how we are feeling..
eg. Q. What's wrong honey? A. Nothing! (standard reply)
And that's why when we are down we need to seek some prof. help from a counsellor or
therapist - someone neutral. Or perhaps you could suggest she posts on here at HW - we are
only too willing to listen and help where we can.
One of the reasons she may have shut everyone out is that it is just too hard and too scarey to explain what
she is going through...
You appear to have done everything humanly possible to help her..the ball is in her court really...just
be there as you are now.
Hope everything works out.
Maree

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 11/23/2006 7:11 AM (GMT -7)   
My thoughts are with you today windbownmonkey...have a happy thanksgiving and let us know how it goes.  Take care :-)

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/23/2006 11:40 AM (GMT -7)   
hi monkey, I'm praying that you have an incredible love-filled Thanksgiving with your honey.
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."
 
"The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground."
 
"You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven."


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/23/2006 11:41 AM (GMT -7)   
P.S. Do you have a brother? LOL!!!!!
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."
 
"The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground."
 
"You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven."


wizzer120
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 11/23/2006 1:35 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Monkey,

I hope you ended up having a good Thanksgiving with your girlfriend.  Sorry to hear how things are not working great at the moment.  When I was first coming to terms with how I felt the hardest person to talk to was my husband.  He is the one I love most, yet I just couldn't seem to turn to him even though he so desperately wanted me to, he needed me to, at the time i didn't realise that my depression was affecting him as much as it was me.  It took time, probably a few weeks, before I finally managed to talk to him about some of the things that I needed help with, the rest of it i have either shared with the HW memebers or kept to myself.  There is something about sharing with people that you don't know, that wont judge you and that can understand what you are going through (even when the problems are different) that makes it a little easier to open up.  Knowing that you will never have to face the people you talk to can make it much easier - so if you can make the sugestion that she visits the forum - do it.  We're all here.

My husband tried to 'fix' everything at first, and that just made things worse, I felt that I was burdening him, when really I just wanted to make him understand that sometimes it is something specific that gets you down and other times, well othertimes it is absolutely nothing - and trying to explain that nothing in particular is getting you in a state makes you feel quite stupid when someone is determined to find out whats up.  I found the worst thing is when my husband used to say "Well, it must be something...", now, he just listens, or gives me a hug, or space etc - he is being really great by learning to judge my 'moods', while I am learning to deal with my issues, past and present.

You do sound like you have done everything you can to help.  Letting her know you are there in an unpressured way is the best thing you can do, hopefully she will open up to you or a friend soon.  It is within her power not to be like her own mother, maybe she just needs some time to realise it.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hugs

Wizzer

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