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SilentTears
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 11/23/2006 12:22 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm new to this board, so excuse me if I ramble on...

This year, in fact the last 3 months, hasn't been wonderful. I just lost my husband of 11yrs. on monday. He somehow aquired that flesh eating virus. He had been sick for 2 1/2 weeks before it overcame him. Needless to say, the holidays are going to be tough. Especially with him passing away just days before.

We had 3 beautiful children together, ages 3, 4, and 7. They are no longer here as well. They were taken in August of this year.

So you can see why this is going to be a very difficult time for me. I also have been battling severe depression for most of my life. I'm still taking my meds, so that's a good thing, I guess.

Thank you for letting me ramble on... sad
We, the Depressed, in our darkest hours have
No energy to move
No reason to live
No will to survive
No hope in a cure
No reason to try.
We roam the earth as the living dead
Wanting only to extinguish
That persistant heart that beats
That ceaseless breath that enters
That pain that never relents.
Every cell of our being wants to die,

Yet we do live.


slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 11/23/2006 4:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh my God, you have been through he**. May I ask how you lost all three of your children all at once in August? And now your husband. I cannot imagine your grief. Feel free to ramble and let it all out. That's what this board is here for. I hope you have a lot of family support to help you through this time too.

My prayers are with you.

slowlygoingcrazy
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


SilentTears
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 11/23/2006 5:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I have no family support. I'm pretty much coping (or trying too) by myself... with the exception of some friends.
We, the Depressed, in our darkest hours have
No energy to move
No reason to live
No will to survive
No hope in a cure
No reason to try.
We roam the earth as the living dead
Wanting only to extinguish
That persistant heart that beats
That ceaseless breath that enters
That pain that never relents.
Every cell of our being wants to die,

Yet we do live.


Lesleybird
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 11/23/2006 10:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Sorry about your husband, but why are you avoiding telling us about your children? You say they were taken away. Do you mean taken away dead? Or taken away by custody? There is no flesh eating virus that I know of.  Do you mean a flesh eating bacteria? I am sorry that I question what you say.  Lesley

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 11/23/2006 11:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Silent, I'm so glad that you found HealingWell.  That is a start.  Their are many wonderful people here.  You must be in a state of shock.  Please be sure that you are going to a psychologist now - regularly.  Also, do you go to church?  A lot of the larger community churches have grief counseling groups and pastoral counseling.  If not, ask your therapist about a grief recovery group.  My heart goes out to you.  I am going to lift you up in prayer (hope you don't mind).  Just know that you can go on.  You have a right to be here and a purpose in spite of these horrible losses.  Just take one day at a time.  And if that get's to be too much, take one hour at a time and when you have those dark thoughts about not wanting to go on, come on here and post.  That's what I did and it helped me a lot.  Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
"You don't find out that God is all you've got until God is all you've got."
 
"The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground."
 
"You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven."


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/24/2006 10:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Lesleybird ......
I have a disease that is connected to my crohns that literally EATS my skin away from the inside out it is called Pyoderma Gangrenosum if you go to page 5 or 6 in A/P thread you can see pics of it ......The " flesh eatin disease is a real one : we had an outbreak of it here in Canada afew yrs back
Bacterial ......


Silent tears I am sorry for you loss of hubby ....I lost one in 1979 and my daughters Dad in 2003 so I do know your pain
Have your kids been taken away or what is going on there if you dont mind me asking ......
Please know there is support here
Lyn
Also an A/P forum you are welcome to pop over too
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 One thing I know for sure is we have each other and in times of need no one could be better off IMO
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
        Lyn
 


SilentTears
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 11/24/2006 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Howlyncat said...
Lesleybird ......
I have a disease that is connected to my crohns that literally EATS my skin away from the inside out it is called Pyoderma Gangrenosum if you go to page 5 or 6 in A/P thread you can see pics of it ......The " flesh eatin disease is a real one : we had an outbreak of it here in Canada afew yrs back
Bacterial ......


Silent tears I am sorry for you loss of hubby ....I lost one in 1979 and my daughters Dad in 2003 so I do know your pain
Have your kids been taken away or what is going on there if you dont mind me asking ......
Please know there is support here
Lyn
Also an A/P forum you are welcome to pop over too


Thank you...

Sorry for the mess up, it was flesh eating BACTERIA... either way, he's passed away from it. So correcting it seems pointless. Sorry to snap like that...

As for my kids, yes they were taken away... as in custody. They said I was mentally unstable to care for them and blamed my husband for leaving them with me. I was (and still am) battling severe depression and suicidal thoughts. He was worried because I've had several attempts before. It got to the point I wasn't bathing regularly (I know... ewwww), wearing the same thing for days, etc... I just didn't give a darn about anything or anyone. My husband was concerned and called for a welfare check on me and the kids (since he hadn't heard from me in awhile). Well, it got worse from there. You get the pic....
We, the Depressed, in our darkest hours have
No energy to move
No reason to live
No will to survive
No hope in a cure
No reason to try.
We roam the earth as the living dead
Wanting only to extinguish
That persistant heart that beats
That ceaseless breath that enters
That pain that never relents.
Every cell of our being wants to die,

Yet we do live.


jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 11/24/2006 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there silentTears
Well you certainly have been through heaps..
I guess now would be a good time for you to sort out what you want to do in your life.
Do you get to see your children at all?
Are you still having suicidal thoughts?
Do you suffer from panic attacks/anxiety?
Sorry about all the questions, but just need to know a bit more - so I can hopefully come up with some practical ideas to set you on the path to recovery...
When I think back I realise that I have had a lifetime of bad thinking habits...but through some good counselling, and the right meds I have been able to gain some skills for coping with the rough patches..I believe you can do the same OK :) and I know that the good people here at HW are only to willing to help you too. Look forward to reading your next post.
Maree

SilentTears
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 11/25/2006 3:51 AM (GMT -7)   
No, I don't get to see the kids, they were already adopted out. I don't like mentioning about what happened to the kids because people have some preconcieved notion that child welfare (CPS) is synonymous with drug, alchol, physical abuse. I never, nor has my husband, ever treated our kids like that.

As for suicidal thoughts... they come and go off and on. Yesterday (Thursday) was hard for me. Almost reached my breaking point then. The worst thing about this season is watching other families go shopping, kids who laugh and run around... thinking "that could be my family", and knowing it never will. Knowing I'll never buy another gift for my kids, kiss my husband under some mistletoe... feel the happiness that I once knew. I can't even go to the store, it hurts so much watching them.

While everyone else is planning parties, get togethers, family celebrations... I'm planning a way of leaving. I want out... out of this pain I'm feeling, the lonliness, emptiness I feel inside. I feel so numb right now, I could do anything and it wouldn't faze me one bit.

So twisted inside, I don't know what to do... I just know what I need to do.
We, the Depressed, in our darkest hours have
No energy to move
No reason to live
No will to survive
No hope in a cure
No reason to try.
We roam the earth as the living dead
Wanting only to extinguish
That persistant heart that beats
That ceaseless breath that enters
That pain that never relents.
Every cell of our being wants to die,

Yet we do live.


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 11/25/2006 5:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi SilentTears, You have been through so much and for that I am so sorry.  I cant help but think that there is a reason that your not being silent here...your reaching out, for help. 
Your right that not all children are pulled from their homes due to drugs and abuse issues.  It is a sad set of circumstances that you and your family have been through.
I cant help but think that what you need to do is get to your local hospital.  If you are having active sucidial thoughts then you need to be evaluated by a professional doctor...yes, a psychiatrist.  Most likely inpatient hospitalization so that you can get on some medication and be supervised properly on that medication for the first little while.  This may not be what you want to do...but it can make all the differance in you quality of life and the deepness of the depression your going through.
I dont think you want to harm yourself and something is holding you back as your posting here hoping to find that answer or inspiration to keep going.
Your husband wouldnt want you to give up...neither would your children..regardless or their circumstances (I am sure they think of you and love you).  We dont want you to give up.
I am going to post some links for you and I want you to use them...just pick up the phone and call that is all you have to do.  Please just do that...
http://suicide.com/suicidecrisiscenter/


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


SilentTears
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 11/25/2006 5:22 AM (GMT -7)   
I've been to the second one... that's how my siggy came about.

Thank you, though
We, the Depressed, in our darkest hours have
No energy to move
No reason to live
No will to survive
No hope in a cure
No reason to try.
We roam the earth as the living dead
Wanting only to extinguish
That persistant heart that beats
That ceaseless breath that enters
That pain that never relents.
Every cell of our being wants to die,

Yet we do live.


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 11/25/2006 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   
But did you call?

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


SilentTears
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 11/25/2006 10:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm already seeing a psychiatrist, but all they want to do is push pills down your throat. I'm taking Lamictal 200mg 2x a day, and Wellbutrin 150mg 2x a day.... as well as a wide assortment of other meds ($800 worth) every month. Luckily medicare pays for it. I've been taking them for over 2yrs now, I've had my ups and downs. I've lost jobs over my mood swings, loss of short term memory, etc... But after this happened, it made things a whole lot worse.

So you see, I'm at a loss as to what to do. My dr. wants to give me meds... and no one really cares. Cyber friends are great to talk too, to vent your feelings too... but it's not the same as having someone here, physically. I'm sure you can undersatand that, right?
We, the Depressed, in our darkest hours have
No energy to move
No reason to live
No will to survive
No hope in a cure
No reason to try.
We roam the earth as the living dead
Wanting only to extinguish
That persistant heart that beats
That ceaseless breath that enters
That pain that never relents.
Every cell of our being wants to die,

Yet we do live.

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