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Meds: Effexor (Venlafaxine) 225mg, Lorazepam 0.5mg, Prednisilone 5mg, lactulose 20ml, Mebeverine 30mg.
Hey there grey mouse,
know what you mean about the neighbours - it used to be a constant fear of mine.
or anyone seeing me - always afraid they would come up to me and I would 4uck everything up.
yeah , the rocking used to help me - I just used to sit there and cry and hold my knees and go backwards and forwards for hours.
I used (and still do use) books as a coping mechanism - fiction (so they wouldn't remind me of my life) adventure books , I would "become" one of the peeps in the story and "escape" life any time it got too hard.
going out takes a lot of courage - it sounds like you are still managing to go outside sometimes , I would suggest you try and get out once a day even if it's only for one minute because once you stop doing something it's hard to start doing it again - I took hours and hours to get out of the house because I was so scared but I've worked on that and now I can be out the house in no time.
another thing is that this is an illness - you are NOT lazy or slack , and this is NOT your fault , and I know how hard it is to turn this illness around because I have been in your situation , and you DO deserve to get better.
have you talked to doc/phsyc and told them that your frame of mind won't allow you to do some of these things and won't allow you to get better - maybe they ought to research your situation more and find other ways they can help you.
I want you to know that you are NOT alone and you have made a great acheivement by posting on here , we are here for you so keep posting.
As I say your situation sounds very similar to how I was (and some things that I still am) so if you want to ask me any questions or just chat about anything please fire away.
take care , Smiler
Can you tell I like it too? I started reading the book(s) when I was about 14/15 years old - I read them so much they fell apart , I bought another set which I am trying to be more careful with I also have The Hobbit (which is how Bilbo Baggins found the ring in the first place) , The Silmarillion (which relates to events far earlier than LOTR) , Unfinished Tales , and Tolkien The Illustrated Encyclopedia.
I have LOTR on video , nicked off the TV , will eventually get it on DVD box set. One thing I will say - if you've only seen the movie you gotta read the book as there are soooooooo many things they couldn't fit in (we would have been crossing our legs for a lot longer than hours if they had!). So maybe a trip to the library is in order.
I have a couple of other books in the same vein ; Dragonlance Chronicles which include Dragons of Autumn Twilight , Dragons of Winter Night , and Dragons of Spring Dawning. Dragonlance Legends which include , Time of the Twins , War of the Twins , and Test of the Twins. I have yet to get Dragonlance Tales. These books are by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman (erm.... these are falling apart too ). I also like The Way of Wyrd by Brian Bates which is about a sorcerer , magical lore of plants , runes , journeys to the spirit world - it's only a short book but very moving and uplifting. there is a whole album of music that a band did as they liked the book so much so that they told the story in songs , the band is called Sabbat , the albums name is Dreamweaver. I'm not claiming you'll like the music though - as I say I'm a metal chick (going right across most genres with a few twists thrown in for good measure). Oh and I have most of Terry Pratchetts books aswell - that was all I read when my mum died , somehow it helped me through (dya know I never even got offered counselling - pretty lame eh?).
Green Day do the eyliner thing (I've got the black nail vanish thing going at the moment) - I can't stop playing Dookie and American Idiot. Dunno if the neigbours appreciate my tone deaf accompaniment but hey , they haven't complained yet I know what ya mean about the gossip cos I used to dress gothic "back then" when it wasn't trendy , basically I got so much stick for it I reverted back to "normal" clothes - but if you look at ppl today , it's the "in" thing.
Hmmmm......... so ppl think you're weird huh? What the heck will they think I am then?? They had better start inventing some new words then hadn't they cos I'd like someone to discribe me LOL
It is NOT weak to show your emotions , I think it's very brave to open up to people , to give them something of yourself . Have you tried writing your own songs/poetry - I bet you'd be good at it. Another way I used to express myself was through drawing.
"i understand i only have two specific instances that come to mind in relation to abuse, one I cannot say for sure if it did happen" I know that sometimes when a person has had something bad happen sometimes they can't cope and your mind can have a shut down mechanism where it tries to make you forget - a bit like when someone has a car crash but they can't remember it and wake up in hospital. And the other - even if it wasn't abuse , whatever happened , needs confronting as it has affected you badly. Have you spoken to a counsellor about it? (I know we have to be careful of what we post on here - graphic discriptions are a no no incase we cause upset to others - but if you want to talk more about it you can email me by clicking on the little envelope under my name).
Is there any chance your dad might talk to you about that time at the doctors? Or get hold of your medical records (I think there's a fee to pay if you wanna do this) to see if anything's been written down. Although I warn ya now sometimes they get it wrong - I remember once I was going through a particularly rough time and got taken to hospital , I was crying and doing the rocking on the bed , one of the nurses comforted me by cuddling me , then someone else handed me some diazapam tablets (I think) to calm me down which knocked me out so I had a good sleep. Well when I woke up I decided to look at the clip board at the end of my bed , they had written that they gave me the meds cos I " needed to be held down!!!" I don't know whether they HAD to write something like that down so as they could legally minister it or what , all I know is I was so stressed that I needed that sleep - but I certainly wasn't the mad axe murderer!
It's wonderful to hear you're feeling good today - it looks like you've been needing something like finding this forum for a long time.
I will be posting sporadically over the weekend - visualise a headless chicken trying to do ten impossible tasks at once
I take it you need some energy back in your system - I used to have caffinated coffee , now I drink decaf as I worked out that it plays h*ll with my anxiety and seriously gives me too much of a buzz when I'm on the mania part of my bipolar cycle. Although I have a caffinated once in a while and deal with the consequences cos it tastes so much better than decaf.
I can relate to what you say about phoning people , it's really hard finding things to say and you can't see the persons face so you can't tell what they're thinking. Could you tell him that you would prefer to write to him instead?
I really don't know what advise to give you about your parents - they really are stacking a whole load of things against you , maybe it's time you sat them down and told them how you feel , it could be they don't realise how much this is affecting you , if you can't talk to them directly maybe you could write them a letter too. If they don't take that seriously then I would suggest family counselling.
Take care , let me know how you get on.
hey there :)
hmm i think i might give that decafe a go, anything to calm my system, im on diazepam which does calm me down, though the doc said not to take to many because after awhile my system will get used to it and it will no longer be effected.. my brother has trouble sleeping too and when i went to pick him up he took some meds which he said helped him in the morning because he felt groggy, so i think i'll ask him what meds they where..
i dont like feeling groggy in the morning because it makes me grumpy! and prone to stressing out more easily..
have made myself a deal to try to listen to positive music for a week to see if that would change my mood for the better.. i have been watching some music upbeat vids, like Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles, Dido - Here With Me, alicia key - fallin.. they put in a good mood, i really like dido though, and liz in the tv series roswell :P
yesterday i kept myself busy by doing some video editing which i think im getting the hang of now.. i really would like to make dvds from peoples home videos (weddings etc..) i have to equipment (thanks to my mum :) now its just a matter of working and learning as i go :)
i know i should talk to my parents but i dont know how my mum will react i dont want her to think its her fault i dont want her to blame herself, she may get really upset.. i would feel guilty if she thinks its her fault.. this one will be really hard to do... think i'll put this one on hold..
next big issue is shopping tommorow, and im already stressing out about it, its going to be busy, and last week i was so stressed out & on edge i blew my mum up right in front of someone i know! good way to show your true colors :( i hate going to town i dont know what to say to people, going to the chemist and sitting and waiting for my med prescription to be organised, i have to tell myself to keep calm.... and i never look up at people because they think im a freak, serveral i said hi to one of the ladies that work there in the street because she was looking so down everytime i bumped into her i was only trying to cheer her up, so now i feel uncomfortable when i go to the chemist, and im sure i hear her calling me a creep once while i was waiting... so because of my own stupid mistake in trying to cheer someone up i feel really uncomfortable waiting in the chemist now..
thanks for listening...