not doing well

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greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 12/3/2006 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   
hey im new to this forum, im not doing to well I feel down in the dumps this morning, afaird of going to town tommorow, im worried that i'll dump into the girl I like, which I can never be with because of the way i am. I am unwell and I would hate to hurt her, so I get nervious and afriad to bumping into her.. im trying to protect her from me.. so im avoiding..
 
my life is spent mostly at home, can't step out of the door easily get nervious that the neighbour is watching, and that I may say or do something stupid (like I always do)...
 
fred.

x-Souxie-x
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 12/3/2006 2:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey
This must be real hard for you Fred, I feel like that a lot, I sometimes feel like people can read my mind and its so bloddy annoying!
Then my dad said that everybody has their own problems and that they don't have time to read a young kid's mind, I guess I agreed but I still feel like its some kind of conspiracy thing.

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 12/3/2006 5:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi greymouse & Souxie, welcome to HealingWell. It sounds like you suffer from anxiety and depression. Do you have a school counselor that you can talk to? Or a Youth group leader at a community church? You don't need your parents to help you. Their are people out there who CAN help. Please take a step and post back and let us know how you are doing. I don't know what you mean by "how I am" and "afraid that you will hurt her" but you have the rest of your life to live. You deserve to be loved. A counselor/therapist can help you develop ways to manage the fear and discomfort that you feel.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."


greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 12/3/2006 11:30 PM (GMT -7)   
i just can get myself to pull out of this rutt, just even writing this email i never know what to say its like i can't relax... if i come across blunt its not that i mean to be.. i just am hurt and i can't move on from that fact..

so please bear with me, to many people have shut me out, and I too have shut people out.. to protect them from me and to protect myself from what others say about me..

its just everytime i feel okay about myself i say or do something to upset others, and everytime a girl talks to me i think she likes me more then just friends which is also annoying because with that in my mind i act overly interested or earger, creepy as they call me..

i've got noone to talk too, does anyone understand? so I can understand why im like that...

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 12/4/2006 12:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Have you ever talked to a therapist about this? It's great that you are reaching out here and I do hope that others come along to post their similar experiences. I am not a therapist nor do I have a degree in psychology but I learned a lot about a personality disorder that is classified as "avoidant." Do you relate to most of what is said below:

A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

If so, you are definitely not alone and a therapist/counselor will know how to make life more comfortable for you. Their is HOPE so hang in there.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."


LondonGirl22
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1629
   Posted 12/4/2006 4:14 AM (GMT -7)   
I 'd like to welome you both to the forum.
 
Hopefulmigrainer has given you some excellent advice and I agree that therapy would be very beneficial to you.  Talk to your doctor about this and see if he/she can arrange something for you.
 
 
Post here anytime - we are always here to listen
Victoria
 
Co~Moderator: Depression Forum

Contact me at victoria@healingwell.net

Meds: Effexor (Venlafaxine) 225mg, Lorazepam 0.5mg, Prednisilone 5mg, lactulose 20ml, Mebeverine 30mg.


greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 12/4/2006 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you for your responces,

yes some of that rings true to me.. sometimes i get so afaird i tremble, mainly because of my own doing.. i feel okay and i do or say something, then i dont feel okay and i regret what i had said/done..

im already on medication & my doctor said theres nothing more they can do for me, i seem to be unwilling to change and i can only blame myself for having anyone to talk too.. doctors have tried to help me and it hasn't worked because i dont seem to be able even try what they suggest, the last advice was to seek a group of people online to talk too, with similar problems... I dont know what will happen to me, i think it could come down to that i hate myself & i dont deserve to get better... and when i feel good i dont like the person i am always doing or saying something which i regret to the point of self hatred, thus pulling myself down again..

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 12/4/2006 1:40 PM (GMT -7)   
greymouse, have you been to doctors or psychologists? A doctor cannot help you but I can't imagine a psychologist telling you that. Hang in there. We are here for you.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
 
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 12/4/2006 7:28 PM (GMT -7)   
i have been to a phyciatirst (sp?) hes the one that told me to find a chat group to try to find people to relate.. i dont know what im doing anymore.. im afaird that he will kick me off my sickness benefit because i seem to be igonering all the people who have tried to help me..

this is my fault though i need to get my act together, just when i step out of the door i become far less confident then when im in my room alone, afaird of going out doors, afaird of people, the neighbours, people in the street..

everyone who has tried to help me end up hating me because i dont do anything they tell me to do.. this is my fault im lazy and slack and too afaird to stand up for myself and say yes i matter too.. i push everyone away..

everytime i read something about self help i start thinking about things i am despreatly trying to forget, its some how linked in with me getting help and these negative hurtfull throughts thats why i dont do what they tell me, just hurts when i think of the things that have happened..

do you understand?

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 12/4/2006 7:55 PM (GMT -7)   
I understand the part about reading the self-help books and being reminded of the things that you have been trying to run away from. This is exactly why people don't go into therapy or quit therapy. If they only knew that the only way they can heal the pain is to feel the pain. Shopping, gambling, ****ography, drugs, bulimia, adrenaline, etc. is only going to numb the pain for so long. It sounds like you are an avoidant personality. Don't focus on being somebody that you are not but DO start taking steps to make your life manageable. It sounds like you have given up on yourself. You simply can't do that. You have to go on and since you have to go on you need to make the best out of this life. It sounds like you are sensitive and that is a great quality! Why are you sabotaging yourself? What is it going to take to start loving yourself? Ask yourself, if I had a 5 year old kid and he just couldn't seem to get his act together, would I beat up on him? would I give up on him? Probably NOT. The one thing I will tell you though is that you have to start doing some of the things that people are suggesting. They are right. You can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink. Why don't you take 1 drink of water? Forget the idea that you are so inferior, it's no use, yadayada. Take one drink - one step each day and at the end of the day tell yourself that you are proud of yourself for doing it. Go to your psychiatrist and ask him...What is the single most important thing that I could do today to help myself? and then go do it or try to do it.
Do you go to church? A lot of the larger community churches have "recovery groups." I am in one for depression/anxiety. We do not talk about religion there, we talk about recovery. Everyone is at a different stage. You don't have to share but you will learn from their experiences too. Can you look into that and of course keep sharing here too.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
 
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 12/5/2006 2:28 PM (GMT -7)   
i just dont know where to start, i can't cope during the day without atleast rocking ack & forth to keep me calm because i feel so strung up & stressed out most of the time (to the point of obession) , this helps, but it does tend to make my mind wander and that sometimes leads to negative thorughs.. how should i start on the path of getting better? when all i can do all day is rock to keep myself calm, cause when im not doing that i cant seem to coupe to well..

maybe i could try to read whilst doing it, but i need the stereo on in order to avoid being heard by my mum...

hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 12/5/2006 8:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi greymouse, tell me about your day today.  Did you ever "get started?" That's an accomplishment!
 
Tell me one thing that you today and wish you could have done differently and one thing that you think you did well today. 
 
The healing begins with YOU.  You are the only one who can decide that you want a better life.  I know that you do or you wouldn't be on here searching for answers.  You gotta take those baby steps.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
 
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


smiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 657
   Posted 12/6/2006 5:21 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey there grey mouse,

know what you mean about the neighbours - it used to be a constant fear of mine.

or anyone seeing me - always afraid they would come up to me and I would 4uck everything up.

yeah , the rocking used to help me - I just used to sit there and cry and hold my knees and go backwards and forwards for hours.

I used (and still do use) books as a coping mechanism - fiction (so they wouldn't remind me of my life) adventure books , I would "become" one of the peeps in the story and "escape" life any time it got too hard.

going out takes a lot of courage - it sounds like you are still managing to go outside sometimes , I would suggest you try and get out once a day even if it's only for one minute because once you stop doing something it's hard to start doing it again - I took hours and hours to get out of the house because I was so scared but I've worked on that and now I can be out the house in no time.

another thing is that this is an illness - you are NOT lazy or slack , and this is NOT your fault , and I know how hard it is to turn this illness around because I have been in your situation , and you DO deserve to get better.

have you talked to doc/phsyc and told them that your frame of mind won't allow you to do some of these things and won't allow you to get better - maybe they ought to research your situation more and find other ways they can help you.

I want you to know that you are NOT alone and you have made a great acheivement by posting on here , we are here for you so keep posting.

As I say your situation sounds very similar to how I was (and some things that I still am) so if you want to ask me any questions or just chat about anything please fire away.

take care , Smiler tongue


greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 12/6/2006 1:04 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you for your responces, im in that avoidance mood again this morning so if im blunt please for give me.. sometimes its just hard repsonding to people when all i want to do is hide, im secretive too i guess.. i only recently admited to my phyciatrist that i do the rocking, he said if it helps keep doing it..

its good to get things of my chest on here cause i dont feel confident talking to people offline about these issues, its good to get things off my chest and really talk openly and freely..

im so afraid that i will get judged and i live in a small town and i dont want any gossip going around about my problems.. and then hassled about them down the main street

yesterday i wished that i hadn't left positive feedback on an auction, where i now think i was greezing up to the person in my feedback, i got no responce this morning, so maybe she wont leave me feedback or she thinks im a greezy slimeball!

sometimes i think im a freak, i have gone a few days without doing any rocking but then i get restless and only feel better once im doing it again.. i get so stressed out sometimes the rocking can calm me down, but i can't live myself rocking forever, so i dont know if its going to be an easy habit to break.. i have memories of me as a child about it, I was in hospital with my family i remember dad asking the doctor, whilst i was being taken out of the room, about it.. dad said something about me rocking.. the doctor asked if i had been abused, he said no.. then i remember it was my birthday, i went into my room to be alone, feeling down, rocking, i remember mum coming in after a period of time and asked me if i was okay, i said yes, but i think i felt depressed..

like how do you explain the rocking to someone? you can't just say to people, oh i rock all day whilst listening to music, its not like they can join in lol

how did you break the cycle smiler? my days are up and down like a yoyo..

smiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 657
   Posted 12/7/2006 4:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Yeah I'm secretive too (don't have to be on here though as no-one knows us - that's why these boards are so helpful , also no-one on here is here to judge cos we're all going through the same things) I'm secretive because I don't want people to think I'm weak or be able to use information against me - I always feel inferior to others.

I know what you mean about ppl gossiping - they don't understand the illness so they make up for their lack of knowledge by inventing things instead.
I have only just recently found out that my depression (bipolar) is a physical illness caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain present from birth.
I think a lot more research needs to go into these diseases and that people need to be made aware of the facts , as another reason for gossip and bullying is that these ppl are scared of us cos they can't understand our illness.

One thing that stands out I notice (as with me) is that you seem to feel the need to apologise for things that you haven't done like you say "if im blunt please for give me" which you are not blunt , honestly. With the auction I think you are trying too hard to please , and worrying about things that probably haven't even crossed anyone elses mind "greezy slimeball" you are not giving yourself a chance , you are putting youself down before you've even got off the starting block. You need to be a bit kinder to yourself , be more optomistic rather than telling yourself "I can't do this" try saying "I might give that a go , I may not get there this time but the more I try the better I'll get at it " remember you don't need to be a personification of perfection , just take things slow , a little at a time - baby steps , and don't be hard on yourself if things go wrong - we are human. CBT (Cognative behavioural Therapy) could really help you - there are online ones so you don't have to speak to ppl - try googling moodgym (think it either .com or .co.uk can't remember which but if you don't find it post back and I'll look for it for you).

As you have a lot of worry you might find having a look on the Anxiety/Panic board on this forum (which I use a lot as I have anxiety and Panic attacks) to help you find ways to deal your agraphobia and anxiety towards uncomfortable situations , there are teqniques you can use to empower yourself and things you can do to relieve some of the anxiety you feel. They are a great bunch of ppl and have some good advice.

Can you remember anything about your birthday , do you know why you went to your room? Was the hospital appointment for you?

My rocking started when I was physically , sexually , and mentally abused by my alcoholic ex for seven years - it was the only thing I could do to comfort myself so I think you need to find out what started it off as you can't deal with something if you don't know what it is - you can't fix the machine if you don't know which part is broken , if you see what I mean.

What sort of music do you listen to? I listen to metal. Have you ever sat and listened to the lyrics of some bands - do you notice how sometimes we feel the same as the lyrics , like this ; "Are you locked up in a world , that's been planned out for you? Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?" This makes the listener feel like they have been put on this earth against there will , that they have no choice over what happens to them , it makes them feel worthless , useless. Whereas this ; "No more ,the small one , the weak one , the frightened one. Running from beatings , deflating. I'm becoming more than a man. More than you ever were. Driven and burning to rise beyond" makes the listener feel - hey yeah , I wasn't confident but I'm growing , rising above ppl that put them down - using the anger those ppl gave them and turned it around to use it for good , to use it to drive them forward - to give them power.
See what you can find in your music - listen to the stuff that empowers you , you could even use the rocking to enforce the fact that you are being empowered , move to the music and draw strength from it - ya know like tribal ppl have dances and movements for their rituals?
You could take some headphones with you when your out so you can listen to some positive lyrics , it might make it easier for you to go out , concentrate on the music rather than the people round you (your own little world - like my book world) it has the added advantage that not many ppl try to start a conversation with someone wearing headphones.

Breaking the cycle - I don't claim to have but the things above help me. Crushing the negative thought can be hard - you have to replace them with positive thoughts , and keep doing it.....you have to believe the positive ones though , so it's no good trying to make yourself think "I am the most wonderful person in the world" otherwise your negative side is just going to come back and scoff at you and say - yeah right , and I'm a monkeys uncle. What you need are thoughts like "I think I might be able to acheive a little something today , maybe I'll try walking to the end of the road and back". As I say baby steps - don't throw yourself in at the deep end and try to acheive perfection otherwise you are gonna take too much on , get overwhelmed and give up - build your confidence brick by brick.

I hope my ramblings make sense - take care

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/7/2006 6:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Fred I can relate to alot of what you are saying and what Smiler has to say as well
I lose self in books too
I live in a small town where everyone thinks they know all your business and gossip is abundant
I have hid out for periods off time over the gossip but I dont anymore
I will walk down the street and just think to self that these ppl have nothing better than to talk about me
HOW pitiful is that ....I feel sorry for them .........

As for music that is also another retreat but lol mine is oldies I am a able to relate to them as Smiler does to her music
Smiler has really great input and I feel the connection between you's and I think it is great to have
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this and we are here for you
Take care and be well
Lyn
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 One thing I know for sure is we have each other and in times of need no one could be better off IMO
 
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        Lyn
 


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 12/7/2006 11:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Fred, just wanted to say "hi."  Hey, look, you took your therapists advice and found an online forum.  I think you are doing great - taking baby steps.  Glad you are here reaching out.  Take care.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
 
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


smiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 657
   Posted 12/7/2006 12:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey there Fred - hope you're holding out ok.

Take care -and know that we're here for you.

I will be back posting againg tomorrow.

greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 12/7/2006 3:38 PM (GMT -7)   
hi thank you all for your kind and supportive messages.. im feeling good today :) im glad i came here :), its good just to be able to speak whats on my mind most of which i keep inside..

i understand about the positive thinking, changing the negative throughs to positive.. reassuring myself im okay and that i deserve to be here, and that the more i do it the better i will feel.. and start to believe it..

hmm the main kind of music that attracts me is angst, like avril lavine or kelly clarkson "because of you" really drives me down.., i know which ones in perticualar effect me, and its those I play when i am down.. have even worn the black eyeliner now and then just like avril and clarkson, though people gossip about that in town.. not really understanding why i wear it sometimes.. thats the ticket instint it? people assume things without actual understanding of why i wear black eyeliner sometimes..

songs rule my life, what i can't express i used music to express myself.. my family aren't emotional speakers, they dont say anything about feelings, though I feel alot of emotions that I can't express to anyone in my family because its weak to have emotions.. so I use songs to express feelings i have, my emotions are on my sleeve right at the front so it hurts me to the core when people say nasty things about me.. and postive love songs i do like, espcially dig chicks who play the panio whilst singing ;)

I even love the lotr movies, was watching the dvds regarly then my family members started hassling me about it so i hardly watch it now.. my family has a tendency of pulling things I like down, which hurts & it makes me not share anything with them because i can't handle the criterisim.. I love lotr partly because I like dungeons & dragons and rpg games alot.. but nobody thinks about that I even have rule books on my bookshelf! and people still haven't linked two and two.. they just think im weird lol

I will look at the other boards thankyou :)

i understand i only have two specific instances that come to mind in relation to abuse, one I cannot say for sure if it did happen, and the other which i know happened but i dont know if you could call it abuse because it wasn't deliberate but does (effect me, badly) feel like abuse..so i dont know if it can be classed as abuse..

yes the appointment was for me, i believe it was related to a foot problem i had my feet were not straight and i needed an operation to get them sorted, but i was being lead out of the room, in which my dad was talking to a group of doctors, and that was the last thing i remember looking back hearing dad and the doctors before my mum turned my head and to the waiting room..

i think i wanted to be left alone on my birthday, im not sure why but i remember i did feel sad though.. i also remember fighting over a birthday gift my brother was trying to say it was his and mum said no that it was mine.. (maybe related?) not sure what order things happened on that day.. but i definitly felt depressed..

thats my throughs for today.. baby steps... :)

smiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 657
   Posted Yesterday 3:44 AM (GMT -7)   

LOTR!! yeah yeah yeah

Can you tell I like it too? I started reading the book(s) when I was about 14/15 years old - I read them so much they fell apart , I bought another set which I am trying to be more careful with eyes I also have The Hobbit (which is how Bilbo Baggins found the ring in the first place) , The Silmarillion (which relates to events far earlier than LOTR) , Unfinished Tales , and Tolkien The Illustrated Encyclopedia.

I have LOTR on video , nicked off the TV , will eventually get it on DVD box set. One thing I will say - if you've only seen the movie you gotta read the book as there are soooooooo many things they couldn't fit in (we would have been crossing our legs for a lot longer than hours if they had!). So maybe a trip to the library is in order.

I have a couple of other books in the same vein ; Dragonlance Chronicles which include Dragons of Autumn Twilight , Dragons of Winter Night , and Dragons of Spring Dawning. Dragonlance Legends which include , Time of the Twins , War of the Twins , and Test of the Twins. I have yet to get Dragonlance Tales. These books are by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman (erm.... these are falling apart too eyes ). I also like The Way of Wyrd by Brian Bates which is about a sorcerer , magical lore of plants , runes , journeys to the spirit world - it's only a short book but very moving and uplifting. there is a whole album of music that a band did as they liked the book so much so that they told the story in songs , the band is called Sabbat , the albums name is Dreamweaver. I'm not claiming you'll like the music though - as I say I'm a metal chick (going right across most genres with a few twists thrown in for good measure). Oh and I have most of Terry Pratchetts books aswell - that was all I read when my mum died , somehow it helped me through (dya know I never even got offered counselling - pretty lame eh?).

Green Day do the eyliner thing (I've got the black nail vanish thing going at the moment) - I can't stop playing Dookie and American Idiot. Dunno if the neigbours appreciate my tone deaf accompaniment but hey , they haven't complained yet  tongue  I know what ya mean about the gossip cos I used to dress gothic "back then" when it wasn't trendy , basically I got so much stick for it I reverted back to "normal" clothes - but if you look at ppl today , it's the "in" thing.

Hmmmm......... so ppl think you're weird huh? What the heck will they think I am then?? They had better start inventing some new words then hadn't they cos I'd like someone to discribe me LOL tongue

It is NOT weak to show your emotions , I think it's very brave to open up to people , to give them something of yourself . Have you tried writing your own songs/poetry - I bet you'd be good at it. Another way I used to express myself was through drawing.

"i understand i only have two specific instances that come to mind in relation to abuse, one I cannot say for sure if it did happen" I know that sometimes when a person has had something bad happen sometimes they can't cope and your mind can have a shut down mechanism where it tries to make you forget - a bit like when someone has a car crash but they can't remember it and wake up in hospital. And the other - even if it wasn't abuse , whatever happened , needs confronting as it has affected you badly. Have you spoken to a counsellor about it? (I know we have to be careful of what we post on here - graphic discriptions are a no no incase we cause upset to others - but if you want to talk more about it you can email me by clicking on the little envelope under my name).

Is there any chance your dad might talk to you about that time at the doctors? Or get hold of your medical records (I think there's a fee to pay if you wanna do this) to see if anything's been written down. Although I warn ya now sometimes they get it wrong - I remember once I was going through a particularly rough time and got taken to hospital , I was crying and doing the rocking on the bed , one of the nurses comforted me by cuddling me , then someone else handed me some diazapam tablets (I think) to calm me down which knocked me out so I had a good sleep. Well when I woke up I decided to look at the clip board at the end of my bed , they had written that they gave me the meds cos I " needed to be held down!!!" I don't know whether they HAD to write something like that down so as they could legally minister it or what , all I know is I was so stressed that I needed that sleep - but I certainly wasn't the mad axe murderer!

It's wonderful to hear you're feeling good today - it looks like you've been needing something like finding this forum for a long time.

I will be posting sporadically over the weekend - visualise a headless chicken trying to do ten impossible tasks at once eyes

Take care

Smiler tongue


greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted Yesterday 1:21 PM (GMT -7)   
i can't lie to you, not doing so good this morning i feel like s**t i feel like a wreck thats about to crash.. hopefully some coffie will make me feel less groggy..

im feeling in an avoidant mood not really wanting to talk to anyone.. :(
this mood that i wake up too is the one that keeps me at home, im tired and feel groggy and not in a good shape.. im scared of going out of the door.. i wouldn't be able to handle being hassled right now.. i feel weepy already..

im feeling in an avoidant mood not really wanting to talk to anyone.. :( today and i've got to pick up my brother around 1:00pm, but as always im not sure what i want to do with him today, he's useally not that interested in what i do cause im kinda boring like so he rather do what he wants.. i do like my brother but he forces me to be social when he calls but im always in a hurry toget rid of him on the phone because I dont know what to say to him, and because my mind is filled with doubts and inscerities, the silent parts are the hardest because im holding back emotions and start feeling uncomfortable during the silent parts.. so i hand the phone off to mum as quickly as i can..

i did buy a couple of cds from him, thinking about it now i feel abit better knowing that i will have them when i go pick him up.. I just wish my family where more interested in what I was doing, nobody in my family are ever interested in me and what i have been up too.. my dad gets annoyed when i talk to him about computers, its like hes jealous & he doesn't trust me with any of his equipment.. and my brother doesn't trust me with his equipment, and my mum doesn't trust me full stop.. yesterday i was going through a stack of brouchers checking the expriery date and heaped them on the floor & every broucher mum double checked the date to see if it was junk! and that hurt i said to her you dont have to double check them they are junk, she said well you threw away one which was still valid, i said yeah only one out of the whole lot, 1 mistake and she double checks every broucher... I wwas deeply hurt to think after all this time she still doesn't trust me..

i like d&d and rpg games very much i love the characters and the adventures you go on very much, its a good escape.. i also like playing adventure games on my computer at the moment im playing broekn sword 4 the angel of death.. its got great humor and i think nico (one of the heroes friends) is hot! ahhh.. i need to get out more:P

my favorite artist / songs at the moment are (on my mp3 player); green day Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams & Wake me up when september ends, the music video for Wake me up when september end is sad and shocking but so true.. I also listen to at the moment Pink Floyd - One of These Days from the pulse dvd, and Kelly Clarkson - Since U Been Gone.. puddle of mud - blurry, i watch music videos for some of them..

i have written poems before, but im different in real life because i feel the things i write but cannot express it out loud, like alot of my emotions i dont know to say the things i write because my family doesn't communicate emotions i dont know how too... thus people dont understand me.. i get afaird of expressing any kind of emotion except negative, because it seems my family feeds of the negative emotions, nothing much positive is being said in this house hold..

can't write anymore today...

smiler
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 657
   Posted Today 12:50 PM (GMT -7)   

I take it you need some energy back in your system - I used to have caffinated coffee , now I drink decaf as I worked out that it plays h*ll with my anxiety and seriously gives me too much of a buzz when I'm on the mania part of my bipolar cycle. Although I have a caffinated once in a while and deal with the consequences cos it tastes so much better than decaf.

I can relate to what you say about phoning people , it's really hard finding things to say and you can't see the persons face so you can't tell what they're thinking. Could you tell him that you would prefer to write to him instead?

I really don't know what advise to give you about your parents - they really are stacking a whole load of things against you , maybe it's time you sat them down and told them how you feel , it could be they don't realise how much this is affecting you , if you can't talk to them directly maybe you could write them a letter too. If they don't take that seriously then I would suggest family counselling.

Take care , let me know how you get on.

Smiler tongue


greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 12/10/2006 12:51 PM (GMT -7)   

hey there :)

hmm i think i might give that decafe a go, anything to calm my system, im on diazepam which does calm me down, though the doc said not to take to many because after awhile my system will get used to it and it will no longer be effected.. my brother has trouble sleeping too and when i went to pick him up he took some meds which he said helped him in the morning because he felt groggy, so i think i'll ask him what meds they where..

i dont like feeling groggy in the morning because it makes me grumpy! and prone to stressing out more easily..

have made myself a deal to try to listen to positive music for a week to see if that would change my mood for the better.. i have been watching some music upbeat vids, like Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles, Dido - Here With Me, alicia key - fallin.. they put in a good mood, i really like dido though, and liz in the tv series roswell :P

yesterday i kept myself busy by doing some video editing which i think im getting the hang of now.. i really would like to make dvds from peoples home videos (weddings etc..) i have to equipment (thanks to my mum :) now its just a matter of working and learning as i go :)

i know i should talk to my parents but i dont know how my mum will react i dont want her to think its her fault i dont want her to blame herself, she may get really upset.. i would feel guilty if she thinks its her fault.. this one will be really hard to do... think i'll put this one on hold..

next big issue is shopping tommorow, and im already stressing out about it, its going to be busy, and last week i was so stressed out & on edge i blew my mum up right in front of someone i know! good way to show your true colors :( i hate going to town i dont know what to say to people, going to the chemist and sitting and waiting for my med prescription to be organised, i have to tell myself to keep calm.... and i never look up at people because they think im a freak, serveral i said hi to one of the ladies that work there in the street because she was looking so down everytime i bumped into her i was only trying to cheer her up, so now i feel uncomfortable when i go to the chemist, and im sure i hear her calling me a creep once while i was waiting... so because of my own stupid mistake in trying to cheer someone up i feel really uncomfortable waiting in the chemist now..

thanks for listening...

greymouse


hopefulmigrainer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 12/10/2006 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Greymouse, I'm really proud of you for taking those baby steps.  Listening to some upbeat music is a step in the right direction.  I like Dido too.  Our brains are very sophisticated but they really don't know when we "fake it til we make it" so do that this week and see if you feel better.
Also, I want to urge you to find a new therapist.  A therapist who tells you that they won't see you anymore b/c you won't take advice is a DUD.  You need to find a therapist with whom you can tell them how you felt at the chemistry place and how you felt that when you said "hi" the lady looked at you like a creep.  You don't need "advice" to go out and do something about that, you need the therapist to tell you (over and over again if necessary) that their is a different way to "perceive" that and different ways to "talk to yourself" after such an event.  Will you make it a priority to find a new therapist? 
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
 
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greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 12/11/2006 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
hey there :)
 
good morning, i found out yesterday i have an appointment with my psychiatrist today so my mind is full of clutter, worries about making it on time how things will go in town today and what i have to do in town today.. i really hope things will go smoothly today, so im abit distracted this morning.. everything needs to be done on time or else i fall to bits and get grumpy and highly stressed out.. im a control freak at heart i guess... if something turns to custered i freak and get all emotional & highly stressed out because i wasn't prepared for what ever it was that happened..
 
anyway i undertsand what you are saying hopefulmigrainer :) not to sure what i can do about finding a new therapist, i've been through 2 different ones and since i live in a small town there isn't too much choice.. but its not there fault though that i've gone through two, i just came in every week and not taking there advice to heart, so they felt that they where getting nowhere with me, and they got frustrated so then that was the end of that..
 
it did help me though just to talk, get these throughs out of my head, i was about to admit to the rocking but i got afaird because of the gossiping i had witnessed when i was volunteer at the local animal shelter, it was relentless talking about different people and what the latest gossip "news" was.. i was so afaird that my secret rocking would be gossiped about around town i shut my therapist out for one week, then i got a message from her asking if it was okay to close my file, thats when i knew she was fed up with me..
 
i can't deal with that right now, got too many things on my mind about today and thrusday... maybe this avoidant behaviour.. i also need to get back to the animal shelter to elimiate the fear of going to town and people seeing me and hassling me down the main street urghh.. people always make fun of me because they know im weak and that they need a boost for themselves so when they whisper or say something outloud and it always ends with a laugh whilst looking at me..
 
anyway enough for today..
 
and yes i did amit to the rocking in the end to my psychiatrist.. which made me a connection with him.. which is good :) i dont feel so alone no more.. and he could understand that i cannot be "normal" until i get some control over it, but right now its the only defence i have against highlevels of stress and i get restless if i dont do it for a period of time..
 

 
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