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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 12/18/2006 8:54 AM (GMT -6)   
My life started out as being a normal happy girl with both my parents around.
At the age of 9 my life took a drastic turing, the happyness and security I once felt at home would be gone and my life would never be the same again.
I was sent to my room by my mum, a cupple of hours later my parents called my downstairs, my mum asked me who do u want to live with, I thought are u nuts I'm living with u. Then they told me they where getting divorced .... the next day my mum went away not knowing if she would come back I was left behind with my dad, 2 weeks later my mum came back and my dad had to move out and I only got to see him once every 2 weeks, being daddys little girl this killed me.
At school they all found out that my parents where divorced and starting teasing me, which made life harder. To cope with it all i started eating more I ened up weighing 90kg as a 12 year old.
At the age of 12 my mum met her current boyfriend, the moment I saw him I knew he wasn't good. He moved in with us after only 2 weeks. He talked bad about my dad all the time. At 13 I tried to kill myself by jumping, my mum caught me just in time though ....
By the time I was 13 I was moved to a diffrent school where I made lots of friends and I was happy there, we moved to a new house which was hard for me as I was leaving the house I once called home. Once we moved into the house it all got worse, my mums boyfriend started drinking more. When I was 15 I came back from a sleep over at a friends house only to find the front door totally smashed, I went inside and asked my mum what happend she said her boyfriend had beaten her up. I totally ignored him for the comming days as I was scared of him, one day it was raining and my bike was outside he told me to put it in the shed, I couldn't find my keys and tried to push past him when he then punshed me in t he face. I then moved to my dads he had just come out of a long relationship and was dipressed himself, I took care of him, did the washing, the cooking and went to school.
A few weeks before my 17th birthday I met my boyfriend it was one of the happiest times I have had in my life. Around that time my dad met his current wife through internet and he bought her over from the Ukraine. We lived all together in my dad's house, although she never did my washing or cooked for me she only did that for her son and my dad. One day my dad had gone out and she came to my room and told me it was time I moved in with my boyfriend I couldn't belive it. I rang my mum and she came to get me.
I lived for another year with my mum and her boyfriend, I was slowly dieing from inside, it was killing me I was scared of her boyfriend and everyday there would be a feight of some kind. at 18 I moved in with my boyfriend and his dad, his parents had just got divorced and since I was doing real bad they took me in.
I celebrated my 19th birthday there even my grandma from germany came as a suprise, I was really happy that day, until my mums boyfriend showed up already drunk, he was starting to irritate my guests. I had enough of it and walked to the hall he followed me and I tried to escape from him when he then tried to strangle me, my boyfriend and my dad then threw him out. My mum left him for some time she told me she had met someone else which I then found out was a lie. I confronted her with it and tod her I would not be there for her this time I didn't hear from her for 3 months. By this time me and my boyfriend had bought an appartment and where living together, thats when the depression started only I didn't know it was depression :(
Things went bad for me at work and over the next 3 years it all got worse. I am now 23 and the last few months have been a living hell for me, my depression has gotten worse, I know am waiting for treatment and taking anti-depressives. I have locked myself in from the outside world, have no friends left anymore. I now feel the need for friends but I have none left, and I dont have the spirit or strength to go outside and meet new ppl. I still sometimes have thoughts about taking my life, but when it comes to it I know I won't do it. I feel so lonely although i have lots of ppl around me that care I feel all alone, there are days that I am fine but days where I can't stop crying, I can go from happy to sad in under a minuut and the smallest thing can triger it. There are days when I dont even want to come out of my bed. I feel like I have lost everything and feel alone ..... sad   I have even started to hear and see things, dont know if they are real though.
I'm glad to have my boyfriend he is always there for me, without him I don't think I would be around anymore ...

Post Edited (FairLady) : 12/18/2006 7:13:52 AM (GMT-7)

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 12/18/2006 10:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Natalie,
You have certainly been through it haven't you? I am glad that you found the forum, the people here are so supportive, having people who understand what we are all going though is a real comfort.
Your life has growing up has many similarities to mine, I was pushed from pillar to post between my mom and them my dad, until eventually at 13 I was on the streets on my own. I became an alcoholic, a soft drug user and was raped by three men for three days over Christmas when I was 18. My life was pure hell.

However, know that if you want it, life can be better. You need to perhaps see someone for your depression, mabye get some meds or at least a professional to talk things though with. Take each day at a time, and as many people here say - take it an hour or a minute at a time - baby steps.

The first thing you have to do is commit yourself to healing yourself. If you can't do that you will never get better, and life can be sooo good it you let it.
Do not dwell on your past, fine, you have had a crappy upbringing, parents too busy with themselves to bother about you etc. The harsh reality is that they are responsible for your past - you are responsible for your future. That is what got me motivated to deal with my issues - one at a time.

Sure I still have bad days and bad weeks, but i know I also have some great up's too. I now take AD's and I will live with that. I am not saying it is easy, far from it. But I have learned the hard way, that I only have one life, and I am determined to look back one day and say I lived it.
It took me a few years to comit to healing, but when i did I started with a list of all the things I struggle with - big and trivial - they all went on the list, and I have over the years ticked them off one by one (and added a whole lot more!).
You have taken a good step forward by posting here and sharing - it is good for the soul to do this so rant and share as much as you like.
Being lonley is hard, That's one I have never got off the list. I live in a foreign country away from any friends etc, but I now have a wonderful husband to share things with. I struggle to let anyone in and feel that if they are talking to me - it is usually because they want something. I am not sure when I will get over that one.

Please don't spend any more time thinking of taking your life. There is no going back from it and it WILL be such a waste, out there, there are people to love you and people that will one day need your help too. There are people that you will cross paths with and you will make their day worth having, the same way that they will do that for you. Talk to a therapist or at least post here - there are so many wonderful and supportive people here to offer guidance and to just 'listen'. I was at my wits end when I found this site, and it is the best thing that has happened to me this year.

Life is tough, and life can seem mean, but it is also beautiful and full of wonder. Choose to be a part of it, please. See a doc and take that first step.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 657
   Posted 12/18/2006 10:59 AM (GMT -6)   

Hello Natalie,

First of all let me welcome you to Healing Well - you will find great people with loads of helpful advice here.

I'm sorry you've had to go through such hard things in your life , and I'm glad that you are going to get treatment.

How long have you been on anti-depressants , and which ones are they. If you have been taking them for a while then you need to go back and talk with the person who gave you them and tell them that these aren't working for you. They will be able to give you something different as there are many different types. Unfortunately it's trial and error as something that works for one person might not for another.

When you say you hear things , is it voices telling you to do things or is it noises.

I hear snatches of voice and noise that sound real to me , they do not tell me to do things , they make me jump sometimes - these are the ones I assosiate with my Anxiety Disorder when I am under extreme stress , I have been reassured by a professional that it is normal. If on the other hand they are telling you what to do this is associated with schizophrenia.

What treatment will you be getting?

I'm sure other people will post with advice too.

I wish you well , take care ,

Smiler tongue

Bipolar Moderator
DX : Bipolar , Panic Disorder , GAD , OCD.
If has helped you in some small or big way, please donate and enable us to continue helping others find their way to "healing well" at
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