is there a way for them to understand?

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/22/2006 12:17 PM (GMT -6)   
where do i begin? i don't understand it completely myself. sometimes it just feels better when he holds me. i tell him that. but when i need it the most, he feels more distant. we're supposed to get married at some point, but how can i get into a commitment like that not knowing if he'll be there for me. if he'll understand? i don't want to cause him any more pain. he's already got a sister going through something worse than mine. even though i've tried to help him through his sister's pain, he doesn't seem to relate with my pain.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 6056
   Posted 12/22/2006 1:45 PM (GMT -6)   

He may never fully understand and sometimes he may not be there when you need him. He may be off working or fishing or drinking or at church or at his moms. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you for who you are right now. Depression is part of what makes you YOU so if he loves you he accepts that, too.

Sometimes we have to turn to others for support because our mate's can't be the all purpose helper we wish they could be. If you can find support here then maybe that will be enough. Hang in there, girlfriend. Better days are coming... I have to believe that or I'd just go bonkers! Take care.
~ Jeannie

"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within."

- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 902
   Posted 12/22/2006 3:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi happy, welcome to HealingWell. I go to a support group at my church for anxiety/depression. A lot of the larger community churches will have this. I suggest some kind of group because they will understand what you are going through and be happy to see you and want to encourage you. It helps to get your needs met by many different people. A mate that has not experienced depression cannot truly understand. Have you talked to him about what depression is like for you? The doctor might have some easy to read pamphlets that you could show him. I'm sorry for your pain. I am there with you and I live alone and my life is upside down. Hang in there.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
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Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 12/30/2006 8:42 PM (GMT -6)   
wow, i am in the exact same situation! YOU are who i want to talk to. are you ever in the chat room? let me know if and when we can talk.

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 12/31/2006 1:51 PM (GMT -6)   
are there certain times of the day when you log on? i sure would like to talk to you. for me, it's when ever i get a chance. my fiance gets mad at me when i'm depressed. he says he chooses to be happy as if i choose not to be. he doesn't understand the first thing about depression and doesn't even try. he's not capable because he is emotionally unavailable. right now i need to put on a fake smile and join the family in a board game. otherwise, i'm just the miserable girl in the house that noone wants to talk to. i'll be back to look for you when i can.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 12/31/2006 3:12 PM (GMT -6)   
is this the way you want to life the rest of your life? i hope not. three things and three things only are the hard rock upon which to build a lasting relationship: HONESTY, HONESTY, and HONESTY!

if your significant other is emotionally unavailable to you before you get married, what miracle do you ex[pect to all of a sudden make him/her emotionally available once some words are said and rings exchanged? get real!!!!!!

if your other believes that you can just "snap out of it" they are sicker than you. i don't need that kind of illness in my life. why do you?

a fake smile? a fake orgasm? a fake marriage? fake children? a real divorce?

sorry to be so frank. i'm trying to give you an alternative way of looking at your circumstances. this doesn't mean that what i have written is gospel. it's not. it's just another take on youor reality.

i wish you the best.

That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
Some day you'll learn that a good bm is better than sex.

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 12/31/2006 6:07 PM (GMT -6)   
warren, normally, i would agree with you but i am divorced with a child and then i was in an abusive relationship (with another child). my fiance is the only "father" my youngest child has ever known and will ever know. it is for the sake of my children that i need to stick this relationship out. in the mean time, i need someone to talk to which is what brought me to this forum.

Only want what is best....
New Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 1/2/2007 9:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Being a person that does not suffer from depression but in a relationship that does, maybe the person does not always know when you need affection to feel better (no matter how many times you say it). Human contact is a wonderful thing but it cannot be handed out like pamphlets. Maybe something has come up in his life that has concerned him that he needs an out too.

I know when my partner seems to be hurting, I want to reach out to him and hold him to try and ease his pain, but then he pushes me away. Then when it tears my heart out that he is doing this, I just take a step back and observe as I know and hope that it will pass, which it usually does, sometimes I just have to do things on my own until he snaps out of it and sometimes and not often, what he is dealing with can be difficult to sit through, or if I have an issue that I need to deal with, I take some space too!

Everyone has or needs an out, it does not mean that they are not there for you or do not care for you. As long as you are safe and not been treated badly always, does not mean that he is not there for you!

Not sure if this helps, but I do hope it sheds some light! I myself am learning and will not give up on him!

Wishing you the best!

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 1/2/2007 11:49 AM (GMT -6)   
thanks for you post. he is so emtionally unavailable, that i rarely find an opportunity to comfort him. when i do get that chance, he doesn't allow it. he does not talk on a deep level and he is not affectionate, so he can't understand how someone else could have these needs. when he wants me to back off, i do, because i want to respect him. when i do, we end up not talking, like we're are roomates that live seperate lives. then when he wants to have a very superficial and very short chat with me, i used to do it in hopes that it will lead to something real. now, i'm exhausted of it and tired of being phony. whether i speak up or not, he just walks away to avoid the situation. now i am always avoided. i can't leave him because my kids have enough problems.
is it possble for me to learn to be emotionally unattached as well in order to concentrate on other areas of my life like ME? my kids?

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 119
   Posted 1/2/2007 11:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Happy=(

I have had two failed marriages under my belt. I knew in my heart that is was not right both times. I ignored these deep feelings both times. I thought that that if I loved these people enough that everything would be ok. The truth I learned is that you can never change anyone and that trying to be everything for everybody destoyed me. All the time I was running from myself. I am trying my best to stop running and accept me for me. Does this make sense?

My thoughts and prayers are with you.


God, Please Grant Me,

The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things that I can,

and The Wisdom to know the difference……….Just for Today


Major Depression, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, ADHD, Binge Eating Disorder, PTSD, Degenerative Disc Disease (post Fusion),  Osteoarthritis, Fibromyalgia,  Restless Leg Syndrome, Maigraine Syndrome, Interstitial Cystitis, IBS, GERD


Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 1/2/2007 2:37 PM (GMT -6)   
assuming you were replying to my post, yes, you made complete sense. i don't have the issue of trying to be someone i'm not. with me, what you see is what you get. my fiance and his family are the exact opposite. i am trying to be more like them without losing who i am. i just can't figure out how to do that.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 1/2/2007 6:58 PM (GMT -6)   
1dayatatime said... I knew in my heart that is was not right both times. I ignored these deep feelings both times. I thought that that if I loved these people enough that everything would be ok. The truth I learned is that you can never change anyone and that trying to be everything for everybody destoyed me. All the time I was running from myself. I am trying my best to stop running and accept me for me. Does this make sense?
Levonne, I have been divorced for almost 3 years (this May).  I perfectly understand what you posted here.  The thing I find so sad out of my 5 yr marriage and 12 yr overall relationship is that somewhere along that way I lost myself.  I also allowed myself to be treated badly by him.  It took everything I had in me to leave but I did it and I know I wont be treated like that again.
Holly, I wonder if your fiance was raised with minimal affection?  Do you notice a pattern of behavior between him and his parents and the way he interacts with you?  If this is something that is ingrained since birth for him or is a sense of how he was raised then it is going to be very difficult for him to change this behavior.  If he even recognizes that he wants or needs too.  As for you, it seems that you have a strong sense of who you are and what you want in life.  But do be aware that putting on those "fake smiles" do become harder over time.
However, I am the last one to be giving love advice since I have failed in this area terribly.... eyes

Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 550
   Posted 1/2/2007 7:49 PM (GMT -6)   
 I just know there is no way to ever be sure.I thought I knew,but I did'nt...I wish all the best for you...And I definately understand the fake smile,but its hard...My first marriage I should have known was'nt right.But this marriage of 15 years to a wonderful man,yet hes leaving and everything I thought my life was,just is'nt.He just does'nt feel the same anymore...But I keep reading these posts and listening and it really has helped to know someone is here...I hope it helps you and it all works out...

Take care everyone...I care

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 1/3/2007 12:36 PM (GMT -6)   
els, yes he is very much like his family and i come from a different world. i know i can't change him. that was never my intention. the first couple of years together, he was a much different person. but in the past year i have found out that he was being who he thought i wanted in order to win me over. now that he's got me and has established a relationship with my youngest son, i am now seeing his true colors. since people can't change other people, can i change myself? although i think he and is family are dysfunctional in their own way, i don't think it's them. i know the basics so well that i should be a psychologist. it's daily living with people that i don't know how to put in to practice. it's got to be me because i am the one always in a negative relationship. so if i'm the one that needs to change in order to get along with the rest of the world, how do i actually do that? i know i need to not rely on others for comfort or happiness. i know i need to learn to not analyze everthing. (don't get me wrong, i love to laugh.) there's a lot i know but that doesn't mean i can figure out the fine details of living it.
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